Fear of Change?

I remember when my parents bought their new house in ?? last year, my sister joked that she wasn't sure if I'd like it because "I don't like change". At first, I thought she was just poking fun at me as usual, but maybe she had touched upon a deeper truth.

Another unrelated event which made me think of this blog post, is that my brother was asking my younger cousin (who's around 20 or so), what the peak of her life was so far? She said it was when she it was 4 and it was all downhill from there. This got a round of nervous laughter from us all, but it did get me thinking.

So, what's the consensus? Am I afraid of change? Do I feel like my life has "peaked" in some real sense?

I think I'm pretty confident that the answer to the latter question is no. I think there's still many ways my life could be improved or things that I could work towards. In a practical sense, we don't really get "choose" what we do the first ~20 years of life or so (need to go to high school and then likely college). Even after you graduate, most likely you have to get a job to pay the bills and make ends meet in general. I'm fortunate enough that hopefully in the next 2-3 years, I really have the freedom to pursue whatever I want. Whether that's a blessing or a curse, I think it's too soon to say. But, the point is that it has the potential to be blessing and that's what's matters in the end. Also, I feel if you genuinely believe your life has already peaked then what are you even living for? In order to move forward, you need to have some hope that the future can be better than the past. As I said before, the "goal" of life/existence is not just to survive as long as possible - it's to do something meaningful while you are alive.

What about the first question? Am I really afraid of change? 

It's tangentially related, but I do feel that I am more nostalgic than most people. I genuinely care about the opinions of my past self (hence, the whole reason for this blog) and try to actually complete goals that I've set out for myself in the past. I think about the past often and even go back and re-read old blogs at least once a month (if I can make it through the cringe).

That being said, I feel that being nostalgic is not exactly the same as being afraid of change. Though, if you forced me to give a straight answer I would probably say that, in general, I am afraid of change. My rationale is related to the previous answer actually - while I don't think my life is at the "peak", I am quite happy with what I have (in terms of the big things). Everyone I care about in my family/friends is still alive and financially things are OK, for example. It seems hard to imagine that if one of my mom/dad/siblings/close friends die, that I could ever be as "happy" as am I now, even if I were to be more successful in other ways. Of course, I recognize that perhaps that isn't healthy - we shouldn't define our happiness by whether other people are around, but I do feel that it's difficult to do when it comes to old friends/family. Especially parents. I've known my mom/dad my whole life, so in some ways in feels surreal (in a very scary way) to imagine a life without them?

I feel like, if a "perfect" life is the peak of some mountain and my current happiness is represented by how high up said metaphorical mountain I am, then I'm already I'm decent way to the top (maybe 70%). So, statistically, I just feel like there's many more ways to fall down than to climb up. There's many more ways for my life to get worse than there are for it to get better, so perhaps that's why I feel more afraid about this notion of "change"?

On the other hand, I also do feel that things are changing, especially with my brother and sister recently getting married. In fact, my brother even went off and bought his own house, which I am happy for him, but I also feel like I might slowly drift apart with my siblings. In some ways, I don't understand why people want to "join" the family of their S.O or even start one of their own. If you already like your current family, why do you need more? Ok, well I guess, "starting of your own" is a bit more defensible, since you perhaps want to leave a legacy or have something outlast you etc. Maybe we all just want to leave some kind of legacy behind, and that's one of the core motivations for all of human existence.

Anyway, on a practical note, I am worried about how family dynamics will play out in the future. When my parents die, and if my siblings have moved on to their own families, what will be left for me? We can never back the days when we all just lived under one roof and were able to go on vacations together with just the five of us as a family. But, maybe that's just the nostalgia talking again. Ultimately, it feels like we're in some kind of existential prisoner's dilemmas game - where perhaps the ideal move is to always stay together but if you're optimizing for your own interests then you'll go out and start your own family?

