What would make a fulfilling life ?

[Note] It's been a long time since I published a blog but just in case my whole 3 readers actually care, I'm going to start making some private ones public again (with names/places mostly redacted). Maybe someone will find it interesting one day...

It was actually a pretty relaxing weekend. I was here and we all sat down to watch Daughters of Destiny on Netflix for 4 hours which is basically just a documentary about this wealthy guy who took it upon himself to built a school in India for the underprivileged. It helped me to reflect on my values and what was important to me in life - I've always wanted to help others and I think if I was able to complete a project like Dr. George then I would feel like my life was very fulfilling and the time I spent living it would seem worthwhile.

Thinking about it more concretely, I think the only "real" worthwhile things one can do to have a fulfilling life are:

1.) Create some art form of great value (that captures a generation or a major theme - such as 1984 or House for Mr Biswas or Rabbit Run)

2.) Make some fundamental discovery in science/technology or advance engineering/build useful infrastructure.

3.) Educate and help others who are underprivileged 

I think beyond that, nothing else really matters when it comes to living a fulfilling life. Of course, just from a statistics point of view, not everyone can make some major contribution to society but what's important is to view it as a goal that you strive towards. I do believe that our time and presence on earth is a rare gift and we should utilize it the best that we can.

Of course, I don't want to see it as a chore. I want to see it as my mission and something that I enjoy - while it's fun to sometimes just relax and play video games, I think without an over-aching goal to work towards I would easily get depressed.

Another thing that documentary did is make me question my current situation in life. I'm not so naive to think that I'm doing something fundamental or amazing for society - I think it's a decent product and has some usefulness to people (unlike, say, FB which is kind of evil). But, when I think about what I really wanted it was more about just like chasing the prestige of a fancy ML job and for my own ego and to solve interesting technical problems. However, more and more, I'm starting to think that I'm over that phase now - I wrote a paper and by doing so I've proved to myself I can win at that game so why not try something else ?

Maybe that new game is about working on more fundamental research in AI, maybe it's something completely different like VR, maybe it's about finishing a story that I'm actually proud of and can get published. It could be a lot of things - but I think it's time to do something new. I was waiting for a sign and now that ?? announced he was leaving today I think it's time for me to seriously consider moving on as well.

Internal Motivation

There are numerous reasons to be motivated in this world. Some of us are driven by the accumulation of wealth while others are propelled by an insatiable thirst for knowledge. But ultimately, our motivators fall into two broad categories — they are either internal or external. We are either motivated to accomplish certain goals because of our own internal beliefs or due to external influences such as society, family or friends. My goal in writing this article is to remind you that your own internal motivators will always be more reliable than external ones and far more instrumental to your success.

Of course, this seems natural at first — why would anyone not be motivated to do something they truly wanted for themselves? The answer is because of inertia. Inertia, as defined in physics, is the ability of any object to resist changes in its state/motion. If one applies the concept of inertia to their own life then things begin to make a lot more sense. Inertia is the reason why it seems so difficult to change your lifestyle especially when you don’t have a lot of external support. External support effectively reduces inertia — it’s easier to get started on a new journey when you have friends and family cheering you on.

Thus far, it seems like I’m doing a poor job defending the idea the idea that internal motivators are superior. But, let’s take a closer look at what external motivational really is. Being motivated by an external force means that the fuel which drives you is essentially the (positive) actions of others. But, we can’t fully control the actions of others — the only actions we can truly control are our own. As such, external motivators tend to influence you to rely less on your own mental strength and more on the positive feedback loop created by the praise of others. This leads one down a very dangerous path.

Essentially, living a life which hinges on external motivators is akin to taking a car on a road trip but having no control over when you can stop for fuel. If there’s a steep hill you need to climb then you better sincerely hope someone or something provides you with the fuel you need to overcome it. Sure, your friends and family might be supportive of your startup at first — but after a few months without any progress perhaps they’ll begin to give up hope. At that point, you need to rely on your own internal motivation to push through this obstacle and succeed. The bottom line is that if your energy comes from within then your success is less contingent on the actions of others and more on your own abilities.

I recently struggled with this conflict between internal and external motivators in my own life. I’ve always enjoyed playing sports, especially badminton, but for the last few months I decided to spend more time working out at the gym instead. The reason for this was, quite honestly, very external. Many of my co-workers go to the gym religiously and it kind of influenced me to start going with them as well. I enjoyed the feeling that came when my friends consistently told me I was looking more fit and in shape. But something happened when I went home for the Christmas break and didn’t interact with my usual circle of friends for a while — I stopped going to the gym for over a month.

