Four Months into Something New...

 I've been wanting to give an update for a while but it's been hard to find time - in fact, I think this has been one of the longest lapses between updates in recent memory. But, as I've said before, sometimes that's a good thing - it means that I'm out there living life and having new experiences rather than writing.

Indeed, life certainly has been full of new experiences lately. About four months ago, I started a job as a Research Scientist at ?? (probably one of the hottest AI tech companies in the world right now) and it's been a big change. There's been a lot of imposter syndrome in that I feel like I'm working with the cream of the crop - my team is mostly composed of PhDs from top-tier universities like Stanford/MIT/Harvard and then there's just me. 

I was pretty hesitant about starting, I guess I was still feeling bitter about things not working out with ?? which was like my dream job though perhaps in an irrational way. But, in hindsight, the position/team I actually accepted was probably a good middle ground because I ended up also having some close friends working there which was a nice support system. Also, the job itself isn't as "theoretical" as the ?? one so I think there was less of a steep learning curve (though still a large one) and it helped me ease into things more.

Anyway, the first few months have had a lot of ups and down. I realized that I had definitely gotten complacent in my previous role - and it did feel overwhelming at first. There's no one really holding your hand here and there's a lot of autonomy to just make big decisions. I do like that and it reminds me of the old days at <previous company> before it became too much about political posturing and writing big "roadmap" docs. I was able to somewhat prove myself though and actually received positive feedback from others (ie. spot bonus on the sycophancy work) but I know that I need to be vigilant and continue to work hard. Also, it sounds cliched to say, but I truly feel that most of the folks I work with are genuinely nice people despite a relatively high-stress or fast moving environment. I think some of them like DL and IC even have the potential to become real friends in the future.

Furthermore, there is a sense of being more "motivated" due to the fact that people around me are passionate about what they do as well. I don't get the sense that anyone is just trying to "coast" here and, rightly so, because people genuinely care about the mission and building the best AI product possible. That being said, I recognize that maybe the whole AI thing is maybe just a bubble, maybe it won't amount to anything in the end but I think this will be an experience I'm glad to say I had. In the end, I think that life is just about minimizing regret rather than maximizing profits. I could have stayed where I was, making like $1m a year and doing minimal work but I realize now that doing that was just like eroding my mental health in some way. That sounds dramatic to say, but I don't barely even think about my previous job anymore. In contrast to what I do now, it's just not interesting at all and seems like such a contrived/specific technical problem. 

I fundamentally believe that we have limited time in this life and should spend it doing things that are interesting to us. I've said it before, but one of my main goals in life is feeling like I've been able to reach and explore my full creative potential. That could mean discovering some new AI technique, writing a great novel or something else. But I know now that just working in my previous job was just leading to me stagnating as a person, even if it was very lucrative and it feels stupid to leave such a chill remote job. I'm not sure if what I'm doing now is going to be useful in the end but at least it's something new - and that's important to me.

On the other hand, I can tell that I am getting quite burnt out and probably have been for a while. It feels hard to work 8-10 hour days again and I do occasionally fantasize about quitting and exploring research ideas at my own pace. I also think about just exploring other creative outlets like writing or trying to improve my fitness (ie. started training for the half-marathon with A/F/K but had to stop due to work being too busy). Nonetheless, I think I can survive for a year here and hopefully learn as much as I can - then re-evaluate afterwards.

More than ever, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. It seems like close friends are all embarking on various different paths - some are having kids, others are doubling down on doing their own startup / focusing on career while others are burnt out and just traveling or doing something completely different altogether. Which bucket do I fall under? I think I feel pretty secure in myself and my goals than to just 'crash out' and move to Thailand (which is cringe, btw). But, on the other hand, I do feel like I need to give myself the opportunity to strike out on my own and explore my ideas. In fact, I'm kind of happy that no one at ?? is exploring the ideas that I've turning over in the back of my mind.

In contrast,  I have a close friend at work, who's a very nice person, but I hate that he is always seeking validation from his manager about his work or gets overly happy when he receives positive feedback. I would like to think I've moved beyond that - I want to just do interesting/good work for the intrinsic sake of it. I'm not impressed by some of the productive "wagies" or "bootlickers" that I see here sometimes, it's disappointing to think that they are just working so hard to perhaps realize someone else's (ie. the CEO's) dream. But, maybe I'm just being overly bitter...

