Thoughts On Turning 32

 So another year has come and gone. I would say it's been a decent one - it's been a few months since my last blog which I actually have come to realize it's generally a good thing as it means I've been busy living life instead of being in my own head too much. In fact, the treadmill of life seems to be progressing steadily forward, it feels as if the metaphor of "blinking once and then realizing I'm old" is much closer to reality than I initially imagined.

But enough ramblings, time to give a snapshot of my current situation in life. Nothing much has changed in the way of not really caring about birthdays - I didn't even tell S (girl I'm dating) and didn't do anything special with friends either. I had a video call with my family which was nice and some close friends (K, J and A) did wish me happy birthday but, overall, it was pretty low-key.

The hopeful news is that I applied for a $1m grant from ?? with C.  I've also felt more aware lately on just how valuable my friendship with C is - he's like one of the first friends I've had who really pushes me in an intellectual curious way while also being a cool person. Case in point, he's down to apply for grants or discuss scientific ideas without any friction or weird transactional type of vibes. We've known each other for a long time now, but I guess applying for this grant together made me appreciate just how rare this type of friendship is. Not to mention his baby (F) is super cute and I enjoy spending time with her - when I was at their house a few weeks ago talking to V's grandparents about their upbringing in China and the U.S. it really did feel like I was among family.

I hope I do get the grant though, as I told S, I feel like just admitting it to myself might already jinx things somehow. I know that's obviously just superstition but it's probably a defense mechanism as well - trying not to be too hopeful so that I can mitigate disappointment when it inevitably comes. But there's not much I can do for now, just wait to see how things turn out. Even if don't get this grant though, I think eventually I need to brave enough to strike out and do research on my own. I'm entering my mid 30's and time really is catching up to me - there's no constellation prize for living a "safe" life so why not try something new if I'm fortunate enough to have the means to do so? I know I've repeated this point so many times in previous blog posts but I'll repeat it again because it's critical to me - I genuinely believe I need to pursue some creative endeavor to feel satisfied in life. 

On a more practical note, I interviewed at C and got an offer there. It's probably one of the best places I've interviewed at in a while - they have a really cool and impressive team. While I wasn't that keen on the product, I felt a sense of excitement and energy when I was there that just isn't present in my current job. I am seriously considering joining them this summer and have decided to basically stop all other interviews in the meantime - I think this is as close as I can get to joining a startup I'm really interested in (besides just doing my own thing).

On that note, I've also made a pact with myself to, at the very least, quit my current job at the end of this year. I might only have 1-2 years left in CA and I want to at least spend the last year being more creative and pursuing ideas on my own. So I'm putting it in writing to (hopefully) hold myself accountable.

Other than that, things are roughly the same, but it's in a good way. I haven't seen S in a few weeks though it was fun when I met up with her again. I'm not sure if we have a long term future together but I think there is potential which is also a rare thing for me to even admit. I'm pretty happy with life now but I do get the sense that once again I'm "stuck" in this kind of "local maximum" - just hanging out with the same friends, doing the same things (playing smash, badminton, going to the gym, playing cuphead with A/J/K...) and working in the same job. It's taken me a while to fall back into a routine after COVID but I think I've finally settled into a good one. Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel restless/guilty again and the weight of not pursuing more "creative" hobbies is certainly weighing on the back of my mind. I have bouts of inspiration where I work on my writing (HS story etc) and think about other ideas but still feel like my current routine is too busy to really execute on it.

I guess that's all for now. The one constant is that my sleep schedule still sucks though, going to bed at 3am - 4am every night and consistently sleeping 5-6 hours can't be great for my health in the future. Hopefully writing it down here can guilt me into getting more consistent rest.

Thoughts on Stoner by John Williams

 In his forty-third year William Stoner learned what others, much younger, had learned before him: that the person one loves at first is not the person one loves at last, and that love is not an end but a process through which one person attempts to know another.

     So, I haven't been reading much lately, but I did get around to reading Stoner by John Williams over the 2023 holiday break, at the suggestion of JL. I think it had a profound impact on me and made me reflect a lot on my own life - it honestly felt unlike any other novel I had previously read.

    I read some commentary on the book after, critics have referred to it as the "best book you've never read". It does obviously fall into the bucket of being a "classic" but, for some reason, it doesn't seem to be as well known as others (such as Mayor of Casterbridge, which seems like the most similar book I've read to it - but, even then, it's not even that similar).

    Anyway, I suppose what makes the book so unique is it's rather mundane plot and story. It doesn't have any big climx or confrontations really, just goes into detail about the up and downs of the life of a "regular" joe. Of course, he has a somewhat interesting journey - going from being born on a dirt poor Missouri farm to an English Professor at the local college but, at a high level, all of the scenes in the book are very much grounded in the reality that at average person could experience.

