2025 Year in Review: A Year of Change

So, I guess it's time for the annual review of the previous year. Though I suppose I'm kind of cheating because it's actually a few days after the new year - January 4th (Sunday) to be exact. For some scene setting,  I'm sitting here at my parents place at 2am, before I "officially" have to go back to work the next day. The nice part is that I am working from home but one of my experiments at work over the break actually seemed to go very well, so I might have to work extra anyway in order to "launch" it. But, I feel that the moment I start to do work is the moment my holiday "break" truly ends, so it was important to me to write this blog post first, even if I end up doing work until 5am or so.

The Christmas break was less relaxing than I hoped - my mom was pretty sick (and I had an on-and-off flu mostly) so she complained more than usual about being tired and not getting enough help. I empathize with her a lot because there's no reason why she should have to do the bulk of the chores/cooking now that we're all adults and I do think my brother understands this as well, but her and my sister don't really understand each other. I don't want to dwell on this too much, I think it's sufficient to say there were a lot of family conflicts that made this holiday less-than-enjoyable and more stressful than it should have been, but all we can do is try to do something different next year - whether it's visiting for a shorter period of time, going somewhere new for Christmas, etc. Overall, the point is that my parents are getting older (esp. my mom) and we can't expect them to keep carrying the burden of performing all these holiday traditions. This is something I worry a lot about when they pass away - who will have the knowledge to carry on these traditions? To cook turkey and stuff in the way my mom does it? Perhaps that's why the cookbook is so important but it would just be a shallow imitation on what having my mom around for the holidays is really like. But perhaps this is worth it's own post so I'll try to shelve it for now.

Anyway, 2025. It was one of the most eventful years in recent memory, at least post COVID anyway. I had told some other friends but it felt like 2025 was almost like 3 years crammed into one owing to all the new changes and experiences in my life that occurred. Some highlights include:

1.) Getting a new job (obviously) and forming new friendships for the first time in a while

2.) Traveling again with friends (Banff/Calgary and Seattle/Vancouver)

3.) Relationship stuff with S and K (interestingly, a topic of last year's post...)

4.) Some new fitness goals (half marathon / 10k) 

But, let's get right into the review and retrospective (ugh, why does this remind me of my annual review at work...)

Reflections on predictions from last year's blog post

In my 2024 review post, my goals for 2025 were:

1.) Secure AI research job, start it in Feb-Mar and make a great first impression

2.) Fix sleep schedule , get 8 hours a day

3.) Finish editing story / send to Gail / publish it

3.) Half-Marathon and/or badminton tournament

4.) Real relationship with S or K ...?

1 is a bit cringe but I would say I mostly achieved it, I guess I forgot how much it meant to me back then, it feels like I've just gotten accustomed to it being part of my normal routine now. Though there is an element of prestige/ego attached to what I do now but I need to remember to be humble about it and use it to genuinely help or give advice to others, rather than going down the path of arrogance etc.

2 definitely didn't happen, though my health/fitness was surprisingly OK this year and I didn't get seriously sick. But sleep debt was definitely a real thing, many nights I would leave the office at 1am and only get 5-6 hours of sleep, but somehow I was able to manage it maybe because of all the novelty about working at ??

3 happened to some extent though, owing to the new job, I didn't really work on creative hobbies that much. BUT I did read an excerpt from my story at the Writer's workshop and sent the first pages to K so there is that

4 definitely happened, I would say I hit/achieved my fitness goals this past year

5 deserves it's own section but I would say I made progress in that direction even though it's not completely resolved yet

Scorecard

Fitness / Physical Health - 4.5/5

Despite the lack of sleep, I felt pretty healthy in 2025. I was able to do a 10k for real (and almost did a half-marathon distance in training) which felt like a big accomplishment to me, especially since I could barely run a mile when I started. I also played a lot more badminton and did skating with K&A, along with a ton of hiking in Banff, so I would definitely say I was happy physically in 2025 and want to continue this momentum into 2026 (though, of course, I'm being fat and lazy over the holidays...)

Mental Health -  3.5/5

Starting a new job was quite stressful and there was a lot of imposter syndrome at first. A lot of it was around the ?? code red about 1-2 months after I joined and then the 5.xx releases where I had a major contribution (babysitting). I remember being quite stressed at that time, wondering if I would get fired but, honestly, it all turned out OK in the end. I realized that even though researchers work quite hard at ??, everyone is quite nice and helpful in general (at least those that I interacted with). 

