2017 Reflections: Part I

I've been noticing a pattern emerge in the last 5 or so years of my life so far. Usually there's one year of intense change followed by another year which is mainly characterized by "adjusting" or you could even call it "coasting". For example, in 2014 I graduated from college and started the transition into real "adult" life - moving downtown and getting my own place along with going to work every day. However, 2015 was mostly marked by just developing new relationships and pursuing hobbies I had been interested in for a while (started going to the Y and playing badminton again).

Similarly, it seems 2016 and 2017 have also followed this pattern. 2016 was when I first moved to SF and I felt as if the whole second half of the year was mostly just me adjusting to being in a new place along with a new work environment and what not. In comparison, 2017 seems pretty tame. In fact, if it wasn't for starting graduate school part time in the second half of the year I would go so far as to say it was probably one of the least eventful years I've had in recent memory.

I don't mean to suggest that I'm sad or annoyed that 2017 seemed largely uneventful compared to 2016. I think it was nice to just surrender to the typical ebbs and flows of working life and while slowly beginning to think about what I wanted in the future. I'm going to try and re-iterate what I think are the main events and changes that happened this year and then hopefully have another post later about what I want to accomplish in 2018.

I remember the year starting off in a pretty relaxed fashion mainly cause of our company wide conference which meant work was not really a priority for January. At the same time, I got rejected for a research job I thought was really cool (in fact I would get rejected from another cool job later on too) so maybe that was just foreshadowing the fact that no real "big" changes would occur in 2017. Though, in retrospect, I did get an offer for a job in New York that I could have moved to if I wanted.

Other than that, the first half of the year was marked by work being quite busy trying to get the new location system out along with trying to spend more time with Hg. Looking back on my messages with Dez now, I see I was talking about hg as early as the beginning of March. Of course, this all culminated in her leaving and some awkward conversations about feelings/relationships. But I don't want to get into that now since I've already written about it before. I'm just making a note of it here since Hg was pretty much a large portion of my emotional investment throughout the whole year, especially the earlier half. To be honest though, I feel that I was more mature about Hg that I have been about other girls I've was crushing on in the past. On the surface, I wasn't clingy and we didn't really talk that much - I was able to put her out of my mind when I needed to seriously get work done. Another thing worth mentioning is that D came to visit me in SF which was nice and, even though I was annoyed at times, I remember feeling kind of sad/lonely when she left which is rare for me.

One thing that did change in 2017 was that I decided to attend graduate school part time starting in September. As I've told a few close friends, I'm not sure what the actual benefits will be or how much it all matters but I think, ultimately, going to grad school is something I needed to prove to myself that I could do. Overall, I'm glad that I got the "new" experience of graduate school as it was one of the few "new" experiences I was able to try out in 2017 and something that's been nagging at me for a long time.

Another interesting event was labour day trip with high school friends. While it was fun (as hanging out with that group usually is) it also reinforced the notion that the passage of time has pretty much deteriorated whatever special "bond" I thought I had with my larger group of high school friends. By that  I mean that, while it was fun, it didn't really seem that unique compared to, say, a cottaging trip with some other high school friends. One thing I want to focus on in the new year is trying to only cultivate relationships with people that I believe are really important and/or will improve my life in a positive way. That might mean burning some bridges or "ghosting" some people but I think it's necessary as there's only a limited amount of time we can spend on social interactions and I want to do my best to make sure it's meaningful. (Note: I realize that I wrote about wanting to do the same thing in my 2016 year end post...but I really need to get serious about it now. I think it's even something other high school people, such as J, are starting to realize now too). 

Upon writing everything down now, I do feel a sense of disappointment when I think of 2017. At least from an emotional point of view I wasn't really able to meet any new people that I connected with (though I have to say I'm proud of myself for handling the whole situation with Hg). From a "goals progression" kind of view at least I was able to start graduate school which is something I've had in the back of my mind for a long time which is great. However, my more creative/personal goals had kind of fallen to the wayside in the sense that I barely made any headway on hobbies such as writing a novel or working on a Artificial Intelligence side project (but I did get a project done through school so there's that...)

I guess what really bothers me is when I see "goals" that I've written down in several year-end reflection posts now. Things such as writing a novel or talking to less high school friends. As I mentioned earlier, I think I either really need to take these things seriously or just determine that I was wrong and they aren't really worth the effort. I don't like the feeling of continuously adding items/goals to a list every year only to have made little progress towards them. If they aren't important enough for me to make progress towards then I feel like they are either poorly constructed goals or something else must have come up during the year for me to focus on. However, in 2017 it doesn't really seem like anything else came up for me to focus on so I'm honestly starting to think it's the former. Or maybe I was just being lazy in 2017 and got caught up in a "normal" life schedule. Maybe I need to just constantly remind myself to keep pushing forwards and making progress towards my goals. 