But I do recognize there's a big caveat to all this. If you don't like your current family/friends then of course it makes sense to seek out change and not care so much if they die or whatever. But, invariably, when you find yourself surrounded by a group of people you do love, then won't you just be faced with the same general fear of change as I am now? I guess the "true" solution is to try and rise above it all, dissociate your happiness from the company of others and just enjoy the moment for what it is. Of course, it's easier said that done.

Maybe it's natural I'm thinking of death more, especially about my parents. My dad had a "fall" today while we were playing Pickleball and he's going in for surgery in about two weeks (unrelated to the fall). Sometimes, I felt like my parents would just be seemingly healthy forever, but I can see them start to get old now and serves a stark reminder for the fact that, regardless of what I do, change is out there looming on the horizon.

The Burden of Expectations

 I've been home for about two months now and I suppose that I've been feeling kind of in a low mood this past week or so. Maybe it's because things at home feel so much more emotionally volatile - there's always some family drama (ie. my sister is pissed at my mom, my mom is pissed at my sister-in-law or my dad is feeling tired/sick but doesn't say anything and we all get pissed at him). Unsurprisingly, I find it hard to get any work done at home especially from the rather quiet lifestyle I've had from being on my own for the past 7 years.

That being said, I wish I could make my mom's life easier. She is stubborn but she does have valid points about perhaps my dad and sister expecting too much help from her. I guess that's not what this post is really about though. What this post was about was the more general dilemma I feel at home - between having a life that consists of generally being surrounded by family/friends or focusing on work/research and really trying to do something new.

I still believe that you can't really have both. To do great/significant work, you have to immerse yourself in it. Even if you have a family later on, I feel like there's some period in the life of any great scientist/artist/academic/writer when they really just hunkered down and focused in solitude. I suppose the "depressing" part though is that this is only a necessary condition for "success" but certainly not a sufficient one. You can spend literal years trying to write a novel, or come up with a new scientific theory but the most likely outcome is always going to be that it doesn't amount to anything.

I know where I'm going with this and it's, of course, the notion that you shouldn't get too caught up with results. If I want to really enjoy my life and the process of scientific discovery (or studying AI stuff) then I shouldn't place so much pressure on myself to really do something "significant". Sure, I should try my "best", but I should want to do spend my time doing these things because I really enjoy the process and act of learning. I think doing something with the expectation that it will result in a "success" or a ground-breaking new theory is just a fool's errand and a fast-track to becoming depressed.

But that raises another point that I've been turning over in my. mind - what does trying my "best" really mean in this context? Should I quit my job to pursue AI research on my own? Join a startup (like GI)? Spend less time with my family so I can focus on research? Avoid all friends + relationships so I can focus on research? I feel like there's so many different levels of intensity and it's hard to know what's the "right" one. I guess, the optimal level of effort is the one where I still feel fulfilled from research but also still obtain happiness from other relationships as well. It's just hard to know what that point is sometimes.

I turned 31 this year and I feel like, I'm more aware than ever, that my time on this earth (or in this existence) is quickly passing by. In just 9 more years, I'll be 40 which is basically what I consider as a fully fledged "adult", which is crazy to think about. I feel a sense of urgency - like if I want to dedicate a year or two of my time to really pursuing some creative idea then now is the time to do it.

I've written about this before, it's really nothing new. But I think deep down (maybe out of some naive dream) I believe that I have to try. I don't feel like I want to go down the conventional path (get married, have kids, live in a suburban house with a white picket fence) until I've tried some alternative. What's the point in being conventional anyways? The only person who has to live your life is you and I think everyone should have the expectation that the only point of their existence is to live up to their creative potential. This isn't a video game - there's no "bonus" points for just surviving as long as possible if you aren't spending your time in a way you feel is significant. Especially if you have the financial freedom to do.

