Musings about Summer Vacation and Travel with Friends

So, I'm near the tail end of my summer vacation and, truth be told, it feels hard to admit. It's been a pretty relaxing experience at home, even the trip to the west coast (Vancouver/Calgary/Banff/Montana) with friends went more smoothly than I expected. I got to spend quality time with parents and catch up with some "core" friends from the old days here (A/C/J) so wanted to take some time to record my thoughts before life gets too busy again.

I already wrote a lot in the last post about work, so I'll probably keep this light with regards to that for now. The only thing I want to mention is that was definitely nice to get a break after 4+ months of starting something new. The other thing I want to mention is that it feels difficult to go back to that life. I was having a lot of fun just chilling at home, playing games (Lies of P DLC was great) and doing creative things like writing again. I feel like I'm the kind of person who is able to adjust quickly to my surroundings once I'm in them (especially if I'm busy) so it's not like I was unhappy when I was grinding at work (time actually went by very fast) but it's like now that I've had a chance to step out of that environment, I realize that I'm not too excited/interested in going back. I'm sure it will be fine, but I really think that after a year I should probably take what I've learned and move on.

In terms of the trip with friends, it was definitely something I was apprehensive about - it's the first time I've really traveled with friends since post-covid. Also, it was the first time with this specific group of friends (though I do feel comfortable around them) and it was a lot of road tripping so I was kind of worried about the logistics of it (what if I had to use the bathroom? if my stomach wasn't feeling well?). But it all worked out in the end and I think we all had a good time along with becoming closer to each other.

The first day in Vancouver was great, I thought it was a beautiful city - maybe could even move there one day. The night in Calgary was a bit more anxiety inducing because we all had to sleep in one hotel room together and I got maybe ~3 hours of sleep (in addition to getting ~3 hours of sleep the previous night cause I had to wake up early for my flight) so I was kind of worried in the morning. But the first day in Banff went well (despite all the rain), and then we had Kinton. I slept much better that night since I had my own room and the next day we went on a challenging hike in Yoho - which was also scary in hindsight but I actually don't remember being too worried in the moment (maybe cause it was too physically exhausting). The last day was pretty chill, just hanging out in Calgary and then looking for wildlife before heading to the airport - but we also had hilarious conversations at night about whether we should make the 3am trip to Glacier.

Overall, I would say things turned out better than I expected on the trip. I do think that K/A/F are definitely my kind of people in that they are pretty easy-going and down to earth. I liked that we could all discuss the "insane plan" about driving at 3am to go to Glacier and see the sunrise - and also that they were cool with staying up super late / getting no sleep and just powering through it all. I'm glad I went on a trip with them though I do feel kind of sad that A and F are moving away and we would probably only see each other for like 1-2 times a year at most going forward. But, maybe the point of friendship is not to be bff's forever, but just appreciate the good times and positive influences you had on each other lives. At least, that's how I try to think about Dez now - it was kinda sad when 3 asked me about how she was doing when we were back in Windsor especially since he was like "oh, you guys use to be so close".

Speaking of friendship, I'm still not sure about what to do with S. We had a strange conversation when we were hanging out before I left, about how she was potentially interested in someone else and I explained that made me feel hurt / jealous, I suppose. But, at the same time, I'm not sure I want her to be my "girlfriend" or even potentially "wife" as such. Above all, I want her to just be someone I can trust and feel close with - maybe even more so than just having sex or doing physical stuff together. I feel it's strange - maybe it's like I'm putting her on a pedestal because I think there's an almost spiritual reason we met sometimes. I think we have a role to play in each other's lives but I'm not sure what it is yet or if just being significant other's is the "right" way to define it. It feels kind of cringe typing this, like I've bought into the whole bay area vibe of "open relationships" or "not conforming to the traditional ideas of marriage" stereotype but I genuinely don't know what my ideal type of relationship with S is. 

