So, I'm standing on the precipice and staring down at the start of another summer. I realized I haven't blogged in a few months but, as usual when there's been a lack of updates, it's not because I've been lazy but rather because life has been busy (in a good way). There's lots of updates and thoughts I'd like to get down so let's just get to it.
1.) I somehow made it back home for the summer, despite a hectic first half of the year. Though I will say the pace of life has slowed down considerably back in SF for the past few months, especially since I made the decision to stop doing research with ??. I was able to get into more of a standard routine such as playing badminton 2x per week along with deepening my friendships with E (designer guy) and J.
2.) Being at home does feel a little strange/sad in some ways. Mainly because, by some strange coincidence, I happened to run into Dez's dad at ?? and I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I know she always said she hated her dad but I did feel sad hearing that she visited home recently and we didn't get a chance to see each other. Maybe it doesn't matter, I'm not quite sure what we'd have to say to each other anyway - but I'd be happy to hear that she's doing well at least and hopefully making progress towards her dreams.
3.) I didn't end up seeing S before I left because she ended up bailing on our Friday date somewhat last minute. I'm not sure what to feel about her lately - my feelings have definitely cooled a bit and maybe her's have as well. I didn't want the time commitment of a real relationship but, even by my standards, we haven't actually been spending much time together to be classified as anything really. There's also the question of if she's seeing other people or something as well though I guess technically it's more of an "open" relationship right now.
I understand that she's probably at a critical "transition" period in her life (going from quitting her job to more of a startup type lifestyle) but, at the same time, is it worth waiting for her to stabilize? Even if I did wait, would she even want something serious? Would I? I feel like if we spent more time together then I'd have a better answer to these questions but it doesn't seem like there's an easy way to make that happen without sounding too clingy/pushy. A part of it is also related to my ego - should I have tried to show more interest or escalate sooner? Would it have changed the course of our relationship if I tried harder to plan dates or something similar? I think if what she says is true (that she's really busy etc.) then trying harder probably would have been the wrong play but who knows. I just hope that we can spend more time together so I can get some closure on how I really feel, because, those few days we spent together in SD after ??'s weddings really did seem special. But maybe I'm just living in the past...it was almost a year ago after all.
4.) The startup stuff with C seems to be moving along smoothly. I feel a bit guilty about it because he seems more invested in the idea than I am despite the fact that, on paper, he should have a lot less free time than I do (given he recently had a baby and all). I think, if I'm being completely honest, I don't really care much about the business/product side of the startup - I'd just like to do cool AI research and collaborate with others. I also worry if this will put a strain on our friendship which, as I've said previously, I've really come to value. Nonetheless, I think doing a startup would be a good "life" experience to say I had so I think I should keep forging ahead - and at least doing the "research" part to help me continue to learn things.
5.) But related to point #4, it feels like there's this lingering question of motivation. Or rather, a lack of motivation. Especially since I've been home for the summer (about two weeks now), it feels difficult to muster up the motivation to really focus on anything. Maybe I'm just burnt out and need some time to relax. Or maybe the current things on my plate just aren't interesting enough - I think I'll need to write more about this at a later date to sort out my thoughts.
6.) In terms of work/career, I'm finally trying to go for promo to ?? level (which is something I'd never thought I'd say). I don't care much about the actual title/salary increase but rather I think it's a good forcing function to help me make a decision. As I told A (from work), I think whether I get it or not will be good motivation for me to leave and move on the next thing in the sense of having no regrets because at least I tried. If I do get it, then it'll be a good idea to stay for 5-6 more months and quit near the end of the year, knowing I hit a significant career milestone. If I don't get it, then I can feel more comfortable leaving knowing that at least I tried and it can serve as motivation to perhaps go to ??, ?? or pursue startup things full-time with C.
7.) I went to NYC this weekend to see a hockey game with my Dad, though it was more for him than it was for me. Nonetheless, it was a really fun experience and I think my Dad seemed really happy about so that made me feel good too - though he's not the easiest person to travel with. Maybe I just felt frustrated because it seemed like he was tired most of the time, but I think I'm being overly harsh - when I'm ~65 or so, I'm sure that walking around NYC at midnight to go back to our hotel would tire me out too. It did make me realize that he's getting up there in age and, honestly, I do think about death quite a lot especially how my parent's death will affect my life. I want to be honest with myself about it because I don't want it to creep up on me, so maybe by acknowledging it now it will help prepare me in some small way. Anyway, the point is, I'm glad I got to share this moment with my Dad while he's still here with me. He's certainly got a lot more mellow/patient (though he still gets anxious sometimes) then when I was a kid - so that's a big improvement I guess. It also reminded me of the times he came with me to Seattle/Sunnyvale when perhaps I was nervous travelling so...yeah idk, I shouldn't forget the good times too.
8.) The last thing is I want to seriously focus again on writing for the summer. I talked to 3 again in my hometown, and it made me more motivated to seriously try to get this story out there. In fact, writing feels like the thing I'm more passionate about right now but somehow I have all these other responsibilities/obligations that it's difficult to find time to focus on it (even though I want to). This is in contrast to startup stuff where lately it's felt a bit more like a chore. I think every summer I go through this phase where I have all these big plans about how productive I'm going to be but then I get annoyed being at home because there's all these distractions. This year, I'm trying to be more chill about it and just embrace the distractions for what they are - ways to spend time with my parents/family. I can always focus more intensely when I go back to bay area, assuming that's still truly what I want to do.
Alright well, that's it for now. I'm sure summer will go by in the blink of an eye but I'll be back to update regardless :)
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