The last day of my vacation is officially tonight and then I head back to work tomorrow. As with most breaks from the routine of life, it felt like it went by too fast. That being said, I'm not really sure what I did in that time. I haven't seriously coded (both with regards to school or work) in almost two months and I can't say that I really miss it or am looking forward to going back.
In some sense, I feel that taking that long of a break without an explicit plan has put me in a state of apathy. Or maybe this is just my natural state of being. Anyway, what I did do over the break was:
1.) Continue writing the YA novel - about 40% done the first pass of editing and I think I actually have a coherent storyboard planned out. To be honest, I thought I would be able to accomplish more but I do need to acknowledge that I'm happy I made some progress.
2.) Started brainstorming on Jay's project and working on the GAN class. This wasn't really a huge amount of effort but it still felt nice to be learning about something that was new and genuinely interesting.
3.) Helped family with miscellaneous things such as brother getting married and purchasing a house.
4.) Beat Nier Automata which was a pretty thought-provoking and artistic experience
Anyway, maybe it's fine to just take things easy for a few months. I think I sometimes get in the mindset (one that's reinforced by overachievers in society) of feelings like I need to be productive all the time. For example, I couldn't even play a video game with my siblings for more than 2 hours without feeling like I was really starting to waste time and had to do something else. But that's not really the point - maybe I should treasure these moments where I'm just spending time with family instead of thinking about the next goal I want to accomplish.
It's possible that I'm just burnt out. I've been working pretty hard for almost six years now in addition to trying to finish a graduate degree as well. Even if that was true though, there is a sense of existential dread when I'm just sitting at home at night and playing video games to relax. The fear that I'm not doing anything useful or progressing towards an important goal.
The break did help me confirm one important thing which is that I'm not really passionate about my current job anymore. My plan is to stay at most until the end of the year (just for financial reasons) before doing something new. I want to write it down here so I can be explicit about it in case I ever try to go back on my words. But the reality is that there just seems like so many other interesting areas out there to explore (and even get jobs in) and I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I shouldn't just be playing it safe.
I am worried that when I do go back to work and start on this school project that I won't have any motivation to actually do things. I guess it's a silly fear because I've always been able to summon the effort but, in the back of my mind, I am worried about what if there's some kind of breaking point? Anyway, I guess that's why I should just have other outlets to focus on.
The last thing I wanted to mention is just the burden of having responsibilities. One of the best feelings about being on vacation was being able to go to sleep knowing I didn't have to wake up at a specific time in the morning. I think my ideal work environment would just have a little bit of structure (ie. I have a course or project to work on) but not as rigid as having meetings at specific times. For example, I was always pretty interested in doing research with Jay but the prospect of having regular meeting and deadlines kind of turned me off from it. It's almost as if just the very act of having obligations can poison even the most interesting projects.
Anyway, maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all and after a week or so at work I'll be able to get back into the groove. But is it a groove I want to get back into? I suppose that's why it's important to record my thoughts now before I dive in again.
