Perspectives on Being Home

These last few weeks have been quite a whirlwind but now I'm (hopefully) safely back home for now. I'm quarantining and sometimes feel paranoid about COVID (feel like I'm cold/have a fever somedays) but on the whole I think I'll be OK.

At first I feel a bit annoyed about leaving SF so abruptly but quickly got over it when realizing that it was my decision to go back and it driven was due to factors outside of my control (not having any other reasonable flights back before last Wednesday). In some sense, when I read the news and hear about all that's going on in the world I feel glad to be home with family.

That being said, my time back in SF was pretty great. Maybe it's because I knew it was limited but I felt like I really hungout with people a lot - especially F and K along with other old friends like J and N. I realized that I am probably happiest when I am alone and have my own space to think and work though, of course, it would be ideal to have family close by in case I need them. Funnily enough, it's only because I knew I was leaving that I was so social - it's like we need a forcing function sometimes to really motivate us to do things.

I also wanted to mention M (iranian girl) who at first was a large factor in me being salty about leaving so early. I'm not sure if my logic is just muddled by her being the first girl I've kind of gone with a date on and liked in a while, but I felt let down by the fact that we didnt' really have time to establish a solid relationship wbefore I had to leave. Of course, we can still keep in touch and try to pick things up where we left off when I return in the new year but who knows? I guess one thing I've learned about life is sometimes all the timelines aren't going to line up so neatly and you just need to deal with it.

But I do really care about her or think there's a future there? Or am I just motivated by the thought of FOMO in the sense that the idea of "not knowing" is what eats away at me but really when I have the opportunity I didn't think she was all that great. I do feel like a theme in my life is a lot of guilt/regret coming from "not knowing" but sometimes we just need to accept that's how things are. And if I really think it's worth pursuing then I can always tell her that. I don't want this to be another ?? situation where I can't let go for 3-4 years despite the fact that I went super far with it in her case (asking her out and getting rejected). In hindsight, I should have been more than comfortable moving on after that and it's probably one of my biggest mistakes in the past few years.

What else? Oh, I finally got my ?? approved though I haven't told anyone yet. It feels like it should be a big cause for celebration but I feel more businesslike about it and I'm already thinking of the next steps. But I think I should give myself some time to just appreciate my victories/good things that happen to me once in a while and enjoy the moment. Though, I'm still not sure what the future will hold in terms of going back to the states or Canada or whatever long term. I think I realize that being here for ~6 months in the summer made me understand I won't really be happy at home for an extended period of time (unless the world gets so bad that that's the only realistic option) just because it's so difficult to meet people or do new things. Though I guess I need to work with what I have (being at home) and try to focus more on other tasks like writing or reading papers now that I have more free time.

I think the ?? thing is a good segue into this idea of moving on (from my current position). I think sometimes you just know when the time is right to move on and it seems like all the pieces are falling into place - Prashant leaving, getting my ??, the upcoming IPO etc. I was thinking seriously about doing something neuroscience related afterwards - like  Neuralink or just taking related courses at Stanford and figuring out what I want to do from there.

Neuroscience does seem appealing to me right now. I realized it's a call back to my first year uni days working with Dr. Rose and, in that sense, it might be a good move which "connects the dots" so to speak. The other options would be something in the space industry, VR related or a startup with ?? (I know, I'm an idiot for saying this but the idea of it still makes me kind of giddy...). Either way, I think all the signs are there that it's time for me to do something new. I am scared given the state of the world right now but maybe I can see how things go in the new year as well...no point living your life in fear and being too scared of change. To be honest, I don't even think my fear is specifically stemming from the pandemic but rather the fact that I feel too "settled" in SF - I have a good friend group, know all the places to go, have a nice apartment. But life isn't meant to be lived just in a comfortable state - you always need to be in a state of struggle/suffering to really make progress (David Goggin's philosophy) and I do somewhat believe that. 

I feel like I've "beat" the game of climbing the Comp sci career ladder and getting "rich". I'd like to play a new game or have a new goal most likely one that involves helping others or making some fundamental contribution to science/engineering and that helps drive society forward. Is this too naive? Probably. Maybe I'll end up down a more conventional path anyway - like getting married and having a family/kids. It seems like smarter people than me have ended up on that path anyway so maybe I'm just fooling myself. Nonetheless, only time will tell.

Going Beneath the Surface

Freud once said that our conscious thoughts are the tip of the iceberg of what's really going on in our mind. I remember hearing about this a long time back, probably in this high school psychology class but it's only in recent years that I've realized how through it is.

