I know it's been a while since I've blogged. But, today is a special occasion in my mind - the end of my undergraduate career. Looking back, I've realized that one way in which I can quantify all the ways I've changed is by reading my past blogs. And, since I'm not too fond of photographs, I think the best way to capture my emotions at this culmination of four years in Uni-town is through the only medium I know how - text.
I wanted to start this blog off with some dramatic analogy like "I feel as I'm standing on the edge of a towering cliff, looking down into a sea of possibilities but y afraid to dive in". However, the truth is, everything feels pretty surreal. It's hard to imagine never again having to sit those lecture halls I've been attending for four years now, and never again seeing the familiar university landscape. Most of all, this year I've definitely strived to be more social and "hang out" with people more which has turned out to be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I've felt like I have been able to experience more of the "typical college" type of life involving going to parties, staying out late and beer pong. On the flip side, I feel as if it's going to make me miss everyone even more.
Firstly, there's my Badminton Club friends. I've become a lot closer with them this past year and, to be honest, Badminton Club has been a huge part of my life at Uni. It was really the first place where I felt a sense of community (since I immediately did not fit with the typical "frat boy" white guys in Eng.) and it was a great escape from school work. We really had a great group dynamic and I just want to record one moment here because I know it'll make me happy when I go back and read in the future. After the last day of Club this year, we were just fooling around, vaguely wondering what we should do. And then, very spontaneously, we noticed someone had left floor hockey equipment outside of the gym. So, we played a very fun game of r 4v4 floor hockey. It was physically exhausting but everyone was laughing the whole time. Ultimately, Badminton Club made me feel at home at a time in my life when I was truly beginning to feel homesick and miss high school back in first year.
Then, there's my Apple Math friends who I've definitely become more close with this year probably because, as mentioned before, I've been more social and attended more parties/hangouts. I also realized that I'm not that different from them. As we casually joke around, we're all nerds here. I'll miss the unique atmosphere of hanging around in the cave and playing Halo/Startcraft.
Then, there's other random people like J and D. But they probably deserve a blog post of their own.
Honestly, my emotions today weren't even correlated to the people I was going to miss (I just naturally started talking about it once I began to write this blog) but more of the University atmosphere in this town. I'll honestly miss it so much. I also realized today, though I had of course known it all along, that I'm so grateful to have amazing Professors and mentors along the way. When I was talking about a possible prof I might work with next year, he mentioned how great my letters of reference were and that really did tug at my heartstrings. I think its pretty rare to find people who actually take an interest in your well-being and want you to succeed and will do anything they can to help you. But, of course, I should be telling my Profs this rather than telling myself - and I will.
Ultimately, the reason I'll miss this place so much is because of fact that I enjoyed my time here and, I think, developed a lot as a person. It's bitter-sweet but I suppose that's just the nature of any period one enjoys in their life. But these four years have really been a journey and sometimes I've been very uncertain with regards to not knowing what to do next, what program to go into, how to pay tuition, what to do for the summer. But somehow, things always seemed to work out. I'm not sure if this is due to fate, or the fact that I was just motivated to succeed, or both. It's hard to tell.
In the end, I've had people ask me "Do your life would have been any different if you had went to University X instead?" I think that's a stupid question. No one can accurately quantify how differently their life would have been or how they would have felt if they chose a different path, so why bother even speculating. What I do know, and the only thing that I believe is important, is that I've enjoyed the path that I chose for University and I think it has given me a good foundation for success in the future. And really, that's all that matters.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Dat Changes (again)
So, its my final semester in my final year (I hope?) of undergrad. I have a plethora of work to do actually but yet I wanted to really take some time out of my day and blog. To be fair, this semester has been much more relaxed than most and I usually find myself playing games/sports and in general doing more leisurely activities than I have in any other semester. Though, that's not to say the workload isn't comparable...
