The last thing I wanted to mention is family. Or, more in particular, the fact that it's going to be Father's day on Sunday. It's weird because I actually think my dad and I have a lot of similarities - we're both quiet and enjoy reading classic novels for fun. But yet, we seem so different when it comes to our personalities - I try to be more cool and calm whereas my dad is anxious and hasty. We've even had some good conversations about the past and he can even be pretty rational sometimes. But there are times when I've seen a grumpy and annoyed side of him and I feel like that prevents our relationship from moving forward.
It's weird because I don't even feel that close to him. I hate to say it but I feel like we do everything for each other out of duty. My brother unfortunately feels that way too - like a stranger that I'm just going through the motions with. Though sometimes it is fun to hangout with him and just relax and play some video games. But with my mom and sister, I really feel like I care about them in a way that's unrelated to just the duty of "being" family. I actually enjoy hanging out with my mom and sister and despite the fact that they have their flaws too we just seem to connect on a deeper level.
In fact, I really respect my mom for all her patience and caring. She will go out of her way to help others even if she's tired or angry. While she does have a ton of her own issues, such as too much bragging or being narrow minded when it comes to a great deal of things, her personality overall is quite calm and I think that's a big reason why we get along. It's just strange because I feel like on paper my dad and I have so much more in common - both like math/engineering and reading but yet we just don't seem to "click" or have good conversations in real life. I guess it's just more evidence that we aren't always compatible with someone just b/c we have similar interests.
Nonetheless, I do regret how my relationship with my dad is. I feel like maybe he wants to be closer to me but lately it seems like I just keep pushing him away or talking to him less and less. But maybe he just feels like he should care out of duty of being my father...I don't know. I guess instead of just blogging about it then I should really go talk to him and get to know him which is probably the most logical course of action here. I just kind of feel bad because it's as if he never got to do what he wanted in life and always had responsibilities thrust upon him - whether it was working to keep our family stable or having to help kids move/graduate. I just wish that he could have a chance to do what he wanted. I realize that in comparison
to many others his life was not terrible but nonetheless I hope that somehow I can help him find peace.
This father's day I guess I'll make the resolution to try to get to know my dad more. Like, really get to know him more and not just do things out of duty. I'll try to have more patience and be less picky. But I do worry about when my mom is no longer here that I just won't feel close with the rest of my family - she's like the glue that holds us together and, honestly, I think that the rest of them are kind of annoying/impatient relative to her which makes me dislike them quite a bit at times. Sigh. I guess she wouldn't want that though. She would want me to be there to support and help others no matter what.
It's just unfortunate because I feel like my relationship with my dad does have potential but it's just unrealized or just broken because of how I viewed him as a grumpy/annoying figure in my childhood. I guess he tried but he didn't have that much of a big role. And I understand why. He was busy working or stressed with problems that my adolescent brain couldn't even comprehend at the time but it is what it is and all I can do is work on improving it moving forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment