At first I feel a bit annoyed about leaving SF so abruptly but quickly got over it when realizing that it was my decision to go back and it driven was due to factors outside of my control (not having any other reasonable flights back before last Wednesday). In some sense, when I read the news and hear about all that's going on in the world I feel glad to be home with family.
That being said, my time back in SF was pretty great. Maybe it's because I knew it was limited but I felt like I really hungout with people a lot - especially F and K along with other old friends like J and N. I realized that I am probably happiest when I am alone and have my own space to think and work though, of course, it would be ideal to have family close by in case I need them. Funnily enough, it's only because I knew I was leaving that I was so social - it's like we need a forcing function sometimes to really motivate us to do things.
I also wanted to mention M (iranian girl) who at first was a large factor in me being salty about leaving so early. I'm not sure if my logic is just muddled by her being the first girl I've kind of gone with a date on and liked in a while, but I felt let down by the fact that we didnt' really have time to establish a solid relationship wbefore I had to leave. Of course, we can still keep in touch and try to pick things up where we left off when I return in the new year but who knows? I guess one thing I've learned about life is sometimes all the timelines aren't going to line up so neatly and you just need to deal with it.
But I do really care about her or think there's a future there? Or am I just motivated by the thought of FOMO in the sense that the idea of "not knowing" is what eats away at me but really when I have the opportunity I didn't think she was all that great. I do feel like a theme in my life is a lot of guilt/regret coming from "not knowing" but sometimes we just need to accept that's how things are. And if I really think it's worth pursuing then I can always tell her that. I don't want this to be another ?? situation where I can't let go for 3-4 years despite the fact that I went super far with it in her case (asking her out and getting rejected). In hindsight, I should have been more than comfortable moving on after that and it's probably one of my biggest mistakes in the past few years.
What else? Oh, I finally got my ?? approved though I haven't told anyone yet. It feels like it should be a big cause for celebration but I feel more businesslike about it and I'm already thinking of the next steps. But I think I should give myself some time to just appreciate my victories/good things that happen to me once in a while and enjoy the moment. Though, I'm still not sure what the future will hold in terms of going back to the states or Canada or whatever long term. I think I realize that being here for ~6 months in the summer made me understand I won't really be happy at home for an extended period of time (unless the world gets so bad that that's the only realistic option) just because it's so difficult to meet people or do new things. Though I guess I need to work with what I have (being at home) and try to focus more on other tasks like writing or reading papers now that I have more free time.
I think the ?? thing is a good segue into this idea of moving on (from my current position). I think sometimes you just know when the time is right to move on and it seems like all the pieces are falling into place - Prashant leaving, getting my ??, the upcoming IPO etc. I was thinking seriously about doing something neuroscience related afterwards - like Neuralink or just taking related courses at Stanford and figuring out what I want to do from there.
Neuroscience does seem appealing to me right now. I realized it's a call back to my first year uni days working with Dr. Rose and, in that sense, it might be a good move which "connects the dots" so to speak. The other options would be something in the space industry, VR related or a startup with ?? (I know, I'm an idiot for saying this but the idea of it still makes me kind of giddy...). Either way, I think all the signs are there that it's time for me to do something new. I am scared given the state of the world right now but maybe I can see how things go in the new year as well...no point living your life in fear and being too scared of change. To be honest, I don't even think my fear is specifically stemming from the pandemic but rather the fact that I feel too "settled" in SF - I have a good friend group, know all the places to go, have a nice apartment. But life isn't meant to be lived just in a comfortable state - you always need to be in a state of struggle/suffering to really make progress (David Goggin's philosophy) and I do somewhat believe that.
I feel like I've "beat" the game of climbing the Comp sci career ladder and getting "rich". I'd like to play a new game or have a new goal most likely one that involves helping others or making some fundamental contribution to science/engineering and that helps drive society forward. Is this too naive? Probably. Maybe I'll end up down a more conventional path anyway - like getting married and having a family/kids. It seems like smarter people than me have ended up on that path anyway so maybe I'm just fooling myself. Nonetheless, only time will tell.
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