It's been a while since I last wrote something though it's been in the back of my mind for a while. Due to taking two courses along with working, I feel like all my mental energy is just expended on keeping pace with the treadmill of life. While I do have some free time now and then, I find it hard to truly focus on more intellectual things (such as creative writing) and generally just end up playing Smash/Hearthstone or reading. I've even gone on a few dates but just feel that being with someone doesn't have a place in my life right now and/or wouldn't really improve anything.
That being said, I don't want you to get the idea that I'm unhappy with how things are now. In fact, I feel pretty content with how things are going though I recognize sometimes it might just be this illusion of progress. Nonetheless, there is some comfort in being busy enough so I don't have time to worry about the big existential questions in life.
If I had more free time, I wonder if I'd just spend it worrying about if I'm really working towards something that would make me happy or having the kind of impact I want on the world. I would actually say I do feel pretty comfortable right now - while my days are relatively packed, I am learning about "interesting" topics though it feels like I have a more passive, rather than active, role in choosing what I'm doing with my time. For example, these past few months have just been as if I'm slowing just trying to solve the next assignment or next project for work as the days march on. While those individual assignments/projects are interesting in themselves (it would be a much worse scenario if they weren't!), it's more the idea of being stuck in this passive state-of-being itself that scares me.
Anyway, the good news is that these few months are probably the busiest I'll be for a while since I'm hopefully graduating early next year. So, there is a glimmer of light at the end of tunnel though likely that light will bring with it a new set of issues. Now, onto what I really wanted to write about...
In anticipation of the Dune movie, I started reading the first book and then decided to try the second one. I was kind of unimpressed with the first book - the characters didn't feel like they had much depth though the world-building was quite good, especially for the time the novel was written. The same issue was prevalent in the movie where it was pretty obvious that there was a clear distinction between the "good" or the "bad" guys. This is in contrast to novels like GoT where there's no clear protagonist and every character comes with their own motivations and fatal flaws that make things feel much more realistic and interesting.
However, the second book really takes a different approach. It's much less of a hero's journey type of novel and instead focuses on more of the philosophical implication of Paul's ability to see into possible futures. In fact, the book itself has a very strange plot where it kind of just seems like nothing interesting really happens until the last quarter. The first three-quarters of the book is then Paul ruminating on the nature of reality and how any type of "choice" he ultimately gets to make seem inconsequential.
Beyond the overarching "free-will" question, there's also other tidbits sprinkled in about the consequences of bringing someone back to life or whether it's better to just have them crystallized in your memory.
With respect to the theme of free-will, Paul's conclusion is that we humans are just created to act out the will of bigger "forces" or events in the universe. By forces, I mean more abstract ideals such as the desire to conquer, the desire to mingle genes to increase diversity etc. These forces use humans to achieve their means and, while we think we are the ones making decisions, everything is just pre-determined by primitive forces trying to optimize for their own reward.
This actually relates pretty well to when I was describing my current situation at the beginning of this post - I used to think a critical component of being happy was having a sense of autonomy with respect to your actions. But after these past few months, I suppose I could see a path where happiness is just derived from executing on goals, even if you aren't the one generating those goals to begin with. Do you really feel happier if you accomplish a goal just because you specifically came up with it? Even the whole notion of "coming up" with a goal might be selfish and idealistic as we are all likely just a product of our environment and upbringing. I think what matters more is finding the process of achieving that goal interesting and the idea that you've gained some type of knowledge or grown as a person along the way. Ultimately, it's a mindset thing.
David Foster Wallace once said that the trick to being happy in life is to "be unboreable". In that sense, maybe one should strive to find beauty in every task or goal they have, whether it is handed down to them or generated internally. I'm definitely of the opinion that we have a staggering amount of information at our fingertips (due to the internet) so no one should ever complain about "being bored" or having to travel or move to a different city to experience new things. There's so many new things to be discovered or learned all around us (even if you want to ignore the internet argument, even just going outside and talking to a stranger or exploring a new neighborhood could introduce you to experiences you've never had before).
I think what I wanted to note is perhaps my change in opinion of the years. I suppose I'm not so attached to the romantic ideal of coming up with my goals ("writing a novel") and completing them as the one true path to happiness. We can still find meaning in goals even if we are not the ones choosing them and likely what matters more is the journey towards that goal rather than the initial spark itself.
Though it will be interesting to see how I feel about all this next year when I will have more free-time than I've had in the past several years. Maybe my perspective will change and I can come back and contrast it with what I thought now. But the important point is to just record a snapshot of my thoughts, after all, that's the true purpose of this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment