It's been about two months since my last post and I suppose life has been a bit more relaxed lately. Or rather, I'm trying to relax as I'm mostly back home at my parents place for the summer. I've been telling myself that it's OK to chill, that I need to catch up on sleep and have the ability to just play video games/read books/let my mind wander. But somehow, the inevitable anxiety that I'm not doing enough with regards to work/research/job hunting creeps up and makes me feel guilty on most days here.
That being said, I probably shouldn't make things seem overly dramatic. I am getting a chance to relax more (on average) while I'm here. Besides, I think learning how to relax and be able to reset yourself mentally is a skill that I just need to get better at. As I've mentioned numerous times before in previous points, I think I have this compulsion where I feel like I always need to be doing something or "being productive" in order to feel at peace. Furthermore, the very act of "doing something" for me also has a high bar - I can't just be doing some mindless task for work but, rather, I only feel "happy" when I feel like I've utilized some type of creative thinking for the day (such as when I get a chance to write or think about neuroscience research stuff). Even "happy" is a rather loose term here since maybe I'm just fooling myself and desperately wanting to be the kind of person that gets happy from doing deep work but, the bottom line is, it seems like I need to do at least X hours of deep work a day to really feel satisfied.
In terms of concrete things, I went on a trip to NYC for about a week and it's the first time I've been back since the pandemic. I really enjoyed it actually despite having a pretty introverted personality. There was a certain energy to the city that just isn't there on the west coast and I felt more motivated to work hard when it (seemed) like most people around me were too. I also liked NYC because it felt like people were always out and about - my friends were down to hang out until pretty late even on weekends - and it just felt like there was so much more to do in general. I think I might seriously consider staying there a few months for the year now.
Related to the last point, I know I've talked about it numerous times before but I really like it's time to make some type of job/city change. I'm starting to interview with start ups again (which seems kind of daunting) but I really think that, by the end of this year, I need to make the leap. Even if it doesn't work out, I need to be able to say I tried to really be at peace. This is the story of my life it seems - just needing to prove things to myself to be able to move on, but perhaps not really reflecting on whether it makes me happy. But, the time I took off work to go to NYC (and also being in NYC itself) really gave me some clarity on the fact that there's no need to be stuck in my current lifestyle - I have the ability to change things if I want it. Again, I'm probably being too harsh, using words like "stuck" because I do enjoy my life in SF but, the bottom line is that I shouldn't be too resistant to change. There are other good options out there and they might even be better than what I'm doing now.
In terms of relationships, I went a few dates such as with S and P. P was a flop but S seemed pretty cool - easygoing and we felt pretty comfortable with each other in a short time. However, not sure if the romantic aspect is really there. I'll try to make a specific blog reflecting on relationships and if it's really worth it for me but, until then, I think recording the facts is all I can say.
The last thing I wanted to mention is that my parents also came to visit me in NYC for a few days while I was there. This is something I encouraged because I really wanted them to do more as they are getting old. As my mom so rightfully said, their life is probably coming to an end in the next 5-10 years so they should try to do interesting things while they can. It's pretty sad to think about it but there's no point running from the truth - I should cherish the time I have left with them. At first, I was pretty annoyed they wanted to come with me (even for a few days) as I thought it would make things more stressful at the airport etc. While things were indeed more stressful, I'm glad that they came because we got to do things I wouldn't have done on my own - such as going to the Barry Manilowe show at Radio City which was definitely an experience. The production value was top notch (Barry told stories about his upbringing in between songs, which helped to lighten the mood) and even did a side-by-side rendition of some songs with an old video from 1975.
I suppose that's all for now. I hope to dive a bit deeper into my relationship thoughts in another blog post but, for this summer, I'd rather just focus on my own health along with taking the time to really see what other jobs are out there and not being afraid to take that leap if a interesting opportunity arises.
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