The explanation behind my actions was quite simple — I just didn’t care enough on a personal level about going to the gym. Thus, when I encountered this first hurdle and my sense of external motivation was no longer there, this habit could not be sustained. On the other hand, when I came back from Christmas break, I started playing badminton again because it was an activity I legitimately enjoyed “deep down”. It didn’t matter that very few of my close friends or co-workers barely even understand what competitive badminton really is. At the end of the day, I felt more satisfied because I did it for me. After a few months, it’s clear to me now that I am much more dedicated about going to play badminton than I ever was about going to the gym.

At the end of the day, I’m a firm believer in the fact that true happiness comes from within. We don’t need to be told what should make us content — it’s something we are all innately aware of on an intrinsic level. You know when you’ve done a good job not because someone told you but due to the fact that you performed to the best of your ability. That is why you should always pursue what you believe in — even if the journey will be arduous. There are a plethora of examples where great individuals achieve success simply because they pursued a line of thinking that seemed unconventional at the time. They were able to preserve because of internal motivation — they truly believed in their cause even if no one else did.

Ultimately, both external and internal motivators can have a powerful effect on our actions. However, the difference between them is that internal motivators will always be more sustainable in the long run whereas the external motivators tend to be much more fickle. That is why one should not be afraid to overcome inertia and follow their true interests.

The Reason

The past is something that has always fascinated me. It simultaneously motivates us, condemns us and reminds us of our mistakes among other things. The past is something that always exists in our minds but just how real is it?  I read a very profound line in a novel once which went something like:

 "When it comes to the past, we all stack the deck." 

Which basically means that, at one point or another, we've all altered our memories to remember things in a different manner. I think this is most noticeable with emotions. Sometimes we try to be tough and not remember ourselves being as frightened as we really were during a confrontation. Or perhaps, upon ending a relationship we try to convince ourselves that we were never really in love with a specific person. It's actually extremely disheartening to think that I might actually be manipulating real emotions with false ones that are seemingly better to remember. I never want to forget the truth, no matter how mundane or ugly it might be - and that was my initial motivation for this blog. Sadly, the vast majority of people don't even reflect on the past but only worry about the future without wondering how they arrived at the present. I don't believe my life is defined by a few key events but rather incrementally by the actions I choose to make everyday - that's why I'm obsessed with having a record of my past. And that's the reason this blog exists.

Death

Today is probably one day in my life that I think I'll remember. It still seems pretty surreal. I used to think that the most comforting thing about life was that people/objects were continuous in space and time. If that's the case, why is it possible that someone who you were just heard on the phone a night ago can then turn up dead by such a random event the next day? I don't understand it. I'll probably never understand it.

It bothers me that there's no reason to rationalize why things like this happen. We see death everyday on the news, but we don't really see it. We don't really believe it in our hearts how much it hurts. Humans are selfish. We have such a limited emotional range and can only really seem to care when tragedy falls right into our lap. I keep asking myself, how can such terrible things happen? Is tragedy the only common thread in all our lives?

I'm scared about getting older and dealing with the deaths of ones whom I love. I guess you could say I don't really believe in the conventional idea of Heaven, but, when you really see death, one begins to really wish and hope that something like that did exist. If you try to just accept the world as it is, you'll simply find what seems like a random, aimless, cold mess without any order or meaning. So, why am I here? Why have I survived but others have lost their lives in such meaningless ways? I wish I had the answer to these questions.

It seems almost cruel to go on without fully believing that people can be killed and disappear from our lives so easily. It's not difficult for me to move on - I know I have tons of extra things to do in order to keep me busy but...how can life really be so fickle?

That's all, really. The discontinuities of life are truly terrifying. Why can't people slowly die or fade away asymptotically...instead of being here one day and gone the next? It's just so hard to imagine...

The End of Another Era

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. But, today is a special occasion in my mind  - the end of my undergraduate career. Looking back, I've realized that one way in which I can quantify all the ways I've changed is by reading my past blogs. And, since I'm not too fond of photographs, I think the best way to capture my emotions at this culmination of four years in Uni-town is through the only medium I know how - text.

