Well, you know the deal. It's time for my annual New Year's reflection post. I'm somewhat happy to say that this time I'm actually starting early (it's Dec 28th here!) because, honestly, I think there's a lot I want to get down about this year and what lies ahead. So, instead of hastily writing a huge wall of text on NYE, this is my attempt to organize my thoughts more coherently.
To start, I want to reflect on several areas on the past year. Specifically: career, academics, health, social, and creative hobbies.
1.) Career
On a surface level, this is probably the area with the most improvement. I was able to get promoted and, overall, feel like I have more of an ability to drive the direction of the team. I'm proud of what I accomplished and, honestly, I'm surprised I was even able to do it while taking classes as well. I feel like I must have been very motivated at the start of the year in a way that is difficult to comprehend now. I also legitimately care about what I do at work - it's an interesting problem and my manager and co-workers are smart and easy going. I am afraid that P or M will leave which will make things significantly worse but I'm guessing that probably won't happen for another year or two.
Either way, things are good in this area. I've said it to before to many people, but I feel like working at ?? is probably the happiest I can be when it comes to some software/machine learning job at a large company. Probably the only thing which is lacking is the idea of not really working on something very "meaningful". Like, the problem is fun/interesting and all, but it doesn't really feel like I'm significantly making the world a better place. I know that's a tall order, and obviously a bit naive but I feel like I would be remiss to not point out that the optimal thing is to be spending your time working on something which you believe is truly helping the world.
I think when it comes to "work" there are really three main tenets you need. The first is that it's technically interesting/challenging. The second is that the environment is enjoyable. The third is that you feel like the thing you're working on is important and will truly have an impact. I'm lucky enough to have found a place where the first two are mostly covered but the third one is certainly not. I would obviously be lying to myself if I thought that working at A is the most meaningful thing I could be doing but, even if I try solve that problem by, let's say, going to a startup I'm sure the other two areas would suffer. It's a tough balancing act and something I still need time to figure out.
Overall Rating: 4/5
2.) Academics
I was pretty conflicted this year about academics. My motivation started off strong by taking RL and then ConvNets but quickly waned over the summer and led me into just taking a LOA in the fall. I think RL was fun, but, looking back, I'm still not quite sure if I absorbed that much information from it or it was "worth" the cost. Same thing with ConvNet course. I guess I'm still confused about what I want out of this degree or if it's worth pursuing.
Sometimes I wish I could just pay 50k and then get a piece of paper that would make others respect me instead of putting in all these hours for courses that sometimes don't feel worth it.
But then there's always the counterfactual argument. Which is pretty much asking myself, if I didn't do these courses, what else would I do with my time? Because obviously, if the answer is just sitting around playing games then taking classes is better, even if I'm not getting as much value out of it as I want.
Probably the best thing I've gained out of the degree so far is the connections I've made. I think the mindset here is to not think too far ahead when it comes to the degree. Just taking interesting courses, meet new people and hopefully learn some stuff. If it's becoming too stressful, then take a break. I'll get more into this "counterfactual" about "what I would be doing if I didn't take courses?" later when I talk about personal goals. The one datapoint I do have is the autumn quarter where I didn't take any courses but, even then, it wasn't like I was able to transfer all the time I would have spent doing coursework into writing or what not. There was some loss of efficiency, in fact, probably quite a large one.
Rating: 2/5
3.) Health
Thinking back, 2018 was not a great year health-wise. I started off the year with my fractured wrist which pretty much continued all the way into the summer. I also badly sprained an ankle which was already injured which led to not being able to do many exercises and took weeks to recover. Later on (mid-june) I would injure my shoulder joint and require physio. It was honestly only until Nov/Dec when I felt like I was really able to get back to doing all the exercises and, by then, I only had like a solid 1-2 months before the holiday break.
Nonetheless, I managed to go the gym pretty regularly throughout the year and do what I could. I feel pretty happy at the Y and with the group of friends I made there. Going to the gym definitely feels like a habit and something I "should" do now and I have certainly made progress. I think health-wise I have a good foundation going into 2019.