Oh, I guess the last thing I wanted to mention about work specifically is that the manager that hired me (and that I liked quite a bit) kind of got pushed out to another team. At first, I was pretty concerned/worried but now I feel strangely calm about it. I'm trying to just roll with the punches and not overthink about work - I want to do a good job but also don't want work to define me. If anything defines me, it should be the kind of "independent" or "creative" projects I can pursue afterwards. I know, it's easier said than done, but I have more than enough money to retire. So why am I afraid? If I read this post in 2-3 years from now and I'm not doing my own thing, then I'll be pretty disappointed in myself.

There's so much more to update in life but that's probably enough for this post. It seems like, as V said, things never just get busy in one area of your life in isolation. I've been getting a lot closer with the ?? badminton crew - culminating in a trip to Vancouver/Calgary/Banff/Jasper over the previous long weekend. Also, things with S are still quite complicated but I feel more ready to take the leap and maybe be in a real relationship with her? But then there's also ?? from badminton?? So I don't even know. These deserve their own posts - I have next week off so I hope I can take more time to reflect and get these thoughts out.

 

...and the Start of Something New

 A natural continuation from the last post. I think this one will be shorter though.

So, since about Oct/Nov last year, I've been interviewing for new jobs along with my co-worker ??. My ideal thing was to get into research, as that's always kind of been my dream though I was also considering doing my own startup with ??. To make a long story short, I got a research job at ?? but got rejected from research at ?? (which was my top choice as the area of research is very aligned with my interests). This definitely stung a little bit, because I got so close for the latter, even at the reference check stage. There wasn't really a great explanation for why I didn't get it, I suspect one of my references wasn't strong enough or I just didn't have the experience they were looking for (phd + multiple papers) - or both. Hopefully I can apply again to ?? in the future, there were some promising signs with the manager there.

Anyway, I should remember to be grateful, since even having 1 of these 2 opportunities is quite rare and probably something I don't even deserve. So I decided to accept the one at ??. I don't know how it'll turn out and I definitely have a lot of imposter syndrome before my first day tomorrow. I need to wake up at 7am ish but it's almost midnight here and I'm just blogging away frantically. I think it's important to record my thoughts in an unbiased way before I truly start.

Because it's been so long to start something new, I wanted to reflect back on a post from 2016 when I started my previous job. It's funny because, in my last post, I probably seemed very confident that ?? (my previous job) was the right place to be and it worked out so well. But I was definitely uncertain back in the day, as I said:

Well I guess it feels more real now. As I told desda today, I actually feel excited about something for the first time in a long time. I feel a sort of new energy here - the energy that comes with a new beginning and a clean slate. I feel motivated and I'm actually excited to go out and meet new people. I'm excited that my place seems really cool and that, despite her mood swings, that my mom is here to help me.

That being said some parts of it still don't feel real. There's times when I look out my window and think I'm still in Toronto and then it takes a second for my brain to process that I'm actually 2000 miles away. But, it's OK. There are times when I have an overwhelming feeling of existential dread when I think of Monday and my upcoming job and worry about why I didn't just choose to go to grad school and maybe this is all wrong.. But that's OK too.

There are times when I miss my friends in Windsor and Toronto but I realize that everyone has to move on. Even C is going off to university and you shouldn't stay in a place just expecting things will always be the same or because you are content there. My biggest hope is that I continue to grow and learn while I'm here.

Relative to this change, my upcoming job is not a big transition - I'm still living in the same place and the distance to work is relatively the same. I still am worried about if I'm doing the right thing - if my time would be better spent doing a startup or just writing. But, here I am. I'm worried if lightning won't strike twice - if my upcoming job won't be as fun or lucrative as my 9 year stint at ??. But maybe that's fine. I believe an important skill in life is understanding when something isn't working and having the agency to change it.

So, how exactly do I feel on the eve of starting something new? Excited, but scared. Worried that the WLB will be a grind and that I won't be as smart as my peers. Worried that I won't be able to maintain some of my existing hobbies like badminton, creative writing etc. Nonetheless, I should be optimistic about the work I'm doing and the chance to learn from some very smart people - just like I said back in 2016. Let me have the strength to take it for what it is and take away the good things from it while leaving the bad.