What I do know, and what I told her, is that I don't think I really need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy in life. I think when I measure and look back on my life, it won't be enough to just say I was in a happy relationship. I need to feel like I accomplished or produced something of value or at least tried my hardest in this regard. I obviously still want to have close friends / family to interact with, but I already feel like I have enough close friends / family to at least "satisfy" that part of my life. It's just unfortunate because I feel as you get older in society, perhaps the only way to remain "close" with someone is via a romantic relationship or getting married? Which is a shame. It's almost like the prisoners dilemma - I don't necessarily want to get married in order to have someone that's consistently in my life but, since others are going to get married (which implies drifting apart from other "friends") it feels like my best option is also to just get married and lock down someone that I'm at least "somewhat" compatible with. 

Anyway, my thoughts are still quite muddled in this area but my main focus for this year (at least until next summer) is just doing work/research anyway. So perhaps this is a question for 2026 - though I'm sure something will happen the next time I see S anyway.

The last thing I want to mention is spending time with family. I feel a bit guilty I didn't get to spend more time with my sister when I was back especially because I knew she wanted to and I felt like I let her down. I got to spend a lot of time with parents which was nice, but I do worry that my siblings and I will drift apart in the future - again, this is related to my above point in that I feel because they have their own spouses (and maybe families in the future?) it's just logistically hard to maintain close relationships with other people, even if they are siblings. But perhaps some fault lies with me as well, because I should also put in effort and sometimes it seems like they are putting in more than me despite having spouses anyway (so I could just be a hypocrite). In my defense, I would say I dislike the fact in general that our family has "extended" due to them obviously marrying into other families - it just seems to introduce more complications and conflict (ie. my brother arguing with my mom about his wife all the time) and not sure if it brings any additional happiness to my parents. I recognize it's terribly naive but I wish that we could just remain like an "immediate" family for as long as possible - at least until my parents die. But there's that prisoner's dilemma again - it's like everyone wants to find a partner/spouse/S.O. so they have the security of someone consistently being with them throughout their life (but, in doing so, they implicitly disregard other relationships with siblings/friends). 

Anyway, I think that's it for now. I hope I can settle back into a routine when I'm back in ?? and feel motivated about work. But maybe it's also fine if I don't - I think I'm old enough now that I should start to spend more time doing things I'm truly interested in rather than just being a wagie. So, this is a note to myself to remember to adaptable and don't be afraid to strike out and try something new if I feel like the time is right (even if it doesn't align with my initial plan).

Ok the actual last thing (I promise!) related to the above point, when traveling with K/A/F I realized that I felt younger than I really am. I was the oldest in the group (probably by 2-3 years) but it didn't feel like it - but, when I think about it, I do feel a bit too old to be doing such road trips with friends or at least wanting to do this that often (since this friend group usually goes on road trips to National Parks quite often but I kept dodging them). Maybe I'm past that phase in my life - I used to go to on trips with high school friends like Poconos and that stuff but is that time in my life just over now...? K is only 26 so it makes sense she is more into these type of "road trip with friends" style trips but maybe I've already lived that...

Anyway, I think that's it for now. I hope I can settle back into a routine when I'm back in ?? and feel motivated about work. But maybe it's also fine if I don't - I think I'm old enough now that I should start to spend more time doing things I'm truly interested in rather than just being a wagie. So, this is a note to myself to remember to adaptable and don't be afraid to strike out and try something new if I feel like the time is right (even if it doesn't align with my initial plan).

Four Months into Something New...

 I've been wanting to give an update for a while but it's been hard to find time - in fact, I think this has been one of the longest lapses between updates in recent memory. But, as I've said before, sometimes that's a good thing - it means that I'm out there living life and having new experiences rather than writing.

Indeed, life certainly has been full of new experiences lately. About four months ago, I started a job as a Research Scientist at ?? (probably one of the hottest AI tech companies in the world right now) and it's been a big change. There's been a lot of imposter syndrome in that I feel like I'm working with the cream of the crop - my team is mostly composed of PhDs from top-tier universities like Stanford/MIT/Harvard and then there's just me. 