Rating: 3/5
4.) Social
I think in terms of developing new friendships and maintaining old ones, 2018 was actually not too bad. I was able to have some fairly deep convos with people like psycho girl (K), Json and Niha. I was also able to rekindle my relationship with SLin before she left to NY and I have a feeling we will hopefully be remain close friends for the years to come (we made a point to skype/video chat regularly and seem to be keeping to it). I think it was probably better than 2017 when the only close friend I really made was E, even though now it doesn't seem like our friendship is anything special but his potlucks are a nice type of gathering to go to once in a while.
Oh, the other people I forgot to mention are C and V. It's kind of sad/unexpected but honestly probably the thing that has affected my life the most since going back to school was meeting C. At first I didn't think much of him, but we hungout quite a bit this year, played lots of Occulus and honestly made a deeper connection. He's a really interesting guy (and obviously very smart) and I'm curious to see what he'll do one day - maybe we'll even work together in the future. He reminds me of a better and more introspective W, to be honest.
However, the one downside was I didn't really do as many "social" activities in 2018 as I did in 2017. We mostly stopped playing badminton due to my various injuries but we did start again near the end of the year. Hopefully this can continue in 2019 as it really is like the one sport I enjoy. I also stopped socializing at the gym that much since E left but I actually don't mind since I kind of just like to do my own thing at the gym and not worry about doing the same routine as him or whatever. I guess I became closer with J but he seems more like one of those superficial Stanford types so it's hard to say that I really "know" him.
Overall, I think I met some good people that seem like decent candidates to be friends with in the long term. Time will tell. I suppose the other thing to mention is that I feel less attached to my old high school friend group, even forgoing the chance to go on a vacation with them during the summer. Honestly, it just doesn't seem that special anymore and didn't really feel like it was worth my time in the sense that I didn't think it would be that enjoyable. It's kind of sad but I also realize deep down that it feels like the right decision. Of course, there's people from high school that I still continue to talk to regularly, like 3 and Dez but the others just come and go. I'm usually happy to see them and catch up but things feel saturated in the sense that I doubt that I really care enough anymore to go on a full trip with them again in the future? That magic seems to have long faded.
Rating: 4/5
5.) Hobbies/Creativity
This is another area where I think I did reasonably well and even "followed through" starting from the beginning of the year. For a long time now (like the previous 3-4 New Years posts) I've always been mentioning that I want to take writing more seriously, but honestly, nothing really happened. I would feel galvanized for a week or so and then just give up. But, starting from January, I started going to W.S. with J and ended up even doing 3 classes this whole year. I was able to get a book/short story published (even if it was in some mediocre Canadian lit mag) and also submit a short story for a contest which I'll hear back from early next year. While it's true that I didn't complete any of my "major" stories I've been working on for a few years now, I'm glad I was able to invest more time into writing especially since it's something I've always talked about. But I think it really did help me to confirm that this is a creative hobby I enjoy and not just something that I talk about in theory. It also feels more tangible because when I meet other writers I have something real to talk about. Anyway, I am worried that I might lose focus again in 2019 but hopefully what I did in 2018 will give me the motivation I need to make writing into a habit.
In terms of other hobbies, I don't think there's really much. I barely played badminton this year due to the aforementioned injures and just generally being apathetic. But, my time is really limited so I think if I'm able to just focus consistently on writing and going to the gym in 2019 then I should be pretty proud of myself. I'm not sure there's really any other hobbies I want to pursue. I can't really relate to "other people" who tend to always bounce around from hobby to hobby or are just unable to figure out what they like. For me, it's like there's some deep intuition which is telling me that writing is the creative hobby / outlet for me and I'm fine with sticking with that. Maybe if I can find the time then playing more badminton would be nice too.
Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention is that I think with all this writing stuff I learned something about myself in that, sometimes the best way to motivate me, was just to try to work towards small deadlines. This could be like how we have to finish a prompt every week for W.S. or even committing to writing a short story for a contest and then following through. Honestly, I'm pretty good at following through with small goals like these and sometimes you even get positive feedback from it (like getting published). So...I guess I'm slowly learning more about myself too.
Overall Rating: 3/5 (it would be 4/5 but I'm skeptical that my motivation will continue into 2019).