So, mental health wise, things did get easier after the summer and I feel more comfortably starting something new now for sure.

Creative Hobbies (Writing, ML research etc.) - 2/5

I alluded to this above, but there wasn't much progress here but I guess just due to a lack of time rather than a lack of motivation on my part. I did read an excerpt at the WS in-person session, which I guess meant that I overcame some type of mental barrier at the very least. But honestly, I was hoping to make a lot more progress on writing my book or just exploring other ideas I had. I hope if I'm more secure/chill with my job in 2026 that I can get back to some of the more creative hobbies I wanted to pursue.

Dating / Social - 4/5

I'm going to be generous here and give myself a 4/5 even though nothing truly happened on the dating front. I had a pretty intimate day with S where we talked about having kids etc, and got much closer with K (7am whiteboard sessions) but it's not like I was officially in a relationship with either of them. But I think from a social POV, just working at ?? had introduced me to a lot more people with the potential to be close friends - like V (younger brother), D (ex-quant seat mate), I (rich tall guy) and A (cringe), maybe even RW. It feels like work was so all consuming that it just makes it easier to spend a lot of time with others and becoming friends. I do have to admit they are pretty cool and admirable in how smart/motivating they are, and they've helped to push me out of my shell too. 

The bottom line is, since 2023, these are probably the first new friends I've made that I would say I have the potential to be close with. Though I sometimes feel like they want it more than I do (I feel saturated with friends/obligations mostly) and I'm not sure that I care that much. But again, that's a post for another time.

Career / Academics - 4.5/5

I didn't do a startup but it's pretty clear that I'm in one of the most prestigious places/roles for AI research right now so I think this is an unequivocally good thing for my career right now. And hopefully from a financial POV as well, though I don't think I've ever really cared about that. I feel very fortunate to be where I am financially to begin with.

Goals for 2026

1.) Fitness - take badminton coaching lessons / really improve OR do an official half-marathon

2.) Sleep/Rest - just sleep more, I'm not naive enough to think the 8 hours a day thing will really manifest

3.) Career/Work - transfer to another (science-oriented) team or do a startup or explore my own research ideas. I don't feel too strongly about this one though because I think since I'm doing something new now that there's still a lot of juice to squeeze (ie. learn) and I'll never be coasting the way I was at my previous job

4.) Dating/Social - Clarify things with K (probably she doesn't want it and I have to come to terms with it) and maybe try to re-connect with S (though I'm fine if that ship has sailed). I could start dating again but, honestly, it just doesn't feel like a big priority for me right now

5.) Hobbies - Submit book for publication / finish the first round of edits. Make it more artsy and authentic.

6.) Hobbies -  Do the cookbook for mom (by her birthday at least!) and more writing of your own

Final Thoughts

To be honest, I don't feel as strongly about the goals defined above as I had in recent years, I think 2025 was already a great stepping stone towards my goals and doing something different. I feel excited in an unexpected way because it feels like there's so many possibilities open in 2026 that it makes me cautiously optimistic about the future. I say this in contrast to some "normies" like KW (doctor guy from my hometown) who's life already seems to be charted out for him and he just needs to execute on it.

I'm proud of how I lived my life in 2025 and I think that's not a statement I could make as definitively in past years. I liked that I did new things that seemed to have made me a better person or at least collected new experiences (especially talking to 7am with K - not just materialistic things like traveling etc.). In 2026, I would like to continue making progress towards my goals while also remaining a good person and being someone close friends can trust. But I hope I can be even more autonomous and self-motivated about it rather than just seeking out what seems to be prestigious (ie. working as a researcher at ??). Though, it is definitely related to clout, I think being a researcher is a great experience and stepping stone so I don't fault myself at all for doing it - it's just that once I accumulate enough prestige/money I need to be ready to take the next step and strike out to pursue my creative passions in an independent way. I don't want to be stuck on the hedonistic treadmill especially after I've reached the point where I'm fine to get off any time I want.

