So, today I quit my job that I've been at for almost 9 years - it's been a wild ride but also a very rewarding one (both financially and social). However, when it came time to say goodbye, I realized that I had likely been here at least 1-2 years too long. This seems to be a common theme in my life, that I'll hold on to things for much longer than I should, just because they were once a good thing.
That being said, this is undoubtedly the best gig I've ever had (and maybe ever will have). In terms of culture and social life, it was really unmatched. I spent most of my 20's at ?? and honestly met some people I think I'll consider lifelong friends. I moved across the country (and even from a different one) and somehow had the courage to take a chance on something new.
The strangest part is that this whole journey started off because I was having a dinner with some undergrad friends, about 1 year after we graduated, and one of them highly recommended interviewing at ??. I didn't think much of it at the time, I had only heard of this company in passing. But I figured - why not take a chance? I had just gotten rejected from Google/Twitter/Meta etc. and was probably feeling quite depressed. I even messed up on one of the interviews but, somehow, ended up getting an offer. And, really, that changed the course of my life.
It's hard to understate the ramifications that some seemingly small choices can have in your overall life. If one interview had gone differently - maybe if I had just written one or two incorrect lines of code - then my whole life could have been different (and likely, much worse). The consequences of such seemingly little moments almost make things seem overwhelming at times when you try to analyze it. Maybe that's why people like S (my current gf...maybe) seem to believe so much in fate and that some things are just meant to be. It's simpler that way, though I'm not sure I believe it in myself - I think that everything that's possible to exist will exist (but this is a topic for another time).
Anyway, the journey had a lot of ups and down but it was definitely the right place for me to thrive and grow as an engineer. I had autonomy but also felt supported by my peers/manager and somehow became like an "expert" in the small-ish domain I work in. I was able to go to conferences, complete a MS at my dream school and, as mentioned, make a tight-knit group of friends.
Nonetheless, I think the pandemic changed most things. While I was happy to have the flexibility of remote work, it definitely made my motivation wane. In fact, for the past 2-3 years, I feel like I've been mostly just coasting (though others would say I'm working hard) while exploring other ideas. But now it's time to embark on a new adventure - more details in my next blog post on that.
I had a lot of farewell parties this last week and realized that, as I said in the intro paragraph, that the culture that I loved so much just didn't really exist anymore with remote work. There wasn't any in-person gatherings and the work itself was just starting to get stale due to more politics (despite the fact that I got promoted multiple times). In fact, A and J mentioned that being back in the office was like a "time capsule" for a type of workplace that was long gone and would never return. The office might have looked the same, frozen in the amber, but we had all changed.
Anyway, life is short and I realized that it was probably time to explore something new - but I only had the clarity that I should have done that at the point of finally leaving. Nonetheless, as ?? said, it still takes a lot of courage to leave what was essentially a seven figure job with good WLB. But, I believe that life isn't about just having an easy, consistent road and just "surviving". The point of life is to do strive to do something great and live up to your potential.
So, as I wrap up this chapter in my life, I am filled with a feeling of gratefulness. It was a great time for what it was, far better than I ever could have expected. But I need to remind myself to stay motivated, don't full into a lull just because things seem cushy - keep pushing outside of my comfort zone and exploring things that get me closer to my ultimate goal of discovering something about the world.
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I wanted to also just take this chance to indulge and reflect a bit. I remember not feeling as emotional as I thought I should on my last day - but it seems like this is just a common theme in my life. I just walked out of the office as I had done hundreds of times before (with K) except this time I turned in my badge. Maybe I can't just grasp the importance of the situation until it really happens - or maybe I'm just an unemotional person by nature who wishes I could feel more. It seems like I've echoed this sentiment in past blog posts about moving in 2016:
Initially, I felt as if my reason for writing this blog was because I needed an emotional outlet after quitting my job and contemplating all the changes on the horizon. However, the reality is that I don't really feel emotional about it at all. In fact, like most large changes in life, it feels kind of surreal. It feels like I'm just on a vacation and that I'll be back to work in a few weeks or even days. I felt stupid when my dad asked me if I was excited about moving and I just shrugged in an ambiguous manner. For me, it's hard to feel excited about the prospective of something until I really get there and see how it is.
