I've been home for about two months now and I suppose that I've been feeling kind of in a low mood this past week or so. Maybe it's because things at home feel so much more emotionally volatile - there's always some family drama (ie. my sister is pissed at my mom, my mom is pissed at my sister-in-law or my dad is feeling tired/sick but doesn't say anything and we all get pissed at him). Unsurprisingly, I find it hard to get any work done at home especially from the rather quiet lifestyle I've had from being on my own for the past 7 years.
That being said, I wish I could make my mom's life easier. She is stubborn but she does have valid points about perhaps my dad and sister expecting too much help from her. I guess that's not what this post is really about though. What this post was about was the more general dilemma I feel at home - between having a life that consists of generally being surrounded by family/friends or focusing on work/research and really trying to do something new.
I still believe that you can't really have both. To do great/significant work, you have to immerse yourself in it. Even if you have a family later on, I feel like there's some period in the life of any great scientist/artist/academic/writer when they really just hunkered down and focused in solitude. I suppose the "depressing" part though is that this is only a necessary condition for "success" but certainly not a sufficient one. You can spend literal years trying to write a novel, or come up with a new scientific theory but the most likely outcome is always going to be that it doesn't amount to anything.
I know where I'm going with this and it's, of course, the notion that you shouldn't get too caught up with results. If I want to really enjoy my life and the process of scientific discovery (or studying AI stuff) then I shouldn't place so much pressure on myself to really do something "significant". Sure, I should try my "best", but I should want to do spend my time doing these things because I really enjoy the process and act of learning. I think doing something with the expectation that it will result in a "success" or a ground-breaking new theory is just a fool's errand and a fast-track to becoming depressed.
But that raises another point that I've been turning over in my. mind - what does trying my "best" really mean in this context? Should I quit my job to pursue AI research on my own? Join a startup (like GI)? Spend less time with my family so I can focus on research? Avoid all friends + relationships so I can focus on research? I feel like there's so many different levels of intensity and it's hard to know what's the "right" one. I guess, the optimal level of effort is the one where I still feel fulfilled from research but also still obtain happiness from other relationships as well. It's just hard to know what that point is sometimes.
I turned 31 this year and I feel like, I'm more aware than ever, that my time on this earth (or in this existence) is quickly passing by. In just 9 more years, I'll be 40 which is basically what I consider as a fully fledged "adult", which is crazy to think about. I feel a sense of urgency - like if I want to dedicate a year or two of my time to really pursuing some creative idea then now is the time to do it.
I've written about this before, it's really nothing new. But I think deep down (maybe out of some naive dream) I believe that I have to try. I don't feel like I want to go down the conventional path (get married, have kids, live in a suburban house with a white picket fence) until I've tried some alternative. What's the point in being conventional anyways? The only person who has to live your life is you and I think everyone should have the expectation that the only point of their existence is to live up to their creative potential. This isn't a video game - there's no "bonus" points for just surviving as long as possible if you aren't spending your time in a way you feel is significant. Especially if you have the financial freedom to do.
I guess, in the end, it's hard choice. I can't do everything. I can't spend lots of time with my family, be a great AI researcher, climb the career ladder, be a famous novelist etc. I have to choose 1-2 to focus on and with the full knowledge that I probably won't have a significant impact in whatever I choose. But maybe that's OK. Maybe having the freedom to choose and just trudge along this journey itself is all the reward I need. I think it's like M (my senior at work), always says "the ability to do meaningful work itself is the reward"
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