Success Goggles

It is generallyaccepted that there is no consensus on what makes a person successful in this day and age. For some, success is embodied by the pursuit of knowledge while for others it is intricately tied to financial gain and so on. But determining what success means to you as an individual is usually a question which requires significant life experience to answer. Unfortunately, from a young age we are constantly plagued by conventional ideas about success which ultimately distorts our whole perspective on life.

The one example I'm sure everyone can relate to are the concepts of “grades” which are ubiquitous in education systems throughout the world. Shortly after we begin formal schooling, we’re led to believe that our mastery of a subject is accurately represented by a number from 0–100 or something similar. If we receive above a certain number multiple times, then we’re generally honoured for it by receiving shiny certificates or fancy plaques that make us feel happy in a materialistic way. But, does this really mean we’re successful? Or merely that we knew the correct topics to study, the right answers to give and the proper way to play the game?

The point here, of course, is that whether or not you consider yourself to be successful is entirely subjective. Perhaps you really focused on studying and understanding the material to achieve a high grade in which case you should feel a genuine sense of accomplishment. Conversely, maybe all the questions were unchanged from last year’s exam so you were able to ace it just by memorizing and without an iota of deeper understanding. However, regardless of how you achieved this feat you still receive the same positive result such as that lovely “A+” grade on your transcript. The problem I'm trying to illustrate is that receiving external praise tends to shift our attention away from our own ideas of success. Instead, we begin to focus on how best to maintain the psychological “high” that comes from being told we’re doing well even if it’s not based on our own standards.

This dilemma is at the heart of an issue that many young people face today. Society tends to give us sparkling accolades for certain accomplishments while completely ignoring others. As a result, we find ourselves biased towards certain jobs, college programs or even hobbies merely for the sake of maintaining this positive-feedback loop. Consequently, we tend to turn a blind eye to any other interests we might have because we have become reliant on external praise to motivate us. The bottom line is that when you are too obsessed with hearing about how well you've done, it seems ridiculous to attempt anything new for fear of failure.

I used to be one of these people. I had always achieved high grades in school, received many awards for it, and eventually found myself caring more about a number on a transcript than what I actually learned. I felt as if my happiness was contingent on continuing to achieve this type of “success” and it placed an enormous amount of pressure on me. It’s only now, once I've removed my so-called “success goggles”, that I am able to see clearly and understand that society forces us to care more about the act of succeeding than what we are actually succeeding at.

In fact, when I finished writing my first novel, I remember feeling a distinct sense of pride that usually wasn't present when I received another perfect score on a test. The interesting part was that very few people even cared about this story. No one really gave me any praise and I certainly didn’t receive any awards for it. However, the reason it was so meaningful was simply because this goal was born not out of society’s expectations but my own vision of success. What truly made me feel successful was the simple fact that I had set out on this important goal of writing a novel and had seen it through from beginning to end. This is just one example of how success can seem more real when it is untainted by external influences and instead shaped by your own passions.

To be clear, the point of this piece is not to convince you to completely disregard what society, your peers or even your family says. Instead, it is argue that a life built around an idea of success perpetuated by others is simply not sustainable in the long term. Just because you are told that you are “good” at something does not mean it is what you have to study in school, do for a career or even practice in your spare time. Eventually, you’ll realize that you cannot achieve happiness by following someone else’s vision of success. Trust in yourself and never underestimate the sound of your inner voice in a world filled with noise.

Above all, do not chose to simply allow society to dictate when you are succeeding or what is worthy of being meaningful. Success should not be restricted to conventional ideas such as receiving awards in school, getting job promotions or buying expensive new cars. It is the responsibility of every individual to formulate their own definition of success — for this is one of the first steps towards leading a fulfilling life.

It's OK to not know

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
― Ernest Hemingway

From a young age, we are indoctrinated into thinking that we need to have a long term plan in order to succeed. When I was a child, the most common question I remember overbearing relatives asking me was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” as if that was a pressing concern for a ten year old to have. Consequently, as I got older, I became increasingly nervous about the fact that I didn't feel interested enough about anything to see myself doing it as a career in the future. Every time I reached what I considered to be a critical juncture in my life, from what courses to take in high school to what colleges to apply to once I graduated, there was always this lingering sense of anxiety because I didn't know what it was all leading towards.

