IPO Thoughts

 The blog is meant to record milestones and I guess the IPO is a pretty significant one. Honestly, I'm sure it would have been a lot more special if it wasn't COVID times but there was still a nice charm to it. Waking up at 9am, seeing the video of the hosts ringing the bell, seeing the news talk about the build up to the opening and how it could be like 150, figuring out Fidelity and how to trade and then finally Brian's finally speech about belonging and how he cares.

In some ways, I feel it's well deserved. I'm pretty cynical/jaded about the company now but when I hear Brian speak somehow I feel invigorated in our mission. As I was saying to P, I think it's a really nice end to a tough year - from layoffs in the summer to a record breaking IPO at the end of the year. In some ways, today felt like the opposite of "layoff" day (where it was filled with dread and anxiety) instead being filled with giddiness and excitement.

I guess I also feel more sure now about it being time to leave or try something new. The only thing really holding me back is the $$ thing (in the sense that I'm leaving a lot of it on the table if the stock price holds) but I'm not sure that should really be a factor. I've already been blessed to be pretty successful financially due to this IPO and I should probably try to optimize for different things now.

It is crazy sometimes when I see those numbers in my Fidelity account but, at the end of the day, I've never been a person driven by money. In fact, I've donated more this year (~10k) than I have in any other year and I feel proud of myself for it. Ultimately, even if I did "become rich" I would like to use my money as a way to invest and help other people like Dr. George in the Daughters of Destiny documentary (trying to use full names here if I ever go back and read this in the future).

But, who knows? Maybe it makes more sense to ride out this wave of financial success and collect enough money to retire later. But how much is enough? Especially if I'm not happy or think work is boring? Is it 1m? 3m? 4m? I should probably set a cutoff or else I'll just always be chasing a moving target as I discussed with gary.

For now, it feels nice to celebrate. I have worked hard at this company more so than any other place in the past (and been rewarded for it which did create a nice feedback loop) so it's a real pleasure to see things work out. That being said, I think all phases of life must come to an end so I shouldn't just let golden handcuffs shackle me here. But who knows...there's still so much to see.

Election 2020 Thoughts

 May we live in interesting times.

It certainly has been, to be generous, an interesting year. Covid-19 has already changed how almost everyone lives their life (and has given us a moment to step back and reflect) and now we're dealing with the effects of one of the most controversial presidential elections in the past decade.

I don't really blog about politics much (or ever) but I feel like it might be interesting to record my political views here in case things ever change in the future. In general, living in CA has kind of made me dislike the ultra liberal folks who I think are definitely going too hard along principles of diversity, cancel culture etc. I never really thought Trump was as bad as folks made him out to be - never felt he was like the anti-christ or "literally Hitler". I think at the end of the day, just like Emmanuel Goldstein in 1984, it's just easy for people to have a figurehead to hate. It's easy for people to reduce the 200k+ dead from coronavirus at Trump's failings instead of many other failings on the state and local level.

Anyway, I wouldn't call myself a trump supporter by any means but I thought he was probably fine. He's definitely an asshole in some sense, says mean things and makes fun of others. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter how the president makes me feel but rather what he does (by the same token, it doesn't really matter that Obama was a good president because he was "cool" as Eric Weinstein said on Twitter). Ultimately he didn't start any new wars and lowered taxes so all in all it's not too bad from a policy perspective. I've said if we had a candidate who had the same policies/views as Trump but was more well spoken then I think they'd be pretty great.

But the thing that really changed my mind from being "meh" about Trump to being disapproving is constant attempts to undermine democracy by claiming voter fraud and lawsuits. Now, if he has real evidence and the courts side with him then I'll believe it. But the truth is that right now he just seems like a spoiled guy who can't let go of the power he once had. 

The last thing I wanted to mention is that the other reason I feel apathetic about whether Trump or Biden wins is merely because I think both of them don't have the foresight/drive to solve the main issues facing the upcoming generation namely climate change and automation. I think we might be on a path to disaster because of these two things and, in some sense, it doesn't matter which candidate we pick because they won't do enough to stop it (though maybe there's better things we can do like try to raise awarenes son our own or do my scientific research).

Anyway, that's my brain dump for now.

Perspectives on Being Home

These last few weeks have been quite a whirlwind but now I'm (hopefully) safely back home for now. I'm quarantining and sometimes feel paranoid about COVID (feel like I'm cold/have a fever somedays) but on the whole I think I'll be OK.

At first I feel a bit annoyed about leaving SF so abruptly but quickly got over it when realizing that it was my decision to go back and it driven was due to factors outside of my control (not having any other reasonable flights back before last Wednesday). In some sense, when I read the news and hear about all that's going on in the world I feel glad to be home with family.

