Well I guess it feels more real now. As I told desda today, I actually feel excited about something for the first time in a long time. I feel a sort of new energy here - the energy that comes with a new beginning and a clean slate. I feel motivated and I'm actually excited to go out and meet new people. I'm excited that my place seems really cool and that, despite her mood swings, that my mom is here to help me.
That being said some parts of it still don't feel real. There's times when I look out my window and think I'm still in Toronto and then it takes a second for my brain to process that I'm actually 2000 miles away. But, it's OK. There are times when I have an overwhelming feeling of existential dread when I think of Monday and my upcoming job and worry about why I didn't just choose to go to grad school and maybe this is all wrong.. But that's OK too.
There are times when I miss my friends in Windsor and Toronto but I realize that everyone has to move on. Even C is going off to university and you shouldn't stay in a place just expecting things will always be the same or because you are content there. My biggest hope is that I continue to grow and learn while I'm here.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Father's Day Thoughts
The last thing I wanted to mention is family. Or, more in particular, the fact that it's going to be Father's day on Sunday. It's weird because I actually think my dad and I have a lot of similarities - we're both quiet and enjoy reading classic novels for fun. But yet, we seem so different when it comes to our personalities - I try to be more cool and calm whereas my dad is anxious and hasty. We've even had some good conversations about the past and he can even be pretty rational sometimes. But there are times when I've seen a grumpy and annoyed side of him and I feel like that prevents our relationship from moving forward.
It's weird because I don't even feel that close to him. I hate to say it but I feel like we do everything for each other out of duty. My brother unfortunately feels that way too - like a stranger that I'm just going through the motions with. Though sometimes it is fun to hangout with him and just relax and play some video games. But with my mom and sister, I really feel like I care about them in a way that's unrelated to just the duty of "being" family. I actually enjoy hanging out with my mom and sister and despite the fact that they have their flaws too we just seem to connect on a deeper level.
In fact, I really respect my mom for all her patience and caring. She will go out of her way to help others even if she's tired or angry. While she does have a ton of her own issues, such as too much bragging or being narrow minded when it comes to a great deal of things, her personality overall is quite calm and I think that's a big reason why we get along. It's just strange because I feel like on paper my dad and I have so much more in common - both like math/engineering and reading but yet we just don't seem to "click" or have good conversations in real life. I guess it's just more evidence that we aren't always compatible with someone just b/c we have similar interests.
Nonetheless, I do regret how my relationship with my dad is. I feel like maybe he wants to be closer to me but lately it seems like I just keep pushing him away or talking to him less and less. But maybe he just feels like he should care out of duty of being my father...I don't know. I guess instead of just blogging about it then I should really go talk to him and get to know him which is probably the most logical course of action here. I just kind of feel bad because it's as if he never got to do what he wanted in life and always had responsibilities thrust upon him - whether it was working to keep our family stable or having to help kids move/graduate. I just wish that he could have a chance to do what he wanted. I realize that in comparison
to many others his life was not terrible but nonetheless I hope that somehow I can help him find peace.
This father's day I guess I'll make the resolution to try to get to know my dad more. Like, really get to know him more and not just do things out of duty. I'll try to have more patience and be less picky. But I do worry about when my mom is no longer here that I just won't feel close with the rest of my family - she's like the glue that holds us together and, honestly, I think that the rest of them are kind of annoying/impatient relative to her which makes me dislike them quite a bit at times. Sigh. I guess she wouldn't want that though. She would want me to be there to support and help others no matter what.
It's just unfortunate because I feel like my relationship with my dad does have potential but it's just unrealized or just broken because of how I viewed him as a grumpy/annoying figure in my childhood. I guess he tried but he didn't have that much of a big role. And I understand why. He was busy working or stressed with problems that my adolescent brain couldn't even comprehend at the time but it is what it is and all I can do is work on improving it moving forward.
It's weird because I don't even feel that close to him. I hate to say it but I feel like we do everything for each other out of duty. My brother unfortunately feels that way too - like a stranger that I'm just going through the motions with. Though sometimes it is fun to hangout with him and just relax and play some video games. But with my mom and sister, I really feel like I care about them in a way that's unrelated to just the duty of "being" family. I actually enjoy hanging out with my mom and sister and despite the fact that they have their flaws too we just seem to connect on a deeper level.
In fact, I really respect my mom for all her patience and caring. She will go out of her way to help others even if she's tired or angry. While she does have a ton of her own issues, such as too much bragging or being narrow minded when it comes to a great deal of things, her personality overall is quite calm and I think that's a big reason why we get along. It's just strange because I feel like on paper my dad and I have so much more in common - both like math/engineering and reading but yet we just don't seem to "click" or have good conversations in real life. I guess it's just more evidence that we aren't always compatible with someone just b/c we have similar interests.
Nonetheless, I do regret how my relationship with my dad is. I feel like maybe he wants to be closer to me but lately it seems like I just keep pushing him away or talking to him less and less. But maybe he just feels like he should care out of duty of being my father...I don't know. I guess instead of just blogging about it then I should really go talk to him and get to know him which is probably the most logical course of action here. I just kind of feel bad because it's as if he never got to do what he wanted in life and always had responsibilities thrust upon him - whether it was working to keep our family stable or having to help kids move/graduate. I just wish that he could have a chance to do what he wanted. I realize that in comparison
to many others his life was not terrible but nonetheless I hope that somehow I can help him find peace.
