Travel Stories

“There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.”

    I think this quote is a good way to start off this post, though it's obviously a bit dramatic for my use case. But the general sentiment is the same - the past few weeks have been busy and could be the start of something very important. Between going to a wedding (with a lot of co-workers and old friends), along with travelling for a work conference, I pretty much wasn't home for most of the month.  At first, I was nervous about the whole thing - it's been a while since I've travelled for that long on my own along with all the logistics of going to the wedding etc. Thankfully, it turned out OK in the end, perhaps even better than OK, but time will tell.

    If you know me, then you probably know I don't really care about travelling. I think the general concept of "vacation" is kind of pointless - people should just work towards the life they want instead of taking a 2-3 week break every year just to maintain their happiness. Furthermore, it's unlikely that seeing a new place/country really changes someone's perspective (since they go back to their "old" life once they return) and they've just used up resources and their time by travelling to a place for no reason. Maybe I'm just overly practical but I believe that everything you do should be with a overall goal in mind or to produce something of "value". It's not the actual act itself has to be "valuable" (ie. maybe your goal is to write a book or create some type of art) but you need to be working towards something. Anyway, I think "free time" is better spent learning a new skill or doing something creative rather than going on some cookie-cutter tour bus in Europe. I confessed recently to another friend that I feel guilty about travelling unless it's for a specific reason (business trip, have friends in that city etc.) mostly for the reasons mentioned above.

    Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. But I do think it's relevant because I wanted to explain why I was kind of nervous/uncomfortable with so much travelling. That being said, it's good to challenge yourself and step out of your comfort zone once in a while and I'm glad I did it overall. First, let's talk about the wedding.

The venue for ???'s wedding was very beautiful - a vineyard overlooking a lake with cute white tables and assorted colors of flowers. Again, I was mostly worried about the logistics here, but I felt proud of myself for being able to do explore and do things on my own - such as biking around Coronado Island and taking the ferry. I guess weddings always make me feel a bit emotional, like maybe I'm missing out on some big experience of getting married. Maybe that makes sense, since that's what weddings are literally designed to be about. But I'm not really sure about ?? in the long term, it seems like ?? was mostly chasing her and I'm not sure if it would all work out on a cultural level too. That being said, they are both my friends so I wish them all the best. I do believe though that there's a future where I could have ended up with ?? (we did go on a psuedo-date once and were pretty close at one point...) but the thought of having to coordinate with someone every day for the rest of my life kind of terrifies me. 

    The big part of the wedding was meeting ??. We met serendipitously in the elevator (we were saying on the same floor, which wasn't true of all guests) before the actual wedding event and kind of hit it off. She seemed to be really interested in me throughout the night (coming over to our table, getting me drinks) and things kind of escalated on the bus ride back. The next day, we spent some time hanging out alone together and I asked her out. It feels weird typing this because I'm not sure if it will even go anywhere, or if I even want it to (maybe I'm just scared). But I feel like this is an interesting emotion to record. This wary sense of joy and curiosity mingled with self-doubt. I'm worried that by even typing it out here, I'm somehow jinx-ing myself but I doubt reality really works that way. 

    At first I felt pretty conflicted about not just "going for it" (ie. asking her to come back to my hotel room) the night of the wedding. But I think it was the right decision in hindsight after getting to know her more on the subsequent day. She didn't really seem like the kind of girl who would be down for that and, even if she was, it might be a weird way to start off what could be a real relationship. Anyway, I felt like we had a lot of similar values - the way we think about religion, the way we think about having a goal in our life (but not something "artificial" like just climbing the corporate ladder) but we were also able to have fun / banter. There is the snag with her previous relationship and, while I personally don't care much, I feel like my family would but that's a long way off to worry about now. Anyway, I feel more attracted to her than with anyone I've met/dated in a long time so I hope something good comes out of it.

    It's getting late, almost 4am here now (I should also fix my sleep schedule...), so I guess it's a good time to wrap up. I realize I didn't talk about the conference itself but, really, the main point of this post was about her. I hope that I can see her again and things go somewhere if they are meant to be. The conference was alright - it seemed less impressive than previous years (as other people noted) and I feel like I'm just procrastinating from doing my "real work" at my day job. I did meet L though who might have a role to play in my future but who knows?

