I've been back home for the summer for the past two months. Overall, it's been pretty relaxing though I can't help but feel guilty about not working harder towards my goals. At the start of summer, I had an ambitious list of things I wanted to accomplish such as finishing my novel, doing a neuroscience project with Jay and learning Unity for game programming. While I was able to finish my novel (which I suppose is a big accomplishment in terms of completing a project), the rest of my free time was mostly just spent playing video games (Sekiro, Fire Emblem) or hanging out with family.
Of course, maybe I shouldn't feel too guilty about this. Ever since I've moved away, I've realized that we should treasure the moments we have with friends and family especially as we all get older and, sorry to be so blunt, closer to death. In terms of playing video games, it is nice to indulge once in a while but obviously I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've always felt that while learning a new skill or working towards personal goals is difficult to get started, it always feels rewarding once I actually do it. For example, I never regret spending an hour at night writing my novel but I generally feel guilty if I end up just playing games and then going to bed. I probably need to just find a happy medium between the two where I allocate time to both playing games (or other relaxing activities) and doing some productive work towards my side-projects.
Aside from that, I have been feeling more apathetic lately. I'm quite bored with my current job but feel like it's irresponsible to leave given how high my compensation is due to the IPO. It's not that my job is actively bad, rather there's just too much politics and friction in actually getting things done. I know the optimal thing to do is probably just focus on other projects and try to "coast" at work but it's easier said than done since I do take pride in what I do at work (at least for the last five years). As such, it's difficult to just "turn off" the mentality of caring about my job though maybe it is the logical thing to do to avoid unnecessary stress.
Another notable event that happened this someone was reconnecting with Dez. I was happy to hear that she was OK and it was genuinely nice to catch up and share what happened in our lives. I'm not sure if we'll ever talk as frequently as we once did but maybe it's OK as long as we remain close enough to both be there for each other in tough situations. One highlight that stood out from our conversation was that even though I didn't talk to her for a year, she's probably still the person I feel "closest" with and trust the most. Before talking to her, I thought I had the same type of closeness with SF friends. But I see now that while I did grow closer with them, it still wasn't comparable to the level of comfort I felt when I was talking to her. As I said, I think a key component in truly "knowing" someone is understanding their whole journey - from who they were in the past to who they are now. I feel like my more recent friends only know a small snapshot of my journey and I would have to sit down and describe every year of my life to them in order to feel like we knew each other on the same level as Dez and I. Of course, that's not really feasible because it's borderline psycho behavior so maybe there's just no shortcut to developing strong friendships and you just need to put in the time. This is probably worthy of it's own blog post though.
The last thing I wanted to highlight from the summer was the trip 3 and I took to visit KW. It's been a long time since I went on a road trip with a friend and I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was a nice experience overall. Sometimes I feel like COVID has made me feel awkward about socializing but I had to remind myself again that life is about putting yourself in new situations. Not that it was really a big deal, or novel situation I feel like I've known 3 for a long time so there was really no reason to feel uncomfortable and it was just my own anxious mind almost getting the better of me.
Anyway, KW was just saying how he mainly felt stressed and burnt out with his current situation in life. His job is very demanding along with all the office politics and extra studying for exams - he basically didn't do anything else after work except maybe watch TV shows with his girlfriend. He seemed hopeful that it would get better in a few years so he could just chill and work a 9-5 type of a schedule but it got me wondering if he would have been happier doing something else in the first place? Of course, he's probably in too deep to admit it to himself (or maybe just not self-aware enough) but it seems kind of clear to me that there would have been other paths in life that might have made him happier. It was like he was sustained by this idea of deferred happiness which I think is always a slippery slope. Basically the notion that "Oh, if I just get over this hurdle now then in X years my life will be perfect" but it doesn't seem likely to me that it will work out that way. The career path he's chosen in general seems quite arduous and hard to really step back and take a break from (perhaps rightfully so) which makes it obvious that it isn't for everyone.
The point here was that deferring your happiness to some point in the future seems like a dangerous decision. The other thing I wanted to mention is that few people are self-aware (or brave enough) to reflect on whether they are truly on the path that is most likely to make them happy. One thing I always admired about C is that he was able to realize that just being a doctor wasn't exactly the path for him (despite putting all these years of training into it) and decided to try something new like going back to do his masters in CS. Though I realize there's a practical component to this as well but I feel the majority of people are just not brave or introspective enough to really question if they've made the right choices in life.
Anyway, I most likely can't change how others think but only myself. So, maybe I'm writing down this memory as a reminder to myself that it's OK to think deeply about whether my life is on a path that is truly making me happy (no matter how deep along that path I am). Also because that maybe I'm deferring happiness by staying in a job I don't really care about just to collect more money though I wouldn't say it's comparable to KW's situation since my actual job is much more chill. Nonetheless, we only have a limited time in life so we shouldn't spend too much of it chasing the dangling carrot of happiness.
I suppose one way to keep myself honest is by continuous reflection on where I am and where I want to go - that's why I have to continue to blog :)
