The Lull of the New Year

 It's been a quiet start to the new year and, for the most part, things have been quite relaxing. Or they would be if I didn't have to all these choices looming in the back of my mind. Choices about the logistics of taking a leave from work, worries about going back to SF due to COVID and then the whole Florida plan which ended up falling through. But, in the end, we can't expect life to be easy all the time.

In fact, it's been about 3 months since I've been at home and I am starting to feel restless now. The issue with home is that I feel there's no sense of progress. While that may be fine if I knew there was a concrete end date in sight for this pandemic, I feel this is just how the world is going to be for a while and I need to just start moving on with my (modified) life.

Am I scared about going? Not really, I think if anything I would have been more scared in August about not knowing what to expect. I'm scared about the logistics of it all and naturally worried about getting COVID (and having to take a test before and all that) but I shouldn't let a day of inconvenience stop me from doing what has to be done. All I can do is take precautions to the best of my ability and continue forwards.

What about everything else? I decided to only take 2 classes this quarter and am taking a few weeks off work. Honestly, I don't feel that motivated about work anymore and might interview at some other places. It just somehow feels like the magic is gone ever since Prashant left and I finished the Egghead paper. As M said, "all good things come to an end" and I can kind of see that I'm drawing things out longer than they need to be. That's not to say it's bad, things are actually pretty good financially but I can definitely see myself being unhappy if I stayed another year (unless something changes significantly).

What else to say? I guess the whole relationship thing is on hold. I sometimes think about Dez now and again but there's not much to say - it is what it is and sometimes there isn't really a reason why we don't find others interesting anymore. There's not always a clear rationale for everything.

I am curious about seeing ?? when I get back and it is something I'm looking forward to exploring more. It's a bit nice to have something to look forward to though I'm not sure how it will turn out or I'm just doing this because I'm trying to fill some kind of gap in my life. Nonetheless, only time will tell.

The world has changed so much but somehow I feel the same. I never much cared for travelling or big events anyway, I'm more annoyed by the inconveniences and, of course, the mounting death toll. On a micro scale, I'm more concerned about not writing enough (but when am I not?) and how I can get out of this local maximum that I feel my life is currently in.

Oh, I guess one other tidbit is that I read a story J shared with me today about this lonely new grad in silicon valley working at some unnamed tech company. It's clearly too real to not be based on his real experiences and I was wondering a bit why I never felt that way. I think, honestly, it's because I had the true "Friends" experience when I lived in downtown ?? and met ?? and ?? and ??. We had a really great friend dynamic and, as I've said other times on this blog, I came to understand what it was like to truly have a "friend" group. When I moved to ?? I had already experienced that and wasn't longing for it - it was more like a new adventure and I was ready for it. 

Anyway, it is what it is. There's no point wanting or hoping life will be comfortable all the time - the only way we can make progress is through struggle and adaption. Sure, we all need a break once in a while but inevitably we can only achieve true happiness by going back to rolling the stone up the hill, again and again and again... 

2020 In Review: Goals for 2021

Ah, so the final piece in the new years reflection trilogy. Honestly, I'm kind of hesitant to have any goals at all since 2020 was so unexpected. I am hoping that things will be relatively normal by the second half of 2021 one though so we'll see.

1.) Consistent Sleep Schedule

Sleep consistently for 7-8 hours no matter where you are. Wake up around 10am.

2.) Finish HS Story, start working on T&T origin story

The HS story has been hanging over my head for a while and something I've been mentioning in many posts. It's time to finally wrap it up and get that monkey off my back so I can move on.

3.) More Dating / Form New Relationships

Figure out what's going on with M and if COVID gets better than try to meet new people. I guess the lack of Dez in my life has opened up the door to form stronger friendships with people. I can't say I don't miss her but maybe it's for the best. It's just difficult when something/someone you put a lot of time into doesn't seem to amount of anything - nonetheless, I would always be happy to hear that she's doing well in the future.

4.) Investigate new jobs / finish school

Definitely getting bored at work but also want to just coast for a while and collect that steady paycheck. But in the meantime, I want to keep learning and sharpening my skills especially with regards to some new technologies.

2020 In Review: May You Live In Interesting Times. Part II: Reflections on Past Year / Did I Meet my Goals?

 So, in the last post I gave a summary of what happened during 2020. The next part of the post is about reflecting on whether I met the goals I set out for at the start of the year and what I want to accomplish this year.

When reading my initial posts for 2020, it seems like my goal was to be more productive. Specifically, to not just feel like I was wasting my spare time but rather using it efficiently to learn new skills or produce new content (such as writing). Let's kind of go over what I accomplished.

