Why does anything exist at all?

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Now for a much more metaphysical and abstract blog post about a question that's been in the back of my mind for a long time. I’ve spend a somewhat embarrassing amount of time wondering why the universe exists. Why do conscious beings exist? Who created the universe ? What came before the universe?

Of course, I realize that questions such as “who created the universe, or what came before the universe” might have no meaning in the sense that they are “outside” of time or just that boundary conditions don’t need to be defined. I guess what I wanted to talk more about in the post is that…there’s really no answer that would satisfy me. Even if the answer is god/alien race created us or like we’re just a simulation experiment for some alien race…would that change how I live my life? Would that change what anyone does? We have freedom of thought (or so we think) and we’re conscious beings…we seem to have the right to decide on our own purpose.

In some ways, I think this need for an answer just reveals my own insecurities rather than just my own smug intellectual curiosity. I want to be told what my/our collective purpose was so that I don’t need to seek it out for myself. But there’s not really any answer that could ever satisfy me? Let’s say, I found out we were a simulation created by some alien race. So what? I still only know the confines in which I live/exist…I guess it’s weird because maybe just the act of knowing such a thing (that we live in a simulation) would require me to break out of this mould of thinking so it’s impossible to say.

Anyway, it still begs the question of why would an alien race exist at all? Which goes back to the ultimate question of why does “anything” (ie. conscious beings) exist at all? Obviously, if we did not, then no one would be answer to observe it and ask this question (anthropomorphic principle or whatever). But maybe another satisfying answer is really that we aren’t lucky/special and rather everything exists – all possible configurations and most are just dead/empty universes (multiverse theory). It’s still weird though…it’s like I need an answer for why existence exists. I’m sure there must be an answer, even if it’s outside the scope of human understanding…but it’s like the reason I want an answer is just to know how to live my life. But it doesn’t matter. I need to live on my own terms and make the best of what I have. But I’m still insanely curious…I hope I can find out once this life is over but I’m pretty sure that’s just wishful thinking.

2018 Reflections: All At Once

Well, you know the deal. It's time for my annual New Year's reflection post. I'm somewhat happy to say that this time I'm actually starting early (it's Dec 28th here!) because, honestly, I think there's a lot I want to get down about this year and what lies ahead. So, instead of hastily writing a huge wall of text on NYE, this is my attempt to organize my thoughts more coherently.

To start, I want to reflect on several areas on the past year. Specifically: career, academics, health, social, and creative hobbies.


1.) Career

On a surface level, this is probably the area with the most improvement. I was able to get promoted and, overall, feel like I have more of an ability to drive the direction of the team. I'm proud of what I accomplished and, honestly, I'm surprised I was even able to do it while taking classes as well. I feel like I must have been very motivated at the start of the year in a way that is difficult to comprehend now. I also legitimately care about what I do at work - it's an interesting problem and my manager and co-workers are smart and easy going. I am afraid that P or M will leave which will make things significantly worse but I'm guessing that probably won't happen for another year or two.

Either way, things are good in this area. I've said it to before to many people, but I feel like working at ?? is probably the happiest I can be when it comes to some software/machine learning job at a large company. Probably the only thing which is lacking is the idea of not really working on something very "meaningful". Like, the problem is fun/interesting and all, but it doesn't really feel like I'm significantly making the world a better place. I know that's a tall order, and obviously a bit naive but I feel like I would be remiss to not point out that the optimal thing is to be spending your time working on something which you believe is truly helping the world.

I think when it comes to "work" there are really three main tenets you need. The first is that it's technically interesting/challenging. The second is that the environment is enjoyable. The third is that you feel like the thing you're working on is important and will truly have an impact. I'm lucky enough to have found a place where the first two are mostly covered but the third one is certainly not. I would obviously be lying to myself if I thought that working at A is the most meaningful thing  I could be doing but, even if I try solve that problem by, let's say, going to a startup I'm sure the other two areas would suffer. It's a tough balancing act and something I still need time to figure out.

Overall Rating: 4/5

2.) Academics

I was pretty conflicted this year about academics. My motivation started off strong by taking RL and then ConvNets but quickly waned over the summer and led me into just taking a LOA in the fall. I think RL was fun, but, looking back, I'm still not quite sure if I absorbed that much information from it or it was "worth" the cost. Same thing with ConvNet course. I guess I'm still confused about what I want out of this degree or if it's worth pursuing.

Sometimes I wish I could just pay 50k and then get a piece of paper that would make others respect me instead of putting in all these hours for courses that sometimes don't feel worth it.

But then there's always the counterfactual argument. Which is pretty much asking myself, if I didn't do these courses, what else would I do with my time? Because obviously, if the answer is just sitting around playing games then taking classes is better, even if I'm not getting as much value out of it as I want.