That being said, my time back in SF was pretty great. Maybe it's because I knew it was limited but I felt like I really hungout with people a lot - especially F and K along with other old friends like J and N. I realized that I am probably happiest when I am alone and have my own space to think and work though, of course, it would be ideal to have family close by in case I need them. Funnily enough, it's only because I knew I was leaving that I was so social - it's like we need a forcing function sometimes to really motivate us to do things.

I also wanted to mention M (iranian girl) who at first was a large factor in me being salty about leaving so early. I'm not sure if my logic is just muddled by her being the first girl I've kind of gone with a date on and liked in a while, but I felt let down by the fact that we didnt' really have time to establish a solid relationship wbefore I had to leave. Of course, we can still keep in touch and try to pick things up where we left off when I return in the new year but who knows? I guess one thing I've learned about life is sometimes all the timelines aren't going to line up so neatly and you just need to deal with it.

But I do really care about her or think there's a future there? Or am I just motivated by the thought of FOMO in the sense that the idea of "not knowing" is what eats away at me but really when I have the opportunity I didn't think she was all that great. I do feel like a theme in my life is a lot of guilt/regret coming from "not knowing" but sometimes we just need to accept that's how things are. And if I really think it's worth pursuing then I can always tell her that. I don't want this to be another ?? situation where I can't let go for 3-4 years despite the fact that I went super far with it in her case (asking her out and getting rejected). In hindsight, I should have been more than comfortable moving on after that and it's probably one of my biggest mistakes in the past few years.

What else? Oh, I finally got my ?? approved though I haven't told anyone yet. It feels like it should be a big cause for celebration but I feel more businesslike about it and I'm already thinking of the next steps. But I think I should give myself some time to just appreciate my victories/good things that happen to me once in a while and enjoy the moment. Though, I'm still not sure what the future will hold in terms of going back to the states or Canada or whatever long term. I think I realize that being here for ~6 months in the summer made me understand I won't really be happy at home for an extended period of time (unless the world gets so bad that that's the only realistic option) just because it's so difficult to meet people or do new things. Though I guess I need to work with what I have (being at home) and try to focus more on other tasks like writing or reading papers now that I have more free time.

I think the ?? thing is a good segue into this idea of moving on (from my current position). I think sometimes you just know when the time is right to move on and it seems like all the pieces are falling into place - Prashant leaving, getting my ??, the upcoming IPO etc. I was thinking seriously about doing something neuroscience related afterwards - like  Neuralink or just taking related courses at Stanford and figuring out what I want to do from there.

Neuroscience does seem appealing to me right now. I realized it's a call back to my first year uni days working with Dr. Rose and, in that sense, it might be a good move which "connects the dots" so to speak. The other options would be something in the space industry, VR related or a startup with ?? (I know, I'm an idiot for saying this but the idea of it still makes me kind of giddy...). Either way, I think all the signs are there that it's time for me to do something new. I am scared given the state of the world right now but maybe I can see how things go in the new year as well...no point living your life in fear and being too scared of change. To be honest, I don't even think my fear is specifically stemming from the pandemic but rather the fact that I feel too "settled" in SF - I have a good friend group, know all the places to go, have a nice apartment. But life isn't meant to be lived just in a comfortable state - you always need to be in a state of struggle/suffering to really make progress (David Goggin's philosophy) and I do somewhat believe that. 

I feel like I've "beat" the game of climbing the Comp sci career ladder and getting "rich". I'd like to play a new game or have a new goal most likely one that involves helping others or making some fundamental contribution to science/engineering and that helps drive society forward. Is this too naive? Probably. Maybe I'll end up down a more conventional path anyway - like getting married and having a family/kids. It seems like smarter people than me have ended up on that path anyway so maybe I'm just fooling myself. Nonetheless, only time will tell.

Going Beneath the Surface

Freud once said that our conscious thoughts are the tip of the iceberg of what's really going on in our mind. I remember hearing about this a long time back, probably in this high school psychology class but it's only in recent years that I've realized how through it is.

Sometimes, I notice that when I'm having a kind of inner conflict with myself about something I did or something I felt, it's like I can feel this internal conflict happening beneath the surface but only very small portions bubble up and result in either feelings of sadness or me just generally feeling annoyed but not deeply understanding why.

I think what I to do is actually understand myself better - to understand why I'm feeling the way I am sometimes and probably the way to do that is through more deliberate thoughts and introspection. I don't want to go around feeling like I'm on auto-pilot and occasionally getting a "transmission" from activity buried despite inside my brain that I can't even decipher.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk about this was because I was having some internal conflict this weekend. I went on a date with someone who I thought was a pretty great girl - she was pretty cute, seemed kind and we got along. But, I feel like whenever I go on dates or think about relationships there's also this conflict about why am I doing this? Am I just doing it because I think it's what society wants me to do? Do I actually care about having a girlfriend? Sometimes, it feels like I don't care about having someone to talk or do things with on a regular basis. I don't really care about travelling to exotic places or baking which were some of the hobbies she mentioned having. I'm interested in writing and, more generally, working to build something that I feel really uses all my potential (and hopefully helps others like I've mentioned in a previous blog post about purpose).

