“There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.”
I think this quote is a good way to start off this post, though it's obviously a bit dramatic for my use case. But the general sentiment is the same - the past few weeks have been busy and could be the start of something very important. Between going to a wedding (with a lot of co-workers and old friends), along with travelling for a work conference, I pretty much wasn't home for most of the month. At first, I was nervous about the whole thing - it's been a while since I've travelled for that long on my own along with all the logistics of going to the wedding etc. Thankfully, it turned out OK in the end, perhaps even better than OK, but time will tell.
If you know me, then you probably know I don't really care about travelling. I think the general concept of "vacation" is kind of pointless - people should just work towards the life they want instead of taking a 2-3 week break every year just to maintain their happiness. Furthermore, it's unlikely that seeing a new place/country really changes someone's perspective (since they go back to their "old" life once they return) and they've just used up resources and their time by travelling to a place for no reason. Maybe I'm just overly practical but I believe that everything you do should be with a overall goal in mind or to produce something of "value". It's not the actual act itself has to be "valuable" (ie. maybe your goal is to write a book or create some type of art) but you need to be working towards something. Anyway, I think "free time" is better spent learning a new skill or doing something creative rather than going on some cookie-cutter tour bus in Europe. I confessed recently to another friend that I feel guilty about travelling unless it's for a specific reason (business trip, have friends in that city etc.) mostly for the reasons mentioned above.
Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. But I do think it's relevant because I wanted to explain why I was kind of nervous/uncomfortable with so much travelling. That being said, it's good to challenge yourself and step out of your comfort zone once in a while and I'm glad I did it overall. First, let's talk about the wedding.
The venue for ???'s wedding was very beautiful - a vineyard overlooking a lake with cute white tables and assorted colors of flowers. Again, I was mostly worried about the logistics here, but I felt proud of myself for being able to do explore and do things on my own - such as biking around Coronado Island and taking the ferry. I guess weddings always make me feel a bit emotional, like maybe I'm missing out on some big experience of getting married. Maybe that makes sense, since that's what weddings are literally designed to be about. But I'm not really sure about ?? in the long term, it seems like ?? was mostly chasing her and I'm not sure if it would all work out on a cultural level too. That being said, they are both my friends so I wish them all the best. I do believe though that there's a future where I could have ended up with ?? (we did go on a psuedo-date once and were pretty close at one point...) but the thought of having to coordinate with someone every day for the rest of my life kind of terrifies me.
The big part of the wedding was meeting ??. We met serendipitously in the elevator (we were saying on the same floor, which wasn't true of all guests) before the actual wedding event and kind of hit it off. She seemed to be really interested in me throughout the night (coming over to our table, getting me drinks) and things kind of escalated on the bus ride back. The next day, we spent some time hanging out alone together and I asked her out. It feels weird typing this because I'm not sure if it will even go anywhere, or if I even want it to (maybe I'm just scared). But I feel like this is an interesting emotion to record. This wary sense of joy and curiosity mingled with self-doubt. I'm worried that by even typing it out here, I'm somehow jinx-ing myself but I doubt reality really works that way.
At first I felt pretty conflicted about not just "going for it" (ie. asking her to come back to my hotel room) the night of the wedding. But I think it was the right decision in hindsight after getting to know her more on the subsequent day. She didn't really seem like the kind of girl who would be down for that and, even if she was, it might be a weird way to start off what could be a real relationship. Anyway, I felt like we had a lot of similar values - the way we think about religion, the way we think about having a goal in our life (but not something "artificial" like just climbing the corporate ladder) but we were also able to have fun / banter. There is the snag with her previous relationship and, while I personally don't care much, I feel like my family would but that's a long way off to worry about now. Anyway, I feel more attracted to her than with anyone I've met/dated in a long time so I hope something good comes out of it.
It's getting late, almost 4am here now (I should also fix my sleep schedule...), so I guess it's a good time to wrap up. I realize I didn't talk about the conference itself but, really, the main point of this post was about her. I hope that I can see her again and things go somewhere if they are meant to be. The conference was alright - it seemed less impressive than previous years (as other people noted) and I feel like I'm just procrastinating from doing my "real work" at my day job. I did meet L though who might have a role to play in my future but who knows?
The last note I wanted to leave this on is the idea (from Steve Job's Stanford commencement speech) that you can only connect the dots looking backward. But maybe we shouldn't be trying to always connect the dots - maybe there's just some beautiful moments we can experience but they don't always have to lead into the next thing. Maybe life is just about experiencing beautiful things and moving on in an independent way. I don't really know. It's counterintuitive to what my "view" on our existence is but who I am to say what's the right way to live your life? All I do know is that can't waste too much time/effort trying to connect the dots - we need to be focused on the present as well to actually do meaningful things.
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