    So, why isn't the book boring then? I wondered the same thing myself. I think there's two reasons. Firstly, the simplicity of the writing and how relatable it all is (no need to suspend disbelief) just makes it easy to follow and keep reading. Secondly, I do feel like the academia/professor environment is somewhat unique to most people and that was fun to read about, but it's only a small reason. I think that by writing about the "average" life Williams exposes such very deep and fundamental truths about our own lives that we might be too afraid to face as we march from one day to the next.  As one critic says:

     Steve Almond reviewed Stoner in The New York Times Magazine in 2014. Almond claims Stoner focuses on the "capacity to face the truth of who we are in private moments" and questions whether any of us is truly able to say we are able to do that. Almond states, "I devoured it in one sitting. I had never encountered a work so ruthless in its devotion to human truths and so tender in its execution.

     As I said earlier, I think reading this book had a profound impact on me. It made me aware of how seemingly small decisions in life (deciding to get into an unhappy marriage, having a conflict with a work colleague and not taking an active role in raising a child) can have large ramifications later on. There's this underlying notion that time passes by so quickly once you've fallen into a routine - you might not be aware of the consequences of your small decisions until you're old and it's too late to really accomplish anything further.

    I do want to clarify one point before going further about what the book means to me though. I actually believe (as did Williams, apparently) that Stoner had a pretty good life. I've always been of the opinion that a good way to measure your life is like how you ended up relative to the circumstances you were born into. By that measure, Stoner did climb quite far up the hierarchy - given all that his parents expected from him was to work on a farm like they did until he died and returned to the earth.

    OK, back to my own takeaways from the book. I guess it did also capture this idea of "quiet desperation" as in the the Thoreau quote:  the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.  While Stoners life was undoubtedly good from where he started, there's this tantalizing realization that it could have been much better, if only he had taken more agency and initiative. Several times throughout the book, Stoner mentions feeling like an observer in his own skin, not really having control over his decisions. I think nowadays we would call that being on "autopilot" just due to the demands and busyness of every day life. 

    In fact, one of the few times that Stoner does something out of his own "free will" or autonomy is when he decides to quit farming and study english literature. This sets him on a path in life that undoubtedly makes him happier and more fulfilled. But it's like his capacity to intervene in his own treadmill of life becomes diminished as the novel progresses and he just lets more and more things slide (such as relinquishing his daughter's upbringing to his life - and ultimately his daughter just becomes an alcoholic and gets knocked up in the end).

    The treadmill and pacing of life is brutal for most of us. We're too busy trying to get through the day and think about how to survive that we don't consciously try to intervene if we're not really "happy". But this intervention is exactly the key to bump yourself up into another tier of fulfillment or happiness in my opinion. As such, I don't think I should personally be afraid to intervene in the routine of my daily life. Like Stoner, the few times I have chosen to do this in my own life (e.g. taking a risk and moving to CA, or even choosing to go to S) really did pay off, but it's like I've become too complacent in recent years. I want to keep intervening in my own life and not settle for just being comfortable.

    In the end, Stoner reminds me that life goes by extremely fast especially once you get into a routine. If we want to complete or accomplish substantial tasks (such as writing a book or doing research, as in Stoners case), we need to consciously intervene. This goes for relationships and love as well - like Stoner has a brief experience of happiness during his affair and then goes back to his seemingly depressing marriage. Of course, it's better to have "learned" about love (see the intro quote) than not at all, but it does leave one wondering what things would have been if he had taken more initiative with Katherine as well. But Stoner's story is already written - all I can do is take his lessons to write my own. Maybe that means I should take more initiative with S? I don't want her to pass me by in life, especially cause I do think she's special - I realize tonight that I really don't want to lose her just yet. I want to see where things going and at least try to change my ways regarding ??

    Anyway, that's all about me. If you read this, go read Stoner. You won't regret it and you'll probably end up reflecting on what's left of your life as well :)

2023 in Review

Preamble:

 Well, I suppose it's better to do this late than never. A new year has come upon me again but, for some reason, I just wasn't in the mood to write a reflective New Year's blog post the past few days. Maybe it's for "good" reasons - I was pretty busy enjoying time with friends and family so, as a result, I wasn't feeling that motivated about blogging. On the other hand, I don't want blogging to just be something I do when it's "convenient" - it's important to record these snapshots of how I felt at a particular time in my life so I don't just leave it up to a "biased" view of my own memory when I reflect on things later on.