This post is disjointed, I know. But it's almost 3am here now and I need to go respond to work stuff (sigh) so this is the best I can do to blurt my thoughts out into these words. See you for 2026 review in about a year and hopefully lots of more insights in between then :)

A High School Reunion in a Baby Shower

 So this past long weekend, I went to ?? and ?? baby shower (though really it was just a celebration of many things) and caught up with ~10 close friends from high school as a result. It was honestly a great time - I hadn't seem some of them since pre-covid and it felt very natural, like I could just be myself around them. Especially with J - even though he's still kind of immature/wandering in life, I was really happy to just goof around with him again. They planned out a great weekend - from a fancy dinner, going to a rave and then spending a day on the lake.

It's a bit crazy to think how we've gotten old. As M said, we've known each other since we were 14 at this point and likely our trauma during high school (taking calculus tests at lunch, anyone?) bonded us together. As usual, people asked if I still kept in touch with Dez and it did make me feel somewhat sad when I said no. I'm not sure how to feel about it overall, but I do know that if you had asked me back in high school, I would've thought Dez is the one I would have remained close with rather than these other people. I'm not even sure what I'd say to her if we spoke now, I guess I'd want to just see that she's doing well and proud of the life she's living - that she's not a normie and has goals she's excited about. I've kind of accepted that it's enough to have had a positive influence on someone's life even if they are no longer there. Maybe people and relationships are just temporary or only valid for a specific time in our lives.

I think those HS years were very formative for me (and us, in general). We chatted about if we think any of our personalities had changed significantly since then and I feel the answer was mostly no. I think J is still that guy with the ego, trying too hard to impress himself and others. I think G still struggles with his place in the world even though he's crazy smart. I think G2 is still trying to be different but is not able to strict with a career. I think being consistent in your goals and who are you is a good thing in general but we should also be adaptable and willing to change - that is kind of why I respected M more to some degree after that weekend.

To explain further, I got to have a few candid/deep conversations with M when I was there and it was quite illuminating - basically how she had decided to focus more on a family rather than a career. I still feel it's like "giving up" in a sense but I think it's also self-aware to be able to re-evaluate your goals. It does feel crazy to think of these kids I grew up with as someone who are going to be parents. It was a bit different with C and V since they were already a few years older (and likely more mature) than me. But these are literally my "peers" and they are having a baby?! It seems wild to me how fast time has passed by.

I was worried/disappointed in my other HS friends though. Most of them seem very stressed (as evidenced by the copious amount of drugs I saw during the weekend) and unclear about where they were going in life. They were either going down a conventional path of work + kids (and seemed stressed by it like S) or just unsure about what to do next like G and J. None of them seemed that fulfilled with how they were spending their time day to day except maybe the main couple of the baby shower who were looking forward to this next phase of life.

I feel like in order to remain sane in this world you need a strong sense of purpose or something to strive for. And, despite how smart my high school friends are, I kind of feel like they've lost this sense of purpose over the decade or so we've been in the working world now. I don't blame them too much (but I guess I do judge them...) because it's a hard thing to remain focused. Even I'm not sure sometimes, but I do feel like they are lost in some sense. Being lost might lead to just settling in some relationship, having kids for the sake of it or even trying to mask things by alcohol or drugs (which I see in G sometimes). But, at the end of the day, they are my friends and I love them but how can I help? Maybe I need to be a better friend and keep in touch. I'm not sure.

But I did feel pretty tender/sentimental about seeing this core group again. I could feel the others did as well. I hope we can continue to keep in touch and gather like this, as I said to K in the last post, there's something to be treasured about having "old friends" who really know your story and upbringing (obviously the same goes for lovers as well). I firmly believe that who you are today in the present is not all that matters, but you need to know the entire context and thought process behind how someone evolved to who they are today. If you don't know that, then how can you say you truly know someone?

Anyway, there's probably a lot more stuff that we talked about...will try to record it here as I remember / have more time :)

Post-Launch Thoughts

So, it's been quite hectic since I got back about a month ago but there's a bit of reprieve for now so I have time to blog again. 

In terms of work,  I was able to successfully contribute to the launch of a major AI model which I suppose was cool. I can't deny that it feels exciting to work on something that has the attention of so many people online even if didn't really live up to the colossal expectations people had for it. It also feels a bit less magical to me now that I know how the "sausage" is made and it is kind of funny to see all the wrong takes people have about how the model was trained on Twitter/LinkedIn for example.