I wanted to start this blog off with some dramatic analogy like "I feel as I'm standing on the edge of a towering cliff, looking down into a sea of possibilities but y afraid to dive in". However, the truth is, everything feels pretty surreal. It's hard to imagine never again having to sit those lecture halls I've been attending for four years now, and never again seeing the familiar university landscape. Most of all, this year I've definitely strived to be more social and "hang out" with people more which has turned out to be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I've felt like I have been able to experience more of the "typical college" type of life involving going to parties, staying out late and beer pong. On the flip side, I feel as if it's going to make me miss everyone even more.

Firstly, there's my Badminton Club friends. I've become a lot closer with them this past year and, to be honest, Badminton Club has been a huge part of my life at Uni. It was really the first place where I felt a sense of community (since I immediately did not fit with the typical "frat boy" white guys in Eng.) and it was a great escape from school work. We really had a great group dynamic and I just want to record one moment here because I know it'll make me happy when I go back and read in the future. After the last day of Club this year, we were just fooling around, vaguely wondering what we should do. And then, very spontaneously, we noticed someone had left floor hockey equipment outside of the gym. So, we played a very fun game of r 4v4 floor hockey. It was physically exhausting but everyone was laughing the whole time. Ultimately, Badminton Club made me feel at home at a time in my life when I was truly beginning to feel homesick and miss high school back in first year.

Then, there's my Apple Math friends who I've definitely become more close with this year  probably because, as mentioned before, I've been more social and attended more parties/hangouts. I also realized that I'm not that different from them. As we casually joke around, we're all nerds here. I'll miss the unique atmosphere of hanging around in the cave and playing Halo/Startcraft.

Then, there's other random people like J and D. But they probably deserve a blog post of their own.

Honestly, my emotions today weren't even correlated to the people I was going to miss (I just naturally started talking about it once I began to write this blog) but more of the University atmosphere in this town. I'll honestly miss it so much. I also realized today, though I had of course known it all along, that I'm so grateful to have amazing Professors and mentors along the way. When I was talking about a possible prof I might work with next year, he mentioned how great my letters of reference were and that really did tug at my heartstrings. I think its pretty rare to find people who actually take an interest in your well-being and want you to succeed and will do anything they can to help you. But, of course, I should be telling my Profs this rather than telling myself - and I will.

Ultimately, the reason I'll miss this place so much is because of fact that I enjoyed my time here and, I think, developed a lot as a person. It's bitter-sweet but I suppose that's just the nature of any period one enjoys in their life. But these four years have really been a journey and sometimes I've been very uncertain with regards to not knowing what to do next, what program to go into, how to pay tuition, what to do for the summer. But somehow, things always seemed to work out. I'm not sure if this is due to fate, or the fact that I was just motivated to succeed, or both. It's hard to tell.

In the end, I've had people ask me "Do your life would have been any different if you had went to University X instead?" I think that's a stupid question. No one can accurately quantify how differently their life would have been or how they would have felt if they chose a different path, so why bother even speculating. What I do know, and the only thing that I believe is important, is that I've enjoyed the path that I chose for University and I think it has given me a good foundation for success in the future. And really, that's all that matters.

East of Eden

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."








I've often wondered, in the whole scheme of human history, if we could somehow tally up all the "good" deeds and "bad" deeds that people have committed and assign a point value indicating the relative goodness/badness of a deed (ie. stealing from your brother = 1 badness point, killing your brother = 100 badness points), what would be the finally score? Is humanity overwhelmingly good or bad?


It seems to me that, unfortunately, the answer would have to be evil. Each new generation faces the same struggle between good and evil in their hearts as the one before it. Humans have done some cruel and terrible things - like enslaving fellow humans, torture, killing others for religious purposes. And I guess, to be fair, sometimes we remember the bad times more than the good times. But, no matter how egregious the acts we commit may seem,  as long as one still believes in the hope that they can change their ways, goodness will be present in society. And, I don't ever think that humans can fully extinguish the hope that things will get better. Well, except maybe people who commit suicide - but even that could just be due to them not realizing the magnitude of their decision.  Even Cathy Ames, the most "evil" character I've read about in literature thus far, showed remorse at some point.

So, the topic behind this post is basically due to the fact that I recently finished reading the acclaimed novel East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I thought it was one of the most thought-provoking and interesting novels I've read in a long time. I mean, I've read several good novels this summer that made me think but East of Eden made me want to just keep reading and not put it down. Anyway, the point of this post isn't to convince you to read the novel, but rather to talk more about what it means to me.

