I'm of the opinion that, at least for the first quarter of our life, most of our dreams are not our own. From an early age, we're all given the same list of tasks that we need to accomplish - get high grades, do well in X sport/hobby and get into a good college. Even after college, getting a high-paying job seems like the natural next step for most people and, after that, the natural tendency is to get promoted and climb the corporate ladder. So, despite having accomplished some of these "conventional" goals in my life so far, there was a lingering feeling in most cases that I was just "succeeding" at goals that were already laid out for me or expected of society.
However, deciding to go to graduate school at S was unique in that it felt like a goal I came up with on my own. While doing a graduate program while working is not that unique, I think the key point is that it's not really an expectation that anyone has of you (at least in my field). It's also a goal that I've had for a long time - dating back to 2013 when I first visited the area with a group of friends.
Anyway, it feels surreal to say that my journey at S is basically complete. The culmination of a goal that I came up with almost a decade ago now is within my reach and it seems like a natural time to reflect on the process. Of course, this is a good incentive to go back and read some of my past thoughts to see how I thought about the whole ordeal.
It seems like one of my main concerns was the logistics of it all - how would I balance work and school? How would I pay tuition? (in hindsight, this was probably never a real issue). In early 2017, I wrote:
The question really is - how much is the experience and the stress worth? The main factors in me not wanting to attend is firstly the logistics of it - selling all my stuff, moving again, getting a new type of visa etc. But, why am I being so lazy? I shouldn't just want to NOT change because I'm in a comfortable position. That just leads me down the path of mediocrity.
But I was also able to recognize the positives:
...But I seem to be ruminating on worst case scenarios, a lot. What about the positives? I get to be immersed in a learning environment with probably some of the smartest people in the world. I probably won't ever get an opportunity like this again especially because I think the changes of me re-applying to grad school after this are pretty slim.
It seems like back then (in 2017), I was felt stuck in a kind of rut in life. I had been working at my "new" job in CA and I guess I was starting to get comfortable and was spending my free time just relaxing with new friends I had made. However, I was in my mid-twenties back then so it seemed like the ideal time to try something new instead of just having the same type of routine as I noted:
I think while I'm young the answer should be adventure. I don't want to be like everyone else - I want to take risks and try out different paths. I feel like grad school would be an opportunity to do just that. Also, I know that deep down, if this was fully funded then I would probably go without any hesitation.
Later, during Christmas of 2017, I seemed to accept that this was something I innately felt like I had to do (this was after one semester).
As I've told a few close friends, I'm not sure what the actual benefits will be or how much it all matters but I think, ultimately, going to grad school is something I needed to prove to myself that I could do. Overall, I'm glad that I got the "new" experience of graduate school as it was one of the few "new" experiences I was able to try out in 2017 and something that's been nagging at me for a long time.
So how did it all turn out in the end? I think I can pretty confidently say I'm glad that I ended up going through with it (despite the heavy workload and stress at times). I was able to get exposed to a lot of interesting new fields (that might actually influence my career in the future) along with building strong relationships such as with C and Shy. I think I would have been pretty unhappy if I just kept down the current path of working while doing nothing else with my "spare time" though, perhaps if I didn't go to grad school, I would have left my current job earlier and done a startup or something. It's hard to know.
Anyway, I would be lying to myself if I didn't acknowledge there is an ego or "brand-name" aspect to it. I suppose I always felt cheated or somewhat inferior that I never got the opportunity to go to an "ivy-league" school for undergrad even though I thought I might have been competent enough. I used to blame my parents for not encouraging me enough but, honestly, most of the blame probably lies with me. I know it's not the purest of reasons, but I'm glad I got the experience to say I was finally able to - and, the truth is, I think it really did open doors and provide new connections for me.
The last thing I wanted to mention is that, while the actual process was grueling at times, it made it easy to forget how fortunate I even was for being accepted and having the opportunity to go. I was starkly reminded of this fact when A (a guy I mentor at work) was rejected from the same program I was in, just a few weeks back. I then ended up looking at the profiles of some other folks that got rejected and realized that even just getting in was no easy feat and something a variety of smart and motivated people seemed to have wanted very badly. It's sometimes easy to just take things for granted while you're in the situation but, if you take a step back, you realize that there's a lot to be grateful for.
OK, the very last thing I wanted to mention is that perhaps another lesson from all this is to not worry too much about logistics. That seems to have been a major concern of mine at first - how will I pay for X? What if travelling to campus every week is too tiring? How will I write exams? And so on. But, in the end, I was able to find solutions to these problems and it all worked out. It seems like the underlying lesson here is that if you really are drawn to something, then just go with your gut and you'll find a way to make it work. An important skill in life is about having a core plan but being able to adapt to get things done as new situations arise.
So, where do I go from here? There's still a few major goals I'd like to accomplish, goals that are hopefully more unique to "me" than even going to S was. These include things like publishing the novel I've been working for a while, doing more fundamental neuroscience research and joining a AI based startup. But, for now, maybe it's best to take a break for the summer and enjoy time with family/friends. I've felt pretty burnt out for a while so it does feel like a good time to "reset" before diving into something new.
p.s. Even if things don't really go anywhere, I also want to mention that being able to do research with ?? (one of the founders of neural networks) is one of those key experiences that I would not have ever dreamed of doing had I not attended S. It's really not just about the course content or whatever, but I think what will affect my life the most are the connections and people that I met (yes, I know this is sappy...)
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