    The last note I wanted to leave this on is the idea (from Steve Job's Stanford commencement speech) that you can only connect the dots looking backward. But maybe we shouldn't be trying to always connect the dots - maybe there's just some beautiful moments we can experience but they don't always have to lead into the next thing. Maybe life is just about experiencing beautiful things and moving on in an independent way. I don't really know. It's counterintuitive to what my "view" on our existence is but who I am to say what's the right way to live your life? All I do know is that can't waste too much time/effort trying to connect the dots - we need to be focused on the present as well to actually do meaningful things.

Life rushing by

 It's been another busy month to the point where I haven't even had time to think about blogging for the past few weeks. As I'm sure I've said before, in some sense that's good because it means I've been out living my life. On the other hand, I feel like I have an accumulation of thoughts I need to get out. I think it's especially important to write them down now before I know the actual outcome, so that I can try to remove my own bias from the situation.

Anyway, the first major event was my family vacation in Florida. I wasn't really excited about going in the first place especially with all the other deadlines I had around the same time (two interviews to prep for, needing to finish the ICLR paper, EBR stuff at work..) but it was too late to cancel at that point. Anyway, the first few days and the logistics of all were pretty rough and things felt tense. But, it felt as if things got better as the days went on and I think even Mom started to enjoy herself as well. I think some key moments included doing karoke with my brother (Buffalo Soldier), swimming in the resort at night and watching the sunrise in Daytona beach.

I guess the takeaway here is that there will always be things that I need to get done, but I should try to cherish time with family as well. Especially with my parents - since, in all likelihood, they might only have a few years left. Obviously I can't conceptualize it right now, but I think one way that might help me move on after they die is understanding that I really did spend a lot of  time with them. Somehow, I don't feel as strongly about spending time with my siblings - it's like I think we'll all have a lot of time together left though I acknowledge even that might not be necessarily true. But I also don't feel as bad with respect to them because it's like they've chosen to go off on their own path via getting married or whatever - but my parents always seem to be there for me (well, as long as they are alive...). Anyway, the point is that even though I was kind of grumpy/apprehensive about going on the trip initially, it turned out to be nice in some respect.

The other big thing that's been happening over the past few weeks was interviews. My first interview was with ?? (big company in the AI space that's pretty popular) and I think it went fairly well - though it's not exactly the kind of place I would join. I still don't know the outcome yet though. My other was with a hip-AI startup in NYC that had more of an academic vibe. Initially, I was very interested in them but feel a bit more skeptical after visiting in person. The main reason being that they seem to have a very opinionated view on their approach to "solving" AI (in terms of bayesian reason) and it's not something that I'm that familiar with or really believe in. That being said, they seem like a great group of smart people but I think I'd need to work with them on a project part-time first before really committing.

The other work related thing to point out is that sometimes I feel a wave of existential dread when I think about staying at ??. Even during our offsite last week, it just felt like nothing on the roadmap was that exciting and that if I stayed it would just be out of habit (and the fact that I still make a ridiculous amount of money post-IPO...). It just feels like sometimes I have these flashes of dread when I realize that I might not be taking enough risks or really pursuing interesting ideas in life. I'm afraid I'll look back in like 5-10 years and just be disgusted with myself if I don't try something new. I'm not sure where these expectations for myself came from, maybe it's something that's always been there. I think it's just how I view the point of the universe / our existence in general - the point being that we always need to keep pushing ourselves to discover new things. If you aren't going to do that, then is there really a point in living? Especially if you have the means (financially etc.) to pursue something truly creative or that you're passionate about. Once again, I don't think there's any "bonus points" at the time of your death for just having lived a safe and steady life.

The last thing I wanted to mention is about ??. I still haven't seen her since I'm back from travelling but I do feel like there's some special about her (even though we've only met up a handful of times) - there's a sense of genuine connection that I rarely feel with meeting new people. It's like the term "Karass" from Cat's Cradle. I do admit it's a bit too early to say, but I do see some potential there. Sometimes I feel insecure about it though - in particular, if she also feels the same sense of connection or if I'm just being overly-emotional. I guess only time will tell.