6.) Relationships
Yeah, I know. Saving the worse for last. Looking back, I think one major problem was that I really started off 2018 on the wrong foot especially when it came to Hg. For whatever reason, I was still thinking I had a real chance to be with her and that led to unrealistic expectations and really made me blind when it came to pursuing anything else. I should have known after the first time we hungout in January that there wasn't really much there but (and I think this is more a general problem I have) but I refused to just move on. It's kind of like, once I get an idea in my head, I refuse to let go of it out of stubbornness/autism until I know for sure it's not going to work. This is useful in some cases because it means I stay determined but, on the other hand, it means that I have a lot of trouble admitting when I'm wrong especially if there's any ambiguity. The thing about Hg is that, you know, there's never going to be the kind of closure that I wanted. But I need to learn to live with that and, ultimately, not waste anymore time.
The one ray of hope is that I did end up going on more dates and meeting interesting people near the end of the year which I actually think has the potential to become something. But, again, I think some soul searching is required here. Soul searching in the sense of figuring out whether being in a relationship is really the thing that I should devote my energy towards and that would bring me the most happiness/fulfillment. Somewhat ironically, it was Hg who said she wasn't interested in dating again for a long time because she didn't feel it would make her any happier. Of course, even I'm going with the mentality of "waiting until someone cool comes along" I still need to explore and try to put myself in situations where I meet new people. It's pretty obvious but I think somewhat overlooked that you don't discover new people by just staying home alone.
So yeah, overall, not great on the relationship front but one silver lining is that all this with Hg really did help me get a clear look at some of my biggest personal flaws and it gave me an opportunity to be honest with myself. Will try to do better in 2019.
Overall Rating: 2/5
Summary and Looking Forward for 2019
Ultimately, I'm relatively OK with how 2018 turned out. It wasn't as turbulent at 2016 in terms of the whole transition about moving to Cali and what not, but at the same time, I feel like I accomplished more than in 2017 mainly because I was more comfortable with my environment and was able to branch out and try new things (such as forming new friendships, hobbies etc). My one hope for 2019 is to really start to hone in and focus on important things. For example, starting to truly focus on writing my own stories instead of just doing WS. Of course, I also want to continue developing relationships with other people who I see potential in and maybe even be more adventurous when it comes to relationships.
I feel like for 2018, it's OK to put career on the back burner for a bit and focus more on hobbies/interests/relationships. I'm pretty fine with how I'm doing and I think the true "next step" about whether to do a startup or move to London for ?? is probably a conversation that's better had when looking forwards 2020 as by then I would have completed 4 years at ?? and be ready to move on. But, of course, I know work is fickle and things can change. This is only a plan, after all.
I do think I need to make some tough decisions about grad school. Do I really want to finish it? Do I really think it's worth it ? How much of it is me just doing it for prestige or to prove something to myself/others vs. actually getting knowledge out of it? I think if I do continue down this path then I should probably put more effort into using grad school as means of making more social and professional connections in order to really get the most out of it.
I want to end this (very long) post, by recalling a conversation I had with C a few months back. We were talking about what the "ideal" life might be, at least, in the context of "work". We both agreed that it's something where what you do today builds on what you'll have to do tomorrow because that naturally creates a sense of progress. I think without a sense of progress, without feeling like you're truly improving in some innate way, then you'll inevitably wind up depressed. I feel like I can already see the signs of this in many of peers who are lost in the typical 9-5 grind and grasping for a way out - whether it be grad school, switching jobs or even travelling the world. Maybe I'm grasping too. But, I am confident that the way to avoid this is spend your time doing activities which give you this sense of progression.
Sorry, I know this is getting kind of preachy. There's just one other thought I want to mention before closing (was reminded of it by some random post on reddit, actually). It was just about how, ultimately, we control our reality. You can be in the same situation as someone else but if your mindset is different that can completely change how you feel And so, I want to remind myself to not be anxious or concerned about where the future might lead but instead try to be excited about the future. Be excited about improving yourself and learning new things instead of worrying about what's outside your scope of influence. I will try to adopt this attitude when it comes to 2019 and I'm hoping I will be a happier and more productive person for it.
- O
