So, its my final semester in my final year (I hope?) of undergrad. I have a plethora of work to do actually but yet I wanted to really take some time out of my day and blog. To be fair, this semester has been much more relaxed than most and I usually find myself playing games/sports and in general doing more leisurely activities than I have in any other semester. Though, that's not to say the workload isn't comparable...
Anyway, the point of this post was to again, briefly mention that I'm feeling somewhat lost. This last semester could potentially mark the entire of life that is pretty much all that I've known. I'm talking about, of course, as being a student. The truth is, I'm not really sure what I want to do after I graduate or what really interests me. Sometimes, its's hard to tell if its fear or just legitimate uninterested in a topic that's holding me back. For example, I'm somewhat reluctant to go to grad school because I'm afraid it'll be too hard for me to understand the concepts and I feel like this leads me to feel like I'm not interested in it. But its hard to decouple these two emotions - is this fear of inadequacy leading me to feel like I'm interested in grad school or...am I legit just not interested in learning more?
To be honest, I really do love learning and I think that I wouldn't mind continuing to learn. I guess I should not to choose to forgo a future path just because I'm scared of failure - nothing worth doing is ever easy. The other option, of course, would be to get a job. However, in this respect, it's hard enough to find a job nowadays let alone a /good/ job that I like. But, the only jobs I really want to get, I realize, are not jobs I am legitimately interested in doing but more because I think those jobs are very "renowned". So maybe, I just need to do some soul searching for what I really want. Nonetheless, I still have this kind of confidence that something will work out for me...and that I'll see the right path soon enough.
The last thing I wanted to mention (which was supposed to be the real point of this post) is that how I feel like people are all hypocrites and judgmental except when it comes to themselves. Recently, a friend who I didn't think was that smart got a rather prestigious job and I was kind of annoyed because IMO it seemed like she didn't really deserve it. Nonetheless, I always tell this friend how smart she is, and even though she doesn't get the highest marks because I do think she has genuine talent but just can't manage her time. However, I feel kind of (ie. very) annoyed that she received such a lucrative offer when it kind of went against all the positive things I had been telling her. In this sense, I feel kind of sickened by myself. Why do I say things if I don't really believe them? I SHOULD be happy for her.
The really hypocritical part is that usually people are annoyed or look down on inferior people who received awards they think we don't deserve but yet if someone was to offer me a prestigious job that I was "below" I would be delighted to have such a chance to prove myself. But yet, this makes me a huge hypocrite. By the same logic, I should be delighted that this friend received an offer also since it is as if she is getting a chance to prove herself.
Anyway, the point is, I really need to change and be more objective. Humans are composed of a great deal of "bad" (not that bad and good really exist) qualities such as natural competition and jealously, but I need to look beyond that. I need to think of everyone as a human being just like with hopes and dreams.
Also, as my other friend mentioned a few days ago, you can't go through life constantly comparing yourself to others. I think real happiness comes from the knowledge that you've surpassed the own limits that you've set down for yourself and these limits can vary for anyone. Maybe, for a handicapped individual, walking across the room is a big deal, but for me its...an everyday experience. In that respect, people need to remind themselves of this notion of scope and how it differs from person to person.
Same goes for me. I need to find my own path and set down and achieve my own goals. It kind of reminds me of the GRE exam where for the multiple choice questions, the only way to succeed is to have an original answer in mind BEFORE you read the multiple choice answers and get confused. In this sense, I believe in my own life I need to have my own answer and my own path in mind since if I look at everyone else's paths (i.e. answers) I'll just get confused and sidetracked. I need to figure out what I want to do and I need to measure my success in a more meaningful way irrespective of others.
Anyway, the point is...I need to not be selfish.
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