I was pretty hesitant about starting, I guess I was still feeling bitter about things not working out with ?? which was like my dream job though perhaps in an irrational way. But, in hindsight, the position/team I actually accepted was probably a good middle ground because I ended up also having some close friends working there which was a nice support system. Also, the job itself isn't as "theoretical" as the ?? one so I think there was less of a steep learning curve (though still a large one) and it helped me ease into things more.

Anyway, the first few months have had a lot of ups and down. I realized that I had definitely gotten complacent in my previous role - and it did feel overwhelming at first. There's no one really holding your hand here and there's a lot of autonomy to just make big decisions. I do like that and it reminds me of the old days at <previous company> before it became too much about political posturing and writing big "roadmap" docs. I was able to somewhat prove myself though and actually received positive feedback from others (ie. spot bonus on the sycophancy work) but I know that I need to be vigilant and continue to work hard. Also, it sounds cliched to say, but I truly feel that most of the folks I work with are genuinely nice people despite a relatively high-stress or fast moving environment. I think some of them like DL and IC even have the potential to become real friends in the future.

Furthermore, there is a sense of being more "motivated" due to the fact that people around me are passionate about what they do as well. I don't get the sense that anyone is just trying to "coast" here and, rightly so, because people genuinely care about the mission and building the best AI product possible. That being said, I recognize that maybe the whole AI thing is maybe just a bubble, maybe it won't amount to anything in the end but I think this will be an experience I'm glad to say I had. In the end, I think that life is just about minimizing regret rather than maximizing profits. I could have stayed where I was, making like $1m a year and doing minimal work but I realize now that doing that was just like eroding my mental health in some way. That sounds dramatic to say, but I don't barely even think about my previous job anymore. In contrast to what I do now, it's just not interesting at all and seems like such a contrived/specific technical problem. 

I fundamentally believe that we have limited time in this life and should spend it doing things that are interesting to us. I've said it before, but one of my main goals in life is feeling like I've been able to reach and explore my full creative potential. That could mean discovering some new AI technique, writing a great novel or something else. But I know now that just working in my previous job was just leading to me stagnating as a person, even if it was very lucrative and it feels stupid to leave such a chill remote job. I'm not sure if what I'm doing now is going to be useful in the end but at least it's something new - and that's important to me.

On the other hand, I can tell that I am getting quite burnt out and probably have been for a while. It feels hard to work 8-10 hour days again and I do occasionally fantasize about quitting and exploring research ideas at my own pace. I also think about just exploring other creative outlets like writing or trying to improve my fitness (ie. started training for the half-marathon with A/F/K but had to stop due to work being too busy). Nonetheless, I think I can survive for a year here and hopefully learn as much as I can - then re-evaluate afterwards.

More than ever, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. It seems like close friends are all embarking on various different paths - some are having kids, others are doubling down on doing their own startup / focusing on career while others are burnt out and just traveling or doing something completely different altogether. Which bucket do I fall under? I think I feel pretty secure in myself and my goals than to just 'crash out' and move to Thailand (which is cringe, btw). But, on the other hand, I do feel like I need to give myself the opportunity to strike out on my own and explore my ideas. In fact, I'm kind of happy that no one at ?? is exploring the ideas that I've turning over in the back of my mind.

In contrast,  I have a close friend at work, who's a very nice person, but I hate that he is always seeking validation from his manager about his work or gets overly happy when he receives positive feedback. I would like to think I've moved beyond that - I want to just do interesting/good work for the intrinsic sake of it. I'm not impressed by some of the productive "wagies" or "bootlickers" that I see here sometimes, it's disappointing to think that they are just working so hard to perhaps realize someone else's (ie. the CEO's) dream. But, maybe I'm just being overly bitter...

Oh, I guess the last thing I wanted to mention about work specifically is that the manager that hired me (and that I liked quite a bit) kind of got pushed out to another team. At first, I was pretty concerned/worried but now I feel strangely calm about it. I'm trying to just roll with the punches and not overthink about work - I want to do a good job but also don't want work to define me. If anything defines me, it should be the kind of "independent" or "creative" projects I can pursue afterwards. I know, it's easier said than done, but I have more than enough money to retire. So why am I afraid? If I read this post in 2-3 years from now and I'm not doing my own thing, then I'll be pretty disappointed in myself.

