So, I guess in a continuation from my previous post, this was one of those periods where a lot happened in a few weeks. You know the saying, right...
“There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.”
And indeed a lot did happen. I feel happy, in a way. Like I'm out here really living life and experiencing things. But I also feel guilty - I think I care less about my current job and I am neglecting family responsibilities a bit.
Anyway, let's continue where I left off after the first time. I did go to the VC bbq and met up with ?? and his billionaire wife. I felt a bit awkward telling them that I decided to work for a year at ?? but I felt they were still impressed overall - but seemed skeptical that I would reach out again a year. But I do want to reach out again in a year - I think I'm at a crossroads in my life where I finally need to take the plunge and work on the research/projects I want to. The window definitely feels like it's closing.
Things also escalated pretty quickly with K, though perhaps it's more in my head. To paint a picture, I had my company offsite on Tuesday and had to wake up at like 9am. I randomly ended up having a "whiteboard" session with K until 3am in her lab where we ordered doordash and just chatted and it was...well, great. Nothing sexual or physical happened and I didn't even mention any feelings towards her - we mostly just gossiped about other people in our friend group and our own past experiences. But we touched on very deep topics such as what it means to love another person, how you might never find your 10/10 person and will likely settle, and if "normies" are really happy. I guess my POV is that I don't believe that normies are really happy at their core (normies = people who just stay on the traditional path and get married / have kids) especially if they have some amount of self-awareness.
I didn't sleep until 5am probably and then woke up and had to survive all day at the offsite. It was rough but I did feel "alive" in some sense. I think these crazy moments and somewhat bad choices are what defines an interesting life (I suppose "bad" is not a great word here - "spontaneous" is more like it). Anyway, I crashed out to D and I at our offsite about her (I think I was probably swooning and it was cringe so I appreciate their patience, haha...) and then saw her again on Wednesday night before my 7am flight to Austin for the baby shower / high school reunion thing for the long weekend (more details on that in a later "poast")
Anyway, the point I wanted to make above is that spontaneous decisions do make you feel like you're alive but they come at a cost (ie. my sleep/health). I guess as I told D, I'm always willing to sacrifice my sleep or health for a new experience.
But yeah...I still don't know about K. I think I just love that experience of getting to know someone deeply for the first time, when you stay up until 3am and just share your hopes and dreams. If I could do that forever, then I would. But it's like you can only experience it once with a given person (I kind of had this with S as well and it was also beautiful). So I'm not sure if I'm in love with K or just the experience. I guess there was the minor problem that she said she's kinda asexual / never felt strongly about anyone before, and the age gap is kinda sus so I really don't see it working out. She did mention that she likes "toxic" guys and kept saying how we were both toxic so I don't really know...but I should just tell her how I feel and see where it goes. I don't want to have any regrets and I actually feel kinda confident in this case that we could probably just continue being close friends unless I royally fuck things up. But maybe I'm just being flighty - I do think I have someone pretty compatible/nice in S and perhaps I've just become ensnared in the grass is always greener trap.
Honestly, it might just have been a fleeting infatuation. Cause when I hungout with her and A again in Toronto, I didn't really feel that much even though I was thinking about it in the back of my head a lot. It just felt like at 3am that it's much easier to feel chemistry with someone. Also, I basically had to hold back explosive diarrhea for 4 hours while I was hanging out so that put a damper on things (especially my abdomen).
It's weird though because I also think A and her are really good together, and I find it hard to believe she'd choose me over him (if she wanted to be with anyone at all). I'd be happy to see them together (if I was a good person) since they are both my friends and are compatible in a cultural way as well. I don't know..maybe if we hangout alone back home I'll see how I feel again and if it's just 3am bias. I do really admire her self-awareness and drive to succeed as a scientist. I also like that she challenges herself and has great mental strength.
Ohh, the another weird thing to mention is that when I was thinking about her, I kind of didn't even ?? to ??. It's like a spell was broken in some way. It's weird because she's not even that physically attractive (though when she does dress fancy it's kinda hot) especially compared to S but for the first time I understood how you could be attracted to someone even if they aren't conventionally beautiful. To be fair, I think we're probably like the same rough level of attractiveness. But it's just sometimes I see girls on insta (like B) who have these very performative (but beautiful) pictures and wonder if I want that life. But I don't really want it, I just probably lust for them in a transient anyway. I don't want to be out partying in Italy or whatever, I want to be spending my time towards either pursuing some scientific contribution, doing something creative or having a positive impact on the world.
Anyway, I should probably wrap up this post for me. I hope that, at the very least, K and I will remain close friends for a long time but I hope there's more than that to it as well.
Oh she did as one thing when we were hanging out in Toronto, about if I'd still come back to ?? after I leave. It was kind of abrupt and I wondered why she asked. Maybe she would miss me or just feeling tender after F left as well.
p.s. I guess she's a big reason I did the half marathon and got into running again so...there's that.
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