But yet, I know there's a part of me that wants this kind of normalcy. I mean, there has to be right? Or else I wouldn't be going on these kind of dates, feeling excitement etc. There's also the more practical part of me which realizes that after my parents die it would be nice to have someone else who cares when times are hard (and, in turn, I would care for them). In this case, it feels more like a businesslike transaction or maybe just evolutionary - caring about a few other people probably helps our survival rate overall.

I'm worried that I'm just shutting down the idea of a relationship too quickly - that I'm afraid just because it might be something new. That I'm making these excuses about how shes kind of basic and we aren't compatible just because I'm scared that maybe I could enjoy travelling or baking or new opportunities. After all, if I were to be with someone exactly like myself then there wouldn't be any opportunities for growth? 

In that sense, I feel like I'm still very close minded. I have my way of doing things (which mostly consists of being alone and seeing friends maybe once or twice a week), my own opinions on what's worth my time or not and my own thoughts about what would make a meaningful life. Maybe I shouldn't be so sure of myself - maybe I should try to explore new things. But, of course, in the end I have to live life on my own terms - there's no bonus points for following the "traditional" path set by society if that's not what makes you happy.

The Fear of Living Without A Purpose

 I've been trying to make an effort to blog more regularly and I have a backlog of things I'd like to write. Some blogs, like this one, are more about recording memories that I'm worried somehow I'll forget in the future. It's also about recording who I am at a given point in time, I guess it's funny because sometimes I feel like the person I am today is nothing like that kid I knew in highschool, college or even when I started working. But it's all part of a continuous transformation and it's actually very interesting to remember that.

Anyway, I wanted to record a memory about how, ever since I could remember having conscious thought, I was always worried/scared about what my "purpose" was. I remember telling my parents I had a "sad feeling" as a kid (seriously) and didn't quite know how to explain it. I remember worrying a whole evening in my room about what "heaven" would be like and how to wrestle with the concept of infinity in general. What would it mean to just live in "heaven" eternally? What would people do? Would I get bored there?

Also, from a young age, I recall being worried about a lack of purpose or goal in whatever I was doing. Even back to "structures" class in kindergarten when there was no clear goal for the 30 mins because you were able to just build random shapes with wooden blocks or whatever. I literally remember crying about it because I didn't know what to fill out in the sheet we had to fill out at the end of the day or whatever. In that sense, maybe I haven't changed and maybe I'll still just searching for someone or something to give me a nice, clear purpose. Maybe those are just the circumstances under which I do best - though isn't that depressing? I will admit that even now I think I do my best work when I have a somewhat vague problem to be solved but yet there's a clear goal nonetheless. I think I have more discipline than the average person and can focus and get things done.

Anyway, the harsh truth is probably that the only meaning we can ascribe to life is the one we created ourselves. No one is going to tell us what it is because, the truth is, no one really knows (unless there's some bigger meaning to human existence like we're a simulation or an experiment) and it seems like a conclusion each individual has to determine on their own anyway.

But yeah, just wanted to record this as I thought it's an interesting memory. The point is, I don't know about others, but these struggles about purpose, meaning and infinity are clearly something I've been wrestling with since the earliest days of my life and probably for the rest of it too. But maybe that's just how it should be - maybe it would be worse to become complacent all in pursuit of some false goal set by "society" and not truly by myself.

Nighttime Routines

 No, this post isn't about fapping.

I've never considered myself to be one of those people who need to listen to music all the time. I know some folks who constantly need to have their earphones out when they do basic tasks such as walking to work, being in an uber, doing work. For me, the only time I enjoy listening to music is when I'm either doing the dishes/cooking (when it's just nice background noise) and late at night to wind down before bed.

For this night time ritual, I usually just turn off all the lights and close my eyes and sit in my computer chair. And then I just listen. I feel that nowadays, most people don't really listen to music and the message it has. But it's a nice feeling when you really do.

So what do I listen to? The interesting part, and the reason I wanted to make this post, is because my taste in music has changed over the years. I remember in high school, I used to be more into songs that talk about being in love and all aspects of it. Of course, I still think those are great songs (like R&B tracks by Usher) but they don't really resonate with me in the same way anymore. Maybe it's because I've gotten more cynical and jaded about the world - or maybe it's because I was naive back in the day and this idea of "being in love" was just what was being sold to us through this media.

Anyway, I guess for the past 4-5 years or so I've been more into listening to songs that tell a general story, usually about a struggle about some individual's journey or reminiscing on the past. Two ones that immediately come to mind are "Money Trees" by Kendrick and "All of the Lights" by Kayne. I think both of these are phenomenal tracks and there's a real story there - about life and the trials that come along with it. Maybe it's a reflection of the fact that I too am thinking about the journey in my life and where I still need to go.

