Freud once said that our conscious thoughts are the tip of the iceberg of what's really going on in our mind. I remember hearing about this a long time back, probably in this high school psychology class but it's only in recent years that I've realized how through it is.
Sometimes, I notice that when I'm having a kind of inner conflict with myself about something I did or something I felt, it's like I can feel this internal conflict happening beneath the surface but only very small portions bubble up and result in either feelings of sadness or me just generally feeling annoyed but not deeply understanding why.
I think what I to do is actually understand myself better - to understand why I'm feeling the way I am sometimes and probably the way to do that is through more deliberate thoughts and introspection. I don't want to go around feeling like I'm on auto-pilot and occasionally getting a "transmission" from activity buried despite inside my brain that I can't even decipher.
Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk about this was because I was having some internal conflict this weekend. I went on a date with someone who I thought was a pretty great girl - she was pretty cute, seemed kind and we got along. But, I feel like whenever I go on dates or think about relationships there's also this conflict about why am I doing this? Am I just doing it because I think it's what society wants me to do? Do I actually care about having a girlfriend? Sometimes, it feels like I don't care about having someone to talk or do things with on a regular basis. I don't really care about travelling to exotic places or baking which were some of the hobbies she mentioned having. I'm interested in writing and, more generally, working to build something that I feel really uses all my potential (and hopefully helps others like I've mentioned in a previous blog post about purpose).
But yet, I know there's a part of me that wants this kind of normalcy. I mean, there has to be right? Or else I wouldn't be going on these kind of dates, feeling excitement etc. There's also the more practical part of me which realizes that after my parents die it would be nice to have someone else who cares when times are hard (and, in turn, I would care for them). In this case, it feels more like a businesslike transaction or maybe just evolutionary - caring about a few other people probably helps our survival rate overall.
I'm worried that I'm just shutting down the idea of a relationship too quickly - that I'm afraid just because it might be something new. That I'm making these excuses about how shes kind of basic and we aren't compatible just because I'm scared that maybe I could enjoy travelling or baking or new opportunities. After all, if I were to be with someone exactly like myself then there wouldn't be any opportunities for growth?
In that sense, I feel like I'm still very close minded. I have my way of doing things (which mostly consists of being alone and seeing friends maybe once or twice a week), my own opinions on what's worth my time or not and my own thoughts about what would make a meaningful life. Maybe I shouldn't be so sure of myself - maybe I should try to explore new things. But, of course, in the end I have to live life on my own terms - there's no bonus points for following the "traditional" path set by society if that's not what makes you happy.
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