It's OK to not know

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
― Ernest Hemingway

From a young age, we are indoctrinated into thinking that we need to have a long term plan in order to succeed. When I was a child, the most common question I remember overbearing relatives asking me was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” as if that was a pressing concern for a ten year old to have. Consequently, as I got older, I became increasingly nervous about the fact that I didn't feel interested enough about anything to see myself doing it as a career in the future. Every time I reached what I considered to be a critical juncture in my life, from what courses to take in high school to what colleges to apply to once I graduated, there was always this lingering sense of anxiety because I didn't know what it was all leading towards.

In the end, I somehow decided that being a doctor was a career worth pursuing. After all, I was certainly smart enough and my family/friends often commented that it was a very respectable and stable life for one to have. It was only by a cruel twist of fate that I was rejected from the prestigious health science program I had my heart set on and instead forced to go with my second option — Engineering. Despite my disappointment, I did not let this setback deter me. I was still fairly set on becoming a doctor and planned to just major in Biochemical Engineering and apply to Medical school upon graduating. It sounded quite easy – in theory.

However, by the end of my first year seeds of doubt were already beginning to sprout in my mind. I realized that I disliked chemistry labs, had no interest in the healthcare system and when I spoke to medical students I felt no passion towards the life they described. On the other hand, I began programming Android apps just “for fun” and came to really enjoy the time I spent at the recreational mathematics club I joined earlier in the year. The decision should have been obvious at this point — but it wasn't. It was a gruelling process plagued by heated discussions with my parents, a mountain of paperwork and constantly second-guessing myself. Nonetheless, three years later I graduated with a degree in Applied Math and Computing and I could not have been happier with my college experience.

Of course, I realize my story isn't unique but unfortunately I think the ending of it is. I've seen too many of peers become trapped in a program or job simply because they feel as if they have come too far to turn back. The truth is that most of them never opened their mind to other possibilities until, in their eyes, it was too late. We should all be extremely wary when predicting how we’ll feel about something in the future – especially young people. It seems ridiculous to me now that back in college I was effectively making a decision that would affect at least the next four years of my life based on some preconceived notions I had formed during adolescence.

The point I'm trying to make is that we need to all take smaller steps on our journey through life and update our goals as we proceed. Life is a continually iterative process — what makes you content now might not hold true in a few years. And, that’s OK. It’s OK to be uncertain about where you are heading in life — as long as you are always critically thinking about where you want to go. Every action we take provides us with information that we can use to make better decisions in future. Sure, perhaps your first job out of college didn't turn out to be your “dream career” but at least you've discovered what you don’twant to do and armed with this knowledge you’re now a little closer to finding out what does interest you.

As a disclaimer, I do want to add that you should give every new opportunity an adequate time commitment before you decide it’s just not for you. Don’t spend your whole life bouncing between careers or partners just because they seem unappealing at first. But at the same time, don’t be afraid to acknowledge when something isn't working out. It’s a fine balance which is only achieved through life experience.

More than any generation before us, our lives are filled with choices and the ability to dictate who we will become. One could argue this is both a blessing and a curse but it is important to not lose sight of the fact that a plethora of choices are available to us. We don’t live in the same era our parents did so don’t be afraid to take a more meandering path through life as opposed to a linear one. Above all, be honest with yourself about what will bring you happiness and try to filter out the external noise when deciding what course to take – you are the only person who has to live your life.

High school poetry

Probably my favourite piece from high school.

Photograph

I see myself for a moment suspended in time

A frozen image of my life at its prime

Coated by a thin glass frame

I wish things could always stay the same

I see the tale that my features belie

Hidden by this great disguise

I paint a content expression on my face

So perfectly that it can't be erased

I see a backdrop littered with useless drones

A crowd for which no feeling resides

A scene which manages to ensnare the past

And capture it so that it'll always last

I see those who weaved in and out,

Those whose friendship only made me doubt.

Yet there is one observation I did not yet make,

Perhaps the only thing that can't be fake

I see the only person who's shared my laugh

Beside me in this photograph

The Reason

The past is something that has always fascinated me. It simultaneously motivates us, condemns us and reminds us of our mistakes among other things. The past is something that always exists in our minds but just how real is it?  I read a very profound line in a novel once which went something like:

 "When it comes to the past, we all stack the deck." 

Which basically means that, at one point or another, we've all altered our memories to remember things in a different manner. I think this is most noticeable with emotions. Sometimes we try to be tough and not remember ourselves being as frightened as we really were during a confrontation. Or perhaps, upon ending a relationship we try to convince ourselves that we were never really in love with a specific person. It's actually extremely disheartening to think that I might actually be manipulating real emotions with false ones that are seemingly better to remember. I never want to forget the truth, no matter how mundane or ugly it might be - and that was my initial motivation for this blog. Sadly, the vast majority of people don't even reflect on the past but only worry about the future without wondering how they arrived at the present. I don't believe my life is defined by a few key events but rather incrementally by the actions I choose to make everyday - that's why I'm obsessed with having a record of my past. And that's the reason this blog exists.