Updates November 2022 - The treadmill speed quickens

 So, I'm back in the 6ix after quite a long stint on the west coast. It feels a bit surreal to transition to life at home and, for what seems like the first time, I feel like I could actually see myself staying in CA long term. The past few months haven't really been what I expected but, one thing I will say, is that they have been filled with new experiences. From meeting J at badminton to interviewing with KJ and Nicole, I actually had a lot of new interactions and, consequently, probably focused less on work. 

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I finally got an offer from the prestigious AI research company ??. I probably won't take it though - most likely due to no remote work and the fact that the team isn't really doing what I want (more focused on applied applications vs. pure research) though I can't deny that it felt good for my ego. In some ways, I wish that I had got this offer like 3-4 years ago so I could have devoted more time to growing my career but, who knows? Maybe it would have been too political and I wouldn't have liked it anyway. If it was remote friendly then I might have considered it but it just doesn't seem like the right choice at this point.

One thing I did realize from my many interviews though is that I'm getting to the point in my career where I just want to focus on really doing interesting things. Most likely this means working for some kind of startup (such as GI - even though I didn't get a direct offer from them) or just exploring my own ideas about neurosymbolic learning. I mean, if I'm already financially stable enough to not have to worry about a corporate job then I should really optimize for my own learning, right? I think I'm just afraid to take that leap. I still believe the ideal thing for me to do is try to optimize financially by staying at ?? while having enough discipline to explore my own projects on the side. Once 2-3 years is up then I can definitely try to transition into working on my own projects full time.

The truth is that life is pretty short and if I'm already fortunate enough to be financially stable then I should just focus on legitimately doing interesting stuff rather than chasing prestige. While working at ?? could probably help me learn, I doubt it's going to be as efficient or "fun" as exploring my own ideas.

The last thing I wanted to mention is related to the fact of getting old and life passing me by in the blink of an eye. I hungout with A&C today downtown and realized that we've known each other for almost 8 years now. It's crazy to think that if I never went to play badminton at the Y then I never would have met them and we never would have kept in touch for so long. I guess it's a bit like chaos theory - how the small decisions can have ripple effects far later in our life. I feel like we've all grown up and done pretty well and, in some sense, I'm proud of us all. I hope we continue to keep in touch but, again, I'm starkly reminded me of the fact that I'm basically 30 now and I think the next few years are crucial if I want to pursue some risky research ideas. 

What else? Hmm, I guess I felt a bit down about not having anything work out romantically while I was back in CA but I'm not that worried about it. I think ultimately what bothers me nowadays is not spending enough time pursuing my research or creative hobbies rather than relationships - I already have enough friendships to maintain and if I was in a serious relationship as well then I'm worried I would be bitter about not having enough time to explore ideas anyway (I already feel that I don't have enough!).

In the end, I think this is all leading up to say that sooner or later (hopefully sooner), I need to take a leap of faith and give myself the chance to really dive into exploring new ideas or just join a startup. I don't know why I think I can have such a big impact, as I said in my conversion with C the night before I left (which was really nice btw), I'm not sure where this sense of hubris comes from. Why do I think I can make some important contribution to the AI field when I don't really have a track record of doing so? Maybe I shouldn't hold myself too accountable and just find pleasure in the journey but, the one thing I do know, is that I won't be happy unless I give myself the opportunity to try my best at it. 

Updates October 2022 - Closer to Truth

 It's been over a month since my last update but I finally have some time to write again. To set the scene, it's about 2am on Saturday night here - I didn't do too much today, just went to the BfTB tourney and then chatted on Discord with 'dre. It's fine though, the past few weekends have been so hectic that I was looking forward to a weekend with few commitments.

I didn't quite feel up to writing this blog post at first but realized that it's important - especially if I do have the time. Above all else, it's important to record this memory of who I was in this moment or else I'm scared it'll be lost forever as time progresses. You could say I'm too obsessed with the past but maybe I'm just scared of forgetting who I was and where I came from. I still don't believe that we should always be trying to live in the present moment - we need to reflect on our goals and motivation as we go through life. I still owe the high-school "me" a novel that promised to write and this sense of continuity is a big part of what makes us human (in my opinion, but who else's could it be?)

Anyway, on the more practical front, life has been busy with a plethora of interviews at (mostly) startups + finishing up Sudoku research with ??.  Though I didn't get as many offers as I hoped, I think I did make some interesting connections that might bear fruit later on and think I satisfied my curiosity about what's out there. I'm still waiting to hear back from DM which might be the most likely candidate for me to take (though it's not really a pure "startup" in that sense). I also realized that I really don't feel that interested in my current position/team especially in the longer term horizon (ie. next year). I think staying until the end of this year is fine (have some interesting projects to ramp up like RS) but staying next year really doesn't seem that useful from a growth point of view (though maybe from a financial point of view). Anyway, I just want to make this clear incase I do end up staying anyway and try to do some mental gymnastics to claim I really am OK with my current job.

To be fair, it's not so much that my current job is bad but rather that I'm just not learning much. Also, we only have a finite amount of time in life (and my long-term goal is to just move back to ??), so I want to spend it researching/studying topics I'm really interested in - such as more brain-inspired models for AI. This is doubly true if I have the financial cushion to do so - as I've always said to myself, there's no "prize" for just "surviving" or getting through life and having it be just OK. What really matters in the end is if you were proud of how you spent your time and felt that you were challenged by worthy goals (both mental and physical). 

