Dune, Free-Will and Autonomy

 It's been a while since I last wrote something though it's been in the back of my mind for a while. Due to taking two courses along with working, I feel like all my mental energy is just expended on keeping pace with the treadmill of life. While I do have some free time now and then, I find it hard to truly focus on more intellectual things (such as creative writing) and generally just end up playing Smash/Hearthstone or reading. I've even gone on a few dates but just feel that being with someone doesn't have a place in my life right now and/or wouldn't really improve anything.

That being said, I don't want you to get the idea that I'm unhappy with how things are now. In fact, I feel pretty content with how things are going though I recognize sometimes it might just be this illusion of progress. Nonetheless, there is some comfort in being busy enough so I don't have time to worry about the big existential questions in life. 

If I had more free time, I wonder if I'd just spend it worrying about if I'm really working towards something that would make me happy or having the kind of impact I want on the world. I would actually say I do feel pretty comfortable right now - while my days are relatively packed, I am learning about "interesting" topics though it feels like I have a more passive, rather than active, role in choosing what I'm doing with my time. For example, these past few months have just been as if I'm slowing just trying to solve the next assignment or next project for work as the days march on. While those individual assignments/projects are interesting in themselves (it would be a much worse scenario if they weren't!), it's more the idea of being stuck in this passive state-of-being itself that scares me.

Anyway, the good news is that these few months are probably the busiest I'll be for a while since I'm hopefully graduating early next year. So, there is a glimmer of light at the end of tunnel though likely that light will bring with it a new set of issues. Now, onto what I really wanted to write about...

In anticipation of the Dune movie, I started reading the first book and then decided to try the second one. I was kind of unimpressed with the first book - the characters didn't feel like they had much depth though the world-building was quite good, especially for the time the novel was written. The same issue was prevalent in the movie where it was pretty obvious that there was a clear distinction between the "good" or the "bad" guys. This is in contrast to novels like GoT where there's no clear protagonist and every character comes with their own motivations and fatal flaws that make things feel much more realistic and interesting.

However, the second book really takes a different approach. It's much less of a hero's journey type of novel and instead focuses on more of the philosophical implication of Paul's ability to see into possible futures. In fact, the book itself has a very strange plot where it kind of just seems like nothing interesting really happens until the last quarter. The first three-quarters of the book is then Paul ruminating on the nature of reality and how any type of "choice" he ultimately gets to make seem inconsequential. 

Beyond the overarching "free-will" question, there's also other tidbits sprinkled in about the consequences of bringing someone back to life or whether it's better to just have them crystallized in your memory. 

With respect to the theme of free-will, Paul's conclusion is that we humans are just created to act out the will of bigger "forces" or events in the universe. By forces, I mean more abstract ideals such as the desire to conquer, the desire to mingle genes to increase diversity etc. These forces use humans to achieve their means and, while we think we are the ones making decisions, everything is just pre-determined by primitive forces trying to optimize for their own reward.

This actually relates pretty well to when I was describing my current situation at the beginning of this post - I used to think a critical component of being happy was having a sense of autonomy with respect to your actions. But after these past few months, I suppose I could see a path where happiness is just derived from executing on goals, even if you aren't the one generating those goals to begin with. Do you really feel happier if you accomplish a goal just because you specifically came up with it? Even the whole notion of "coming up" with a goal might be selfish and idealistic as we are all likely just a product of our environment and upbringing. I think what matters more is finding the process of achieving that goal interesting and the idea that you've gained some type of knowledge or grown as a person along the way. Ultimately, it's a mindset thing.

David Foster Wallace once said that the trick to being happy in life is to "be unboreable". In that sense, maybe one should strive to find beauty in every task or goal they have, whether it is handed down to them or generated internally. I'm definitely of the opinion that we have a staggering amount of information at our fingertips (due to the internet) so no one should ever complain about "being bored" or having to travel or move to a different city to experience new things. There's so many new things to be discovered or learned all around us (even if you want to ignore the internet argument, even just going outside and talking to a stranger or exploring a new neighborhood could introduce you to experiences you've never had before).

I think what I wanted to note is perhaps my change in opinion of the years. I suppose I'm not so attached to the romantic ideal of coming up with my goals ("writing a novel") and completing them as the one true path to happiness. We can still find meaning in goals even if we are not the ones choosing them and likely what matters more is the journey towards that goal rather than the initial spark itself.