Anyway, the point of this post was to again, briefly mention that I'm feeling somewhat lost. This last semester could potentially mark the entire of life that is pretty much all that I've known. I'm talking about, of course, as being a student. The truth is, I'm not really sure what I want to do after I graduate or what really interests me. Sometimes, its's hard to tell if its fear or just legitimate uninterested in a topic that's holding me back. For example, I'm somewhat reluctant to go to grad school because I'm afraid it'll be too hard for me to understand the concepts and I feel like this leads me to feel like I'm not interested in it. But its hard to decouple these two emotions - is this fear of inadequacy leading me to feel like I'm interested in grad school or...am I legit just not interested in learning more?
To be honest, I really do love learning and I think that I wouldn't mind continuing to learn. I guess I should not to choose to forgo a future path just because I'm scared of failure - nothing worth doing is ever easy. The other option, of course, would be to get a job. However, in this respect, it's hard enough to find a job nowadays let alone a /good/ job that I like. But, the only jobs I really want to get, I realize, are not jobs I am legitimately interested in doing but more because I think those jobs are very "renowned". So maybe, I just need to do some soul searching for what I really want. Nonetheless, I still have this kind of confidence that something will work out for me...and that I'll see the right path soon enough.
The last thing I wanted to mention (which was supposed to be the real point of this post) is that how I feel like people are all hypocrites and judgmental except when it comes to themselves. Recently, a friend who I didn't think was that smart got a rather prestigious job and I was kind of annoyed because IMO it seemed like she didn't really deserve it. Nonetheless, I always tell this friend how smart she is, and even though she doesn't get the highest marks because I do think she has genuine talent but just can't manage her time. However, I feel kind of (ie. very) annoyed that she received such a lucrative offer when it kind of went against all the positive things I had been telling her. In this sense, I feel kind of sickened by myself. Why do I say things if I don't really believe them? I SHOULD be happy for her.
The really hypocritical part is that usually people are annoyed or look down on inferior people who received awards they think we don't deserve but yet if someone was to offer me a prestigious job that I was "below" I would be delighted to have such a chance to prove myself. But yet, this makes me a huge hypocrite. By the same logic, I should be delighted that this friend received an offer also since it is as if she is getting a chance to prove herself.
Anyway, the point is, I really need to change and be more objective. Humans are composed of a great deal of "bad" (not that bad and good really exist) qualities such as natural competition and jealously, but I need to look beyond that. I need to think of everyone as a human being just like with hopes and dreams.
Also, as my other friend mentioned a few days ago, you can't go through life constantly comparing yourself to others. I think real happiness comes from the knowledge that you've surpassed the own limits that you've set down for yourself and these limits can vary for anyone. Maybe, for a handicapped individual, walking across the room is a big deal, but for me its...an everyday experience. In that respect, people need to remind themselves of this notion of scope and how it differs from person to person.
Same goes for me. I need to find my own path and set down and achieve my own goals. It kind of reminds me of the GRE exam where for the multiple choice questions, the only way to succeed is to have an original answer in mind BEFORE you read the multiple choice answers and get confused. In this sense, I believe in my own life I need to have my own answer and my own path in mind since if I look at everyone else's paths (i.e. answers) I'll just get confused and sidetracked. I need to figure out what I want to do and I need to measure my success in a more meaningful way irrespective of others.
Anyway, the point is...I need to not be selfish.
Anyway, the point of this post was to again, briefly mention that I'm feeling somewhat lost. This last semester could potentially mark the entire of life that is pretty much all that I've known. I'm talking about, of course, as being a student. The truth is, I'm not really sure what I want to do after I graduate or what really interests me. Sometimes, its's hard to tell if its fear or just legitimate uninterested in a topic that's holding me back. For example, I'm somewhat reluctant to go to grad school because I'm afraid it'll be too hard for me to understand the concepts and I feel like this leads me to feel like I'm not interested in it. But its hard to decouple these two emotions - is this fear of inadequacy leading me to feel like I'm interested in grad school or...am I legit just not interested in learning more?
