Young Blood Thinks There's Always Tomorrow;

[Title from a popular JB song that's on the radio nowadays. It reminds me of a road trip I took with 3 to visit Kwong in his hometown and we played a lot of JB on the radio there. Maybe I'll look back on this 5-10 years from now and rediscover the song so I think it might be worth it...]

Anyway, it was a pretty good summer, especially the tail-end of it when I was back in my home town. I wasn't as productive as I hoped but I did get to do everything "socially" that I wanted (hanging out with friends at home and back downtown on the last day before I left). I was even able to finish a first draft of my book and take the time to really settle down and play some games again (like Fire Emblem and Sekiro which was a really fun experience).

When I went downtown to meet up with A and C again, I didn't feel as nostalgic as I thought I would. I didn't really miss downtown TO, it felt kind of unwelcoming and harsh compared to CA. Anyway, while it was nice to see them, it made me also realize how far we had all come. It's been almost 6-7 years since I first met them and, while our relationship feels the same, we are all at very different places in life. The funny thing is, it doesn't seem like long ago when we were roaming the streets of downtown and making dick jokes on the trip to center island. It made me kind of sad in a way, that maybe life is passing me by too quickly and perhaps I'll just wake up one day and realize I'm old.

Anyway, they both seem to be doing well though I hope A is able to make something more out of his life despite his shitty family situation. C is obviously doing well but he has a strong family support system, I'm always been more worried for A. I feel like his life could go either way and maybe I should be doing more to help him as a friend.

That being said, I'm about 3000 miles away, back in CA. It's only my second night here and it does feel like I'm still in that transition phase where I'm still missing the comforts of home. Nonetheless, I'm started to adjust again and embrace the idea of living by myself. I'm somewhat apprehensive about the two months ahead - I'm trying to take two relatively difficult courses in school while working (to finish off my MS) and it's like I feel burnt out before I even start. Though maybe burnt out is not the right term to use - it's more like I'm just scared of failure because there's group projects and I always have this (probably unfounded fear) about what if the project doesn't go well or we don't get any "good" results etc.

I realize such fears are stupid though. Academia and classes in particular should be a setting where I shouldn't be afraid about exploring. Maybe it's just my overachieving mindset but I really think I need to change my philosophy and just optimize for exploration or learning more. To that end, I hope to ask Professor J if I can do research with him next quarter as it's one of the main things I would like to try out before I leave school.

I thought I'd be more afraid about the flight or being back here alone but I'm not really. I do worry sometimes that maybe I'm not acknowledging my emotions or anxieties. That maybe they will just build up beneath the surprise and cause an explosion of fear/anxiety/guilt once they reach the surface. In that sense, I view blogging as a way to "let off the steam" in small increments so to speak. It's easy to just get lost in the day to day grind while resentment or other negative emotions build up so I need to remember to constantly introspect.

That being said, I'm still not super excited about this semester. While the material seems interesting, I was definitely more motivated when I started the program. What excites me the most now is the prospect of finishing and starting something new in life. But whatever new avenue I choose to pursue, I realize that I can't let fear of failure hold me back. I need to remember to cultivate a more curious and exploratory mindset or else I'll be dragging my feet through this journey of life.

So, I want to get into a routine while I'm here. To be productive at work/school while also having some time for creative hobbies such as editing my story. Going to the gym regularly wouldn't be a bad ideas as well...

Deferred Happiness

I've been back home for the summer for the past two months. Overall, it's been pretty relaxing though I can't help but feel guilty about not working harder towards my goals. At the start of summer, I had an ambitious list of things I wanted to accomplish such as finishing my novel, doing a neuroscience project with Jay and learning Unity for game programming. While I was able to finish my novel (which I suppose is a big accomplishment in terms of completing a project), the rest of my free time was mostly just spent playing video games (Sekiro, Fire Emblem) or hanging out with family.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't feel too guilty about this. Ever since I've moved away, I've realized that we should treasure the moments we have with friends and family especially as we all get older and, sorry to be so blunt, closer to death. In terms of playing video games, it is nice to indulge once in a while but obviously I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've always felt that while learning a new skill or working towards personal goals is difficult to get started, it always feels rewarding once I actually do it. For example, I never regret spending an hour at night writing my novel but I generally feel guilty if I end up just playing games and then going to bed. I probably need to just find a happy medium between the two where I allocate time to both playing games (or other relaxing activities) and doing some productive work towards my side-projects.