Sometimes, I notice that when I'm having a kind of inner conflict with myself about something I did or something I felt, it's like I can feel this internal conflict happening beneath the surface but only very small portions bubble up and result in either feelings of sadness or me just generally feeling annoyed but not deeply understanding why.

I think what I to do is actually understand myself better - to understand why I'm feeling the way I am sometimes and probably the way to do that is through more deliberate thoughts and introspection. I don't want to go around feeling like I'm on auto-pilot and occasionally getting a "transmission" from activity buried despite inside my brain that I can't even decipher.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk about this was because I was having some internal conflict this weekend. I went on a date with someone who I thought was a pretty great girl - she was pretty cute, seemed kind and we got along. But, I feel like whenever I go on dates or think about relationships there's also this conflict about why am I doing this? Am I just doing it because I think it's what society wants me to do? Do I actually care about having a girlfriend? Sometimes, it feels like I don't care about having someone to talk or do things with on a regular basis. I don't really care about travelling to exotic places or baking which were some of the hobbies she mentioned having. I'm interested in writing and, more generally, working to build something that I feel really uses all my potential (and hopefully helps others like I've mentioned in a previous blog post about purpose).

But yet, I know there's a part of me that wants this kind of normalcy. I mean, there has to be right? Or else I wouldn't be going on these kind of dates, feeling excitement etc. There's also the more practical part of me which realizes that after my parents die it would be nice to have someone else who cares when times are hard (and, in turn, I would care for them). In this case, it feels more like a businesslike transaction or maybe just evolutionary - caring about a few other people probably helps our survival rate overall.

I'm worried that I'm just shutting down the idea of a relationship too quickly - that I'm afraid just because it might be something new. That I'm making these excuses about how shes kind of basic and we aren't compatible just because I'm scared that maybe I could enjoy travelling or baking or new opportunities. After all, if I were to be with someone exactly like myself then there wouldn't be any opportunities for growth? 

In that sense, I feel like I'm still very close minded. I have my way of doing things (which mostly consists of being alone and seeing friends maybe once or twice a week), my own opinions on what's worth my time or not and my own thoughts about what would make a meaningful life. Maybe I shouldn't be so sure of myself - maybe I should try to explore new things. But, of course, in the end I have to live life on my own terms - there's no bonus points for following the "traditional" path set by society if that's not what makes you happy.

The Fear of Living Without A Purpose

 I've been trying to make an effort to blog more regularly and I have a backlog of things I'd like to write. Some blogs, like this one, are more about recording memories that I'm worried somehow I'll forget in the future. It's also about recording who I am at a given point in time, I guess it's funny because sometimes I feel like the person I am today is nothing like that kid I knew in highschool, college or even when I started working. But it's all part of a continuous transformation and it's actually very interesting to remember that.

Anyway, I wanted to record a memory about how, ever since I could remember having conscious thought, I was always worried/scared about what my "purpose" was. I remember telling my parents I had a "sad feeling" as a kid (seriously) and didn't quite know how to explain it. I remember worrying a whole evening in my room about what "heaven" would be like and how to wrestle with the concept of infinity in general. What would it mean to just live in "heaven" eternally? What would people do? Would I get bored there?

Also, from a young age, I recall being worried about a lack of purpose or goal in whatever I was doing. Even back to "structures" class in kindergarten when there was no clear goal for the 30 mins because you were able to just build random shapes with wooden blocks or whatever. I literally remember crying about it because I didn't know what to fill out in the sheet we had to fill out at the end of the day or whatever. In that sense, maybe I haven't changed and maybe I'll still just searching for someone or something to give me a nice, clear purpose. Maybe those are just the circumstances under which I do best - though isn't that depressing? I will admit that even now I think I do my best work when I have a somewhat vague problem to be solved but yet there's a clear goal nonetheless. I think I have more discipline than the average person and can focus and get things done.

Anyway, the harsh truth is probably that the only meaning we can ascribe to life is the one we created ourselves. No one is going to tell us what it is because, the truth is, no one really knows (unless there's some bigger meaning to human existence like we're a simulation or an experiment) and it seems like a conclusion each individual has to determine on their own anyway.

But yeah, just wanted to record this as I thought it's an interesting memory. The point is, I don't know about others, but these struggles about purpose, meaning and infinity are clearly something I've been wrestling with since the earliest days of my life and probably for the rest of it too. But maybe that's just how it should be - maybe it would be worse to become complacent all in pursuit of some false goal set by "society" and not truly by myself.