Basically the entire essence of the novel centers around the struggles of the main characters between the good and evil they have in their heart. Some characters, like Aron, are foolish and naive because they are too scared to accept that everyone is inherently evil in some way - or, at least, has the potential to be. This realization can be shocking. But evil is a part of humanity just as good is.  The most important idea the novel postulates is that we have the decision on whether we want our lives to ultimately be composed of good or evil deeds - and everyone has a basic idea of right and wrong.

This got me thinking about the role of good and evil in my own life. Do humans really have some kind of innate sense of what is right and wrong? Or does it just depend on the individual? Do people like serial killers and mass murderers really believe what they are doing is "OK" or do they just not care? Why do people derive happiness from seeing others suffer? Are we just build this way?

I guess I'm not so naive to not accept there's some "bad" parts of my psyche that kind of disgust me. But, it's a part of who I am. Is there any point trying to block or hide it away? I guess all I can try to do is find a balance that I can live with. I thought I'd have more to say but I really don't - this struggle, as Steinbeck says, is really the only struggle I have. Will I succumb to all my fears and inadequacies? Or will be able to make a positive impact with the brief time I have here? I guess, only time will tell.

Structure

You might not know it from reading this blog, but I'm a pretty laid back person. In my free time (ie. not at school or work), I don't usually have a plan about what I'm going to do. Or on the weekend, if I don't have any work, I don't really plan how I'll spend it. Sure, I have some vague ideas but I don't like being restricted by a schedule or a specific time.

Basically, while I believe every society and every person's life needs some of structure to function I think that nowadays people try to implement TOO much structure in their lives - especially in their so called "free" time. This leads to people being unhappy overall since they always have this kind of "schedule" they need to follow in the back of their mind. What does it matter if you're 10 mins late to meet a friend or don't get to watch your favourite tv show right on time - if you're already happy in the moment. I think society in general forces too much structure on people. The education system for example - students aren't allowed to discover and pursue conclusions for themselves but rather are expected to memorize equations and do repetitive "drill" exercises. This ruins the entire beauty of learning - but I'll try to elaborate on how I would improve education specifically in another post.

This post was really motivated by a random "personality" quiz a friend made me take. One of the questions which was phrased something like "deadlines seem more of a relative, rather than absolute importance to you" definitely stood out. That's is EXACTLY how I feel about so many things in life and it's unfortunate because people who I truly am close with like my dad and sister seem to be so caught up with doing things on time. They are slaves to this inherent belief that you if you do things in a specific order or way you'll feel happier - but I think its the complete opposite.

Now don't get me wrong - I agree that we all need deadlines for things like school and work or else nothing would ever get done. But at the same time, I feel like deadlines are so fabricated. Most of the time, you don't know how long a project will take before you really get started. And besides, in an "ideal" world people would work as hard as they possibly could because they truly care. I think really being interested in a project is much more important than deadlines.

And, I really do believe most deadlines are relative. I'm often late for class by 5 or 10 minutes in the morning just cause I know it doesn't really matter if I'm there at 8:30 or 8:40. I can still understand and absorb information - so why should I rush and stress out in the morning about getting to school on time? Life is far too short to worry about being on time for every little thing and I feel I see so many people who just burdened by this need to always be on time or always have things planned out.

However, society just can't be laid back and everyone can't just do things at their own pace. Sometimes, things do need to have a very specific indication of when they will happen - like the time a bus or plane leaves or when you should show up a job interview (though that's mostly for equiette reasons). The reason I don't mind being "late" is not because I don't care but I just simply think, in a lot of instances, time isn't worth worrying about.

Now I accept the fact that, to some degree, being punctual is essential to succeed in school and life. But what about on your own free time or at a social event with friends? In these cases, I feel its best to not worry about time but just go with the flow. Planning too much of having too much of a structure just seems to ruin everything. Like, for example, I could never see myself really planning a trip a year or a few months in advance since well - how do I know if I'd still even feel like going then? I'd rather just plan a trip a week ahead of time. Most people think are so clever and organized planning stuff in advance but I think they are foolish - life is about being happy at the present not trying to plan for some thing you "believe" will make you happy in the future. I only know how I feel now, at this very moment, and human emotions are very suspect to change. For example, there are times when I want to hangout with friends and other times where I just want to sit at home and read a book. Why should I plan ahead weeks in advance to hangout with friends just to not feel like it at the time?