Probably the best thing I've gained out of the degree so far is the connections I've made. I think the mindset here is to not think too far ahead when it comes to the degree. Just taking interesting courses, meet new people and hopefully learn some stuff. If it's becoming too stressful, then take a break. I'll get more into this "counterfactual" about "what I would be doing if I didn't take courses?" later when I talk about personal goals. The one datapoint I do have is the autumn quarter where I didn't take any courses but, even then, it wasn't like I was able to transfer all the time I would have spent doing coursework into writing or what not. There was some loss of efficiency, in fact, probably quite a large one.

Rating: 2/5

3.) Health

Thinking back, 2018 was not a great year health-wise. I started off the year with my fractured wrist which pretty much continued all the way into the summer. I also badly sprained an ankle which was already injured which led to not being able to do many exercises and took weeks to recover. Later on (mid-june) I would injure my shoulder joint and require physio. It was honestly only until Nov/Dec when I felt like I was really able to get back to doing all the exercises and, by then, I only had like a solid 1-2 months before the holiday break.

Nonetheless, I managed to go the gym pretty regularly throughout the year and do what I could. I feel pretty happy at the Y and with the group of friends I made there. Going to the gym definitely feels like a habit and something I "should" do now and I have certainly made progress. I think health-wise I have a good foundation going into 2019.

Rating: 3/5

4.) Social

I think in terms of developing new friendships and maintaining old ones, 2018 was actually not too bad. I was able to have some fairly deep convos with people like psycho girl (K), Json and Niha. I was also able to rekindle my relationship with SLin before she left to NY and I have a feeling we will hopefully be remain close friends for the years to come (we made a point to skype/video chat regularly and seem to be keeping to it). I think it was probably better than 2017 when the only close friend I really made was E, even though now it doesn't seem like our friendship is anything special but his potlucks are a nice type of gathering to go to once in a while.

Oh, the other people I forgot to mention are C and V. It's kind of sad/unexpected but honestly probably the thing that has affected my life the most since going back to school was meeting C. At first I didn't think much of him, but we hungout quite a bit this year, played lots of Occulus and honestly made a deeper connection. He's a really interesting guy (and obviously very smart) and I'm curious to see what he'll do one day - maybe we'll even work together in the future. He reminds me of a better and more introspective W, to be honest.

However, the one downside was I didn't really do as many "social" activities in 2018 as I did in 2017. We mostly stopped playing badminton due to my various injuries but we did start again near the end of the year. Hopefully this can continue in 2019 as it really is like the one sport I enjoy. I also stopped socializing at the gym that much since E left but I actually don't mind since I kind of just like to do my own thing at the gym and not worry about doing the same routine as him or whatever. I guess I became closer with J but he seems more like one of those superficial Stanford types so it's hard to say that I really "know" him.

Overall, I think I met some good people that seem like decent candidates to be friends with in the long term. Time will tell. I suppose the other thing to mention is that I feel less attached to my old high school friend group, even forgoing the chance to go on a vacation with them during the summer. Honestly, it just doesn't seem that special anymore and didn't really feel like it was worth my time in the sense that I didn't think it would be that enjoyable. It's kind of sad but I also realize deep down that it feels like the right decision. Of course, there's people from high school that I still continue to talk to regularly, like 3 and Dez but the others just come and go. I'm usually happy to see them and catch up but things feel saturated in the sense that I doubt that I really care enough anymore to go on a full trip with them again in the future? That magic seems to have long faded.

Rating: 4/5


5.) Hobbies/Creativity

This is another area where I think I did reasonably well and even "followed through" starting from the beginning of the year. For a long time now (like the previous 3-4 New Years posts) I've always been mentioning that I want to take writing more seriously, but honestly, nothing really happened. I would feel galvanized for a week or so and then just give up. But, starting from January, I started going to W.S. with J and ended up even doing 3 classes this whole year. I was able to get a book/short story published (even if it was in some mediocre Canadian lit mag) and also submit a short story for a contest which I'll hear back from early next year. While it's true that I didn't complete any of my "major" stories I've been working on for a few years now, I'm glad I was able to invest more time into writing especially since it's something I've always talked about. But I think it really did help me to confirm that this is a creative hobby I enjoy and not just something that I talk about in theory. It also feels more tangible because when I meet other writers I have something real to talk about. Anyway, I am worried that I might lose focus again in 2019 but hopefully what I did in 2018 will give me the motivation I need to make writing into a habit.

In terms of other hobbies, I don't think there's really much. I barely played badminton this year due to the aforementioned injures and just generally being apathetic. But, my time is really limited so I think if I'm able to just focus consistently on writing and going to the gym in 2019 then I should be pretty proud of myself. I'm not sure there's really any other hobbies I want to pursue. I can't really relate to "other people" who tend to always bounce around from hobby to hobby or are just unable to figure out what they like. For me, it's like there's some deep intuition which is telling me that writing is the creative hobby / outlet for me and I'm fine with sticking with that. Maybe if I can find the time then playing more badminton would be nice too.

Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention is that I think with all this writing stuff I learned something about myself in that, sometimes the best way to motivate me, was just to try to work towards small deadlines. This could be like how we have to finish a prompt every week for W.S. or even committing to writing a short story for a contest and then following through. Honestly, I'm pretty good at following through with small goals like these and sometimes you even get positive feedback from it (like getting published). So...I guess I'm slowly learning more about myself too.

Overall Rating: 3/5 (it would be 4/5 but I'm skeptical that my motivation will continue into 2019).


6.) Relationships

Yeah, I know. Saving the worse for last. Looking back, I think one major problem was that I really started off 2018 on the wrong foot especially when it came to Hg. For whatever reason, I was still thinking I had a real chance to be with her and that led to unrealistic expectations and really made me blind when it came to pursuing anything else. I should have known after the first time we hungout in January that there wasn't really much there but (and I think this is more a general problem I have) but I refused to just move on. It's kind of like, once I get an idea in my head, I refuse to let go of it out of stubbornness/autism until I know for sure it's not going to work. This is useful in some cases because it means I stay determined but, on the other hand, it means that I have a lot of trouble admitting when I'm wrong especially if there's any ambiguity. The thing about Hg is that, you know, there's never going to be the kind of closure that I wanted. But I need to learn to live with that and, ultimately, not waste anymore time.

The one ray of hope is that I did end up going on more dates and meeting interesting people near the end of the year which I actually think has the potential to become something. But, again, I think some soul searching is required here. Soul searching in the sense of figuring out whether being in a relationship is really the thing that I should devote my energy towards and that would bring me the most happiness/fulfillment. Somewhat ironically, it was Hg who said she wasn't interested in dating again for a long time because she didn't feel it would make her any happier. Of course, even I'm going with the mentality of "waiting until someone cool comes along" I still need to explore and try to put myself in situations where I meet new people. It's pretty obvious but I think somewhat overlooked that you don't discover new people by just staying home alone.

So yeah, overall, not great on the relationship front but one silver lining is that all this with Hg really did help me get a clear look at some of my biggest personal flaws and it gave me an opportunity to be honest with myself. Will try to do better in 2019.

Overall Rating: 2/5


Summary and Looking Forward for 2019

Ultimately, I'm relatively OK with how 2018 turned out. It wasn't as turbulent at 2016 in terms of the whole transition about moving to Cali and what not, but at the same time, I feel like I accomplished more than in 2017 mainly because I was more comfortable with my environment and was able to branch out and try new things (such as forming new friendships, hobbies etc). My one hope for 2019 is to really start to hone in and focus on important things. For example, starting to truly focus on writing my own stories instead of just doing WS. Of course, I also want to continue developing relationships with other people who I see potential in and maybe even be more adventurous when it comes to relationships.

I feel like for 2018, it's OK to put career on the back burner for a bit and focus more on hobbies/interests/relationships. I'm pretty fine with how I'm doing and I think the true "next step" about whether to do a startup or move to London for ?? is probably a conversation that's better had when looking forwards 2020 as by then I would have completed 4 years at ?? and be ready to move on. But, of course, I know work is fickle and things can change. This is only a plan, after all.

I do think I need to make some tough decisions about grad school. Do I really want to finish it? Do I really think it's worth it ? How much of it is me just doing it for prestige or to prove something to myself/others vs. actually getting knowledge out of it? I think if I do continue down this path then I should probably put more effort into using grad school as means of making more social and professional connections in order to really get the most out of it.

I want to end this (very long) post, by recalling a conversation I had with C a few months back. We were talking about what the "ideal" life might be, at least, in the context of "work". We both agreed that it's something where what you do today builds on what you'll have to do tomorrow because that naturally creates a sense of progress. I think without a sense of progress, without feeling like you're truly improving in some innate way, then you'll inevitably wind up depressed. I feel like I can already see the signs of this in many of peers who are lost in the typical 9-5 grind and grasping for a way out - whether it be grad school, switching jobs or even travelling the world. Maybe I'm grasping too. But, I am confident that the way to avoid this is spend your time doing activities which give you this sense of progression.

Sorry, I know this is getting kind of preachy. There's just one other thought I want to mention before closing (was reminded of it by some random post on reddit, actually). It was just about how, ultimately, we control our reality. You can be in the same situation as someone else but if your mindset is different that can completely change how you feel And so, I want to remind myself to not be anxious or concerned about where the future might lead but instead try to be excited about the future. Be excited about improving yourself and learning new things instead of worrying about what's outside your scope of influence. I will try to adopt this attitude when it comes to 2019 and I'm hoping I will be a happier and more productive person for it.

