It's been a quiet start to the new year and, for the most part, things have been quite relaxing. Or they would be if I didn't have to all these choices looming in the back of my mind. Choices about the logistics of taking a leave from work, worries about going back to SF due to COVID and then the whole Florida plan which ended up falling through. But, in the end, we can't expect life to be easy all the time.
In fact, it's been about 3 months since I've been at home and I am starting to feel restless now. The issue with home is that I feel there's no sense of progress. While that may be fine if I knew there was a concrete end date in sight for this pandemic, I feel this is just how the world is going to be for a while and I need to just start moving on with my (modified) life.
Am I scared about going? Not really, I think if anything I would have been more scared in August about not knowing what to expect. I'm scared about the logistics of it all and naturally worried about getting COVID (and having to take a test before and all that) but I shouldn't let a day of inconvenience stop me from doing what has to be done. All I can do is take precautions to the best of my ability and continue forwards.
What about everything else? I decided to only take 2 classes this quarter and am taking a few weeks off work. Honestly, I don't feel that motivated about work anymore and might interview at some other places. It just somehow feels like the magic is gone ever since Prashant left and I finished the Egghead paper. As M said, "all good things come to an end" and I can kind of see that I'm drawing things out longer than they need to be. That's not to say it's bad, things are actually pretty good financially but I can definitely see myself being unhappy if I stayed another year (unless something changes significantly).
What else to say? I guess the whole relationship thing is on hold. I sometimes think about Dez now and again but there's not much to say - it is what it is and sometimes there isn't really a reason why we don't find others interesting anymore. There's not always a clear rationale for everything.
I am curious about seeing ?? when I get back and it is something I'm looking forward to exploring more. It's a bit nice to have something to look forward to though I'm not sure how it will turn out or I'm just doing this because I'm trying to fill some kind of gap in my life. Nonetheless, only time will tell.
The world has changed so much but somehow I feel the same. I never much cared for travelling or big events anyway, I'm more annoyed by the inconveniences and, of course, the mounting death toll. On a micro scale, I'm more concerned about not writing enough (but when am I not?) and how I can get out of this local maximum that I feel my life is currently in.
Oh, I guess one other tidbit is that I read a story J shared with me today about this lonely new grad in silicon valley working at some unnamed tech company. It's clearly too real to not be based on his real experiences and I was wondering a bit why I never felt that way. I think, honestly, it's because I had the true "Friends" experience when I lived in downtown ?? and met ?? and ?? and ??. We had a really great friend dynamic and, as I've said other times on this blog, I came to understand what it was like to truly have a "friend" group. When I moved to ?? I had already experienced that and wasn't longing for it - it was more like a new adventure and I was ready for it.
Anyway, it is what it is. There's no point wanting or hoping life will be comfortable all the time - the only way we can make progress is through struggle and adaption. Sure, we all need a break once in a while but inevitably we can only achieve true happiness by going back to rolling the stone up the hill, again and again and again...