Now, I guess that sounds kind of selfish. But, at the end of the day, the only person we need to TRULY need to live with is ourselves. Being punctual a should be left for school/work/paying bills. Society is already structured enough as it is - I don't think its too much to ask to have a few days or moments when we can really not have to worry about planning.

Outside Your Bubble

Despite the cruel, violent and paranoid world often portrayed by the media, I feel as is still plenty of hope left for humanity if one is only willing to look. Just today, another woman in my building who has previously parked in my parking spot when she wasn't supposed to came over to apologize and give me quite a pricey gift. While an apology was nice, she really went the extra mile and it made me appreciate that sometimes people really can just be kind to others. Whether or not people are kind just because they want to feel good about themselves is perhaps a more philosophical topic for another time and another blog.

The point of this short blog was simply to say that I feel there are still good people out there willing to help out. Whether is the person who gets you a wad of tissues when you spill coffee all over your desk in a lecture or the person who gives you a (seemingly) random gift, there is still good in the world despite what the news might indicate. As a more general critique, I feel as if the news tends to downplay these simple acts of human kindness and people helping others to devote more times to stories of violence and hatred. In turn, this scares people and only breeds distrust and skepticism. While the media should report the truth, it should be as untainted as possible.

One could argument that it would be trivial for the media to focus on such seemingly small acts. Which is a sad point in itself  in that perhaps I think it is rare for someone to even do something kind to another random person. Have we become so isolated in our circle of friends/family that we can't reach out and be kind to one another? If people refuse to connect with one another for reasons other than social/material gain, how can we ever expect to understand each other and move ahead as a race? 

The Changing Face of Education

I was talking with a friend recently about how university education isn’t as prestigious as it once was and how the times have changed. When my parents went to university, it seemed as it if a university had the connotation that it was reversed for those types of people who were truly “intellectual” and wanted to pursue academics. However, for those type of people who wanted to simply learn a trade or go into the workspace, college was a better choice. College didn’t have the kind of “bad” stigma that it does today – where one assumes that only “stupid” or “dumb” kids graduating from university go to college.

            To be honest, I think the system is better this way. There seemed to be a clearer divide between where to go depending on what you wanted to do. Nowadays, it seems like university have blurred that line worst than using the Photoshop tool on it.  Most teenagers I know just go to university, in basically ANY program, because it’s what it is expected of them. However, I, and it seems many other people I’ve talked to (okay I’m only really talking about discussing this with Heinz here), seem to think that university education isn’t even needed. What does it matter? Unless you are doing academic research, most skills for a specific job can be learned in a few months or at most a year. In fact, I believe that learning things like chemistry, physics and math are only really "practical" if your job ends up involving research in those fields or else, while it is interesting, why does it really matter? Heinz agreed that the only jobs that really need schooling are those who are professionals – like doctors or lawyers and need to learn a SET of skills. Yes, yes, I know I am generalizing but I think overall most of what learns in university isn’t even used in the “real world”. Even this engineer I had to interview for an assignment once mentioned that he only used about 5-10% of what he learned in university once he started working.

            I think it’d be a step forward in society if educational institutions had more clearer boundaries so people go decide where they’d want to go. But, I think the face of the university education will change in my lifetime. Or, at least, I hope it does. Recently, Harvard and MIT have been offering free online courses to anyone who cares to take them. While this obviously isn’t as accredited today as actually attending a university, maybe this is where our society is heading. Maybe, our society could head towards self-directed learning after high school through online courses that anyone could take and then…apply for jobs? I don’t know – I guess I haven’t completely thought it out. But I think our current educational structure has to, and will, change.

Ordinary

I know I haven't been blogging in a while. In fact, I feel rather guilty about it. Lately, I've been playing D3, going to work, exercising, reading and doing some thinking. But I realize I do miss blogging. Now that my honeymoon phase with D3 is over (totally stole that phrase from someone lol...), hopefully my life can get back to a (somewhat) normal routine.

Anyway, today was one of those days I really liked. The kind of day where I sleep in, do some quiet reading, go for a walk, play some video games and just...chill. I like these kind of days because they don't have any plan. Nothing /needs/ to be done and I have some free time to myself to do whatever I want. Of course, it's a slippery slope which can lead me to descend into boredom and apathy. So, while days like these are a welcome break once in a while, they can definetly turn poisonous quickly.