- O

2017 Reflections: Part I

I've been noticing a pattern emerge in the last 5 or so years of my life so far. Usually there's one year of intense change followed by another year which is mainly characterized by "adjusting" or you could even call it "coasting". For example, in 2014 I graduated from college and started the transition into real "adult" life - moving downtown and getting my own place along with going to work every day. However, 2015 was mostly marked by just developing new relationships and pursuing hobbies I had been interested in for a while (started going to the Y and playing badminton again).

Similarly, it seems 2016 and 2017 have also followed this pattern. 2016 was when I first moved to SF and I felt as if the whole second half of the year was mostly just me adjusting to being in a new place along with a new work environment and what not. In comparison, 2017 seems pretty tame. In fact, if it wasn't for starting graduate school part time in the second half of the year I would go so far as to say it was probably one of the least eventful years I've had in recent memory.

I don't mean to suggest that I'm sad or annoyed that 2017 seemed largely uneventful compared to 2016. I think it was nice to just surrender to the typical ebbs and flows of working life and while slowly beginning to think about what I wanted in the future. I'm going to try and re-iterate what I think are the main events and changes that happened this year and then hopefully have another post later about what I want to accomplish in 2018.

I remember the year starting off in a pretty relaxed fashion mainly cause of our company wide conference which meant work was not really a priority for January. At the same time, I got rejected for a research job I thought was really cool (in fact I would get rejected from another cool job later on too) so maybe that was just foreshadowing the fact that no real "big" changes would occur in 2017. Though, in retrospect, I did get an offer for a job in New York that I could have moved to if I wanted.

Other than that, the first half of the year was marked by work being quite busy trying to get the new location system out along with trying to spend more time with Hg. Looking back on my messages with Dez now, I see I was talking about hg as early as the beginning of March. Of course, this all culminated in her leaving and some awkward conversations about feelings/relationships. But I don't want to get into that now since I've already written about it before. I'm just making a note of it here since Hg was pretty much a large portion of my emotional investment throughout the whole year, especially the earlier half. To be honest though, I feel that I was more mature about Hg that I have been about other girls I've was crushing on in the past. On the surface, I wasn't clingy and we didn't really talk that much - I was able to put her out of my mind when I needed to seriously get work done. Another thing worth mentioning is that D came to visit me in SF which was nice and, even though I was annoyed at times, I remember feeling kind of sad/lonely when she left which is rare for me.

One thing that did change in 2017 was that I decided to attend graduate school part time starting in September. As I've told a few close friends, I'm not sure what the actual benefits will be or how much it all matters but I think, ultimately, going to grad school is something I needed to prove to myself that I could do. Overall, I'm glad that I got the "new" experience of graduate school as it was one of the few "new" experiences I was able to try out in 2017 and something that's been nagging at me for a long time.

Another interesting event was labour day trip with high school friends. While it was fun (as hanging out with that group usually is) it also reinforced the notion that the passage of time has pretty much deteriorated whatever special "bond" I thought I had with my larger group of high school friends. By that  I mean that, while it was fun, it didn't really seem that unique compared to, say, a cottaging trip with some other high school friends. One thing I want to focus on in the new year is trying to only cultivate relationships with people that I believe are really important and/or will improve my life in a positive way. That might mean burning some bridges or "ghosting" some people but I think it's necessary as there's only a limited amount of time we can spend on social interactions and I want to do my best to make sure it's meaningful. (Note: I realize that I wrote about wanting to do the same thing in my 2016 year end post...but I really need to get serious about it now. I think it's even something other high school people, such as J, are starting to realize now too). 

Upon writing everything down now, I do feel a sense of disappointment when I think of 2017. At least from an emotional point of view I wasn't really able to meet any new people that I connected with (though I have to say I'm proud of myself for handling the whole situation with Hg). From a "goals progression" kind of view at least I was able to start graduate school which is something I've had in the back of my mind for a long time which is great. However, my more creative/personal goals had kind of fallen to the wayside in the sense that I barely made any headway on hobbies such as writing a novel or working on a Artificial Intelligence side project (but I did get a project done through school so there's that...)

I guess what really bothers me is when I see "goals" that I've written down in several year-end reflection posts now. Things such as writing a novel or talking to less high school friends. As I mentioned earlier, I think I either really need to take these things seriously or just determine that I was wrong and they aren't really worth the effort. I don't like the feeling of continuously adding items/goals to a list every year only to have made little progress towards them. If they aren't important enough for me to make progress towards then I feel like they are either poorly constructed goals or something else must have come up during the year for me to focus on. However, in 2017 it doesn't really seem like anything else came up for me to focus on so I'm honestly starting to think it's the former. Or maybe I was just being lazy in 2017 and got caught up in a "normal" life schedule. Maybe I need to just constantly remind myself to keep pushing forwards and making progress towards my goals.