2021 Reflections Part 3: Looking Forward

 In the previous post, I reflected a lot on how things went in 2021 but now it's time to turn an eye towards the future. As I mentioned before, I think 2022 has the potential to be a big year since a large commitment in my life - graduate school - should be wrapped up by May. Though, there is still a pretty big financial incentive to stay at my current job even though it feels somewhat lackluster now.

That being said, if I finish 2022 without really diving deep into a new skill or a new project then I think I'll be disappointed in myself. Some ideas include pursuing research with J more (maybe writing a paper), learning about VR design/programming or investigate more about blockchain technologies. Another, less technical related possibility, is getting a draft of my HS story into a presentable state and really trying to get it published.

In terms of social things, I'd like to continue dating and seeing if I find someone I really connect with. I realized this past year that even if I'm not sure what I want out of it all, the only way to help solidify my preferences is by meeting new people. Besides, having new experiences is generally a good way to facilitate personal growth. I would like to form closer bonds with some existing friends but I would say it's not a huge priority - I already have a core group of people which I feel like I can trust.

In terms of overall thoughts about the future, I have to confess that I've been anxious about it lately. Being back home always makes me aware of how old my parents are getting and, naturally, the question arises about what life will be like once they die. It's a bit depressing to think about because I feel like my mom especially really holds the family together and it seems hard to imagine how we'll all manage (especially with respect to big events like Christmas) when she's no longer here.

There's also a sense of anxiety that comes out with the uncertainty about what to do next. As I mentioned before, I feel like I'm the kind of person who's pretty good at sticking to goals once I've committed to them (such as finishing a book or going to grad school) but there is a sense of trepidation when it comes to generating new goals. 

The main takeaway from these two sources of anxiety though is that I shouldn't (and can't) be afraid of the inevitable change that will come in the future. It just seems like a terrible way to get through life -  if you're always scared about how things will change and how they might get worse. One way to mitigate this is by doing extensive planning for different scenarios but, in some sense, that might make things worse since life will always be unpredictable. If you focus too much on planning then when something doesn't go as you expect, it might make you even more anxious.

It sounds corny but maybe the best type of advice to get through life is to just "expect the unexpected". I can't be scared about how things might change but just try to adapt and re-act to them in the best way that I can. I also need to remember to not let my emotions get the better of me. Sometimes I feel angry when I'm here about a little thing my parents/siblings do (like mom making me run late for a Zoom meeting when driving down to Windsor) and think about just immediately leaving or going back so I don't have to deal with other people. But that's not the right attitude - I should try to express my frustration in a clear way and then just move on instead of trying to lash out or get angry. I'm not saying that anything bad really happened, but it's just the thought pattern which I'm ashamed of and it could have even led me to say out of anger that I might really regret (thankfully, I did not in this scenario).

So, my overall advice would be to use this as a year of exploration. I should commit to some new things to try and give them a chance. But I should also be ready to adapt and "expect the unexpected". Most of all, I should try not to be anxious about the uncertainty that lies in the future - it's just an inherent part of life and something we all have to face so why drag your feet when we're all walking towards the same destination anyway ?

2021 Reflections Part 2: A Deeper Dive

In a similar vein to previous years, I wanted to dive a bit deeper into my progress/thoughts on various aspects of my life. Maybe, just because I'm feeling quantitive, I'll give areas a rating like in 2019...

Fitness / Overall Health - 2.5/5

Without a doubt, I felt more healthy than last year. I was able to mostly get back into a regular gym schedule and start slowly climbing up to where I once was. However, due to a combination of work and perhaps a lack of discipline, I felt like my sleep schedule really suffered. In the previous 3 months, I was getting 5-6 hours of sleep regularly and, while I obviously survived, I feel like this will catch up with me in the long run.

That being said, at least there's a very clear metric of what I need to improve in 2022.

Mental Health -  4/5

Compared to 2019 and 2020, I did feel less stressed out mentally overall. I had come to terms with the pandemic and sort of adjusted my lifestyle. I suppose it's not so much the change in lifestyle that initially scared me but just the uncertainty of not knowing what COVID would bring. That being said, I think the main point in life is being adaptable and having the strength to adjust in unknown situations.