I also feel that I need to do this new year's blog tonight because things will be pretty busy for the next few weeks with work + school starting back. So, without further ado, let's get into things...

2023 Holidays

As is tradition, I should start off the post with some scene setting of what I did for new years / holiday vacation. It was pretty hectic at first, going to New Orelans for ?? but it was a fun experience overall and I'm glad I proved to myself that I was confident enough to do it. I also met Mex Tegmark irl which was pretty amazing. Then, I ended up getting the flu pretty badly so took about a week to recover, but at least I was able (read: forced) to sleep a lot. 

After that, I just spent some time between my hometown and TO, mostly catching up with friends and playing copious amounts of Civ with my siblings. It was nice though - the feeling of staying up until 5am to play games with my brother and sister again was nostalgic in a beautiful kind of way. I also feel sad though since I'm worried if this is one the last year's we can do this before someone ends of having too much "real" responsibilities (ie. having kids). I also felt this holiday was more social than last year, I hung out quite a bit with 3 along with catching up with people I hadn't seen in a long time like V and Gold(Au). 

In terms of actual new years day, I had dinner at the Keg with family and then went to Karoke for a bit with 3 and friends. Then stayed up until like ~4am playing civ once again - but it felt really nice. In fact, I would say that I finally started to "relax" and forget about work/research stuff which was a big deal for me.

Reflections on predictions from last year's blog post

Another thing I've started doing is re-reading my old blog post from a year ago and seeing (broadly) if my predictions for what I thought would happen this year actually came to fruition. Let's see...I claimed my goals for 2023 would be:

1.) Complete some type of individual research project on ML/neuroscience type systems

2.) Do more research with J about generalization in ML

3.) Interview and potentially start working at startups

4.) Finish editing HS novel and/or do more writing in general

5.) Continue to read regularly

6.) Have a consistent sleep schedule

7.) Prioritizing dating and/or getting to form new relationships with "interesting" people

And mentioned it was weighted more towards 1-4. I thought I wouldn't have much time for dating (as I put that as #7) but...haha, I guess life had other plans. Will get to that later.

Anyway, reflecting upon this list now, I would say that I accomplished most of it. However, it does seem like I "failed" at the first (and most important?) point since I didn't end up doing any individual research, though I did start forming a concrete list of ideas and resources. In truth, this was probably not really feasible anyway just given the amount of other things I was juggling.

However, I was able to do more generalization research with J and even present at a top-tier conference which I am grateful about. I kind of feel like sometimes I'm just taking some experiences for granted as if they've become "normalized" to me, but I should never forget how far I've come. 

I did interview at quite a lot of startups, so #3 is taken care of. I didn't actually accept any concrete offers, except at the NYC place and, maybe this was a failure on my part in terms of not studying enough, but it doesn't make me feel that bad so I can perhaps chalk that up to not truly wanting the job(s) to begin with. Probably the most unique one was NL and I had a whole separate blog post about that. Anyway, the point here is that I did genuinely try to interview and explore startups, and will continue to do so in 2024.

I did finish editing my HS novel and submitted it to a contest. While nothing came of it, I am proud that I took the effort to get it over the finish line and put it out there. I'm sure there's a lot more work I need to do on it but just being able to complete a goal I've had for so long is not something that should be overlooked.

#5 and #6 are mostly about health/wellness so don't think I need to comment on that much here since I'll mention it when we get to the "scorecard". #7, as I mentioned before, probably even worked out better than I hoped especially given  how busy this year seemed.

Scorecard

Let's just get into it, even though it's cringe and reminds me of perf reviews (sigh)...

Fitness / Physical Health - 3.5/5

Not sure how to rate this one, tbh. I feel like I was pretty active this year, I remember there were some weeks that I literally went to the gym and played badminton all five days during the week. But I think I'm just getting older in general and can feel my body deteriorating somewhat - my back and ankle seem to get injured far more easily now and I don't recovery from soreness as fast as I used to.

Anyway though, I think my hobbies/routines are pretty active (badminton 2x a week) and (gym 2-3x a week) and I was making steady progress until I came home for the holidays. I think as long as I keep up this routine then I'll be happy with my physical health in general

Mental Health -  4/5

This is also a tough one to assess but I think I did reasonably well on it because I was able to step outside of my comfort zone and put myself in new situations. Whether it was going to New Orleans to present a conference for the first time or going to Socal for a few weeks for another work conference/wedding, I felt that I was able to push through my anxiety and have a reasonably good time. I kind of felt that adventurous spark returning a little bit, which is something I never thought I would say again. 

