[Title from a popular JB song that's on the radio nowadays. It reminds me of a road trip I took with 3 to visit Kwong in his hometown and we played a lot of JB on the radio there. Maybe I'll look back on this 5-10 years from now and rediscover the song so I think it might be worth it...]
Anyway, it was a pretty good summer, especially the tail-end of it when I was back in my home town. I wasn't as productive as I hoped but I did get to do everything "socially" that I wanted (hanging out with friends at home and back downtown on the last day before I left). I was even able to finish a first draft of my book and take the time to really settle down and play some games again (like Fire Emblem and Sekiro which was a really fun experience).
When I went downtown to meet up with A and C again, I didn't feel as nostalgic as I thought I would. I didn't really miss downtown TO, it felt kind of unwelcoming and harsh compared to CA. Anyway, while it was nice to see them, it made me also realize how far we had all come. It's been almost 6-7 years since I first met them and, while our relationship feels the same, we are all at very different places in life. The funny thing is, it doesn't seem like long ago when we were roaming the streets of downtown and making dick jokes on the trip to center island. It made me kind of sad in a way, that maybe life is passing me by too quickly and perhaps I'll just wake up one day and realize I'm old.
Anyway, they both seem to be doing well though I hope A is able to make something more out of his life despite his shitty family situation. C is obviously doing well but he has a strong family support system, I'm always been more worried for A. I feel like his life could go either way and maybe I should be doing more to help him as a friend.
That being said, I'm about 3000 miles away, back in CA. It's only my second night here and it does feel like I'm still in that transition phase where I'm still missing the comforts of home. Nonetheless, I'm started to adjust again and embrace the idea of living by myself. I'm somewhat apprehensive about the two months ahead - I'm trying to take two relatively difficult courses in school while working (to finish off my MS) and it's like I feel burnt out before I even start. Though maybe burnt out is not the right term to use - it's more like I'm just scared of failure because there's group projects and I always have this (probably unfounded fear) about what if the project doesn't go well or we don't get any "good" results etc.
I realize such fears are stupid though. Academia and classes in particular should be a setting where I shouldn't be afraid about exploring. Maybe it's just my overachieving mindset but I really think I need to change my philosophy and just optimize for exploration or learning more. To that end, I hope to ask Professor J if I can do research with him next quarter as it's one of the main things I would like to try out before I leave school.
I thought I'd be more afraid about the flight or being back here alone but I'm not really. I do worry sometimes that maybe I'm not acknowledging my emotions or anxieties. That maybe they will just build up beneath the surprise and cause an explosion of fear/anxiety/guilt once they reach the surface. In that sense, I view blogging as a way to "let off the steam" in small increments so to speak. It's easy to just get lost in the day to day grind while resentment or other negative emotions build up so I need to remember to constantly introspect.
That being said, I'm still not super excited about this semester. While the material seems interesting, I was definitely more motivated when I started the program. What excites me the most now is the prospect of finishing and starting something new in life. But whatever new avenue I choose to pursue, I realize that I can't let fear of failure hold me back. I need to remember to cultivate a more curious and exploratory mindset or else I'll be dragging my feet through this journey of life.
So, I want to get into a routine while I'm here. To be productive at work/school while also having some time for creative hobbies such as editing my story. Going to the gym regularly wouldn't be a bad ideas as well...