I guess, in the end, it's hard choice. I can't do everything. I can't spend lots of time with my family, be a great AI researcher, climb the career ladder, be a famous novelist etc. I have to choose 1-2 to focus on and with the full knowledge that I probably won't have a significant impact in whatever I choose. But maybe that's OK. Maybe having the freedom to choose and just trudge along this journey itself is all the reward I need. I think it's like M (my senior at work), always says "the ability to do meaningful work itself is the reward"

Life in the Big City

    It's been about two months since my last post and I suppose life has been a bit more relaxed lately. Or rather, I'm trying to relax as I'm mostly back home at my parents place for the summer. I've been telling myself that it's OK to chill, that I need to catch up on sleep and have the ability to just play video games/read books/let my mind wander. But somehow, the inevitable anxiety that I'm not doing enough with regards to work/research/job hunting creeps up and makes me feel guilty on most days here.

    That being said, I probably shouldn't make things seem overly dramatic. I am getting a chance to relax more (on average) while I'm here. Besides, I think learning how to relax and be able to reset yourself mentally is a skill that I just need to get better at. As I've mentioned numerous times before in previous points, I think I have this compulsion where I feel like I always need to be doing something or "being productive" in order to feel at peace. Furthermore, the very act of "doing something" for me also has a high bar - I can't just be doing some mindless task for work but, rather, I only feel "happy" when I feel like I've utilized some type of creative thinking for the day (such as when I get a chance to write or think about neuroscience research stuff). Even "happy" is a rather loose term here since maybe I'm just fooling myself and desperately wanting to be the kind of person that gets happy from doing deep work but, the bottom line is, it seems like I need to do at least X hours of deep work a day to really feel satisfied.

    In terms of concrete things, I went on a trip to NYC for about a week and it's the first time I've been back since the pandemic. I really enjoyed it actually despite having a pretty introverted personality. There was a certain energy to the city that just isn't there on the west coast and I felt more motivated to work hard when it (seemed) like most people around me were too. I also liked NYC because it felt like people were always out and about - my friends were down to hang out until pretty late even on weekends - and it just felt like there was so much more to do in general. I think I might seriously consider staying there a few months for the year now.

    Related to the last point, I know I've talked about it numerous times before but I really like it's time to make some type of job/city change. I'm starting to interview with start ups again (which seems kind of daunting) but I really think that, by the end of this year, I need to make the leap. Even if it doesn't work out, I need to be able to say I tried to really be at peace. This is the story of my life it seems - just needing to prove things to myself to be able to move on, but perhaps not really reflecting on whether it makes me happy. But, the time I took off work to go to NYC (and also being in NYC itself) really gave me some clarity on the fact that there's no need to be stuck in my current lifestyle - I have the ability to change things if I want it. Again, I'm probably being too harsh, using words like "stuck" because I do enjoy my life in SF but, the bottom line is that I shouldn't be too resistant to change. There are other good options out there and they might even be better than what I'm doing now.

    In terms of relationships, I went a few dates such as with S and P.  P was a flop but S seemed pretty cool - easygoing and we felt pretty comfortable with each other in a short time. However, not sure if the romantic aspect is really there. I'll try to make a specific blog reflecting on relationships and if it's really worth it for me but, until then, I think recording the facts is all I can say.

    The last thing I wanted to mention is that my parents also came to visit me in NYC for a few days while I was there. This is something I encouraged because I really wanted them to do more as they are getting old. As my mom so rightfully said, their life is probably coming to an end in the next 5-10 years so they should try to do interesting things while they can. It's pretty sad to think about it but there's no point running from the truth - I should cherish the time I have left with them. At first, I was pretty annoyed they wanted to come with me (even for a few days) as I thought it would make things more stressful at the airport etc. While things were indeed more stressful, I'm glad that they came because we got to do things I wouldn't have done on my own - such as going to the Barry Manilowe show at Radio City which was definitely an experience. The production value was top notch (Barry told stories about his upbringing in between songs, which helped to lighten the mood) and even did a side-by-side rendition of some songs with an old video from 1975.

    I suppose that's all for now. I hope to dive a bit deeper into my relationship thoughts in another blog post but, for this summer, I'd rather just focus on my own health along with taking the time to really see what other jobs are out there and not being afraid to take that leap if a interesting opportunity arises.