I hope also that it gives me the confidence and agency to eventually do my startup. I want to just do fundamental research on how to create intelligence and I hope this helps set me down this path. I hope the culture isn't toxic, while I'm not exactly looking for new friends, I hope I can build new relationships.

The End of an Era

 So, today I quit my job that I've been at for almost 9 years - it's been a wild ride but also a very rewarding one (both financially and social). However, when it came time to say goodbye, I realized that I had likely been here at least 1-2 years too long. This seems to be a common theme in my life, that I'll hold on to things for much longer than I should, just because they were once a good thing.

That being said, this is undoubtedly the best gig I've ever had (and maybe ever will have). In terms of culture and social life, it was really unmatched. I spent most of my 20's at ?? and honestly met some people I think I'll consider lifelong friends. I moved across the country (and even from a different one) and somehow had the courage to take a chance on something new.

The strangest part is that this whole journey started off because I was having a dinner with some undergrad friends, about 1 year after we graduated, and one of them highly recommended interviewing at ??. I didn't think much of it at the time, I had only heard of this company in passing. But I figured - why not take a chance? I had just gotten rejected from Google/Twitter/Meta etc. and was probably feeling quite depressed. I even messed up on one of the interviews but, somehow, ended up getting an offer. And, really, that changed the course of my life.

It's hard to understate the ramifications that some seemingly small choices can have in your overall life. If one interview had gone differently - maybe if I had just written one or two incorrect lines of code - then my whole life could have been different (and likely, much worse). The consequences of such seemingly little moments almost make things seem overwhelming at times when you try to analyze it. Maybe that's why people like S (my current gf...maybe) seem to believe so much in fate and that some things are just meant to be. It's simpler that way, though I'm not sure I believe it in myself - I think that everything that's possible to exist will exist (but this is a topic for another time). 

Anyway, the journey had a lot of ups and down but it was definitely the right place for me to thrive and grow as an engineer. I had autonomy but also felt supported by my peers/manager and somehow became like an "expert" in the small-ish domain I work in. I was able to go to conferences, complete a MS at my dream school and, as mentioned, make a tight-knit group of friends. 

Nonetheless, I think the pandemic changed most things. While I was happy to have the flexibility of remote work, it definitely made my motivation wane. In fact, for the past 2-3 years, I feel like I've been mostly just coasting (though others would say I'm working hard) while exploring other ideas. But now it's time to embark on a new adventure  - more details in my next blog post on that.

I had a lot of farewell parties this last week and realized that, as I said in the intro paragraph, that the culture that I loved so much just didn't really exist anymore with remote work. There wasn't any in-person gatherings and the work itself was just starting to get stale due to more politics (despite the fact that I got promoted multiple times). In fact, A and J mentioned that being back in the office was like a "time capsule" for a type of workplace that was long gone and would never return. The office might have looked the same, frozen in the amber, but we had all changed.

Anyway,  life is short and I realized that it was probably time to explore something new - but I only had the clarity that I should have done that at the point of finally leaving. Nonetheless, as ?? said, it still takes a lot of courage to leave what was essentially a seven figure job with good WLB. But, I believe that life isn't about just having an easy, consistent road and just "surviving". The point of life is to do strive to do something great and live up to your potential.

So, as I wrap up this chapter in my life, I am filled with a feeling of gratefulness. It was a great time for what it was, far better than I ever could have expected. But I need to remind myself to stay motivated, don't full into a lull just because things seem cushy - keep pushing outside of my comfort zone and exploring things that get me closer to my ultimate goal of discovering something about the world.

