Initially, I felt as if my reason for writing this blog was because I needed an emotional outlet after quitting my job and contemplating all the changes on the horizon. However, the reality is that I don't really feel emotional about it at all. In fact, like most large changes in life, it feels kind of surreal. It feels like I'm just on a vacation and that I'll be back to work in a few weeks or even days. I felt stupid when my dad asked me if I was excited about moving and I just shrugged in an ambiguous manner. For me, it's hard to feel excited about the prospective of something until I really get there and see how it is. Though, my dad's question did plant the seeds of doubt in my mind that maybe I don't want this change as much as I thought I did. Perhaps I would be more excited with the prospect of going to Stanford or what not. Honestly, I think it's just that my excitement of moving and starting anew is tainted by the reality of all the logistic barriers that I need to clear before I can really settle down.
But then again, does it really feel like that? When I think more deeply about my whole work experience it's almost like it never even happened and yet it's only been a few days. It worries me because it makes me question if my time there was really significant at all. As I was discussing with 3 the other day, if you don't have many memories about a certain event or time period in your life then perhaps nothing much of value really occurred. Though, perhaps I am confusing memories with feeling emotional.
I guess that's not to say I don't have memories from work. I thought I build genuine relationships with most of my co-workers and, from a technical standpoint, did gain a lot of new skills. I would even argue that over the past two years since I began renting in my place in downtown I've matured a lot. I learned how to cook and maintain a household on my own in addition to just learning more about what it means to cope in a non-academic environment. I've learned the importance of putting yourself out there to meet others and continuing to learn on your own time.
I think the root cause of my disappointment stems from the fact that I thought I'd be more emotional than I really am. Probably one of my flaws is that I'm not emotional enough and to compensate for that I try to inject emotions into situations that I THINK should be emotional instead of letting them arise naturally (like they did in situations related to ???). I suppose there's other explanations about why I don't feel that sad/emotional about leaving too - the most prominent one being that I was just tired of being there so it's almost like a relief.
Anyway, I wanted this post to be more concrete and less about mushy emotional feelings. My goal was to evaluate what went well about my first "real" job and what I could have done better so here goes.
I think what went well was that I genuinely bonded with my co-workers and that made work more enjoyable. I know it's a common observation but working with people who you like or can even stand being around makes a huge difference. To be honest, the other things that went well are mostly superficial - getting a Big 4 name on my resume and learning about system design. I do feel like I have a better grasp of important technologies and, as I mentioned in my email to my previous Sr. Manager, it's obvious that this position opened up new doors for me.
Nonetheless, I think there's a lot more to say about what didn't go well. Thinking back, I think it would have been optimally to leave or try to transfer teams after the initial re-org when it seems like things weren't going so great. I think the first 8-12 months were fine as I was learning about new systems and was being quite inquisitive. But somehow, that passion died down and I really spent the last 7-8 without much drive and while simultaneously applying to other jobs.
In retrospect, it would have been better to not sit on the fence. I think the whole crux of what I did incorrectly was not taking enough initiative. When you are feeling unhappy or apathetic about your job for a long enough period of time then the onus is really on you to change it (this is probably true about most situations in life). The flaw in my thinking was that I thought by just going with the flow that things would somehow get better - but if you never try to change direction you'll always just get swept away by the current (wao such analogy). What I'm saying is that as soon as I really realized there was an issue in how I felt about my current role I should have DONE something - whether it was seriously consider internal transfers, apply more aggressively for jobs or just quit and go back to school. I shouldn't have sat on the fence and essentially not make much progress for 7-8 months.
In fact, I feel like I got lucky and things only worked out by a pretty nice coincidence in that me securing my latest position lined up nicely with my annual review feedback which kind of brought all these problems to the surface. But, it shouldn't have even got to that point and I'd be scrambling pretty hard now if it wasn't for this coincidence. I should have confronted myself honestly about these questions earlier until of when I was forced to think about it due to external circumstances such as my review.
It might seem like I'm being hypercritical of myself. I don't think that my performance was terrible or that I was extremely lazy (neither did my co-workers or managers) but I also don't think it's worth spending your time on something you aren't driven to do or that's helping you reach where you want to be. I know some, maybe even most, individuals are fine with having satisfactory performance on a 9-5 job and then spending their leisure time at a bar/gym or whatever. But I've never really been a part of that school of thought. I believe that if you're going to do something for 40+ hours a week then it had better damn well be interesting to you or develop your skills in some way. Maybe that's idealistic especially since most jobs tend to get mundane or only train you for a specific role but that's why you need to "Keep looking, don't settle" (as Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement speech).
In some sense, I think it's fortunate I worked at a company where you need to be super-try hard to succeed or get promoted. It made me aware of all the politics that really go into whether you reach the next level and really hammered home the fact that the people who get promoted do so by a combination of luck, knowing how to play the game and their own determination. Thinking back, I see that G knew how to play the game when he switched teams to work on a more visible project and then got promoted to Sr. Of course, he works insanely hard and he is deserving of it. But there are others, like ??, who seem to almostI have gotten lucky with his visible project and it wasn't even technically challenging. But maybe I'm just being bitter - perhaps he just "made his own luck" by convincing others that he should really do this project and making the metrics look all nice and pretty. Either way, I do detest his "suck-up"/"try-hard" personality though perhaps that's only because I'm not that outgoing and it makes me jealous on a deeper level ?
Once again, it's probably a good thing I had some experience with poor project management practices and leadership qualities. I think it'll help me identify red flags in the future and, again, encourage me to take initiative and make a change or just quit and do something else. I do know that life is too short and too fragile to really waste time doing something you aren't really committed to especially once you've given it a fair shot (and I think your conscience will determine the criteria for that).
Anyway, I suppose the main takeaway is advice for me as I move onto new things. To firstly, always be critical and re-evalulate whether you are really enjoying what you are doing or not. Be vocal about your concerns and take initiative if you are unhappy about something. Lastly, don't just settle for the status quo - try to go do more than the average person not because you are being a "try-hard" but rather because what you're doing is interesting so you spend extra time on it.
The last thing I wanted to mention is that it's strange but I almost feel like I've become more lazy. At first I was worried but now I think it makes sense. What I mean is that, in school, I was so determined to get good marks just for the sake of it whereas others cared about doing well but being the best didn't really matter. However, in a work environment, I feel like I'm more of the latter personality type. It kind of scared me because, this might sound silly, it was as if I had used up all of my "determination" in school and now I just wanted to coast and relax. Perhaps, to a certain extent, that was true. I think I was pretty burned out after school and just wanted a more calm work environment, at least, initially.
Nonetheless, I also feel it's a positive change that I'm not just extremely determined to work hard at something just for the sake of it or because I like the feeling of getting promoted/recognized. I think I want my fuel and passion to come from the knowledge th0at I'm doing something I really enjoy and believe in - not because I'm following some predetermined steps to get recognition from others. As long as I have the ability to buckle down when I really care then I think that's the most important. But I suppose I don't want to end up with the same mentality as say, ???, who seems lazy and unable to really focus on anything.
So, while it was admirable that I was willing to work so hard in undergrad my memory of it is slightly tainted by the fact that I knew it was because I wanted recognition and validation instead of really liking the material or learning at times. I just wanted to continue getting those 100's on tests to feel good about myself but, in the end, that kind of achievement feels so transient. While being able to do something you aren't that into is an important skill (it's always about finding a happy medium) in it's own right I think it's almost important to learn to focus your energy on what really matters to you instead of working your hardest to chip away at any obstacle that appears in front of you. In short, the importance of choosing your battles is paramount as you get older.
nts: perhaps maybe last 3 paragraphs into another article
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