Looking Forward to 2017

I suppose there's nothing inherently special about the new year except for the fact that society deems that it is important. Some might say it's just a pointless delineation between the old and the new but I think it's valuable to have some sense of a new beginning even if it's artificial. It helps give us time to reflect on what's really happened in the past 365 days and chart out a course for the future. At least, that's what I hope to achieve in this post.

Overall, 2016 seemed like a year of transitions for me. In comparison, when I think back I realize that 2015 seemed a lot more stagnant - mostly just working, sort of learning new skills and meeting a few new people. But a lot of changes happened in 2016 - from moving away for a new job and forming a variety of (hopefully) genuine connections with new people I think that 2016 is probably the year with the most changes since I've graduated from university. It's also important to note not just in regards to traditional changes such as a new job or city but even with regards to new sexual and relationship experiences. I mention this only because it was such a change from 2015 and because they weren't all positive but I guess it also helped me learn more about myself, the kind of person I am (including things I am not proud of - such as all that happened or didn't happen with Y) and what I want to focus on.

But, I think all the changes in 2016 made it difficult for me to really focus and work on developing skills and pursuing other hobbies. The work and tasks required with moving to a new city and starting a new job and applying to grad school again kept me pretty busy for the second half of the year. In the first half of the year, it was mostly interviewing and other preparation for the move. Though I did have some really nice moments before I left Toronto in terms of social experiences. It was as if I was barely able to keep my head above water so I didn't really have time to think and reflect on what I personally wanted to do.

One of the most important insights I've gained from moving away is just how much of a bubble I was in with regards to my current group of "close" friends. There were really two types of people I was close with before - either old friends from high school who had the same type of upbringing as me or friends I met in Toronto who were fun to hangout with but not really ambitious at all or successful in any "traditional" sense. Moving to SF introduced me to a whole different kind of a culture where people (in general) were constantly motivated, thirsty for knowledge and often wondering about how they could really achieve success (such as by making a startup, writing a novel or working a programming project). Also, these people were probably even more "successful" (in the traditional sense) than most of my high school friends as they went to top tier schools and had internships at prestigious companies and what not.  In turn, this motivated me as well to get back into pursuing my goals/new hobbies instead of just spending time on leisurely activities and that's definitely something I started doing near the end of 2016. Nonetheless, that's not to say I like the people in SF more - while they may be more motivating I find that they aren't as "fun" to hangout with probably because it just doesn't feel as carefree.

Continuing from the previous point, I just realize that I want to make an effort to surround myself with different people this year. The people that you are close with have a huge impact on how you live your life and I realize that most of my close friends right now aren't really ambitious or just seem very "traditional". They are either content with their somewhat mediocre lives (and only care about doing the bare minimum to get by) or are "successful" but only in shallow traditional types of ways such as by having a high-paying job, having a bf/gf which makes them appear to be "settling" (or of the same social class) or by going to graduate/professional school because they don't see any other path for themselves. To be fair, I think all of them are 'good' people or else I wouldn't be friends with them but for my own growth I think I need to start cutting back on some of these relationships and trying to open up room for new ones to grow. It might be a painful process and I'll probably even feel lonely but I think deep down I know it's necessary in some sense. I've always known that one of my major flaws is holding onto the past for too long even when it might no longer be relevant/optimal.

Even when I spent some time with old high school friends such as our cottage trip or even just being home over the holiday break it felt like something had changed (with most of them, anyway). It was just as if that feeling of comfort wasn't there anymore and if we were more like acquaintances. If that's the case then I guess it's only logical to spend less of my time on the people whom I believe I no longer connect with and instead focus on maintaining relationships with those who I still feel a genuine bond with.

In terms of skills, concretely, I want to focus more on learning more about Artificial Intelligence and finish writing the novel I've been working on. It sounds silly but I think it's fate that I randomly saw Z again in a cafe when I was back home as it helped remind me that I need to start writing again and finish what I started. We'll see how grad school works out too and that might also be a serious consideration for 2017.

In conclusion, if 2016 was a year of change then I want 2017 to be a year of drilling down and focusing on what I want. I'm optimistic that I'm in a setting/city with a lot of opportunities waiting to be explored so I don't want to be held back too much by the past and rather go ahead and pursue some new endeavors.