There's so much more to update in life but that's probably enough for this post. It seems like, as V said, things never just get busy in one area of your life in isolation. I've been getting a lot closer with the ?? badminton crew - culminating in a trip to Vancouver/Calgary/Banff/Jasper over the previous long weekend. Also, things with S are still quite complicated but I feel more ready to take the leap and maybe be in a real relationship with her? But then there's also ?? from badminton?? So I don't even know. These deserve their own posts - I have next week off so I hope I can take more time to reflect and get these thoughts out.

 

...and the Start of Something New

 A natural continuation from the last post. I think this one will be shorter though.

So, since about Oct/Nov last year, I've been interviewing for new jobs along with my co-worker ??. My ideal thing was to get into research, as that's always kind of been my dream though I was also considering doing my own startup with ??. To make a long story short, I got a research job at ?? but got rejected from research at ?? (which was my top choice as the area of research is very aligned with my interests). This definitely stung a little bit, because I got so close for the latter, even at the reference check stage. There wasn't really a great explanation for why I didn't get it, I suspect one of my references wasn't strong enough or I just didn't have the experience they were looking for (phd + multiple papers) - or both. Hopefully I can apply again to ?? in the future, there were some promising signs with the manager there.

Anyway, I should remember to be grateful, since even having 1 of these 2 opportunities is quite rare and probably something I don't even deserve. So I decided to accept the one at ??. I don't know how it'll turn out and I definitely have a lot of imposter syndrome before my first day tomorrow. I need to wake up at 7am ish but it's almost midnight here and I'm just blogging away frantically. I think it's important to record my thoughts in an unbiased way before I truly start.

Because it's been so long to start something new, I wanted to reflect back on a post from 2016 when I started my previous job. It's funny because, in my last post, I probably seemed very confident that ?? (my previous job) was the right place to be and it worked out so well. But I was definitely uncertain back in the day, as I said:

Well I guess it feels more real now. As I told desda today, I actually feel excited about something for the first time in a long time. I feel a sort of new energy here - the energy that comes with a new beginning and a clean slate. I feel motivated and I'm actually excited to go out and meet new people. I'm excited that my place seems really cool and that, despite her mood swings, that my mom is here to help me.

That being said some parts of it still don't feel real. There's times when I look out my window and think I'm still in Toronto and then it takes a second for my brain to process that I'm actually 2000 miles away. But, it's OK. There are times when I have an overwhelming feeling of existential dread when I think of Monday and my upcoming job and worry about why I didn't just choose to go to grad school and maybe this is all wrong.. But that's OK too.

There are times when I miss my friends in Windsor and Toronto but I realize that everyone has to move on. Even C is going off to university and you shouldn't stay in a place just expecting things will always be the same or because you are content there. My biggest hope is that I continue to grow and learn while I'm here.

Relative to this change, my upcoming job is not a big transition - I'm still living in the same place and the distance to work is relatively the same. I still am worried about if I'm doing the right thing - if my time would be better spent doing a startup or just writing. But, here I am. I'm worried if lightning won't strike twice - if my upcoming job won't be as fun or lucrative as my 9 year stint at ??. But maybe that's fine. I believe an important skill in life is understanding when something isn't working and having the agency to change it.

So, how exactly do I feel on the eve of starting something new? Excited, but scared. Worried that the WLB will be a grind and that I won't be as smart as my peers. Worried that I won't be able to maintain some of my existing hobbies like badminton, creative writing etc. Nonetheless, I should be optimistic about the work I'm doing and the chance to learn from some very smart people - just like I said back in 2016. Let me have the strength to take it for what it is and take away the good things from it while leaving the bad.

I hope also that it gives me the confidence and agency to eventually do my startup. I want to just do fundamental research on how to create intelligence and I hope this helps set me down this path. I hope the culture isn't toxic, while I'm not exactly looking for new friends, I hope I can build new relationships.