==

I wanted to also just take this chance to indulge and reflect a bit. I remember not feeling as emotional as I thought I should on my last day - but it seems like this is just a common theme in my life. I just walked out of the office as I had done hundreds of times before (with K) except this time I turned in my badge. Maybe I can't just grasp the importance of the situation until it really happens - or maybe I'm just an unemotional person by nature who wishes I could feel more. It seems like I've echoed this sentiment in past blog posts about moving in 2016:

Initially, I felt as if my reason for writing this blog was because I needed an emotional outlet after quitting my job and contemplating all the changes on the horizon. However, the reality is that I don't really feel emotional about it at all. In fact, like most large changes in life, it feels kind of surreal. It feels like I'm just on a vacation and that I'll be back to work in a few weeks or even days. I felt stupid when my dad asked me if I was excited about moving and I just shrugged in an ambiguous manner. For me, it's hard to feel excited about the prospective of something until I really get there and see how it is.

Maybe, at my core, I'm just the same person I was 9 years ago. Maybe it's just who I am and there's no point really changing it unless I'm unhappy with this characteristic. I even go further with my observations:

I think the root cause of my disappointment stems from the fact that I thought I'd be more emotional than I really am. Probably one of my flaws is that I'm not emotional enough and to compensate for that I try to inject emotions into situations that I THINK should be emotional instead of letting them arise naturally (like they did in situations related to ???). I suppose there's other explanations about why I don't feel that sad/emotional about leaving too - the most prominent one being that I was just tired of being there so it's almost like a relief. 

I also chastise myself for sitting on the fence and not taking action. While my situation nowadays isn't as similar (because I wasn't actively unhappy), I need to remember to be re-assessing my life and be honest with myself about if I'm on a trajectory that is leading me to where I want to go. At the end of the day, I'm the only one who has to walk in my shoes.

In retrospect, it would have been better to not sit on the fence. I think the whole crux of what I did incorrectly was not taking enough initiative. When you are feeling unhappy or apathetic about your job for a long enough period of time then the onus is really on you to change it (this is probably true about most situations in life). The flaw in my thinking was that I thought by just going with the flow that things would somehow get better - but if you never try to change direction you'll always just get swept away by the current (wao such analogy). What I'm saying is that as soon as I really realized there was an issue in how I felt about my current role I should have DONE something - whether it was seriously consider internal transfers, apply more aggressively for jobs or just quit and go back to school. I shouldn't have sat on the fence and essentially not make much progress for 7-8 months.

Lastly, I want to end with some thoughts that I echoed before (it's nice to see I'm consistent in this way), in that it's not worth grinding unless you're doing something truly interesting. I would rather work 60 hours a week on something I'm passionate about than be a 9-5 NPC who just goes to the bar after work.

....but I also don't think it's worth spending your time on something you aren't driven to do or that's helping you reach where you want to be. I know some, maybe even most, individuals are fine with having satisfactory performance on a 9-5 job and then spending their leisure time at a bar/gym or whatever. But I've never really been a part of that school of thought. I believe that if you're going to do something for 40+ hours a week then it had better damn well be interesting to you or develop your skills in some way. Maybe that's idealistic especially since most jobs tend to get mundane or only train you for a specific role but that's why you need to "Keep looking, don't settle" (as Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement speech).

That's all for now. Here's to a future and a new role that I hope I can be proud of.

==

That's it for the post. Here's an assortment of memories from each year for bookkeeping purposes (but it's probably not that useful to anyone but me...):

2016 - moved to ??, nervous about starting job. Met ?? at work and launched first experiments about location stuff

2017 - Applied to do MS at ??, thought about leaving to go to more research oriented company. Asked ?? out and got rejected which felt cringe but whatever

2018 - Probably stressful with work and school, but made some successful experiments and helped ?? write the first paper. Got promo

2019 - Ventured out and explored more research on my own - launched E and was the first successful demonstration of that type of ML model at the company.

2020 - Wrote paper about E and covid hit, but got promo again. Layoffs and IPO (emotional rollercoaster for sure)

2021 - F leaves and nothing much happens, mostly coasting and thinking about post-covid life. Graduate from ?? and start doing research with ??

2022 - Start working on Shead experiments and they seem to be promising

2023 - Continue working on Shead experiments and getting more interested in work again

2024 - Apply for final promo and get rejected. Start applying for other jobs and thinking about what's next

2025 - Write Shead paper + blog post. Leave after bonus.

It feels weird to condense 9 years of life into a few short sentences on a page - but how else can I distill these years into what they truly represent? In the next post, I'll go back actually reflect more before starting on my latest journey.