Creative Hobbies (Writing) - 3/5

A big accomplishment was finally finishing my HS story over the summer - a culmination of over 5 years of work and 70k words. However, it's still in a pretty disjointed state and I kind of dropped the ball on writing after the summer (when I published Gates). This is a regret since, even over the December break, I was hoping to make some progress. Though I feel somewhat justified in the sense that I was quite busy with work/school activities so it felt like a more hard constraint rather than a lack of motivation on my part.

Dating / Social - 3.5/5

As I alluded to in the previous post, I'm quite pleased with how I was able to put myself out there and start going on dates again. There was  M, Msi, and S (who I actually quite smitten with when I first met). None of them really worked out, though it was likely for different reasons. In the case of M, she just seemed too insecure and I think she just wanted more commitment than I could reasonably give.

For Msi, she just wasn't that attractive though she did seem like a nice person - but we also seemed to have some fundamental differences in the kind of hobbies we like. 

I thought S had real potential and she was probably the first person I had ever felt excited with in the past few years (though, maybe that's not as important as it sounds since I hadn't really been trying to date that actively). Anyway, she seemed to meet all the criteria (well-educated, well-read, cute etc.) but we seemed to just not be that compatible. I would have been open to a few more dates but actually she called it off first which kind of stung. However, I can understand where she was coming from and maybe I was just mistyping her ability to be "fake" for genuine interest. But at least it helped me realize what I find attractive in a partner.

In terms of friendships in general, I wouldn't say anything new happened except maintaining existing ones. In fact, I sometimes feel a bit lost in the sense of not having that one "close" friend to talk effortlessly about anything like I used to feel with Dez. While I was able to strength relationships with people like K, Fco and J (in SF) and re-connect with old friends like Kwong and 3, I still miss the role of someone like Dez in my life. 

I was able to re-connect with her briefly this year and was glad to see she was (mostly) doing well but it just seems like she isn't as interested in maintaining a closer level of communication. I guess I'm OK with that overall since it seems like a more natural progression of our interests drifting apart rather than a specific argument we had or a "mistake" that one of us made.  

Career / Academics - 4/5

When I looked at my transcript and saw the 41/45 units, I almost couldn't believe my eyes. The end of my grad school journey is almost here and it feels like a huge milestone. While I was hesitant of whether or not I could do it at first, I feel like it's just become part of my lifestyle now. But I am pretty certain now it was one of the best decisions I ever made - not only did I meet close friends (like C) but I also learned an enormous amount and it might even lead into new possible future paths (like AI research or a startup). 

In some ways, it feels sad to think this journey is coming to an end but I suppose the exciting part of life is the ability to figure out what's next. But I'll talk about that more in the part of the blog post where I look towards the future.

Anyway, this past year was mostly about focusing on finishing up school and I feel like I definitely succeeded in that respect. I managed to complete 6 courses while juggling work and feel quite proud of myself for handling that. I feel fortunate to have met great mentors like J (who might even change my life in the future). 

My actual job definitely took a backseat this year though I was able to accomplish some milestones. In general though, it's only the golden handcuffs keeping me there and I wouldn't say I'm really passionate about what I do anymore. Most of my close friends have left though there are still a few co-workers that I respect. In general though, things have become more political and less "fun" overall so hopefully there will be some kind of change on the horizon in 2022.

Overall

Overall, I'm quite pleased with how 2021 turned out. It wasn't as jarring at 2020 and I feel like I was able to adapt and make the best of pandemic life in terms of making strides in my career/academics along with meeting new people via dating. I'm still not sure what I want out of dating overall, I'll probably talk about that in the next post, but having new experiences is always a good thing. 

I can't deny that sometimes I feel a bit lonely in the sense of not having any very close friends but that concern might be overblown. I certainly have friends I could ask in terms of an emergency and, of course, there's always family. But still, even if it's not logical, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge how I really feel.