Sometimes, I also think about the fact that I rarely discover new music nowadays. I have about 1k tracks on Spotify and just listen to those on shuffle which, realistically, is probably enough diversity. I feel that the type of music you end up liking will always be biased towards your formative years such as in middle school/high school/early college. But maybe this is also just a character trait of my own and not something I should be projecting onto the general population - maybe this is just more evidence of my own bad habits about holding onto the past for new long instead of going out and discovering new things.

What would make a fulfilling life ?

[Note] It's been a long time since I published a blog but just in case my whole 3 readers actually care, I'm going to start making some private ones public again (with names/places mostly redacted). Maybe someone will find it interesting one day...

It was actually a pretty relaxing weekend. I was here and we all sat down to watch Daughters of Destiny on Netflix for 4 hours which is basically just a documentary about this wealthy guy who took it upon himself to built a school in India for the underprivileged. It helped me to reflect on my values and what was important to me in life - I've always wanted to help others and I think if I was able to complete a project like Dr. George then I would feel like my life was very fulfilling and the time I spent living it would seem worthwhile.

Thinking about it more concretely, I think the only "real" worthwhile things one can do to have a fulfilling life are:

1.) Create some art form of great value (that captures a generation or a major theme - such as 1984 or House for Mr Biswas or Rabbit Run)

2.) Make some fundamental discovery in science/technology or advance engineering/build useful infrastructure.

3.) Educate and help others who are underprivileged 

I think beyond that, nothing else really matters when it comes to living a fulfilling life. Of course, just from a statistics point of view, not everyone can make some major contribution to society but what's important is to view it as a goal that you strive towards. I do believe that our time and presence on earth is a rare gift and we should utilize it the best that we can.

Of course, I don't want to see it as a chore. I want to see it as my mission and something that I enjoy - while it's fun to sometimes just relax and play video games, I think without an over-aching goal to work towards I would easily get depressed.

Another thing that documentary did is make me question my current situation in life. I'm not so naive to think that I'm doing something fundamental or amazing for society - I think it's a decent product and has some usefulness to people (unlike, say, FB which is kind of evil). But, when I think about what I really wanted it was more about just like chasing the prestige of a fancy ML job and for my own ego and to solve interesting technical problems. However, more and more, I'm starting to think that I'm over that phase now - I wrote a paper and by doing so I've proved to myself I can win at that game so why not try something else ?

Maybe that new game is about working on more fundamental research in AI, maybe it's something completely different like VR, maybe it's about finishing a story that I'm actually proud of and can get published. It could be a lot of things - but I think it's time to do something new. I was waiting for a sign and now that ?? announced he was leaving today I think it's time for me to seriously consider moving on as well.

Why does anything exist at all?

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Now for a much more metaphysical and abstract blog post about a question that's been in the back of my mind for a long time. I’ve spend a somewhat embarrassing amount of time wondering why the universe exists. Why do conscious beings exist? Who created the universe ? What came before the universe?

Of course, I realize that questions such as “who created the universe, or what came before the universe” might have no meaning in the sense that they are “outside” of time or just that boundary conditions don’t need to be defined. I guess what I wanted to talk more about in the post is that…there’s really no answer that would satisfy me. Even if the answer is god/alien race created us or like we’re just a simulation experiment for some alien race…would that change how I live my life? Would that change what anyone does? We have freedom of thought (or so we think) and we’re conscious beings…we seem to have the right to decide on our own purpose.

In some ways, I think this need for an answer just reveals my own insecurities rather than just my own smug intellectual curiosity. I want to be told what my/our collective purpose was so that I don’t need to seek it out for myself. But there’s not really any answer that could ever satisfy me? Let’s say, I found out we were a simulation created by some alien race. So what? I still only know the confines in which I live/exist…I guess it’s weird because maybe just the act of knowing such a thing (that we live in a simulation) would require me to break out of this mould of thinking so it’s impossible to say.

Anyway, it still begs the question of why would an alien race exist at all? Which goes back to the ultimate question of why does “anything” (ie. conscious beings) exist at all? Obviously, if we did not, then no one would be answer to observe it and ask this question (anthropomorphic principle or whatever). But maybe another satisfying answer is really that we aren’t lucky/special and rather everything exists – all possible configurations and most are just dead/empty universes (multiverse theory). It’s still weird though…it’s like I need an answer for why existence exists. I’m sure there must be an answer, even if it’s outside the scope of human understanding…but it’s like the reason I want an answer is just to know how to live my life. But it doesn’t matter. I need to live on my own terms and make the best of what I have. But I’m still insanely curious…I hope I can find out once this life is over but I’m pretty sure that’s just wishful thinking.