So, another year has come and gone for me and I woke up today realizing I'm 31. Just typing it or saying it aloud in my head makes me realize that I'm much older than I really feel. Coincidentally, I read an interesting article about this phenomenon in The Atlantic the other day. Maybe it's because most of my closer friends here are about 3-4 years younger than me so I still feel like I'm in my mid/late 20's but, the truth is what it is.
I suppose there's a lot of things I could talk about in this post, but I want to first give a quick snapshot of my life since I always find those interesting in the future. Things have been pretty busy for me lately - doing research with J on Sudoku Generalization along with working on this ChatGPT integration at work hasn't left me with much time to think about much else. I did go on a few dates with B the past few weekends - she seems cool (down to earth and also somewhat introspective) but I feel like we have some large cultural differences that would prevent things from working out in the end.
There's also this broader point that even when I do go on dates I'm not sure if I really enjoy it or I'm just doing it because I think that's the "natural" path people should follow in life (ie. be in a relationship, get married, have kids). I'm not really convinced that would make me happy - it even seems kind of selfish since (specifically: having kids) in the sense that it's just a way to justify your own existence and give you something to do for the next 20+ years. Instead, I think what would truly make me happy is realizing that I worked my hardest to achieve my creative potential (and hopefully produced something of value along the way). Of course, that's probably a much harder path in life but this is probably better suited for another blog post on it's own. The last thing I want to say though is that I'm not ready to give up on dating/relationships in general - I think I have met a lot of interesting people and there's no harm to keep trying (except for the cost of my own time).
Nonetheless, there is a lingering sense that time is ticking away. It's already been over a decade since I graduated from high school and almost a decade since college. That's about 10 years in which I've truly been free to pursue whatever activities or career I wanted and, as I mentioned before, I'm pretty happy with how things turned out. But, if I'm being honest with myself, the thought of being in the same role for longer than a year is somewhat depressing to me. It's a good job and all but there's just so much exciting stuff going on in the ML/AI field that I want to be a part of and help contribute to more fundamental research. At the end of the day, there's no "bonus points" for just making it through life and being "comfortable" - I firmly believe that if you're privileged enough to explore opportunities you're truly passionate about then you should take it. So, I hope that I continue exploring (apply again to startups this summer and reach out to KJ) and make the switch even though staying where I am would be an easy decision.
I also hope to get back into writing more, going to the in-person event at the WS last weekend really helped motivate me. V suggested that I submit my high school novella to this contest and I hope to just take PTO for 1-2 weeks at the end of this month to really get it done. I might not have this chance again and, as I've mentioned before, I should take pride in the sense that I was able to finish a major project even if it doesn't result in any material gain.
Other than that, I think things are just moving smoothly along - perhaps too smoothly. I don't want to blink and realize that I'm 60 and just kept working the same job because it was comfortable. Sometimes I'm worried that my routine (friends, hobbies) here is too comfortable in general and that I need to take some risks and pursue activities that are truly interesting to me. We'll see, hopefully I can start to branch out more later in the year and hold myself accountable to these thoughts.
The last thing I want to mention is the sense of amazement I have when friends from HS (or even co-workers that are my age) mention that they are going to be having kids soon. I feel like I still think of us as pretty immature - how can a guy I played smash bros with last weekend be ready to be a Dad? It seems like we only have a very short time in the limelight before the torch needs to be passed to the new generation. As I've said to C&V, I feel like I'm not comfortable having kids until I feel like I've really tried to pursue some of my deeper goals (ie. creating a startup or doing independent research for a year or writing some novels). Anyway, it does feel like we're at that age when a bunch of life paths are still open to us but the choices we make in the next 2-3 years will gradually reduce the set of paths available (ie. if you choose to have kids). I do find that quite scary - I would hate to be in a situation where I'm just stuck in the same routine (fancy house in the suburbs, two kids and corporate job) and am just living out the rest of my life until I die. Ironically, this seems to be the ideal goal that others seem to strive for.
Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I hope I continue to explore and not be afraid to pursue ideas I'm truly interested in - the treadmill of life keeps things moving along regardless of whether I want it to or not.
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