Continuing this train of thought, I've also been more inspired on the philosophical side of things - such as reading science/philosophy books about the nature of existence. I don't want to come off as a pretentious intellectual or something - at the end of the day, no one really knows the why existence, well, "exists". But, it's interesting to ponder sometimes. Basically, the big overarching question of "Why is there something rather than nothing?". Some cool books I've read on this topic are "Our Mathematical Universe" (Max Tegmark) and just watching a lot of Closer to Truth videos on youtube. That being said, I'm still more of the "scientist" mindset myself and would rather spend my time on ideas which are within our grasp and can be tested via the scientific method. But, big questions are fun (and fill me with existential dread) to think about once in a while.

Hmm...what else? Dating has been going well, I was a bit annoyed after getting ghosted by Z when I thought we hit it off but things with R have actually been really nice. I'm still not sure if being in a relationship is really necessary for my happiness/fulfillment but I suppose it's worth exploring. I still kind of think that my cadence for spending time with an S.O. is probably just like 1-2 times a week and perhaps more for the sense of security rather than really caring that much about interacting. But, who knows, perhaps my view on such things will change in the future...

Anyway, I suppose that's it for now, for the next month I just want to focus on relaxing and catching up with friends. Hopefully spend time on more creative pursuits like writing (and continue to play badminton which is something I've come to really enjoy again). Overall, I would say life is pretty good right now but, as always, I can't stop being worried about the bigger picture and what (if anything) it all means. 

The Startup Experience

 So, I had my final onsite interview with ?? and unfortunately it seemed like they won't be making a concrete offer though there is potential to perhaps work with them in the new year. I've been mulling this over for a few days now, ever since I got the news, but I'm not really sure how I feel about it. On one hand, my ego is hurt as is common with any type of rejection (especially after putting so much time into something) but, from a different POV, I'm proud of how I performed technically and think this might be the right decision if they are genuinely looking for someone that's more excited about the company.

My hope is that writing this blog post will help me organize my thoughts. Of course, it doesn't really seem like my thoughts matter too much in any concrete way as a decision has pretty much already been made. It would be more interesting if the ball was in my court, if I was the one who got to decide whether to join them or stay at ??. But, there's no point in thinking about what could have been. I think one takeaway here is that I shouldn't have tried to predict what they would say before I had a concrete answer. It just made things harder to accept. Instead, I should be open to either possibility so I'll be less disappointed in the future.

Anyway, so what were the positive aspects of the experience? I think the whole atmosphere in their "office" was really nice - it was super bright and airy along with having a plethora of snacks and drinks. It felt like the stereotypical "startup" office and it was probably the kind of social setting I was looking for. The team (with the exception of ??, who I'll elaborate on later) was really chill and I felt I did connect with them at least from an intellectual POV. Though I probably should have seemed more curious and asked questions about the work itself - but I was also trying to focus on the onsite project so I'm not really sure if that was even possible given the time I had. But yeah, the social setting was definitely appealing and something I think I would have liked to experience.

What about the negatives? Ultimately, the day-to-day work didn't seem that interesting even if these folks were all passionate about what they were doing. It wasn't even clear to me that it'd be more intellectually stimulating than my current role though there were some cool avenues to explore. The WLB is also extremely chill lately so, despite what ?? said about things there, I feel like I would be compelled to work harder than I am now. To be honest, working hard is fine - especially if it's about a new topic or project I'm interested in. I guess one other red flag is that the working style did seem to be too micro-managed for me. Daily standups and progress reports along with weekly planning might have been too much.

Perhaps the biggest negative though was my interactions with ??. While he seemed to have similar interests as me, I don't think I really resonate with his abrupt and direct working style. It wasn't specific to me, but even just seeing how he talked to other members of the team or handled meetings made me a bit uncomfortable. He just didn't have that warmth in his behaviors that the typical "nice" person kind of does. Lastly, while I think the avenue of research the team is pursuing is promising, I'm not sure it's something I'm 100% passionate about. If I had infinite resources (time/money) then I would probably try to investigate things more related to building a smaller model of the brain and exploring alternatives to backprop. I hope I can still find the motivation to do this kind of project independent of whether I join a startup or not.

So yeah, that's that I suppose. I'm not sure if writing down my thoughts really helped but I think, if the decision was in my hands, I'd probably be slightly biased towards not taking it. While the team was quite nice and the social setting was appealing (though perhaps I should try to have a happy social life regardless of work), I'm not sure if my level of interest in the work was enough to be a founding member of the team. Maybe it's the best for both of us and I should accept that - though I am curious to hear N's feedback.

I guess the last meta-point is that I really really really shouldn't think I know how things are going to work out or the best course of action in my life. I got rejected by ?? (Seattle interview) during college, ?? when I was trying to leave ?? and ?? wasn't really on my radar. While this startup was the one I was eying for the longest time, maybe it wasn't a great fit for me and I should be OK with having my opinion change from when I first heard about them. The sign of a mentally strong person is someone who is able to change their initial opinion about a subject in light of new information, so I shouldn't be afraid in that sense.

I need to just keep my eyes open and have an open mind to see what else can come along...