To be honest, I really do love learning and I think that I wouldn't mind continuing to learn. I guess I should not to choose to forgo a future path just because I'm scared of failure - nothing worth doing is ever easy. The other option, of course, would be to get a job. However, in this respect, it's hard enough to find a job nowadays let alone a /good/ job that I like. But, the only jobs I really want to get, I realize, are not jobs I am legitimately interested in doing but more because I think those jobs are very "renowned". So maybe, I just need to do some soul searching for what I really want. Nonetheless, I still have this kind of confidence that something will work out for me...and that I'll see the right path soon enough.
The last thing I wanted to mention (which was supposed to be the real point of this post) is that how I feel like people are all hypocrites and judgmental except when it comes to themselves. Recently, a friend who I didn't think was that smart got a rather prestigious job and I was kind of annoyed because IMO it seemed like she didn't really deserve it. Nonetheless, I always tell this friend how smart she is, and even though she doesn't get the highest marks because I do think she has genuine talent but just can't manage her time. However, I feel kind of (ie. very) annoyed that she received such a lucrative offer when it kind of went against all the positive things I had been telling her. In this sense, I feel kind of sickened by myself. Why do I say things if I don't really believe them? I SHOULD be happy for her.
The really hypocritical part is that usually people are annoyed or look down on inferior people who received awards they think we don't deserve but yet if someone was to offer me a prestigious job that I was "below" I would be delighted to have such a chance to prove myself. But yet, this makes me a huge hypocrite. By the same logic, I should be delighted that this friend received an offer also since it is as if she is getting a chance to prove herself.
Anyway, the point is, I really need to change and be more objective. Humans are composed of a great deal of "bad" (not that bad and good really exist) qualities such as natural competition and jealously, but I need to look beyond that. I need to think of everyone as a human being just like with hopes and dreams.
Also, as my other friend mentioned a few days ago, you can't go through life constantly comparing yourself to others. I think real happiness comes from the knowledge that you've surpassed the own limits that you've set down for yourself and these limits can vary for anyone. Maybe, for a handicapped individual, walking across the room is a big deal, but for me its...an everyday experience. In that respect, people need to remind themselves of this notion of scope and how it differs from person to person.
Same goes for me. I need to find my own path and set down and achieve my own goals. It kind of reminds me of the GRE exam where for the multiple choice questions, the only way to succeed is to have an original answer in mind BEFORE you read the multiple choice answers and get confused. In this sense, I believe in my own life I need to have my own answer and my own path in mind since if I look at everyone else's paths (i.e. answers) I'll just get confused and sidetracked. I need to figure out what I want to do and I need to measure my success in a more meaningful way irrespective of others.
Anyway, the point is...I need to not be selfish.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Here's to 2014
Well, the start of a new year is fast approaching. While Jan 1, 2014 is just a normal day, its traditional that most people think of this day as something novel. A family friend at a dinner party I went to tonight said that "every day should be like New Year's since every day is a new adventure". I thought that quote was quite insightful as it shows that the only thing special about New Year's is that we make it special. But, I digress. This post isn't about how traditions create inefficiencies in society even though they are needed to mantain structure.
So anyway, at this time of year I guess its natural for me to reflect on the events of the last twelve months and what lies ahead in the upcoming year. It is kind of funny that every new year my mom always says something along the lines of "this upcoming year is an important year for our family" as if all the previous years were unimportant by comparasion. But, in a sense, I guess the present is really all that matters since that's all we really have.
However, looking back, this year doesn't seem all that significant compared to the changes that will be happening in the upcoming one (presumably). The most significant aspects of this year were basically my experience working at a corporate job downtown and starting my final year of university. Of course, its ridiculous to just summarize what I thought of 2013 into a single sentence. Since, if you know anything about me, I believe that /everything/ we do is significant and even the most subtle actions help to dictate who we are and what we will become.
Nonetheless, I do suspect that next year will bring about a great deal of change to my life. And, in a way, I'm glad I have this sense of progression in my life to look forward to since maybe others do not. For one, I'm not quite sure where I'll be living (California? Ontario?) or what I'll be doing (working, school, etc...) but I"m pretty sure it'll be different than what I'm doing now. I only hope that I set off on a path that is meaningful to me.
