So another year has come and gone. I would say it's been a decent one - it's been a few months since my last blog which I actually have come to realize it's generally a good thing as it means I've been busy living life instead of being in my own head too much. In fact, the treadmill of life seems to be progressing steadily forward, it feels as if the metaphor of "blinking once and then realizing I'm old" is much closer to reality than I initially imagined.
But enough ramblings, time to give a snapshot of my current situation in life. Nothing much has changed in the way of not really caring about birthdays - I didn't even tell S (girl I'm dating) and didn't do anything special with friends either. I had a video call with my family which was nice and some close friends (K, J and A) did wish me happy birthday but, overall, it was pretty low-key.
The hopeful news is that I applied for a $1m grant from ?? with C. I've also felt more aware lately on just how valuable my friendship with C is - he's like one of the first friends I've had who really pushes me in an intellectual curious way while also being a cool person. Case in point, he's down to apply for grants or discuss scientific ideas without any friction or weird transactional type of vibes. We've known each other for a long time now, but I guess applying for this grant together made me appreciate just how rare this type of friendship is. Not to mention his baby (F) is super cute and I enjoy spending time with her - when I was at their house a few weeks ago talking to V's grandparents about their upbringing in China and the U.S. it really did feel like I was among family.
I hope I do get the grant though, as I told S, I feel like just admitting it to myself might already jinx things somehow. I know that's obviously just superstition but it's probably a defense mechanism as well - trying not to be too hopeful so that I can mitigate disappointment when it inevitably comes. But there's not much I can do for now, just wait to see how things turn out. Even if don't get this grant though, I think eventually I need to brave enough to strike out and do research on my own. I'm entering my mid 30's and time really is catching up to me - there's no constellation prize for living a "safe" life so why not try something new if I'm fortunate enough to have the means to do so? I know I've repeated this point so many times in previous blog posts but I'll repeat it again because it's critical to me - I genuinely believe I need to pursue some creative endeavor to feel satisfied in life.
On a more practical note, I interviewed at C and got an offer there. It's probably one of the best places I've interviewed at in a while - they have a really cool and impressive team. While I wasn't that keen on the product, I felt a sense of excitement and energy when I was there that just isn't present in my current job. I am seriously considering joining them this summer and have decided to basically stop all other interviews in the meantime - I think this is as close as I can get to joining a startup I'm really interested in (besides just doing my own thing).
On that note, I've also made a pact with myself to, at the very least, quit my current job at the end of this year. I might only have 1-2 years left in CA and I want to at least spend the last year being more creative and pursuing ideas on my own. So I'm putting it in writing to (hopefully) hold myself accountable.
Other than that, things are roughly the same, but it's in a good way. I haven't seen S in a few weeks though it was fun when I met up with her again. I'm not sure if we have a long term future together but I think there is potential which is also a rare thing for me to even admit. I'm pretty happy with life now but I do get the sense that once again I'm "stuck" in this kind of "local maximum" - just hanging out with the same friends, doing the same things (playing smash, badminton, going to the gym, playing cuphead with A/J/K...) and working in the same job. It's taken me a while to fall back into a routine after COVID but I think I've finally settled into a good one. Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel restless/guilty again and the weight of not pursuing more "creative" hobbies is certainly weighing on the back of my mind. I have bouts of inspiration where I work on my writing (HS story etc) and think about other ideas but still feel like my current routine is too busy to really execute on it.
I guess that's all for now. The one constant is that my sleep schedule still sucks though, going to bed at 3am - 4am every night and consistently sleeping 5-6 hours can't be great for my health in the future. Hopefully writing it down here can guilt me into getting more consistent rest.
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