Maybe, at my core, I'm just the same person I was 9 years ago. Maybe it's just who I am and there's no point really changing it unless I'm unhappy with this characteristic. I even go further with my observations:
I think the root cause of my disappointment stems from the fact that I thought I'd be more emotional than I really am. Probably one of my flaws is that I'm not emotional enough and to compensate for that I try to inject emotions into situations that I THINK should be emotional instead of letting them arise naturally (like they did in situations related to ???). I suppose there's other explanations about why I don't feel that sad/emotional about leaving too - the most prominent one being that I was just tired of being there so it's almost like a relief.
I also chastise myself for sitting on the fence and not taking action. While my situation nowadays isn't as similar (because I wasn't actively unhappy), I need to remember to be re-assessing my life and be honest with myself about if I'm on a trajectory that is leading me to where I want to go. At the end of the day, I'm the only one who has to walk in my shoes.
In retrospect, it would have been better to not sit on the fence. I think the whole crux of what I did incorrectly was not taking enough initiative. When you are feeling unhappy or apathetic about your job for a long enough period of time then the onus is really on you to change it (this is probably true about most situations in life). The flaw in my thinking was that I thought by just going with the flow that things would somehow get better - but if you never try to change direction you'll always just get swept away by the current (wao such analogy). What I'm saying is that as soon as I really realized there was an issue in how I felt about my current role I should have DONE something - whether it was seriously consider internal transfers, apply more aggressively for jobs or just quit and go back to school. I shouldn't have sat on the fence and essentially not make much progress for 7-8 months.
Lastly, I want to end with some thoughts that I echoed before (it's nice to see I'm consistent in this way), in that it's not worth grinding unless you're doing something truly interesting. I would rather work 60 hours a week on something I'm passionate about than be a 9-5 NPC who just goes to the bar after work.
....but I also don't think it's worth spending your time on something you aren't driven to do or that's helping you reach where you want to be. I know some, maybe even most, individuals are fine with having satisfactory performance on a 9-5 job and then spending their leisure time at a bar/gym or whatever. But I've never really been a part of that school of thought. I believe that if you're going to do something for 40+ hours a week then it had better damn well be interesting to you or develop your skills in some way. Maybe that's idealistic especially since most jobs tend to get mundane or only train you for a specific role but that's why you need to "Keep looking, don't settle" (as Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement speech).
That's all for now. Here's to a future and a new role that I hope I can be proud of.
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That's it for the post. Here's an assortment of memories from each year for bookkeeping purposes (but it's probably not that useful to anyone but me...):
2016 - moved to ??, nervous about starting job. Met ?? at work and launched first experiments about location stuff
2017 - Applied to do MS at ??, thought about leaving to go to more research oriented company. Asked ?? out and got rejected which felt cringe but whatever
2018 - Probably stressful with work and school, but made some successful experiments and helped ?? write the first paper. Got promo
2019 - Ventured out and explored more research on my own - launched E and was the first successful demonstration of that type of ML model at the company.
2020 - Wrote paper about E and covid hit, but got promo again. Layoffs and IPO (emotional rollercoaster for sure)
2021 - F leaves and nothing much happens, mostly coasting and thinking about post-covid life. Graduate from ?? and start doing research with ??
2022 - Start working on Shead experiments and they seem to be promising
2023 - Continue working on Shead experiments and getting more interested in work again
2024 - Apply for final promo and get rejected. Start applying for other jobs and thinking about what's next
2025 - Write Shead paper + blog post. Leave after bonus.
It feels weird to condense 9 years of life into a few short sentences on a page - but how else can I distill these years into what they truly represent? In the next post, I'll go back actually reflect more before starting on my latest journey.