Anyway, I was also reading this post about things you should do when you are 20. I agreed with most of the points, some I didn't care about, but there was one in particular that kind of irked me - a point  suggestion about how we should all be traveling and seeing new places. Honestly, I feel like a great deal of people think its "cool" or "important" to travel and see (or maybe experience, in special circumstances) different cultures and places on earth. Now, I wouldn't say I'm the adventurous type though I do hope to take a few trips this summer - just to have fun and not so much for exploration sake. But I just feel in society people are so concerned about physical, tangible, and material things. Not even just possessions but just with regard to wanting to travel or "get away" to see new locations.

I feel that people are overlooking the fact that first of all, natural beauty can be found almost anywhere. You don't need to go to some exotic location. Just going for a simple walk at night or in the evening, just observing all the things in the environment around you that you never cared to notice can really be beautiful sometimes. The same goes for people - people are complex and have depth to them. Maybe that roommate who's all quiet and ne, ver talks is actually one of the most philosophical guys you've ever met and has some great ideas to share. Also, while one could argue that going to a foreign location and seeing new cultures is quite the experience...I don't think it means much if you don't truly have an open mind to new ideas and concepts. There is no point just sitting on the sidelines and watching - if you are going then you might as well embrace and immerse yourself in a different culture, which I don't believe happens as much as it should. Lastly, in my opinion, there are "bigger" ideas out their to be embraced - religion, philosophy and love just to name a few. Though, perhaps traveling would allow one to have new experiences and better tackle these "bigger" issues.

Ultimately, I think what people really need is to learn more about ideas, and knowledge. To do more reading and thinking, before they act. Why does it seem like the great majority of society is always in such a hurry to escape their lives and run away to some other place? There is happiness to be found everywhere - especially in the mind and at home. Maybe, we don't have to look as far as we think we do.

Memory Drawer

In my room at home, I have a drawer where I keep almost everything that’s special or relevant to me. You could say it’s like my original blog. Since, probably, Grade 8, I’ve keep special notes/cards/movie tickets/anything that I’ve received from people. This drawer is special in that it ONLY contains “social” memories not like…tests I did well on (or failed?), though I do try to keep those too. Anyway, I like to think that it helps summarize my middle/high school years in one drawer. It does a good job of it too, I might add. Of course, it’s disorganized/clutter to no end, but…I sort of like it that way because then you’ll never know what you are going to find but you know that everything is there, just like how memories usually are.

            Recently, I was trying to find a letter a friend gave me for Christmas. I didn’t end up finding it yet but I plan to check again tonight. I found a lot of other stuff though. Including a bag containing my bountenair from Prom. It’s not as pretty now as it was then. In fact, it’s mostly all black, frayed, decayed, wilted and pitiful looking. I could go into a bunch of analogies about beauty fading and all that but…I’ll leave it to your fine imagination.

            Anyway, I thought it was really cool because it was almost like the visual complement to this blog. The sad part is, I haven’t really added much to it since I’ve gone to university. I don’t think I’ve shared that many special memories with anyone here yet…or at least, anything where I’ve had a physical remainder of it to save.

            And I worry sometimes, if these four years of university will just end up being a big “blank” in my memories years from now when I think back to the people I met and who I was at that time…

Update:

            So I found that note from a friend I was finally searching for amongst all these other thoughts in that drawer.  It made me feel really sad - sadder than I had ever felt in a while. It reminded me of the relationships I had in the past and how much they meant. It reminded me of the value of friendship and closeness with others, which is something I think I really needed to remember amidst academia, accumulation of material possessions and the other entire things one can get ensnared by in life if they are not careful. She may never read this, she may never even know who she is, but thank you. And I will try to follow your advice as best as I can. Always.

The truth about goodbye

Sometimes, I don't really understand goodbyes. They always feel awkward and like things are unresolved for some reason. Maybe its because you don't notice someone or something is gone until you can't see them again anymore. I guess its just hard for anyone to believe beforehand that something or someone who was present almost everyday in your life will just go away.

Anyway, the reason I think goodbyes are awkward sometimes is because it's difficult for me to really be genuine about it all. I mean even though I know someone is leaving and I might not see them again its just hard to me accept or try to emulate how I'm going to feel once I realize they are really gone. It's very different I guess knowing something is true and experiencing it on your own.