Post-Launch Thoughts

So, it's been quite hectic since I got back about a month ago but there's a bit of reprieve for now so I have time to blog again. 

In terms of work,  I was able to successfully contribute to the launch of a major AI model which I suppose was cool. I can't deny that it feels exciting to work on something that has the attention of so many people online even if didn't really live up to the colossal expectations people had for it. It also feels a bit less magical to me now that I know how the "sausage" is made and it is kind of funny to see all the wrong takes people have about how the model was trained on Twitter/LinkedIn for example.

Anyway, the weeks leading up the launch were pretty stressful - a lot of 1am nights in the office though, at the time, I didn't really mind so much. In fact, I felt a sense of camaraderie because other folks were working very hard as well. I'm also grateful that leadership recognized that we were working pretty hard and gave us a week off to relax (it's Saturday night at 3am here and I have one more day before I go back again...).

I am a bit concerned about my overall performance at work, I guess I have my first official review sometime in the next few weeks. Also slightly concerned about what to work on next - as I said in a previous post, I really don't want to just keep being a wagie though. Hopefully I can just do this until next spring/summer and then pursue my own startup or independent research full-time. I think I need to take initiative to build out the life I want to live instead of just being swept away by the current. That being said, I'm not particularly unhappy right now or anything - it is a good time to be at an AI company and perhaps this can make me even more financial secure in the future. At any rate, I think it's an interesting experience to literally be working to build the technology that is probably the hottest thing in the world right now. And I do believe that, in a fundamental sense, life is about collecting experiences.

I was feeling a bit hard on myself during these 4-5 days off about being "swept in the current" because I didnt really accomplish much. I just went to the gym, hungout with friends (drank with K/A/J and M until 3am and did karaoke) and then played pickleball. While it was undoubtedly fun, there was a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I should have been spending my time more wisely. What about finishing my HS novella? What about writing in general? What about watching more lectures about diffusion models? 

But perhaps this idea of always optimizing your time is just a trap. Maybe I did need some time to just reset and not do anything intellectual. Though my ideal life is probably one where I don't feel burnt out just doing research because I'm genuinely interested in it - and can just keep pursuing that. On the other hand, I dont want to be like our other unemployed friend M, whose life seems far too aimless - she just wakes up at 2pm every day and just has dinner / hangs out with friends with no real overall goal. I don't want to be like that, I'd rather steer more in the opposite direction (grinding too hard and over optimizing my time) but I should recognize that a happy medium exists.

Anyway, I think that's it for the work front. My takeaway is probably to continue with writing even if I don't feel motivated because it should be a "different" kind of creativity (ie. than research at work) and I think I'm just being lazy. I owe to my past selves to put in an effort to finish this novella and try to get it out into the world - especially because I do end up enjoying writing once I make the effort to start doing it.

On the relationship side, I thought I'd spend more time with S during the break but the day we were going to hangout her mom ended up having a minor stroke and she was in the ER with her. I was surprised how tender I felt about this, for the first time, I would have liked to go to the hospital and be there to support her/her family even though I didn't. I did genuinely pray for her mom to get better though and I told her that. Idk, it's a weird feeling, but it's one of the rare times I felt like I wanted to be part of her family and support her on a deeper level. Maybe this means I really do care more than I think? I guess it was also a green flag for me to see that she takes responsibility for her parents and cares about them (at least her mom).

But, I've also been spending a lot of time with K and A lately. I invited K to work badminton events and we went to multiple concerts over the past several weeks (Lady Gaga and then Keshi). I'm really grateful to have met her and A, because I feel like they've pushed me to do these new experiences (like the west coast trip and going to concerts) that I would not have otherwise. I feel like this is the first time since post-COVID where I'm really doing a lot of new things from a social POV and having fun as well.

The (baby) elephant in the room is if I like K as more than a friend though? She's much younger than me (probably like 6 years) which is a bit strange and also I do feel like she's at a different stage in life (phd student). Nonetheless, we do joke about eventually ending up in Boston together and I feel that if I was also younger and in academia (the dream is if I was doing my PhD at Stanford and met her) then she'd be near perfect for me. We've never really talked about (our own) relationships whether in the past or current, maybe it's something I should bring up anyway (with A also) if I really want to get closer to her. It is a bit strange that we seem like such "close" friends but don't talk about our own relationships - maybe that's just the Gen Z mentality of not caring that much about sex/relationships but I'm not sure. Anyway...things to think about in the future.

I think that's all for now! Tomorrow is the VC barbecue with C so I'm curious to see how that goes. I'm a bit worried about work but hopefully it'll be fine and I can survive these next 6 months while still learning things that will be useful for my startup / research later on. Along with being more directed with my time with regards to writing / going to the gym even. Is life really just a wheel that keeps turning indefinitely? Is control just an illusion...?