At the same time, I don't want to be too wild though and burn myself out again. I think travelling to London and Japan are really my two big "dreams" in this area so if I can make at least one of them happen next year then I would consider that a great outcome.

I don't remember any particular "bad" mental health incidents (panic attacks etc.) this past year so I suppose that's a good sign...but I shouldn't get complacent either.

Creative Hobbies (Writing, ML research etc.) - 2.5/5

I had mentioned this earlier, but I was finally able to complete my novel and submit to a contest. That was a big milestone for me but, in terms of the rest of the year, I didn't really have time (or, realistically, the motivation) to do any more creative writing. I wrote down that I wanted to do truly "original" ML research but I didn't have time for that either.

Looking back, I think it seems like I wanted to do more in this area than I really did. While I have a decent explanation for why things didn't work out the way they did (ie. too many other obligations) I think I need to be more cognizant about this in the future. After all, if I don't have enough time to do what I want then I need to re-organize my schedule or get rid of some obligations until I do. No one else is going to do this for me.

Dating / Social - 4/5

I wasn't expecting this to be as high as it was but meeting S as the wedding was a pretty big deal. I feel a connection with her and, while I'm not sure where it'll go, I think it's more connected than I felt to anyone in a while. I also went on some dates but they weren't really anything special - there was one girl I thought I had some chemistry with but I forgot to respond for like a week and it fizzled out. I think there was another girl as well but I forget...

Anyway, I think it's pretty much S or bust at this point. Oh yeah, we also got pretty physical too if I care about that stuff in the future (or will everyone just be banging AI waifus 10 years from now? I guess that's alright with me too...) 

In terms of friendships, I don't think there was really anything new. I think I became closer with C&V (working on some joint projects) and, of course, with K, A, J. We re-connected with Frankie which was always nice but I feel pretty saturated with friends at the moment so this was never a big deal anyway. Oh yeah, re-connected with HG (from work) too...

Career / Academics - 3.5/5

I said this in my previous post, but I feel pretty apathetic about my "main" career right now. I was somewhat motivated at the end of the year, but my ERFs didn't really work out and maybe I'm just fickle about it. At the end of the day, I don't think I care about climbing the career ladder anymore, especially cause I don't really jive with my current boss (he seems too political/fake even though he's nice towards me). Also, I just feel like there's so many other interesting things to study and work on that just staying at ?? seems like a waste. I mean, it's a comfortable job and I'm extremely privileged to have it, but the point of life is not just to be comfortable. I need to push myself and strive to do something that I'm really interested in, especially if I have the luxury to do so. It's like an obligation I have just because of the fact that I exist in this world.

Anyway, getting back to reality, I think other aspects of my overall career have been going well though - I started teaching at S which could open up some doors in the future, prioritized research with J more (but still don't have a "real" paper) and applied to YC with C (even though it didn't work out, I think it could still be a realistic path in the future). So, even if my main career isn't really flourishing, I think there's still quite a bit of potential here and I was able to plant some new seeds this year (even at NYC startup!).

Reflections for 2024

OK, I finally made it - somehow. As usual, it's an ungodly hour right now - 5:16am to be exact. So I just want to quickly jot down some goals/aspirations I had for 2024, so I can reflect on it a year from now.

1.) Continue interviewing at startups and looking for opportunities. Maybe connect with Ali about independent research

2.) Have a real relationship with S?

3.) Sleep 8 hours a day and be consistent

4.) Do a concrete project with C

5.) Get back into writing and polish up HS novel

6.) Do original research

I just wrote these down as they came into to my mind and it's interesting to see what my subconscious thinks are reasonable goals for the next year. I think the big question is whether I truly will quit in March and, even if I don't have another job, just take the plunge and do some independent research? I also realize that having a real relationship with S might be something I actually want to try which, again, seems extremely rare for me.

Of course, given that I'm getting older and such now, I really want to prioritize health and sleeping regularly especially with the god-awful schedule I've had lately.

The last thing I want to stay before I sign off is that I truly hope that I can get to do the things I want in life. I met up with AU over the holidays and he was telling me and Heinz about how he was a startup and things didn't work out but, ultimately, he was happy he had the experience. I think that's all I've ever wanted. Just the experience of knowing I tried to give it my all and pursued something that I really believed in. I'll most likely fail, but that's OK. The point is life not to just live comfortable. I have the luxury of being able to do what I want and still have a huge cushion to fall back on so, as I said before, it's like I'm obligated to take the leap - what's the worse that could happen? As G.W. said, if I don't do it now, then I'll almost certainly regret it when I'm 40 (crazy to think that's the next decade of my life!)