In the end, I somehow decided that being a doctor was a career worth pursuing. After all, I was certainly smart enough and my family/friends often commented that it was a very respectable and stable life for one to have. It was only by a cruel twist of fate that I was rejected from the prestigious health science program I had my heart set on and instead forced to go with my second option — Engineering. Despite my disappointment, I did not let this setback deter me. I was still fairly set on becoming a doctor and planned to just major in Biochemical Engineering and apply to Medical school upon graduating. It sounded quite easy – in theory.

However, by the end of my first year seeds of doubt were already beginning to sprout in my mind. I realized that I disliked chemistry labs, had no interest in the healthcare system and when I spoke to medical students I felt no passion towards the life they described. On the other hand, I began programming Android apps just “for fun” and came to really enjoy the time I spent at the recreational mathematics club I joined earlier in the year. The decision should have been obvious at this point — but it wasn't. It was a gruelling process plagued by heated discussions with my parents, a mountain of paperwork and constantly second-guessing myself. Nonetheless, three years later I graduated with a degree in Applied Math and Computing and I could not have been happier with my college experience.

Of course, I realize my story isn't unique but unfortunately I think the ending of it is. I've seen too many of peers become trapped in a program or job simply because they feel as if they have come too far to turn back. The truth is that most of them never opened their mind to other possibilities until, in their eyes, it was too late. We should all be extremely wary when predicting how we’ll feel about something in the future – especially young people. It seems ridiculous to me now that back in college I was effectively making a decision that would affect at least the next four years of my life based on some preconceived notions I had formed during adolescence.

The point I'm trying to make is that we need to all take smaller steps on our journey through life and update our goals as we proceed. Life is a continually iterative process — what makes you content now might not hold true in a few years. And, that’s OK. It’s OK to be uncertain about where you are heading in life — as long as you are always critically thinking about where you want to go. Every action we take provides us with information that we can use to make better decisions in future. Sure, perhaps your first job out of college didn't turn out to be your “dream career” but at least you've discovered what you don’twant to do and armed with this knowledge you’re now a little closer to finding out what does interest you.

As a disclaimer, I do want to add that you should give every new opportunity an adequate time commitment before you decide it’s just not for you. Don’t spend your whole life bouncing between careers or partners just because they seem unappealing at first. But at the same time, don’t be afraid to acknowledge when something isn't working out. It’s a fine balance which is only achieved through life experience.

More than any generation before us, our lives are filled with choices and the ability to dictate who we will become. One could argue this is both a blessing and a curse but it is important to not lose sight of the fact that a plethora of choices are available to us. We don’t live in the same era our parents did so don’t be afraid to take a more meandering path through life as opposed to a linear one. Above all, be honest with yourself about what will bring you happiness and try to filter out the external noise when deciding what course to take – you are the only person who has to live your life.

High school poetry

Probably my favourite piece from high school.

Photograph

I see myself for a moment suspended in time

A frozen image of my life at its prime

Coated by a thin glass frame

I wish things could always stay the same

I see the tale that my features belie

Hidden by this great disguise

I paint a content expression on my face

So perfectly that it can't be erased

I see a backdrop littered with useless drones

A crowd for which no feeling resides

A scene which manages to ensnare the past

And capture it so that it'll always last

I see those who weaved in and out,

Those whose friendship only made me doubt.

Yet there is one observation I did not yet make,

Perhaps the only thing that can't be fake

I see the only person who's shared my laugh

Beside me in this photograph

The Reason

The past is something that has always fascinated me. It simultaneously motivates us, condemns us and reminds us of our mistakes among other things. The past is something that always exists in our minds but just how real is it?  I read a very profound line in a novel once which went something like:

 "When it comes to the past, we all stack the deck." 

Which basically means that, at one point or another, we've all altered our memories to remember things in a different manner. I think this is most noticeable with emotions. Sometimes we try to be tough and not remember ourselves being as frightened as we really were during a confrontation. Or perhaps, upon ending a relationship we try to convince ourselves that we were never really in love with a specific person. It's actually extremely disheartening to think that I might actually be manipulating real emotions with false ones that are seemingly better to remember. I never want to forget the truth, no matter how mundane or ugly it might be - and that was my initial motivation for this blog. Sadly, the vast majority of people don't even reflect on the past but only worry about the future without wondering how they arrived at the present. I don't believe my life is defined by a few key events but rather incrementally by the actions I choose to make everyday - that's why I'm obsessed with having a record of my past. And that's the reason this blog exists.

Death

Today is probably one day in my life that I think I'll remember. It still seems pretty surreal. I used to think that the most comforting thing about life was that people/objects were continuous in space and time. If that's the case, why is it possible that someone who you were just heard on the phone a night ago can then turn up dead by such a random event the next day? I don't understand it. I'll probably never understand it.

