Well I guess it feels more real now. As I told desda today, I actually feel excited about something for the first time in a long time. I feel a sort of new energy here - the energy that comes with a new beginning and a clean slate. I feel motivated and I'm actually excited to go out and meet new people. I'm excited that my place seems really cool and that, despite her mood swings, that my mom is here to help me.
That being said some parts of it still don't feel real. There's times when I look out my window and think I'm still in Toronto and then it takes a second for my brain to process that I'm actually 2000 miles away. But, it's OK. There are times when I have an overwhelming feeling of existential dread when I think of Monday and my upcoming job and worry about why I didn't just choose to go to grad school and maybe this is all wrong.. But that's OK too.
There are times when I miss my friends in Windsor and Toronto but I realize that everyone has to move on. Even C is going off to university and you shouldn't stay in a place just expecting things will always be the same or because you are content there. My biggest hope is that I continue to grow and learn while I'm here.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Father's Day Thoughts
The last thing I wanted to mention is family. Or, more in particular, the fact that it's going to be Father's day on Sunday. It's weird because I actually think my dad and I have a lot of similarities - we're both quiet and enjoy reading classic novels for fun. But yet, we seem so different when it comes to our personalities - I try to be more cool and calm whereas my dad is anxious and hasty. We've even had some good conversations about the past and he can even be pretty rational sometimes. But there are times when I've seen a grumpy and annoyed side of him and I feel like that prevents our relationship from moving forward.
It's weird because I don't even feel that close to him. I hate to say it but I feel like we do everything for each other out of duty. My brother unfortunately feels that way too - like a stranger that I'm just going through the motions with. Though sometimes it is fun to hangout with him and just relax and play some video games. But with my mom and sister, I really feel like I care about them in a way that's unrelated to just the duty of "being" family. I actually enjoy hanging out with my mom and sister and despite the fact that they have their flaws too we just seem to connect on a deeper level.
In fact, I really respect my mom for all her patience and caring. She will go out of her way to help others even if she's tired or angry. While she does have a ton of her own issues, such as too much bragging or being narrow minded when it comes to a great deal of things, her personality overall is quite calm and I think that's a big reason why we get along. It's just strange because I feel like on paper my dad and I have so much more in common - both like math/engineering and reading but yet we just don't seem to "click" or have good conversations in real life. I guess it's just more evidence that we aren't always compatible with someone just b/c we have similar interests.
Nonetheless, I do regret how my relationship with my dad is. I feel like maybe he wants to be closer to me but lately it seems like I just keep pushing him away or talking to him less and less. But maybe he just feels like he should care out of duty of being my father...I don't know. I guess instead of just blogging about it then I should really go talk to him and get to know him which is probably the most logical course of action here. I just kind of feel bad because it's as if he never got to do what he wanted in life and always had responsibilities thrust upon him - whether it was working to keep our family stable or having to help kids move/graduate. I just wish that he could have a chance to do what he wanted. I realize that in comparison
to many others his life was not terrible but nonetheless I hope that somehow I can help him find peace.
This father's day I guess I'll make the resolution to try to get to know my dad more. Like, really get to know him more and not just do things out of duty. I'll try to have more patience and be less picky. But I do worry about when my mom is no longer here that I just won't feel close with the rest of my family - she's like the glue that holds us together and, honestly, I think that the rest of them are kind of annoying/impatient relative to her which makes me dislike them quite a bit at times. Sigh. I guess she wouldn't want that though. She would want me to be there to support and help others no matter what.
It's just unfortunate because I feel like my relationship with my dad does have potential but it's just unrealized or just broken because of how I viewed him as a grumpy/annoying figure in my childhood. I guess he tried but he didn't have that much of a big role. And I understand why. He was busy working or stressed with problems that my adolescent brain couldn't even comprehend at the time but it is what it is and all I can do is work on improving it moving forward.
It's weird because I don't even feel that close to him. I hate to say it but I feel like we do everything for each other out of duty. My brother unfortunately feels that way too - like a stranger that I'm just going through the motions with. Though sometimes it is fun to hangout with him and just relax and play some video games. But with my mom and sister, I really feel like I care about them in a way that's unrelated to just the duty of "being" family. I actually enjoy hanging out with my mom and sister and despite the fact that they have their flaws too we just seem to connect on a deeper level.
In fact, I really respect my mom for all her patience and caring. She will go out of her way to help others even if she's tired or angry. While she does have a ton of her own issues, such as too much bragging or being narrow minded when it comes to a great deal of things, her personality overall is quite calm and I think that's a big reason why we get along. It's just strange because I feel like on paper my dad and I have so much more in common - both like math/engineering and reading but yet we just don't seem to "click" or have good conversations in real life. I guess it's just more evidence that we aren't always compatible with someone just b/c we have similar interests.
