So, I'm near the tail end of my summer vacation and, truth be told, it feels hard to admit. It's been a pretty relaxing experience at home, even the trip to the west coast (Vancouver/Calgary/Banff/Montana) with friends went more smoothly than I expected. I got to spend quality time with parents and catch up with some "core" friends from the old days here (A/C/J) so wanted to take some time to record my thoughts before life gets too busy again.
I already wrote a lot in the last post about work, so I'll probably keep this light with regards to that for now. The only thing I want to mention is that was definitely nice to get a break after 4+ months of starting something new. The other thing I want to mention is that it feels difficult to go back to that life. I was having a lot of fun just chilling at home, playing games (Lies of P DLC was great) and doing creative things like writing again. I feel like I'm the kind of person who is able to adjust quickly to my surroundings once I'm in them (especially if I'm busy) so it's not like I was unhappy when I was grinding at work (time actually went by very fast) but it's like now that I've had a chance to step out of that environment, I realize that I'm not too excited/interested in going back. I'm sure it will be fine, but I really think that after a year I should probably take what I've learned and move on.
In terms of the trip with friends, it was definitely something I was apprehensive about - it's the first time I've really traveled with friends since post-covid. Also, it was the first time with this specific group of friends (though I do feel comfortable around them) and it was a lot of road tripping so I was kind of worried about the logistics of it (what if I had to use the bathroom? if my stomach wasn't feeling well?). But it all worked out in the end and I think we all had a good time along with becoming closer to each other.
The first day in Vancouver was great, I thought it was a beautiful city - maybe could even move there one day. The night in Calgary was a bit more anxiety inducing because we all had to sleep in one hotel room together and I got maybe ~3 hours of sleep (in addition to getting ~3 hours of sleep the previous night cause I had to wake up early for my flight) so I was kind of worried in the morning. But the first day in Banff went well (despite all the rain), and then we had Kinton. I slept much better that night since I had my own room and the next day we went on a challenging hike in Yoho - which was also scary in hindsight but I actually don't remember being too worried in the moment (maybe cause it was too physically exhausting). The last day was pretty chill, just hanging out in Calgary and then looking for wildlife before heading to the airport - but we also had hilarious conversations at night about whether we should make the 3am trip to Glacier.
Overall, I would say things turned out better than I expected on the trip. I do think that K/A/F are definitely my kind of people in that they are pretty easy-going and down to earth. I liked that we could all discuss the "insane plan" about driving at 3am to go to Glacier and see the sunrise - and also that they were cool with staying up super late / getting no sleep and just powering through it all. I'm glad I went on a trip with them though I do feel kind of sad that A and F are moving away and we would probably only see each other for like 1-2 times a year at most going forward. But, maybe the point of friendship is not to be bff's forever, but just appreciate the good times and positive influences you had on each other lives. At least, that's how I try to think about Dez now - it was kinda sad when 3 asked me about how she was doing when we were back in Windsor especially since he was like "oh, you guys use to be so close".
Speaking of friendship, I'm still not sure about what to do with S. We had a strange conversation when we were hanging out before I left, about how she was potentially interested in someone else and I explained that made me feel hurt / jealous, I suppose. But, at the same time, I'm not sure I want her to be my "girlfriend" or even potentially "wife" as such. Above all, I want her to just be someone I can trust and feel close with - maybe even more so than just having sex or doing physical stuff together. I feel it's strange - maybe it's like I'm putting her on a pedestal because I think there's an almost spiritual reason we met sometimes. I think we have a role to play in each other's lives but I'm not sure what it is yet or if just being significant other's is the "right" way to define it. It feels kind of cringe typing this, like I've bought into the whole bay area vibe of "open relationships" or "not conforming to the traditional ideas of marriage" stereotype but I genuinely don't know what my ideal type of relationship with S is.
What I do know, and what I told her, is that I don't think I really need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy in life. I think when I measure and look back on my life, it won't be enough to just say I was in a happy relationship. I need to feel like I accomplished or produced something of value or at least tried my hardest in this regard. I obviously still want to have close friends / family to interact with, but I already feel like I have enough close friends / family to at least "satisfy" that part of my life. It's just unfortunate because I feel as you get older in society, perhaps the only way to remain "close" with someone is via a romantic relationship or getting married? Which is a shame. It's almost like the prisoners dilemma - I don't necessarily want to get married in order to have someone that's consistently in my life but, since others are going to get married (which implies drifting apart from other "friends") it feels like my best option is also to just get married and lock down someone that I'm at least "somewhat" compatible with.
Anyway, my thoughts are still quite muddled in this area but my main focus for this year (at least until next summer) is just doing work/research anyway. So perhaps this is a question for 2026 - though I'm sure something will happen the next time I see S anyway.
The last thing I want to mention is spending time with family. I feel a bit guilty I didn't get to spend more time with my sister when I was back especially because I knew she wanted to and I felt like I let her down. I got to spend a lot of time with parents which was nice, but I do worry that my siblings and I will drift apart in the future - again, this is related to my above point in that I feel because they have their own spouses (and maybe families in the future?) it's just logistically hard to maintain close relationships with other people, even if they are siblings. But perhaps some fault lies with me as well, because I should also put in effort and sometimes it seems like they are putting in more than me despite having spouses anyway (so I could just be a hypocrite). In my defense, I would say I dislike the fact in general that our family has "extended" due to them obviously marrying into other families - it just seems to introduce more complications and conflict (ie. my brother arguing with my mom about his wife all the time) and not sure if it brings any additional happiness to my parents. I recognize it's terribly naive but I wish that we could just remain like an "immediate" family for as long as possible - at least until my parents die. But there's that prisoner's dilemma again - it's like everyone wants to find a partner/spouse/S.O. so they have the security of someone consistently being with them throughout their life (but, in doing so, they implicitly disregard other relationships with siblings/friends).
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I hope I can settle back into a routine when I'm back in ?? and feel motivated about work. But maybe it's also fine if I don't - I think I'm old enough now that I should start to spend more time doing things I'm truly interested in rather than just being a wagie. So, this is a note to myself to remember to adaptable and don't be afraid to strike out and try something new if I feel like the time is right (even if it doesn't align with my initial plan).
Ok the actual last thing (I promise!) related to the above point, when traveling with K/A/F I realized that I felt younger than I really am. I was the oldest in the group (probably by 2-3 years) but it didn't feel like it - but, when I think about it, I do feel a bit too old to be doing such road trips with friends or at least wanting to do this that often (since this friend group usually goes on road trips to National Parks quite often but I kept dodging them). Maybe I'm past that phase in my life - I used to go to on trips with high school friends like Poconos and that stuff but is that time in my life just over now...? K is only 26 so it makes sense she is more into these type of "road trip with friends" style trips but maybe I've already lived that...
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I hope I can settle back into a routine when I'm back in ?? and feel motivated about work. But maybe it's also fine if I don't - I think I'm old enough now that I should start to spend more time doing things I'm truly interested in rather than just being a wagie. So, this is a note to myself to remember to adaptable and don't be afraid to strike out and try something new if I feel like the time is right (even if it doesn't align with my initial plan).