When am I going to start again?

I know a large problem with my core personality is that I have trouble letting things go or feeling undeserving. I feel that until I have an excellent job or a great academic career or have written a best-selling novel that I'm pretty worthless and don't even deserve to have fun or even pursue the thought of a relationship.

From some perspective, this makes sense. As Andrew Ng said in his recent sappy quora post, we need to think about how if we were able to accomplish all we wanted to today if the world would be a better place. In that sense, getting a gf or just even having fun seems to be pretty pointless. I've always had this puritan approach to life where I feel as if we are on the earth to be productive and don't deserve to have "fun" until we prove ourselves.

However, I'm unable to do this. I'm not a robot and I can't even abide to my own strict rules. So, I end up in this cycle of guilt and feeling bad whenever I do have fun or take a break. I wish I could just pick a path a stick to it - either the path of being determined/workaholic and forgoing everything else or the path of just living with a "normal" person who tries to balance learning with worldly pleasures. But right now, I'm just treading this line while simultaneously not really getting anywhere and hating myself.

Somehow, this was supposed to transition into me not being able to get over what happened with ?? even though it's the same kind of situation that has happened before with others. But I think that my problem is that I just want to have something to be chasing. Even if I had got ?? then I would always still be searching for the next thing. I'm like an idiot on a treadmill who needs that carrot dangling in front of me in order to move forward. Even if I do manage the grab the carrot then there's an endless supply waiting to replace it. Then the speed of the treadmill increases.

So, I believe the very core of the program has nothing to do with ??. It's about who I am as a person and why I'm unable to just be happy for myself and just realize that I don't always need to chasing after some lofty goal. As lame as it sounds, I could probably definitely benefit by finding some inner peace.

Taking Action

In today’s day and age the lifestyle of the entrepreneur is more romanticized than ever. We all have been inundated by dreams of quitting our mundane day jobs to go off and create a successful startup overnight. I know several of my peers who love to do nothing more than talk about all the wonderful ideas they have. But, I took a step back and realized that’s exactly what the problem was -  all they were doing was talking.

The reality is that it is far easier to discuss our ideas than it is to take action. We’ve deluded ourselves into thinking that there is only a small gap between talking about an idea and realizing it. I’ve seen far too many cases where the same individuals who loved to share their “awesome” ideas with me gave up after a week of trying to implement them.

The point here is that the difficult part is not idea generation -  I believe that everyone is innately creative. Our imagination is a very powerful thing and  it doesn’t take much effort to come up with useful ideas. However, the real challenge is finding the time to transform these thoughts into something tangible despite the obligations of everyday life such as work, household chores and your significant other. It’s not the first step that’s the hardest - it’s actually the second.  

This is a problem that I’ve recently been struggling with. For the past month now, I’ve been planning to write a novel and, as such, have been spending my free time brainstorming ideas for it. At first, I felt like I was making decent progress because I was able to generate a lot of interesting plotlines. But I soon realized that I wasn’t really making much headway at all. Every time I sat down to actually begin writing I found myself unable to focus for long. I would make up excuses to myself because I didn’t want to face the difficult problem of transforming my idea into a real story. Ultimately,  I was  really just going around in circles because I was never able to motivate myself to get beyond that first step.

The bottom line is that I was too focused on the initial stage of the creative process. I thought just because I was able to come up with an idea it meant that I was almost done or further ahead than the average person. But that’s clearly not true. After thinking about it, I believe that what distinguishes  a successful person is  not the quality of their ideas but their determination and, hence, their ability to execute them. We are all capable of generating great ideas but very few of us have the determination to follow through and act on it. That is why most people just get stuck in this cycle of merely discussing their ideas but being unable to move beyond the confines of their everyday life and act on them.

So, my advice to everyone is to focus more on implementation instead of on idea generation. When you come across an idea that’s interesting don’t hesitate to take that next step towards success.

Internal Motivation

There are numerous reasons to be motivated in this world. Some of us are driven by the accumulation of wealth while others are propelled by an insatiable thirst for knowledge. But ultimately, our motivators fall into two broad categories — they are either internal or external. We are either motivated to accomplish certain goals because of our own internal beliefs or due to external influences such as society, family or friends. My goal in writing this article is to remind you that your own internal motivators will always be more reliable than external ones and far more instrumental to your success.

Of course, this seems natural at first — why would anyone not be motivated to do something they truly wanted for themselves? The answer is because of inertia. Inertia, as defined in physics, is the ability of any object to resist changes in its state/motion. If one applies the concept of inertia to their own life then things begin to make a lot more sense. Inertia is the reason why it seems so difficult to change your lifestyle especially when you don’t have a lot of external support. External support effectively reduces inertia — it’s easier to get started on a new journey when you have friends and family cheering you on.

Thus far, it seems like I’m doing a poor job defending the idea the idea that internal motivators are superior. But, let’s take a closer look at what external motivational really is. Being motivated by an external force means that the fuel which drives you is essentially the (positive) actions of others. But, we can’t fully control the actions of others — the only actions we can truly control are our own. As such, external motivators tend to influence you to rely less on your own mental strength and more on the positive feedback loop created by the praise of others. This leads one down a very dangerous path.

Essentially, living a life which hinges on external motivators is akin to taking a car on a road trip but having no control over when you can stop for fuel. If there’s a steep hill you need to climb then you better sincerely hope someone or something provides you with the fuel you need to overcome it. Sure, your friends and family might be supportive of your startup at first — but after a few months without any progress perhaps they’ll begin to give up hope. At that point, you need to rely on your own internal motivation to push through this obstacle and succeed. The bottom line is that if your energy comes from within then your success is less contingent on the actions of others and more on your own abilities.

I recently struggled with this conflict between internal and external motivators in my own life. I’ve always enjoyed playing sports, especially badminton, but for the last few months I decided to spend more time working out at the gym instead. The reason for this was, quite honestly, very external. Many of my co-workers go to the gym religiously and it kind of influenced me to start going with them as well. I enjoyed the feeling that came when my friends consistently told me I was looking more fit and in shape. But something happened when I went home for the Christmas break and didn’t interact with my usual circle of friends for a while — I stopped going to the gym for over a month.

The explanation behind my actions was quite simple — I just didn’t care enough on a personal level about going to the gym. Thus, when I encountered this first hurdle and my sense of external motivation was no longer there, this habit could not be sustained. On the other hand, when I came back from Christmas break, I started playing badminton again because it was an activity I legitimately enjoyed “deep down”. It didn’t matter that very few of my close friends or co-workers barely even understand what competitive badminton really is. At the end of the day, I felt more satisfied because I did it for me. After a few months, it’s clear to me now that I am much more dedicated about going to play badminton than I ever was about going to the gym.

At the end of the day, I’m a firm believer in the fact that true happiness comes from within. We don’t need to be told what should make us content — it’s something we are all innately aware of on an intrinsic level. You know when you’ve done a good job not because someone told you but due to the fact that you performed to the best of your ability. That is why you should always pursue what you believe in — even if the journey will be arduous. There are a plethora of examples where great individuals achieve success simply because they pursued a line of thinking that seemed unconventional at the time. They were able to preserve because of internal motivation — they truly believed in their cause even if no one else did.

Ultimately, both external and internal motivators can have a powerful effect on our actions. However, the difference between them is that internal motivators will always be more sustainable in the long run whereas the external motivators tend to be much more fickle. That is why one should not be afraid to overcome inertia and follow their true interests.