This happened about a month ago now, but I figured it's something I should mention since I was thinking about it for a while. I found out randomly from another friend that A, someone I knew in passing from badminton, passed away suddenly when he collapsed during a game - due to a pre-existing heart condition that he did not know about.
My first reaction was kind of one of shock and disbelief. I wasn't really close friends with A, but we saw each other occasionally at the club and he always had a "genuine/friendly" personality to him. We would chat about surface level things - like how work was going, travel and, of course, badminton. But he always was willing to chat and play, even though he was far above my skill level.
It just got me thinking about how abrupt and cruel life can be. There's really no rhyme or reason to why I'm alive and others are dead (in most cases). It also feels strange to think that I'll just never see him again randomly when I go to ?? to play, he's just gone forever or, at the very least, has gone to a place that none of us can reach from where we are now.
I'm not sure what the point of life is but I guess suffering is an essential component of it. I recently read the final post of a man who had passed away from cancer after struggling for years while trying to obtain experimental treatments to prolong his life. He seemed upset at the end, that medicine didn't move fast enough or there were too many rules in place and he wasn't able to try a certain drug or treatment in time. However, some random commenter made a post that I found very insightful though the "normies" disliked it:
Suffering only ends with death. And the promise of resurrection and eternal bliss. Cancer has killed my closest relatives and friends, young and old alike. I'm not sure which is worse: dying by cancer when young and before a long life of suffering or dying by cancer when old after a lifetime of suffering, cancer is such a cruel way to end one's long journey through this life. Are the lucky ones those who die young? I recently lost a life-long friend, whose positively belied a lifetime of suffering - suffering as a child when he was nearly burned to death, suffering as a young adult after getting hepatitis from eating shellfish causing permanent liver damage. And through it all he was the johnny appleseed who sought out the suffering to spread good cheer and never ending positivity.
But to [redacted] it's the FDA's fault, if only the FDA could allow drug makers the freedom to choose, then no more suffering. I suffer emotionally from the loss throughout my life of so many close friends and relatives from the scourge of cancer. The FDA didn't cause it and the FDA can't fix it. Suffering are us. The very idea that suffering can be cured is preposterous.
Essentially, the point being that suffering and our inevitable death is just a part of life. You can't "cure" suffering with experimental drugs - we're all going to have to face the end at some point. So this guy was "wrong" in some sense to care so much about trying to "survive" and instead of blaming certain institutions (like the FDA or whatever), should have sough other ways to come to terms with his impending death. Even if we can upload our minds, or merge with AI or any other far-fetched sci-fi scheme, there's going to be an end. The only way out of this is if our life is just some mathematical object that exists "permanently" and we're doomed to just keep experiencing it again and again. But perhaps that's a story for another time.
Anyway, I digress. I think the point I'm trying to make is that as I get older, I'm going to have to face a lot of people close to me dying - in both expected and unexpected ways. I guess I've always known that. But A's death (and the dude's blog post about cancer) has also made me think about my personal feelings about my own death and how things might end.
When my end comes, I don't want to be pleading or searching for some way out. I don't want to be frantically trying to buy some experimental drug to extend my life by 1-2 years. I want to accept life and death as they are, I think that's perhaps the only true way to "beat" the system that we've been born into. I think it's hard though - not sure that many people can say they have truly come to terms with their death (especially as it gets closer) especially if you aren't religious. I think I have heard religious people seem to be truly OK with death because they genuinely believe that it's just the next step in God's plan - but I feel like that's kind of just kicking the can down the road. There likely must still be an end, even if it's in heaven or whatever - but they haven't really considered that. Either way, it's sort of a moot point as I'm not religious enough to have that explanation solve the problem for me.
I've always respected my parents for not wanting to prolong their lives too much or take a bunch of medicine/pills/chemo just to stay alive though I suspect my siblings don't see it that way. My parents recognize that they should be thankful for having the opportunities to live as long as they did and raise a pretty decent family. But if you prolong it, if you started being greedy and wanting to stay alive longer, then I feel like it's just digging yourself into a psychological hole.
I'm not sure why I exist or why any of this does. I'll likely never know, but I hope those questions can be answered some day. But when my death does come, I hope I am able to face it with dignity and on my own terms.
I've also strayed somewhat far from the topic of A's death so I want to return to that before concluding. I messaged his girlfriend with my condolences which felt awkward but she said she did appreciate it. He seemed like a nice person and he clearly didn't deserve to die like this but I suppose none of us "deserve" anything in this life - as Jay (professor) said maybe we really are just a result of some random chemical processes. If that's the case - how can any of us really demand or act like a certain type of "life" (free of disease and always being healthy) is owed to us to begin with? It just seems ridiculous and entitled to even think that way.
Rest in peace, A - you will be missed, my friend.
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