When am I going to start again?

I know a large problem with my core personality is that I have trouble letting things go or feeling undeserving. I feel that until I have an excellent job or a great academic career or have written a best-selling novel that I'm pretty worthless and don't even deserve to have fun or even pursue the thought of a relationship.

From some perspective, this makes sense. As Andrew Ng said in his recent sappy quora post, we need to think about how if we were able to accomplish all we wanted to today if the world would be a better place. In that sense, getting a gf or just even having fun seems to be pretty pointless. I've always had this puritan approach to life where I feel as if we are on the earth to be productive and don't deserve to have "fun" until we prove ourselves.

However, I'm unable to do this. I'm not a robot and I can't even abide to my own strict rules. So, I end up in this cycle of guilt and feeling bad whenever I do have fun or take a break. I wish I could just pick a path a stick to it - either the path of being determined/workaholic and forgoing everything else or the path of just living with a "normal" person who tries to balance learning with worldly pleasures. But right now, I'm just treading this line while simultaneously not really getting anywhere and hating myself.

Somehow, this was supposed to transition into me not being able to get over what happened with ?? even though it's the same kind of situation that has happened before with others. But I think that my problem is that I just want to have something to be chasing. Even if I had got ?? then I would always still be searching for the next thing. I'm like an idiot on a treadmill who needs that carrot dangling in front of me in order to move forward. Even if I do manage the grab the carrot then there's an endless supply waiting to replace it. Then the speed of the treadmill increases.

So, I believe the very core of the program has nothing to do with ??. It's about who I am as a person and why I'm unable to just be happy for myself and just realize that I don't always need to chasing after some lofty goal. As lame as it sounds, I could probably definitely benefit by finding some inner peace.