So, I've been back in Cali for two weeks now and starting to feel more settled in. There still are times when I feel anxious especially at night when I think about how far away everyone is but I'm gradually getting more acclimatized to it. It's difficult to say how I feel upon coming back, it doesn't feel as exciting as it used to back in August. COVID or not, there is an impending feeling like my time here is winding down and maybe that's fine. Five years is a long time to stay anywhere and I think I've proven to myself what I wanted. On another note, without people around to talk to I feel much more introspective and aware of my own thoughts which is something that I definitely miss.
Of course, the big looming question is what to do next. In some ways, I think I'm kind of a coward - I tend to sign up for enough obligations (school, work, volunteering) to keep myself busy so maybe I don't have to seriously think about what I truly want to do. It's like a conversation I had with J one time about how his biggest fear was, now that he quit his job to write full-time, what if he was just really bad it? Or even that he's too unmotivated to succeed despite all his other obstacles being removed? It's like by keeping myself busy I have an excuse for why I'm never able to complete my "deepest" goals such as writing a book, doing neuroscience research or building a VR game.
I guess it's not a bad way to be fooled. I'm still being productive and doing interesting things with my time but I think ultimately it's all just mental gymnastics to avoid the fear of truly pursuing my dreams. But, for better or for worse, it's getting to the point where this excuse won't work anymore as it might be soon for me to feasibly retire early if I wanted to. How will I be able to face things then?
Maybe this is totally first world problems and I recognize that. But probably the most important thing in life is to be true yourself and I've always been plagued by the fact that I'm not really doing that. Even with respect to relationships, I feel like most of the time I'm just trying to do things because I think that's the way life is supposed to be (in the sense of even being in a relationship or getting married to begin with) but deep down I know it's not really what will bring me fulfillment in life. It's frustrating sometimes because, when I was younger, I used to feel smug about the fact that I was different, that I didn't want the same "traditional" things that most people did out of life. But there is an aspect of loneliness to it - now I have to find my own to happiness and there's no clear place to start.
This reminds me of Joe Rogan's first podcast with David Goggins that I watched recently. His story about how he turned his life around from being a fat slob in a dead end job was nothing short of inspiring (as it should be). However, what I found the most interesting though was how he always talked about this voice in the back of his head, the voice that wasn't happy even if his life seemed chill at the time. I think I have that same voice too, the same nagging whisper that makes me question if everything I'm doing is just a coping mechanism to avoid listening to it. Eventually, I'll have to take the leap, take some risks and try to adhere to what it says or will be stuck living my life in a perpetual state of wondering "what if...?"
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