A natural continuation from the last post. I think this one will be shorter though.
So, since about Oct/Nov last year, I've been interviewing for new jobs along with my co-worker ??. My ideal thing was to get into research, as that's always kind of been my dream though I was also considering doing my own startup with ??. To make a long story short, I got a research job at ?? but got rejected from research at ?? (which was my top choice as the area of research is very aligned with my interests). This definitely stung a little bit, because I got so close for the latter, even at the reference check stage. There wasn't really a great explanation for why I didn't get it, I suspect one of my references wasn't strong enough or I just didn't have the experience they were looking for (phd + multiple papers) - or both. Hopefully I can apply again to ?? in the future, there were some promising signs with the manager there.
Anyway, I should remember to be grateful, since even having 1 of these 2 opportunities is quite rare and probably something I don't even deserve. So I decided to accept the one at ??. I don't know how it'll turn out and I definitely have a lot of imposter syndrome before my first day tomorrow. I need to wake up at 7am ish but it's almost midnight here and I'm just blogging away frantically. I think it's important to record my thoughts in an unbiased way before I truly start.
Because it's been so long to start something new, I wanted to reflect back on a post from 2016 when I started my previous job. It's funny because, in my last post, I probably seemed very confident that ?? (my previous job) was the right place to be and it worked out so well. But I was definitely uncertain back in the day, as I said:
Well I guess it feels more real now. As I told desda today, I actually feel excited about something for the first time in a long time. I feel a sort of new energy here - the energy that comes with a new beginning and a clean slate. I feel motivated and I'm actually excited to go out and meet new people. I'm excited that my place seems really cool and that, despite her mood swings, that my mom is here to help me.
That being said some parts of it still don't feel real. There's times when I look out my window and think I'm still in Toronto and then it takes a second for my brain to process that I'm actually 2000 miles away. But, it's OK. There are times when I have an overwhelming feeling of existential dread when I think of Monday and my upcoming job and worry about why I didn't just choose to go to grad school and maybe this is all wrong.. But that's OK too.
There are times when I miss my friends in Windsor and Toronto but I realize that everyone has to move on. Even C is going off to university and you shouldn't stay in a place just expecting things will always be the same or because you are content there. My biggest hope is that I continue to grow and learn while I'm here.
Relative to this change, my upcoming job is not a big transition - I'm still living in the same place and the distance to work is relatively the same. I still am worried about if I'm doing the right thing - if my time would be better spent doing a startup or just writing. But, here I am. I'm worried if lightning won't strike twice - if my upcoming job won't be as fun or lucrative as my 9 year stint at ??. But maybe that's fine. I believe an important skill in life is understanding when something isn't working and having the agency to change it.
So, how exactly do I feel on the eve of starting something new? Excited, but scared. Worried that the WLB will be a grind and that I won't be as smart as my peers. Worried that I won't be able to maintain some of my existing hobbies like badminton, creative writing etc. Nonetheless, I should be optimistic about the work I'm doing and the chance to learn from some very smart people - just like I said back in 2016. Let me have the strength to take it for what it is and take away the good things from it while leaving the bad.
I hope also that it gives me the confidence and agency to eventually do my startup. I want to just do fundamental research on how to create intelligence and I hope this helps set me down this path. I hope the culture isn't toxic, while I'm not exactly looking for new friends, I hope I can build new relationships.
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