It bothers me that there's no reason to rationalize why things like this happen. We see death everyday on the news, but we don't really see it. We don't really believe it in our hearts how much it hurts. Humans are selfish. We have such a limited emotional range and can only really seem to care when tragedy falls right into our lap. I keep asking myself, how can such terrible things happen? Is tragedy the only common thread in all our lives?

I'm scared about getting older and dealing with the deaths of ones whom I love. I guess you could say I don't really believe in the conventional idea of Heaven, but, when you really see death, one begins to really wish and hope that something like that did exist. If you try to just accept the world as it is, you'll simply find what seems like a random, aimless, cold mess without any order or meaning. So, why am I here? Why have I survived but others have lost their lives in such meaningless ways? I wish I had the answer to these questions.

It seems almost cruel to go on without fully believing that people can be killed and disappear from our lives so easily. It's not difficult for me to move on - I know I have tons of extra things to do in order to keep me busy but...how can life really be so fickle?

That's all, really. The discontinuities of life are truly terrifying. Why can't people slowly die or fade away asymptotically...instead of being here one day and gone the next? It's just so hard to imagine...

Poetry 2

Probably written about 4 years ago. 

City Heartbeat

I gaze down at the constellation below

And I see the jungle they illuminate with their glow

Stretching out to the very corners of my vision

They guide weary eyes through this concrete prison

I see lonely cars moving slowly along

Trying to fight their way through an endless throng

Inside, there resides passengers lonely as well

Unable to connect through this metal shell

However, regardless of all the beauty in this scene

It's nothing more than a collection of machines

All that's left for us to cherish beneath this sky

Is the silence of a world gone by

The End of Another Era

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. But, today is a special occasion in my mind  - the end of my undergraduate career. Looking back, I've realized that one way in which I can quantify all the ways I've changed is by reading my past blogs. And, since I'm not too fond of photographs, I think the best way to capture my emotions at this culmination of four years in Uni-town is through the only medium I know how - text.

I wanted to start this blog off with some dramatic analogy like "I feel as I'm standing on the edge of a towering cliff, looking down into a sea of possibilities but y afraid to dive in". However, the truth is, everything feels pretty surreal. It's hard to imagine never again having to sit those lecture halls I've been attending for four years now, and never again seeing the familiar university landscape. Most of all, this year I've definitely strived to be more social and "hang out" with people more which has turned out to be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I've felt like I have been able to experience more of the "typical college" type of life involving going to parties, staying out late and beer pong. On the flip side, I feel as if it's going to make me miss everyone even more.

Firstly, there's my Badminton Club friends. I've become a lot closer with them this past year and, to be honest, Badminton Club has been a huge part of my life at Uni. It was really the first place where I felt a sense of community (since I immediately did not fit with the typical "frat boy" white guys in Eng.) and it was a great escape from school work. We really had a great group dynamic and I just want to record one moment here because I know it'll make me happy when I go back and read in the future. After the last day of Club this year, we were just fooling around, vaguely wondering what we should do. And then, very spontaneously, we noticed someone had left floor hockey equipment outside of the gym. So, we played a very fun game of r 4v4 floor hockey. It was physically exhausting but everyone was laughing the whole time. Ultimately, Badminton Club made me feel at home at a time in my life when I was truly beginning to feel homesick and miss high school back in first year.

Then, there's my Apple Math friends who I've definitely become more close with this year  probably because, as mentioned before, I've been more social and attended more parties/hangouts. I also realized that I'm not that different from them. As we casually joke around, we're all nerds here. I'll miss the unique atmosphere of hanging around in the cave and playing Halo/Startcraft.

Then, there's other random people like J and D. But they probably deserve a blog post of their own.

Honestly, my emotions today weren't even correlated to the people I was going to miss (I just naturally started talking about it once I began to write this blog) but more of the University atmosphere in this town. I'll honestly miss it so much. I also realized today, though I had of course known it all along, that I'm so grateful to have amazing Professors and mentors along the way. When I was talking about a possible prof I might work with next year, he mentioned how great my letters of reference were and that really did tug at my heartstrings. I think its pretty rare to find people who actually take an interest in your well-being and want you to succeed and will do anything they can to help you. But, of course, I should be telling my Profs this rather than telling myself - and I will.