Anyway, the weeks leading up the launch were pretty stressful - a lot of 1am nights in the office though, at the time, I didn't really mind so much. In fact, I felt a sense of camaraderie because other folks were working very hard as well. I'm also grateful that leadership recognized that we were working pretty hard and gave us a week off to relax (it's Saturday night at 3am here and I have one more day before I go back again...).

I am a bit concerned about my overall performance at work, I guess I have my first official review sometime in the next few weeks. Also slightly concerned about what to work on next - as I said in a previous post, I really don't want to just keep being a wagie though. Hopefully I can just do this until next spring/summer and then pursue my own startup or independent research full-time. I think I need to take initiative to build out the life I want to live instead of just being swept away by the current. That being said, I'm not particularly unhappy right now or anything - it is a good time to be at an AI company and perhaps this can make me even more financial secure in the future. At any rate, I think it's an interesting experience to literally be working to build the technology that is probably the hottest thing in the world right now. And I do believe that, in a fundamental sense, life is about collecting experiences.

I was feeling a bit hard on myself during these 4-5 days off about being "swept in the current" because I didnt really accomplish much. I just went to the gym, hungout with friends (drank with K/A/J and M until 3am and did karaoke) and then played pickleball. While it was undoubtedly fun, there was a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I should have been spending my time more wisely. What about finishing my HS novella? What about writing in general? What about watching more lectures about diffusion models? 

But perhaps this idea of always optimizing your time is just a trap. Maybe I did need some time to just reset and not do anything intellectual. Though my ideal life is probably one where I don't feel burnt out just doing research because I'm genuinely interested in it - and can just keep pursuing that. On the other hand, I dont want to be like our other unemployed friend M, whose life seems far too aimless - she just wakes up at 2pm every day and just has dinner / hangs out with friends with no real overall goal. I don't want to be like that, I'd rather steer more in the opposite direction (grinding too hard and over optimizing my time) but I should recognize that a happy medium exists.

Anyway, I think that's it for the work front. My takeaway is probably to continue with writing even if I don't feel motivated because it should be a "different" kind of creativity (ie. than research at work) and I think I'm just being lazy. I owe to my past selves to put in an effort to finish this novella and try to get it out into the world - especially because I do end up enjoying writing once I make the effort to start doing it.

On the relationship side, I thought I'd spend more time with S during the break but the day we were going to hangout her mom ended up having a minor stroke and she was in the ER with her. I was surprised how tender I felt about this, for the first time, I would have liked to go to the hospital and be there to support her/her family even though I didn't. I did genuinely pray for her mom to get better though and I told her that. Idk, it's a weird feeling, but it's one of the rare times I felt like I wanted to be part of her family and support her on a deeper level. Maybe this means I really do care more than I think? I guess it was also a green flag for me to see that she takes responsibility for her parents and cares about them (at least her mom).

But, I've also been spending a lot of time with K and A lately. I invited K to work badminton events and we went to multiple concerts over the past several weeks (Lady Gaga and then Keshi). I'm really grateful to have met her and A, because I feel like they've pushed me to do these new experiences (like the west coast trip and going to concerts) that I would not have otherwise. I feel like this is the first time since post-COVID where I'm really doing a lot of new things from a social POV and having fun as well.

The (baby) elephant in the room is if I like K as more than a friend though? She's much younger than me (probably like 6 years) which is a bit strange and also I do feel like she's at a different stage in life (phd student). Nonetheless, we do joke about eventually ending up in Boston together and I feel that if I was also younger and in academia (the dream is if I was doing my PhD at Stanford and met her) then she'd be near perfect for me. We've never really talked about (our own) relationships whether in the past or current, maybe it's something I should bring up anyway (with A also) if I really want to get closer to her. It is a bit strange that we seem like such "close" friends but don't talk about our own relationships - maybe that's just the Gen Z mentality of not caring that much about sex/relationships but I'm not sure. Anyway...things to think about in the future.

I think that's all for now! Tomorrow is the VC barbecue with C so I'm curious to see how that goes. I'm a bit worried about work but hopefully it'll be fine and I can survive these next 6 months while still learning things that will be useful for my startup / research later on. Along with being more directed with my time with regards to writing / going to the gym even. Is life really just a wheel that keeps turning indefinitely? Is control just an illusion...?