Fitness - healthy sleep schedule / be more fit

Honestly, this is probably a 1/5 but I think I'm justified in blaming it on the pandemic. Before the shutdown I was actually going to the gym regularly again and feeling healthy overall. But coming back home and the closing of the Y made both my sleep and fitness schedule get pretty messed up. I do try to workout at home but it's more to just maintain my health, I doubt I'm making any big strides. Anyway, I'm probably fine with this given the circumstances.

Health Issues

There's still good days and bad days with the ?? . I think I've had more good days than bad days (at least moreso than 2019) and got some more tests done which is comforting in the sense that I really did something. Not too much to say here since the introduction of COVID basically put all non-urgent health investigations on hold.

Spiritual Health - mediating etc.

Didn't really get around to doing this. I would also lump this into the "fitness/health" bundle which got destabilized during the pandemic. But focusing on being more mindful and learning how to deal with stress is definitely something I want to improve in 2021.

Creative Hobbies - Writing etc.

Probably the biggest highlight here was that I did hit some of my creative goals this year. I finished up the Toronto story and shared it with folks and got feedback along with the Kayvon story. I also made some progress on the HS story which has been hanging over my head for a while and did some more reading/writing. Overall, I think I'm pretty happy with how my creative hobbies turned out.

Dating / Relationships

As I've mentioned before, the introduction of COVID basically put everything into stasis. I wasn't really expecting to form any new relationships/friendships once the lockdown started but yet I actually was pretty active and started dating(?) M. So I would say I've exceeded expectations in this area too though I'm not sure where it will go.

Overall

Another sentiment I noticed from reading past posts is that I didn't really expect many changes this year. This was mainly due to the fact that I had to wait for my ?? which required me to keep my job. I seemed hopeful that I would be able to improve other aspects of my life - such as fitness/dating/hobbies etc and,  I think given the circumstances, I did pretty well. However, the door of possibilities seems quite open for 2021 - let's talk about that in the next post.

2020 In Review: May You Live In Interesting Times. Part I: Summary of the Past Year

So, it's the dawn of 2021 and as usual I want to do a review of the past year. To put it simply, the year obviously turned out like no one really predicted or imagined (I was just reading a hacker news thread in 2019 and no one even thought of mentioning the word "virus"). I think the pandemic will be one of the defining moments of my lifestyle maybe even equivalent to how others view World War I/II or the Great Depression?

That being said, I think it's not entirely a bad thing. There's some silver linings in that this could be a chance for the world to "reset" and advance in new ways such as remote work or VR technology. It could open up new opportunities for startups and growth. I know the pandemic has hurt a lot of people and it's quite tragic but "we" (society) would be remiss if we didn't also try to harness the benefits. But maybe I'm just all talk since I'm still kind of too scared to actually do a startup but I'll discuss that later.

Anyway, before starting this post, I began by reading my post at the beginning of 2020 to see if I actually accomplished my goals/thoughts. In retrospect, I'm actually surprised by how many things I did accomplish especially given the extenuating circumstances of the past year - so in that sense, I did better than expected. Let's start with a quick recap/summary of the year and then go into an actual review. 

So, the year started off with COVID just being something far off the RADAR but still in the background. I began with writing the Egghead paper (which was grueling but also a new experience) and some big events like Genesis 7. I started to get back into a workout routine and, in general, things were going fine.

In March, COVID hit North America in full force and I remember feeling quite scared because no one knew what to expect. I went home and kind of watched everything happen with this general sense of despair. I had left in a hurry to go home, so I was worried about going back eventually. Being at home during this time felt difficult, I wasn't used to it and it was hard to be productive or get work done. That being said, somehow I got promoted to L6 and got the Egghead paper accepted (probably my biggest accomplishment this year) though these were mostly just reflections of prior work I had done. During the actual time I was "WFH" I didn't feel that productive which was quite depressing in some ways.

In August, I went back to the bay area and was scared at first but somehow when it came down to it I felt very clear minded and not anxious at all (at least at the airport). I didn't mind being back in SF, it felt nice to have some space and be able to hangout with friends. I think I mentioned it before but since I knew I wasn't there for too long, I was actually very social and it felt kind of nice. The big challenge was, of course, the wildfires which tested my mental fortitude since there was the day the sky turned orange and other days when we were shut in for days at a time. That being said, I'm proud of myself for being mentally strong during this time and I think it shows how far I had come from 2019 when my mental health felt a lot more precarious. 

In October, I came back home for the holidays and honestly feel like I didn't do that much work except get Knucklehead experiment setup. The other big event was the IPO which threw a wrench in my plans about when I was planning to leave - but I'll discuss that more in the "looking forward" section. Now, it's the new year and I'm faced with new decisions about how long to stay at home vs. going back and what to do moving forward.