Searching for What's Next?

It's been about a year now that I've seriously been searching for what I think the next step in my life/career should be. I had been thinking about it for longer than that obviously (maybe like 2-3 years now) but for the past year I feel like I have been taking concrete action to explore what's out there - whether it's interviewing at startups, doing more research / considering a PhD or even writing full-time for a bit.

I thought that, by now, I'd have discovered something which "feels right" when it comes to the next step in my life. In retrospect, it seems like starting work at bnb or doing my masters at S both "seemed right" at the time but I think I'm just looking at it through rose-colored glasses. The truth is, when reading my past blogs, I definitely did have some uncertainty about both of these major steps. It's only that because things "worked out" with them that I can look back in hindsight and say that it was a good decision.

That being said, I don't want to discredit my intuition too much. After all, I did make the concrete decision to take a big leap, despite all the uncertainty at the time. In some ways, I feel like I've gotten less brave or more settled in my lifestyle over time despite this being a trap I've always strived to avoid. I don't want to be the kind of person who just gets stuck on the treadmill of life and eventually becomes content with just being a passive observer.

I think about this "passive observer" notion more when I try to spend some time at night reading about new AI/ML research or jotting down new ideas to try out. If this is really what I want to do, what's preventing me from doing it full-time? Why I am afraid to take the leap and try to implement some of my ideas? Maybe I'm just scared that I'll fail. It seems like a coping mechanism to just say that "this is an interesting idea" but convince yourself that since you don't have enough time to do it, you'll never truly know if it really would have worked out.

Anyway, maybe just going completely rogue and doing my own research is legitimately unrealistic (even by normal standards). But I can't help but feel discouraged because other opportunities that have seemed promising to me (research job in NYC/MIT, research scientist at A) just haven't worked out. The worst part is, it's not even because I did poorly on an interview or anything - it just seems like a lack of credentials (ie. not having a PhD or enough research papers). Just the week, C and I got rejected from a YC interview about our continual learning idea. At first I wasn't sure if I even wanted it but, I realize that after getting rejected, that it was probably something I would have been OK with quitting my job for. It would have been a really interesting experience.

At the same time, as I said in my last post, I'm more aware time is ticking away. I read that the early 30's is when your most likely to get your "mid-life" crisis and I feel like I can even see the beginnings of that in some of my friends. Is this the lead-up to my mid-life crisis? I'm not sure. I think overall I don't feel that dramatic about it, just disappointed. I perhaps naively hoped that the next step in my life would be more clear but the point of this post seems to remind me that life was probably never that easy.

I suppose I need to take a step back, assess things realistically, and figure out exactly what I want to do with my remaining time. Is it independent research (assuming I can't get a real research scientist position without a PhD)? Is it doing my PhD with the prof I'm currently working with? Is it doubling down on my project idea with C and trying to get investor funding?

I think I just need to be honest with myself about what I truly want to be spending my time on. But I also need to realize that any type of change will seem uncomfortable at first - so maybe I shouldn't be fooled by thinking that just because an opportunity doesn't seem perfect at first, it might still push me in the right direction.

The last thing I wanted to mention is the quote I talked to KJ about:

When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money. That's a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again.

As I mentioned before, sometimes I feel like I'm being way too passive when it comes to just reading about ML research or all the new developments in the field. It's like, deep down, I resent the fact that I'm just waiting for interesting things to happen without really being a part of them or contributing to discoveries on my own. But, why should I just be content with waiting for others to discover things? Everything was discovered by humans and people just like me. I have the ability to make big changes, to discover new things. I don't need to just wait for some arxiv paper to be published in order to learn about it. 

There's so much out there to learn still. Sure, I'm never realistic going to discover a new math theorem but I genuinely feel like there are research areas I can make progress in. I don't want myself to ever forget that - as C said, we need to believe that we have the ability to incite change before we can actually take action. I need to keep believing and working towards my goals - I don't ever want to just be OK with just walking on the treadmill.