Nonetheless, I do regret how my relationship with my dad is. I feel like maybe he wants to be closer to me but lately it seems like I just keep pushing him away or talking to him less and less. But maybe he just feels like he should care out of duty of being my father...I don't know. I guess instead of just blogging about it then I should really go talk to him and get to know him which is probably the most logical course of action here. I just kind of feel bad because it's as if he never got to do what he wanted in life and always had responsibilities thrust upon him - whether it was working to keep our family stable or having to help kids move/graduate. I just wish that he could have a chance to do what he wanted. I realize that in comparison
to many others his life was not terrible but nonetheless I hope that somehow I can help him find peace.
This father's day I guess I'll make the resolution to try to get to know my dad more. Like, really get to know him more and not just do things out of duty. I'll try to have more patience and be less picky. But I do worry about when my mom is no longer here that I just won't feel close with the rest of my family - she's like the glue that holds us together and, honestly, I think that the rest of them are kind of annoying/impatient relative to her which makes me dislike them quite a bit at times. Sigh. I guess she wouldn't want that though. She would want me to be there to support and help others no matter what.
It's just unfortunate because I feel like my relationship with my dad does have potential but it's just unrealized or just broken because of how I viewed him as a grumpy/annoying figure in my childhood. I guess he tried but he didn't have that much of a big role. And I understand why. He was busy working or stressed with problems that my adolescent brain couldn't even comprehend at the time but it is what it is and all I can do is work on improving it moving forward.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Farewell to the 6ix
The simple truth is that I thought I'd be more emotional about saying goodbye. But, as I reflect on the events of the past two years I somehow doubt they'll stand out in the grand scheme of my life. I feel like where I'm going now is a much bigger step and will affect my life and the person I'll become much more than the 6ix did.
It also seems like the past two years were a lull or a break before the real storm of changes. Nonetheless, I can definitely say that I've grown in ways that might not be recognizable to an outsider (I didn't get completely ripped by going to the gym and I'm not that much more rich/successful/a famous writer) but overall I certainly feel more mature and independent. I feel like I know what it means to have my own place and the responsibilities that come along with it. I'm also more aware of what the "9-5 grind" is really like along with the challenges that come with trying to pursue other hobbies/passions despite having a full time job.
I also gained a bit more experience into relationships (admittedly, not as much as I would have liked) along with developing the first real "close" relationships I've had since high school. Nonetheless, I think that I need to be more proactive about meeting new people in the future instead of clinging onto old friendships that make me feel secure. I want to explore and learn as much as I can.
I think a good analogy is that these last two years have been kind of like how you learn to ride a bike with training wheels first. I was able to learn what it's like to live alone in the "real world" but still always had support close by. But now, it's really time to take the training wheels off and venture out into the world. I'm glad I had this stepping stone though because I think that it would be a really difficult transition if I just left right away and I certainly would struggles with the feelings of being lost and unsure what to do. I feel like now I'll be able to move to a new place and hit the ground running which will hopefully lead to me getting into a good/productive routine from the start.
Working at a job that was also not my ideal choice was also a humbling experience and taught me that in life you can't always expect to get the perfect job/relationship on your first try. In some sense, the fact that I've failed many times before helps me appreciate the opportunity I have now even more and I'm proud of myself for working hard to get it.
The last thing I wanted to elaborate on is my relatively new friends. This weeks after I quit work, I spent more time hanging out with them and in the past year we've really become close. It sounds pretty sad to say but I think they are the only people I've ever opened up to about my whole high school life and past. While I've had "friends" in university they felt mostly self-contained - they only knew stuff about me that were related to university life. But these were really the first non-highschool friends (well, with the exception of J) that I felt really started to know who (I was. In a way, I feel stupid because it took so long for me to open up to others (and it's something I definitely need to work on in the future) but I'm glad I did.
In contrast, while the weeks spent hanging out almost everyday with friends was fun (and a relatively new experience) it also made me realize it's not a lifestyle I can be happy living. It was OK and made sense in this situation because I was leaving anyway and had free time but I don't think I can ever be one of those guys who just goes to the bar every day after work. After a while, you find yourself repeating the same topics or making the same jokes. In fact, I think what made me become so close with these guys was because we had a mutual activity we did together which was playing badminton and working out. This meant we could spend time in ways that didn't involve constantly talking to each other.
Nonetheless, I think I realize that I want to live a more motivated lifestyle and not just casually hangout with friends. While these past few months have been a nice hiatus from all the studying I did before I want to get back to focusing on hobbies - whether it's seriously going to the gym again, writing or even taking online classes. I want to be constantly moving forward and improving myself.
There's so much more I could still talk about with regard to the relationship dynamics between myself and my two "new" friends. I guess I'll just briefly mention that for the first time they made me feel kind of old/wise which was a new experience since usually I hangout with people my age and in the same stage of life that I'm at. It's kind of nice to realize that getting along with someone "transcends" the fact that you might not be at the same place in life - it's like we connected on a deeper level than that and just have the same personalities. Nonetheless, I can't deny that I felt almost like I had a mentoring role to them - especially with regards to helping with homework and just giving advice on life. I genuinely want to continue helping them in the future and hope they do well.