Aside from that, I have been feeling more apathetic lately. I'm quite bored with my current job but feel like it's irresponsible to leave given how high my compensation is due to the IPO. It's not that my job is actively bad, rather there's just too much politics and friction in actually getting things done. I know the optimal thing to do is probably just focus on other projects and try to "coast" at work but it's easier said than done since I do take pride in what I do at work (at least for the last five years). As such, it's difficult to just "turn off" the mentality of caring about my job though maybe it is the logical thing to do to avoid unnecessary stress.

Another notable event that happened this someone was reconnecting with Dez. I was happy to hear that she was OK and it was genuinely nice to catch up and share what happened in our lives. I'm not sure if we'll ever talk as frequently as we once did but maybe it's OK as long as we remain close enough to both be there for each other in tough situations. One highlight that stood out from our conversation was that even though I didn't talk to her for a year, she's probably still the person I feel "closest" with and trust the most. Before talking to her, I thought I had the same type of closeness with SF friends. But I see now that while I did grow closer with them, it still wasn't comparable to the level of comfort I felt when I was talking to her. As I said, I think a key component in truly "knowing" someone is understanding their whole journey - from who they were in the past to who they are now. I feel like my more recent friends only know a small snapshot of my journey and I would have to sit down and describe every year of my life to them in order to feel like we knew each other on the same level as Dez and I. Of course, that's not really feasible because it's borderline psycho behavior so maybe there's just no shortcut to developing strong friendships and you just need to put in the time. This is probably worthy of it's own blog post though.

The last thing I wanted to highlight from the summer was the trip 3 and I took to visit KW. It's been a long time since I went on a road trip with a friend and I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was a nice experience overall. Sometimes I feel like COVID has made me feel awkward about socializing but I had to remind myself again that life is about putting yourself in new situations. Not that it was really a big deal, or novel situation I feel like I've known 3 for a long time so there was really no reason to feel uncomfortable and it was just my own anxious mind almost getting the better of me.

Anyway, KW was just saying how he mainly felt stressed and burnt out with his current situation in life. His job is very demanding along with all the office politics and extra studying for exams - he basically didn't do anything else after work except maybe watch TV shows with his girlfriend. He seemed hopeful that it would get better in a few years so he could just chill and work a 9-5 type of a schedule but it got me wondering if he would have been happier doing something else in the first place? Of course, he's probably in too deep to admit it to himself (or maybe just not self-aware enough) but it seems kind of clear to me that there would have been other paths in life that might have made him happier. It was like he was sustained by this idea of deferred happiness which I think is always a slippery slope. Basically the notion that "Oh, if I just get over this hurdle now then in X years my life will be perfect" but it doesn't seem likely to me that it will work out that way. The career path he's chosen in general seems quite arduous and hard to really step back and take a break from (perhaps rightfully so) which makes it obvious that it isn't for everyone.

The point here was that deferring your happiness to some point in the future seems like a dangerous decision. The other thing I wanted to mention is that few people are self-aware (or brave enough) to reflect on whether they are truly on the path that is most likely to make them happy. One thing I always admired about C is that he was able to realize that just being a doctor wasn't exactly the path for him (despite putting all these years of training into it) and decided to try something new like going back to do his masters in CS. Though I realize there's a practical component to this as well but I feel the majority of people are just not brave or introspective enough to really question if they've made the right choices in life.

Anyway, I most likely can't change how others think but only myself. So, maybe I'm writing down this memory as a reminder to myself that it's OK to think deeply about whether my life is on a path that is truly making me happy (no matter how deep along that path I am). Also because that maybe I'm deferring happiness by staying in a job I don't really care about just to collect more money though I wouldn't say it's comparable to KW's situation since my actual job is much more chill. Nonetheless, we only have a limited time in life so we shouldn't spend too much of it chasing the dangling carrot of happiness.

I suppose one way to keep myself honest is by continuous reflection on where I am and where I want to go - that's why I have to continue to blog :) 

What is love?

