The Fear of Living Without A Purpose

 I've been trying to make an effort to blog more regularly and I have a backlog of things I'd like to write. Some blogs, like this one, are more about recording memories that I'm worried somehow I'll forget in the future. It's also about recording who I am at a given point in time, I guess it's funny because sometimes I feel like the person I am today is nothing like that kid I knew in highschool, college or even when I started working. But it's all part of a continuous transformation and it's actually very interesting to remember that.

Anyway, I wanted to record a memory about how, ever since I could remember having conscious thought, I was always worried/scared about what my "purpose" was. I remember telling my parents I had a "sad feeling" as a kid (seriously) and didn't quite know how to explain it. I remember worrying a whole evening in my room about what "heaven" would be like and how to wrestle with the concept of infinity in general. What would it mean to just live in "heaven" eternally? What would people do? Would I get bored there?

Also, from a young age, I recall being worried about a lack of purpose or goal in whatever I was doing. Even back to "structures" class in kindergarten when there was no clear goal for the 30 mins because you were able to just build random shapes with wooden blocks or whatever. I literally remember crying about it because I didn't know what to fill out in the sheet we had to fill out at the end of the day or whatever. In that sense, maybe I haven't changed and maybe I'll still just searching for someone or something to give me a nice, clear purpose. Maybe those are just the circumstances under which I do best - though isn't that depressing? I will admit that even now I think I do my best work when I have a somewhat vague problem to be solved but yet there's a clear goal nonetheless. I think I have more discipline than the average person and can focus and get things done.

Anyway, the harsh truth is probably that the only meaning we can ascribe to life is the one we created ourselves. No one is going to tell us what it is because, the truth is, no one really knows (unless there's some bigger meaning to human existence like we're a simulation or an experiment) and it seems like a conclusion each individual has to determine on their own anyway.

But yeah, just wanted to record this as I thought it's an interesting memory. The point is, I don't know about others, but these struggles about purpose, meaning and infinity are clearly something I've been wrestling with since the earliest days of my life and probably for the rest of it too. But maybe that's just how it should be - maybe it would be worse to become complacent all in pursuit of some false goal set by "society" and not truly by myself.

Nighttime Routines

 No, this post isn't about fapping.

I've never considered myself to be one of those people who need to listen to music all the time. I know some folks who constantly need to have their earphones out when they do basic tasks such as walking to work, being in an uber, doing work. For me, the only time I enjoy listening to music is when I'm either doing the dishes/cooking (when it's just nice background noise) and late at night to wind down before bed.

For this night time ritual, I usually just turn off all the lights and close my eyes and sit in my computer chair. And then I just listen. I feel that nowadays, most people don't really listen to music and the message it has. But it's a nice feeling when you really do.

So what do I listen to? The interesting part, and the reason I wanted to make this post, is because my taste in music has changed over the years. I remember in high school, I used to be more into songs that talk about being in love and all aspects of it. Of course, I still think those are great songs (like R&B tracks by Usher) but they don't really resonate with me in the same way anymore. Maybe it's because I've gotten more cynical and jaded about the world - or maybe it's because I was naive back in the day and this idea of "being in love" was just what was being sold to us through this media.

Anyway, I guess for the past 4-5 years or so I've been more into listening to songs that tell a general story, usually about a struggle about some individual's journey or reminiscing on the past. Two ones that immediately come to mind are "Money Trees" by Kendrick and "All of the Lights" by Kayne. I think both of these are phenomenal tracks and there's a real story there - about life and the trials that come along with it. Maybe it's a reflection of the fact that I too am thinking about the journey in my life and where I still need to go.

Sometimes, I also think about the fact that I rarely discover new music nowadays. I have about 1k tracks on Spotify and just listen to those on shuffle which, realistically, is probably enough diversity. I feel that the type of music you end up liking will always be biased towards your formative years such as in middle school/high school/early college. But maybe this is also just a character trait of my own and not something I should be projecting onto the general population - maybe this is just more evidence of my own bad habits about holding onto the past for new long instead of going out and discovering new things.

What would make a fulfilling life ?

[Note] It's been a long time since I published a blog but just in case my whole 3 readers actually care, I'm going to start making some private ones public again (with names/places mostly redacted). Maybe someone will find it interesting one day...

It was actually a pretty relaxing weekend. I was here and we all sat down to watch Daughters of Destiny on Netflix for 4 hours which is basically just a documentary about this wealthy guy who took it upon himself to built a school in India for the underprivileged. It helped me to reflect on my values and what was important to me in life - I've always wanted to help others and I think if I was able to complete a project like Dr. George then I would feel like my life was very fulfilling and the time I spent living it would seem worthwhile.

Thinking about it more concretely, I think the only "real" worthwhile things one can do to have a fulfilling life are:

1.) Create some art form of great value (that captures a generation or a major theme - such as 1984 or House for Mr Biswas or Rabbit Run)

2.) Make some fundamental discovery in science/technology or advance engineering/build useful infrastructure.

3.) Educate and help others who are underprivileged 

I think beyond that, nothing else really matters when it comes to living a fulfilling life. Of course, just from a statistics point of view, not everyone can make some major contribution to society but what's important is to view it as a goal that you strive towards. I do believe that our time and presence on earth is a rare gift and we should utilize it the best that we can.

Of course, I don't want to see it as a chore. I want to see it as my mission and something that I enjoy - while it's fun to sometimes just relax and play video games, I think without an over-aching goal to work towards I would easily get depressed.

Another thing that documentary did is make me question my current situation in life. I'm not so naive to think that I'm doing something fundamental or amazing for society - I think it's a decent product and has some usefulness to people (unlike, say, FB which is kind of evil). But, when I think about what I really wanted it was more about just like chasing the prestige of a fancy ML job and for my own ego and to solve interesting technical problems. However, more and more, I'm starting to think that I'm over that phase now - I wrote a paper and by doing so I've proved to myself I can win at that game so why not try something else ?

Maybe that new game is about working on more fundamental research in AI, maybe it's something completely different like VR, maybe it's about finishing a story that I'm actually proud of and can get published. It could be a lot of things - but I think it's time to do something new. I was waiting for a sign and now that ?? announced he was leaving today I think it's time for me to seriously consider moving on as well.