I guess I want to conclude by saying that despite the fact that I had like 3 weeks off there's still so many things I wanted to do before I left (like go to Wonderland or run a 10k together). But I realize that it's probably better to leave the sentiment of wishing you had more time instead of staying until you get saturated and fed up. I think the time I had was almost enough and, while it would have been nice to stay a bit longer, I could start to feel myself itching to do something new.
I think the old me would have treated such a big change differently. I would have lamented the fact that I didn't get to do/see everything I wanted. But now I realize that life will never work out so perfectly and sometimes you just have to appreciate the things you have for what they are instead of what you'd like them to be.
It also seems like the past two years were a lull or a break before the real storm of changes. Nonetheless, I can definitely say that I've grown in ways that might not be recognizable to an outsider (I didn't get completely ripped by going to the gym and I'm not that much more rich/successful/a famous writer) but overall I certainly feel more mature and independent. I feel like I know what it means to have my own place and the responsibilities that come along with it. I'm also more aware of what the "9-5 grind" is really like along with the challenges that come with trying to pursue other hobbies/passions despite having a full time job.
I also gained a bit more experience into relationships (admittedly, not as much as I would have liked) along with developing the first real "close" relationships I've had since high school. Nonetheless, I think that I need to be more proactive about meeting new people in the future instead of clinging onto old friendships that make me feel secure. I want to explore and learn as much as I can.
I think a good analogy is that these last two years have been kind of like how you learn to ride a bike with training wheels first. I was able to learn what it's like to live alone in the "real world" but still always had support close by. But now, it's really time to take the training wheels off and venture out into the world. I'm glad I had this stepping stone though because I think that it would be a really difficult transition if I just left right away and I certainly would struggles with the feelings of being lost and unsure what to do. I feel like now I'll be able to move to a new place and hit the ground running which will hopefully lead to me getting into a good/productive routine from the start.
Working at a job that was also not my ideal choice was also a humbling experience and taught me that in life you can't always expect to get the perfect job/relationship on your first try. In some sense, the fact that I've failed many times before helps me appreciate the opportunity I have now even more and I'm proud of myself for working hard to get it.
The last thing I wanted to elaborate on is my relatively new friends. This weeks after I quit work, I spent more time hanging out with them and in the past year we've really become close. It sounds pretty sad to say but I think they are the only people I've ever opened up to about my whole high school life and past. While I've had "friends" in university they felt mostly self-contained - they only knew stuff about me that were related to university life. But these were really the first non-highschool friends (well, with the exception of J) that I felt really started to know who (I was. In a way, I feel stupid because it took so long for me to open up to others (and it's something I definitely need to work on in the future) but I'm glad I did.
In contrast, while the weeks spent hanging out almost everyday with friends was fun (and a relatively new experience) it also made me realize it's not a lifestyle I can be happy living. It was OK and made sense in this situation because I was leaving anyway and had free time but I don't think I can ever be one of those guys who just goes to the bar every day after work. After a while, you find yourself repeating the same topics or making the same jokes. In fact, I think what made me become so close with these guys was because we had a mutual activity we did together which was playing badminton and working out. This meant we could spend time in ways that didn't involve constantly talking to each other.
Nonetheless, I think I realize that I want to live a more motivated lifestyle and not just casually hangout with friends. While these past few months have been a nice hiatus from all the studying I did before I want to get back to focusing on hobbies - whether it's seriously going to the gym again, writing or even taking online classes. I want to be constantly moving forward and improving myself.
There's so much more I could still talk about with regard to the relationship dynamics between myself and my two "new" friends. I guess I'll just briefly mention that for the first time they made me feel kind of old/wise which was a new experience since usually I hangout with people my age and in the same stage of life that I'm at. It's kind of nice to realize that getting along with someone "transcends" the fact that you might not be at the same place in life - it's like we connected on a deeper level than that and just have the same personalities. Nonetheless, I can't deny that I felt almost like I had a mentoring role to them - especially with regards to helping with homework and just giving advice on life. I genuinely want to continue helping them in the future and hope they do well.
I guess I want to conclude by saying that despite the fact that I had like 3 weeks off there's still so many things I wanted to do before I left (like go to Wonderland or run a 10k together). But I realize that it's probably better to leave the sentiment of wishing you had more time instead of staying until you get saturated and fed up. I think the time I had was almost enough and, while it would have been nice to stay a bit longer, I could start to feel myself itching to do something new.
I think the old me would have treated such a big change differently. I would have lamented the fact that I didn't get to do/see everything I wanted. But now I realize that life will never work out so perfectly and sometimes you just have to appreciate the things you have for what they are instead of what you'd like them to be.
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