I remember when my parents bought their new house in ?? last year, my sister joked that she wasn't sure if I'd like it because "I don't like change". At first, I thought she was just poking fun at me as usual, but maybe she had touched upon a deeper truth.
Another unrelated event which made me think of this blog post, is that my brother was asking my younger cousin (who's around 20 or so), what the peak of her life was so far? She said it was when she it was 4 and it was all downhill from there. This got a round of nervous laughter from us all, but it did get me thinking.
So, what's the consensus? Am I afraid of change? Do I feel like my life has "peaked" in some real sense?
I think I'm pretty confident that the answer to the latter question is no. I think there's still many ways my life could be improved or things that I could work towards. In a practical sense, we don't really get "choose" what we do the first ~20 years of life or so (need to go to high school and then likely college). Even after you graduate, most likely you have to get a job to pay the bills and make ends meet in general. I'm fortunate enough that hopefully in the next 2-3 years, I really have the freedom to pursue whatever I want. Whether that's a blessing or a curse, I think it's too soon to say. But, the point is that it has the potential to be blessing and that's what's matters in the end. Also, I feel if you genuinely believe your life has already peaked then what are you even living for? In order to move forward, you need to have some hope that the future can be better than the past. As I said before, the "goal" of life/existence is not just to survive as long as possible - it's to do something meaningful while you are alive.
What about the first question? Am I really afraid of change?
It's tangentially related, but I do feel that I am more nostalgic than most people. I genuinely care about the opinions of my past self (hence, the whole reason for this blog) and try to actually complete goals that I've set out for myself in the past. I think about the past often and even go back and re-read old blogs at least once a month (if I can make it through the cringe).
That being said, I feel that being nostalgic is not exactly the same as being afraid of change. Though, if you forced me to give a straight answer I would probably say that, in general, I am afraid of change. My rationale is related to the previous answer actually - while I don't think my life is at the "peak", I am quite happy with what I have (in terms of the big things). Everyone I care about in my family/friends is still alive and financially things are OK, for example. It seems hard to imagine that if one of my mom/dad/siblings/close friends die, that I could ever be as "happy" as am I now, even if I were to be more successful in other ways. Of course, I recognize that perhaps that isn't healthy - we shouldn't define our happiness by whether other people are around, but I do feel that it's difficult to do when it comes to old friends/family. Especially parents. I've known my mom/dad my whole life, so in some ways in feels surreal (in a very scary way) to imagine a life without them?
I feel like, if a "perfect" life is the peak of some mountain and my current happiness is represented by how high up said metaphorical mountain I am, then I'm already I'm decent way to the top (maybe 70%). So, statistically, I just feel like there's many more ways to fall down than to climb up. There's many more ways for my life to get worse than there are for it to get better, so perhaps that's why I feel more afraid about this notion of "change"?
On the other hand, I also do feel that things are changing, especially with my brother and sister recently getting married. In fact, my brother even went off and bought his own house, which I am happy for him, but I also feel like I might slowly drift apart with my siblings. In some ways, I don't understand why people want to "join" the family of their S.O or even start one of their own. If you already like your current family, why do you need more? Ok, well I guess, "starting of your own" is a bit more defensible, since you perhaps want to leave a legacy or have something outlast you etc. Maybe we all just want to leave some kind of legacy behind, and that's one of the core motivations for all of human existence.
Anyway, on a practical note, I am worried about how family dynamics will play out in the future. When my parents die, and if my siblings have moved on to their own families, what will be left for me? We can never back the days when we all just lived under one roof and were able to go on vacations together with just the five of us as a family. But, maybe that's just the nostalgia talking again. Ultimately, it feels like we're in some kind of existential prisoner's dilemmas game - where perhaps the ideal move is to always stay together but if you're optimizing for your own interests then you'll go out and start your own family?
But I do recognize there's a big caveat to all this. If you don't like your current family/friends then of course it makes sense to seek out change and not care so much if they die or whatever. But, invariably, when you find yourself surrounded by a group of people you do love, then won't you just be faced with the same general fear of change as I am now? I guess the "true" solution is to try and rise above it all, dissociate your happiness from the company of others and just enjoy the moment for what it is. Of course, it's easier said that done.
Maybe it's natural I'm thinking of death more, especially about my parents. My dad had a "fall" today while we were playing Pickleball and he's going in for surgery in about two weeks (unrelated to the fall). Sometimes, I felt like my parents would just be seemingly healthy forever, but I can see them start to get old now and serves a stark reminder for the fact that, regardless of what I do, change is out there looming on the horizon.
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