I broke things off with M a few weeks ago and, in parallel, had a few deep conversations with Heinz about what we thought it truly meant to be in "love". I figured it was probably then a good time to summarize some of my thoughts.
In terms of things with M, I feel that ending it was the right thing to do though I regret the circumstances under which it happened. Despite thinking of myself as a logical and calm person, I do have a very strong intuition for when I'm not happy or something doesn't feel right and I tend to listen to it. When we were supposed to meet up that day, I just knew that this wasn't a lifestyle I really wanted and realized in an instant (though it was pretty clear from the start) the level of commitment that she wanted was too high.
In fact, I would say that the main appeal of being with her was just the comfort of having someone around and, maybe this sounds bad to say, but even in a practical sense. It's nice to know that if something bad happens or you need help then there's someone you can ask. But that doesn't seem like the typical reasons people my age get into a relationship or even a good enough reason to justify dating someone. When I look at other people who seem happy in relationships they seem to genuinely enjoy being in someone else's company and doing activities together like going out for dinner, watching a game/show together etc. While I do think those things are fun, I don't really think it's entertaining enough (if at all) to justify the commitment that comes with being in a serious relationship.
For better or worse, I've come to accept that a core aspect of my personality is a need to feel productive. Maybe it's the result of growing up in an environment of overachievers but I would counter that point by saying it's not really feeling like I need to succeed in the typical sense of wealth/fame/career. I think what makes me content is knowing that I was able to reach the potential that I think I have with respect to creative hobbies such as writing or maybe a programming project. The actual "reward" doesn't really matter as much as long as I know I've done something that required all of my creativity or that I can be proud of (such as helping others).
I've noticed this theme in so many of my blog posts over the years - for example, the typical lamentations about not writing enough or being able to truly pursue what I want. For example, in 2015 I wrote:
As usual, I loathe myself for not writing more or pursuing creative interests - I haven't even been reading as much as I like to which makes me disappointed in myself. I always say that when I move to a new city it will just be quiet and on the weekends I can go to a coffeeshop and read/write if I'd like but somehow it just never happens. When will I stop letting my dreams be dreams ?
In that sense, maybe my guilt from doing typical "relationship" activities stemmed from this mentality - it just felt like another distraction from doing what I truly wanted and I couldn't stomach it despite the fact that society tells you this is what single people in their late 20's should be doing. The truth is, I'm getting older and, as A-train and I were saying the other day, we're getting to the point in lives where we have to decide if we want to keep pursuing the traditional path or branch off and try to do our own thing. We all have to play the game a little at first to build up some sense of status, but I've done that for almost 5 years now and done it well (it's OK to humblebrag I guess because no one reads this anyway...). Am I finally justified in taking some time to explore my own interests?
That being said, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that the other core benefit of a relationship is sex. This is kind of where the discussion Heinz and I were having led to - we both talked about basically how we felt strongly attracted to someone is maybe an emotional response that people conflate with being in love. To me, love is something that develops slowly over a long period of time - like the kind of love you have for family or close friends. It's the basic idea that you genuinely want this person to be happy and are there to support them. Ironically, this is probably how I still feel about Dez even if we haven't talked in almost a year. But it takes a long time for me to feel this way and it doesn't really seem to be a function of the type of "date" activities that people in relationships do. The cynic in me believes that the people who do those kind of things are just looking for ways to kill time instead of truly figuring out what kind of contribution they want to have on the world. I remember a date once where I was cooking dinner together with N and, while it felt nice, I think it was just the novelty aspect of it and I remember thinking it would be difficult to maintain this type of lifestyle for an extended period of time.
I will say that one legitimate reason for being in a relationship is if you want to build a family or go that route. But just having someone to do "stuff" with doesn't seem like a high enough bar for me because it's important to consider how we're spending the limited time we have left.
But maybe it's possible to find it all. Maybe there are people out there who enhance your ability to make a contribution and pursue your passionate in addition to fulfilling that role of sex/companionship in your life. Is this really true though? It sounds a bit too idealistic in theory but perhaps it's possible if you both have similar hobbies or interests. Anyway, I still don't really know but I suppose I shouldn't be too quick to judge either. The only way to know is to go out and experience life.
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