 I broke things off with M a few weeks ago and, in parallel, had a few deep conversations with Heinz about what we thought it truly meant to be in "love". I figured it was probably then a good time to summarize some of my thoughts. 

In terms of things with M, I feel that ending it was the right thing to do though I regret the circumstances under which it happened. Despite thinking of myself as a logical and calm person, I do have a very strong intuition for when I'm not happy or something doesn't feel right and I tend to listen to it. When we were supposed to meet up that day, I just knew that this wasn't a lifestyle I really wanted and realized in an instant (though it was pretty clear from the start) the level of commitment that she wanted was too high.

In fact, I would say that the main appeal of being with her was just the comfort of having someone around and, maybe this sounds bad to say, but even in a practical sense. It's nice to know that if something bad happens or you need help then there's someone you can ask. But that doesn't seem like the typical reasons people my age get into a relationship or even a good enough reason to justify dating someone. When I look at other people who seem happy in relationships they seem to genuinely enjoy being in someone else's company and doing activities together like going out for dinner, watching a game/show together etc. While I do think those things are fun, I don't really think it's entertaining enough (if at all) to justify the commitment that comes with being in a serious relationship.

For better or worse, I've come to accept that a core aspect of my personality is a need to feel productive. Maybe it's the result of growing up in an environment of overachievers but I would counter that point by saying it's not really feeling like I need to succeed in the typical sense of wealth/fame/career. I think what makes me content is knowing that I was able to reach the potential that I think I have with respect to creative hobbies such as writing or maybe a programming project. The actual "reward" doesn't really matter as much as long as I know I've done something that required all of my creativity or that I can be proud of (such as helping others). 

I've noticed this theme in so many of my blog posts over the years - for example, the typical  lamentations about not writing enough or being able to truly pursue what I want. For example, in 2015 I wrote:

As usual, I loathe myself for not writing more or pursuing creative interests - I haven't even been reading as much as I like to which makes me disappointed in myself. I always say that when I move to a new city it will just be quiet and on the weekends I can go to a coffeeshop and read/write if I'd like but somehow it just never happens. When will I stop letting my dreams be dreams ?

In that sense, maybe my guilt from doing typical "relationship" activities stemmed from this mentality - it just felt like another distraction from doing what I truly wanted and I couldn't stomach it despite the fact that society tells you this is what single people in their late 20's should be doing. The truth is, I'm getting older and, as A-train and I were saying the other day, we're getting to the point in lives where we have to decide if we want to keep pursuing the traditional path or branch off and try to do our own thing. We all have to play the game a little at first to build up some sense of status, but I've done that for almost 5 years now and done it well (it's OK to humblebrag I guess because no one reads this anyway...). Am I finally justified in taking some time to explore my own interests?

That being said, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that the other core benefit of a relationship is sex. This is kind of where the discussion Heinz and I were having led to - we both talked about basically how we felt strongly attracted to someone is maybe an emotional response that people conflate with being in love. To me, love is something that develops slowly over a long period of time - like the kind of love you have for family or close friends. It's the basic idea that you genuinely want this person to be happy and are there to support them. Ironically, this is probably how I still feel about Dez even if we haven't talked in almost a year. But it takes a long time for me to feel this way and it doesn't really seem to be a function of the type of "date" activities that people in relationships do. The cynic in me believes that the people who do those kind of things are just looking for ways to kill time instead of truly figuring out what kind of contribution they want to have on the world. I remember a date once where I was cooking dinner together with N and, while it felt nice, I think it was just the novelty aspect of it and I remember thinking it would be difficult to maintain this type of lifestyle for an extended period of time.

I will say that one legitimate reason for being in a relationship is if you want to build a family or go that route. But just having someone to do "stuff" with doesn't seem like a high enough bar for me because it's important to consider how we're spending the limited time we have left.

But maybe it's possible to find it all. Maybe there are people out there who enhance your ability to make a contribution and pursue your passionate in addition to fulfilling that role of sex/companionship in your life. Is this really true though? It sounds a bit too idealistic in theory but perhaps it's possible if you both have similar hobbies or interests. Anyway, I still don't really know but I suppose I shouldn't be too quick to judge either. The only way to know is to go out and experience life.