Though it will be interesting to see how I feel about all this next year when I will have more free-time than I've had in the past several years. Maybe my perspective will change and I can come back and contrast it with what I thought now. But the important point is to just record a snapshot of my thoughts, after all, that's the true purpose of this blog.

Young Blood Thinks There's Always Tomorrow;

[Title from a popular JB song that's on the radio nowadays. It reminds me of a road trip I took with 3 to visit Kwong in his hometown and we played a lot of JB on the radio there. Maybe I'll look back on this 5-10 years from now and rediscover the song so I think it might be worth it...]

Anyway, it was a pretty good summer, especially the tail-end of it when I was back in my home town. I wasn't as productive as I hoped but I did get to do everything "socially" that I wanted (hanging out with friends at home and back downtown on the last day before I left). I was even able to finish a first draft of my book and take the time to really settle down and play some games again (like Fire Emblem and Sekiro which was a really fun experience).

When I went downtown to meet up with A and C again, I didn't feel as nostalgic as I thought I would. I didn't really miss downtown TO, it felt kind of unwelcoming and harsh compared to CA. Anyway, while it was nice to see them, it made me also realize how far we had all come. It's been almost 6-7 years since I first met them and, while our relationship feels the same, we are all at very different places in life. The funny thing is, it doesn't seem like long ago when we were roaming the streets of downtown and making dick jokes on the trip to center island. It made me kind of sad in a way, that maybe life is passing me by too quickly and perhaps I'll just wake up one day and realize I'm old.

Anyway, they both seem to be doing well though I hope A is able to make something more out of his life despite his shitty family situation. C is obviously doing well but he has a strong family support system, I'm always been more worried for A. I feel like his life could go either way and maybe I should be doing more to help him as a friend.

That being said, I'm about 3000 miles away, back in CA. It's only my second night here and it does feel like I'm still in that transition phase where I'm still missing the comforts of home. Nonetheless, I'm started to adjust again and embrace the idea of living by myself. I'm somewhat apprehensive about the two months ahead - I'm trying to take two relatively difficult courses in school while working (to finish off my MS) and it's like I feel burnt out before I even start. Though maybe burnt out is not the right term to use - it's more like I'm just scared of failure because there's group projects and I always have this (probably unfounded fear) about what if the project doesn't go well or we don't get any "good" results etc.

I realize such fears are stupid though. Academia and classes in particular should be a setting where I shouldn't be afraid about exploring. Maybe it's just my overachieving mindset but I really think I need to change my philosophy and just optimize for exploration or learning more. To that end, I hope to ask Professor J if I can do research with him next quarter as it's one of the main things I would like to try out before I leave school.

I thought I'd be more afraid about the flight or being back here alone but I'm not really. I do worry sometimes that maybe I'm not acknowledging my emotions or anxieties. That maybe they will just build up beneath the surprise and cause an explosion of fear/anxiety/guilt once they reach the surface. In that sense, I view blogging as a way to "let off the steam" in small increments so to speak. It's easy to just get lost in the day to day grind while resentment or other negative emotions build up so I need to remember to constantly introspect.

That being said, I'm still not super excited about this semester. While the material seems interesting, I was definitely more motivated when I started the program. What excites me the most now is the prospect of finishing and starting something new in life. But whatever new avenue I choose to pursue, I realize that I can't let fear of failure hold me back. I need to remember to cultivate a more curious and exploratory mindset or else I'll be dragging my feet through this journey of life.

So, I want to get into a routine while I'm here. To be productive at work/school while also having some time for creative hobbies such as editing my story. Going to the gym regularly wouldn't be a bad ideas as well...

Deferred Happiness

I've been back home for the summer for the past two months. Overall, it's been pretty relaxing though I can't help but feel guilty about not working harder towards my goals. At the start of summer, I had an ambitious list of things I wanted to accomplish such as finishing my novel, doing a neuroscience project with Jay and learning Unity for game programming. While I was able to finish my novel (which I suppose is a big accomplishment in terms of completing a project), the rest of my free time was mostly just spent playing video games (Sekiro, Fire Emblem) or hanging out with family.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't feel too guilty about this. Ever since I've moved away, I've realized that we should treasure the moments we have with friends and family especially as we all get older and, sorry to be so blunt, closer to death. In terms of playing video games, it is nice to indulge once in a while but obviously I shouldn't let it become a habit. I've always felt that while learning a new skill or working towards personal goals is difficult to get started, it always feels rewarding once I actually do it. For example, I never regret spending an hour at night writing my novel but I generally feel guilty if I end up just playing games and then going to bed. I probably need to just find a happy medium between the two where I allocate time to both playing games (or other relaxing activities) and doing some productive work towards my side-projects.

