It's been about a year now that I've seriously been searching for what I think the next step in my life/career should be. I had been thinking about it for longer than that obviously (maybe like 2-3 years now) but for the past year I feel like I have been taking concrete action to explore what's out there - whether it's interviewing at startups, doing more research / considering a PhD or even writing full-time for a bit.
I thought that, by now, I'd have discovered something which "feels right" when it comes to the next step in my life. In retrospect, it seems like starting work at bnb or doing my masters at S both "seemed right" at the time but I think I'm just looking at it through rose-colored glasses. The truth is, when reading my past blogs, I definitely did have some uncertainty about both of these major steps. It's only that because things "worked out" with them that I can look back in hindsight and say that it was a good decision.
That being said, I don't want to discredit my intuition too much. After all, I did make the concrete decision to take a big leap, despite all the uncertainty at the time. In some ways, I feel like I've gotten less brave or more settled in my lifestyle over time despite this being a trap I've always strived to avoid. I don't want to be the kind of person who just gets stuck on the treadmill of life and eventually becomes content with just being a passive observer.
I think about this "passive observer" notion more when I try to spend some time at night reading about new AI/ML research or jotting down new ideas to try out. If this is really what I want to do, what's preventing me from doing it full-time? Why I am afraid to take the leap and try to implement some of my ideas? Maybe I'm just scared that I'll fail. It seems like a coping mechanism to just say that "this is an interesting idea" but convince yourself that since you don't have enough time to do it, you'll never truly know if it really would have worked out.
Anyway, maybe just going completely rogue and doing my own research is legitimately unrealistic (even by normal standards). But I can't help but feel discouraged because other opportunities that have seemed promising to me (research job in NYC/MIT, research scientist at A) just haven't worked out. The worst part is, it's not even because I did poorly on an interview or anything - it just seems like a lack of credentials (ie. not having a PhD or enough research papers). Just the week, C and I got rejected from a YC interview about our continual learning idea. At first I wasn't sure if I even wanted it but, I realize that after getting rejected, that it was probably something I would have been OK with quitting my job for. It would have been a really interesting experience.
At the same time, as I said in my last post, I'm more aware time is ticking away. I read that the early 30's is when your most likely to get your "mid-life" crisis and I feel like I can even see the beginnings of that in some of my friends. Is this the lead-up to my mid-life crisis? I'm not sure. I think overall I don't feel that dramatic about it, just disappointed. I perhaps naively hoped that the next step in my life would be more clear but the point of this post seems to remind me that life was probably never that easy.
I suppose I need to take a step back, assess things realistically, and figure out exactly what I want to do with my remaining time. Is it independent research (assuming I can't get a real research scientist position without a PhD)? Is it doing my PhD with the prof I'm currently working with? Is it doubling down on my project idea with C and trying to get investor funding?
I think I just need to be honest with myself about what I truly want to be spending my time on. But I also need to realize that any type of change will seem uncomfortable at first - so maybe I shouldn't be fooled by thinking that just because an opportunity doesn't seem perfect at first, it might still push me in the right direction.
The last thing I wanted to mention is the quote I talked to KJ about:
When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money. That's a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again.
As I mentioned before, sometimes I feel like I'm being way too passive when it comes to just reading about ML research or all the new developments in the field. It's like, deep down, I resent the fact that I'm just waiting for interesting things to happen without really being a part of them or contributing to discoveries on my own. But, why should I just be content with waiting for others to discover things? Everything was discovered by humans and people just like me. I have the ability to make big changes, to discover new things. I don't need to just wait for some arxiv paper to be published in order to learn about it.
There's so much out there to learn still. Sure, I'm never realistic going to discover a new math theorem but I genuinely feel like there are research areas I can make progress in. I don't want myself to ever forget that - as C said, we need to believe that we have the ability to incite change before we can actually take action. I need to keep believing and working towards my goals - I don't ever want to just be OK with just walking on the treadmill.
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