It's been another busy month to the point where I haven't even had time to think about blogging for the past few weeks. As I'm sure I've said before, in some sense that's good because it means I've been out living my life. On the other hand, I feel like I have an accumulation of thoughts I need to get out. I think it's especially important to write them down now before I know the actual outcome, so that I can try to remove my own bias from the situation.
Anyway, the first major event was my family vacation in Florida. I wasn't really excited about going in the first place especially with all the other deadlines I had around the same time (two interviews to prep for, needing to finish the ICLR paper, EBR stuff at work..) but it was too late to cancel at that point. Anyway, the first few days and the logistics of all were pretty rough and things felt tense. But, it felt as if things got better as the days went on and I think even Mom started to enjoy herself as well. I think some key moments included doing karoke with my brother (Buffalo Soldier), swimming in the resort at night and watching the sunrise in Daytona beach.
I guess the takeaway here is that there will always be things that I need to get done, but I should try to cherish time with family as well. Especially with my parents - since, in all likelihood, they might only have a few years left. Obviously I can't conceptualize it right now, but I think one way that might help me move on after they die is understanding that I really did spend a lot of time with them. Somehow, I don't feel as strongly about spending time with my siblings - it's like I think we'll all have a lot of time together left though I acknowledge even that might not be necessarily true. But I also don't feel as bad with respect to them because it's like they've chosen to go off on their own path via getting married or whatever - but my parents always seem to be there for me (well, as long as they are alive...). Anyway, the point is that even though I was kind of grumpy/apprehensive about going on the trip initially, it turned out to be nice in some respect.
The other big thing that's been happening over the past few weeks was interviews. My first interview was with ?? (big company in the AI space that's pretty popular) and I think it went fairly well - though it's not exactly the kind of place I would join. I still don't know the outcome yet though. My other was with a hip-AI startup in NYC that had more of an academic vibe. Initially, I was very interested in them but feel a bit more skeptical after visiting in person. The main reason being that they seem to have a very opinionated view on their approach to "solving" AI (in terms of bayesian reason) and it's not something that I'm that familiar with or really believe in. That being said, they seem like a great group of smart people but I think I'd need to work with them on a project part-time first before really committing.
The other work related thing to point out is that sometimes I feel a wave of existential dread when I think about staying at ??. Even during our offsite last week, it just felt like nothing on the roadmap was that exciting and that if I stayed it would just be out of habit (and the fact that I still make a ridiculous amount of money post-IPO...). It just feels like sometimes I have these flashes of dread when I realize that I might not be taking enough risks or really pursuing interesting ideas in life. I'm afraid I'll look back in like 5-10 years and just be disgusted with myself if I don't try something new. I'm not sure where these expectations for myself came from, maybe it's something that's always been there. I think it's just how I view the point of the universe / our existence in general - the point being that we always need to keep pushing ourselves to discover new things. If you aren't going to do that, then is there really a point in living? Especially if you have the means (financially etc.) to pursue something truly creative or that you're passionate about. Once again, I don't think there's any "bonus points" at the time of your death for just having lived a safe and steady life.
The last thing I wanted to mention is about ??. I still haven't seen her since I'm back from travelling but I do feel like there's some special about her (even though we've only met up a handful of times) - there's a sense of genuine connection that I rarely feel with meeting new people. It's like the term "Karass" from Cat's Cradle. I do admit it's a bit too early to say, but I do see some potential there. Sometimes I feel insecure about it though - in particular, if she also feels the same sense of connection or if I'm just being overly-emotional. I guess only time will tell.
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