Aside from that, I have been feeling more apathetic lately. I'm quite bored with my current job but feel like it's irresponsible to leave given how high my compensation is due to the IPO. It's not that my job is actively bad, rather there's just too much politics and friction in actually getting things done. I know the optimal thing to do is probably just focus on other projects and try to "coast" at work but it's easier said than done since I do take pride in what I do at work (at least for the last five years). As such, it's difficult to just "turn off" the mentality of caring about my job though maybe it is the logical thing to do to avoid unnecessary stress.

Another notable event that happened this someone was reconnecting with Dez. I was happy to hear that she was OK and it was genuinely nice to catch up and share what happened in our lives. I'm not sure if we'll ever talk as frequently as we once did but maybe it's OK as long as we remain close enough to both be there for each other in tough situations. One highlight that stood out from our conversation was that even though I didn't talk to her for a year, she's probably still the person I feel "closest" with and trust the most. Before talking to her, I thought I had the same type of closeness with SF friends. But I see now that while I did grow closer with them, it still wasn't comparable to the level of comfort I felt when I was talking to her. As I said, I think a key component in truly "knowing" someone is understanding their whole journey - from who they were in the past to who they are now. I feel like my more recent friends only know a small snapshot of my journey and I would have to sit down and describe every year of my life to them in order to feel like we knew each other on the same level as Dez and I. Of course, that's not really feasible because it's borderline psycho behavior so maybe there's just no shortcut to developing strong friendships and you just need to put in the time. This is probably worthy of it's own blog post though.

The last thing I wanted to highlight from the summer was the trip 3 and I took to visit KW. It's been a long time since I went on a road trip with a friend and I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was a nice experience overall. Sometimes I feel like COVID has made me feel awkward about socializing but I had to remind myself again that life is about putting yourself in new situations. Not that it was really a big deal, or novel situation I feel like I've known 3 for a long time so there was really no reason to feel uncomfortable and it was just my own anxious mind almost getting the better of me.

Anyway, KW was just saying how he mainly felt stressed and burnt out with his current situation in life. His job is very demanding along with all the office politics and extra studying for exams - he basically didn't do anything else after work except maybe watch TV shows with his girlfriend. He seemed hopeful that it would get better in a few years so he could just chill and work a 9-5 type of a schedule but it got me wondering if he would have been happier doing something else in the first place? Of course, he's probably in too deep to admit it to himself (or maybe just not self-aware enough) but it seems kind of clear to me that there would have been other paths in life that might have made him happier. It was like he was sustained by this idea of deferred happiness which I think is always a slippery slope. Basically the notion that "Oh, if I just get over this hurdle now then in X years my life will be perfect" but it doesn't seem likely to me that it will work out that way. The career path he's chosen in general seems quite arduous and hard to really step back and take a break from (perhaps rightfully so) which makes it obvious that it isn't for everyone.

The point here was that deferring your happiness to some point in the future seems like a dangerous decision. The other thing I wanted to mention is that few people are self-aware (or brave enough) to reflect on whether they are truly on the path that is most likely to make them happy. One thing I always admired about C is that he was able to realize that just being a doctor wasn't exactly the path for him (despite putting all these years of training into it) and decided to try something new like going back to do his masters in CS. Though I realize there's a practical component to this as well but I feel the majority of people are just not brave or introspective enough to really question if they've made the right choices in life.

Anyway, I most likely can't change how others think but only myself. So, maybe I'm writing down this memory as a reminder to myself that it's OK to think deeply about whether my life is on a path that is truly making me happy (no matter how deep along that path I am). Also because that maybe I'm deferring happiness by staying in a job I don't really care about just to collect more money though I wouldn't say it's comparable to KW's situation since my actual job is much more chill. Nonetheless, we only have a limited time in life so we shouldn't spend too much of it chasing the dangling carrot of happiness.

I suppose one way to keep myself honest is by continuous reflection on where I am and where I want to go - that's why I have to continue to blog :)