Ultimately, the reason I'll miss this place so much is because of fact that I enjoyed my time here and, I think, developed a lot as a person. It's bitter-sweet but I suppose that's just the nature of any period one enjoys in their life. But these four years have really been a journey and sometimes I've been very uncertain with regards to not knowing what to do next, what program to go into, how to pay tuition, what to do for the summer. But somehow, things always seemed to work out. I'm not sure if this is due to fate, or the fact that I was just motivated to succeed, or both. It's hard to tell.

In the end, I've had people ask me "Do your life would have been any different if you had went to University X instead?" I think that's a stupid question. No one can accurately quantify how differently their life would have been or how they would have felt if they chose a different path, so why bother even speculating. What I do know, and the only thing that I believe is important, is that I've enjoyed the path that I chose for University and I think it has given me a good foundation for success in the future. And really, that's all that matters.

Dat Changes (again)

So, its my final semester in my final year (I hope?) of undergrad. I have a plethora of work to do actually but yet I wanted to really take some time out of my day and blog. To be fair, this semester has been much more relaxed than most and I usually find myself playing games/sports and in general doing more leisurely activities than I have in any other semester. Though, that's not to say the workload isn't comparable...

Anyway, the point of this post was to again, briefly mention that I'm feeling somewhat lost. This last semester could potentially mark the entire of life that is pretty much all that I've known. I'm talking about, of course, as being a student. The truth is, I'm not really sure what I want to do after I graduate or what really interests me. Sometimes, its's hard to tell if its fear or just legitimate uninterested in a topic that's holding me back. For example, I'm somewhat reluctant to go to grad school because I'm afraid it'll be too hard for me to understand the concepts and I feel like this leads me to feel like I'm not interested in it. But its hard to decouple these two emotions - is this fear of inadequacy leading me to feel like I'm interested in grad school or...am I legit just not interested in learning more?

To be honest, I really do love learning and I think that I wouldn't mind continuing to learn. I guess I should not to choose to forgo a future path just because I'm scared of failure - nothing worth doing is ever easy. The other option, of course, would be to get a job. However, in this respect, it's hard enough to find a job nowadays let alone a /good/ job that I like. But, the only jobs I really want to get, I realize, are not jobs I am legitimately interested in doing but more because I think those jobs are very "renowned". So maybe, I just need to do some soul searching for what I really want. Nonetheless, I still have this kind of confidence that something will work out for me...and that I'll see the right path soon enough.

The last thing I wanted to mention (which was supposed to be the real point of this post) is that how I feel like people are all hypocrites and judgmental except when it comes to themselves.  Recently, a friend who I didn't think was that smart got a rather prestigious job and I was kind of annoyed because IMO it seemed like she didn't really deserve it. Nonetheless, I always tell this friend how smart she is, and even though she doesn't get the highest marks because I do think she has genuine talent but just can't manage her time. However, I feel kind of (ie. very) annoyed that she received such a lucrative offer when it kind of went against all the positive things I had been telling her. In this sense, I feel kind of sickened by myself. Why do I say things if I don't really believe them? I SHOULD be happy for her.

The really hypocritical part is that usually people are annoyed or look down on inferior people who received awards they think we don't deserve but yet if someone was to offer me a prestigious job that I was "below" I would be delighted to have such a chance to prove myself. But yet, this makes me a huge hypocrite. By the same logic, I should be delighted that this friend received an offer also since it is as if she is getting a chance to prove herself.

Anyway, the point is, I really need to change and be more objective. Humans are composed of a great deal of "bad" (not that bad and good really exist) qualities such as natural competition and jealously, but I need to look beyond that. I need to think of everyone as a human being just like with hopes and dreams.

Also, as my other friend mentioned a few days ago, you can't go through life constantly comparing yourself to others. I think real happiness comes from the knowledge that you've surpassed the own limits that you've set down for yourself and these limits can vary for anyone. Maybe, for a handicapped individual, walking across the room is a big deal, but for me its...an everyday experience. In that respect, people need to remind themselves of this notion of scope and how it differs from person to person.

Same goes for me. I need to find my own path and set down and achieve my own goals. It kind of reminds me of the GRE exam where for the multiple choice questions, the only way to succeed is to have an original answer in mind BEFORE you read the multiple choice answers and get confused. In this sense, I believe in my own life I need to have my own answer and my own path in mind since if I look at everyone else's paths (i.e. answers) I'll just get confused and sidetracked. I need to figure out what I want to do and I need to measure my success in a more meaningful way irrespective of others.

Anyway, the point is...I need to not be selfish.