There are only really two things I want to mention before I end this post. The first is that while some goals might seem daunting (such as getting a certain type of a job) when we initially formulate them in our mind, they aren't nearly as bad once we take the first steps towards that goal. Its as if, previously, I was attempting to scale a huge mountain but was only staring at it from the base, worried about the sheer magnitude of the situation. But once you start taking the first few steps and tackle the actual problem, you can ignore the massive scope of the problem and just work at it - eventually, you'll reach the top or at least make some progress. The point of this (somewhat lame) analogy was to remind myself that while some goals I have might seem truly complex or impossible at first, the only way things will ever seem easier is if I actually begin to work at it. This is especially true with some of my more outlandish goals such as writing a novel. So, if I wanted to give myself a "new year's resolution" it would simply be to get started on working towards some of the dreams/ideas I have floating around in the back of my mind.
The second thing I wanted to mention is that tonight I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic since, for the first time in about 3 years, I won't be home for New Years and instead will be spending it with my family in another place. I feel just a hint of bittersweet sadness when I think of how this might be the last time my friends and I will ever have a new year's party back home since this year most of us are graduating and moving on to different things/places. And, unfortunately, I won't be there. I guess saying goodbye and growing up is never easy. And, as Holdon aptly noted in Catcher in the Rye once we start talking about how we feel we just end up missing everybody. And I suppose that's how I feel right now.
So anyway, at this time of year I guess its natural for me to reflect on the events of the last twelve months and what lies ahead in the upcoming year. It is kind of funny that every new year my mom always says something along the lines of "this upcoming year is an important year for our family" as if all the previous years were unimportant by comparasion. But, in a sense, I guess the present is really all that matters since that's all we really have.
However, looking back, this year doesn't seem all that significant compared to the changes that will be happening in the upcoming one (presumably). The most significant aspects of this year were basically my experience working at a corporate job downtown and starting my final year of university. Of course, its ridiculous to just summarize what I thought of 2013 into a single sentence. Since, if you know anything about me, I believe that /everything/ we do is significant and even the most subtle actions help to dictate who we are and what we will become.
Nonetheless, I do suspect that next year will bring about a great deal of change to my life. And, in a way, I'm glad I have this sense of progression in my life to look forward to since maybe others do not. For one, I'm not quite sure where I'll be living (California? Ontario?) or what I'll be doing (working, school, etc...) but I"m pretty sure it'll be different than what I'm doing now. I only hope that I set off on a path that is meaningful to me.
There are only really two things I want to mention before I end this post. The first is that while some goals might seem daunting (such as getting a certain type of a job) when we initially formulate them in our mind, they aren't nearly as bad once we take the first steps towards that goal. Its as if, previously, I was attempting to scale a huge mountain but was only staring at it from the base, worried about the sheer magnitude of the situation. But once you start taking the first few steps and tackle the actual problem, you can ignore the massive scope of the problem and just work at it - eventually, you'll reach the top or at least make some progress. The point of this (somewhat lame) analogy was to remind myself that while some goals I have might seem truly complex or impossible at first, the only way things will ever seem easier is if I actually begin to work at it. This is especially true with some of my more outlandish goals such as writing a novel. So, if I wanted to give myself a "new year's resolution" it would simply be to get started on working towards some of the dreams/ideas I have floating around in the back of my mind.
The second thing I wanted to mention is that tonight I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic since, for the first time in about 3 years, I won't be home for New Years and instead will be spending it with my family in another place. I feel just a hint of bittersweet sadness when I think of how this might be the last time my friends and I will ever have a new year's party back home since this year most of us are graduating and moving on to different things/places. And, unfortunately, I won't be there. I guess saying goodbye and growing up is never easy. And, as Holdon aptly noted in Catcher in the Rye once we start talking about how we feel we just end up missing everybody. And I suppose that's how I feel right now.
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