This father's day I guess I'll make the resolution to try to get to know my dad more. Like, really get to know him more and not just do things out of duty. I'll try to have more patience and be less picky. But I do worry about when my mom is no longer here that I just won't feel close with the rest of my family - she's like the glue that holds us together and, honestly, I think that the rest of them are kind of annoying/impatient relative to her which makes me dislike them quite a bit at times. Sigh. I guess she wouldn't want that though. She would want me to be there to support and help others no matter what.
It's just unfortunate because I feel like my relationship with my dad does have potential but it's just unrealized or just broken because of how I viewed him as a grumpy/annoying figure in my childhood. I guess he tried but he didn't have that much of a big role. And I understand why. He was busy working or stressed with problems that my adolescent brain couldn't even comprehend at the time but it is what it is and all I can do is work on improving it moving forward.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Farewell to the 6ix
The simple truth is that I thought I'd be more emotional about saying goodbye. But, as I reflect on the events of the past two years I somehow doubt they'll stand out in the grand scheme of my life. I feel like where I'm going now is a much bigger step and will affect my life and the person I'll become much more than the 6ix did.
It also seems like the past two years were a lull or a break before the real storm of changes. Nonetheless, I can definitely say that I've grown in ways that might not be recognizable to an outsider (I didn't get completely ripped by going to the gym and I'm not that much more rich/successful/a famous writer) but overall I certainly feel more mature and independent. I feel like I know what it means to have my own place and the responsibilities that come along with it. I'm also more aware of what the "9-5 grind" is really like along with the challenges that come with trying to pursue other hobbies/passions despite having a full time job.
I also gained a bit more experience into relationships (admittedly, not as much as I would have liked) along with developing the first real "close" relationships I've had since high school. Nonetheless, I think that I need to be more proactive about meeting new people in the future instead of clinging onto old friendships that make me feel secure. I want to explore and learn as much as I can.
I think a good analogy is that these last two years have been kind of like how you learn to ride a bike with training wheels first. I was able to learn what it's like to live alone in the "real world" but still always had support close by. But now, it's really time to take the training wheels off and venture out into the world. I'm glad I had this stepping stone though because I think that it would be a really difficult transition if I just left right away and I certainly would struggles with the feelings of being lost and unsure what to do. I feel like now I'll be able to move to a new place and hit the ground running which will hopefully lead to me getting into a good/productive routine from the start.
Working at a job that was also not my ideal choice was also a humbling experience and taught me that in life you can't always expect to get the perfect job/relationship on your first try. In some sense, the fact that I've failed many times before helps me appreciate the opportunity I have now even more and I'm proud of myself for working hard to get it.
The last thing I wanted to elaborate on is my relatively new friends. This weeks after I quit work, I spent more time hanging out with them and in the past year we've really become close. It sounds pretty sad to say but I think they are the only people I've ever opened up to about my whole high school life and past. While I've had "friends" in university they felt mostly self-contained - they only knew stuff about me that were related to university life. But these were really the first non-highschool friends (well, with the exception of J) that I felt really started to know who (I was. In a way, I feel stupid because it took so long for me to open up to others (and it's something I definitely need to work on in the future) but I'm glad I did.
In contrast, while the weeks spent hanging out almost everyday with friends was fun (and a relatively new experience) it also made me realize it's not a lifestyle I can be happy living. It was OK and made sense in this situation because I was leaving anyway and had free time but I don't think I can ever be one of those guys who just goes to the bar every day after work. After a while, you find yourself repeating the same topics or making the same jokes. In fact, I think what made me become so close with these guys was because we had a mutual activity we did together which was playing badminton and working out. This meant we could spend time in ways that didn't involve constantly talking to each other.
Nonetheless, I think I realize that I want to live a more motivated lifestyle and not just casually hangout with friends. While these past few months have been a nice hiatus from all the studying I did before I want to get back to focusing on hobbies - whether it's seriously going to the gym again, writing or even taking online classes. I want to be constantly moving forward and improving myself.
There's so much more I could still talk about with regard to the relationship dynamics between myself and my two "new" friends. I guess I'll just briefly mention that for the first time they made me feel kind of old/wise which was a new experience since usually I hangout with people my age and in the same stage of life that I'm at. It's kind of nice to realize that getting along with someone "transcends" the fact that you might not be at the same place in life - it's like we connected on a deeper level than that and just have the same personalities. Nonetheless, I can't deny that I felt almost like I had a mentoring role to them - especially with regards to helping with homework and just giving advice on life. I genuinely want to continue helping them in the future and hope they do well.
I guess I want to conclude by saying that despite the fact that I had like 3 weeks off there's still so many things I wanted to do before I left (like go to Wonderland or run a 10k together). But I realize that it's probably better to leave the sentiment of wishing you had more time instead of staying until you get saturated and fed up. I think the time I had was almost enough and, while it would have been nice to stay a bit longer, I could start to feel myself itching to do something new.
I think the old me would have treated such a big change differently. I would have lamented the fact that I didn't get to do/see everything I wanted. But now I realize that life will never work out so perfectly and sometimes you just have to appreciate the things you have for what they are instead of what you'd like them to be.
It also seems like the past two years were a lull or a break before the real storm of changes. Nonetheless, I can definitely say that I've grown in ways that might not be recognizable to an outsider (I didn't get completely ripped by going to the gym and I'm not that much more rich/successful/a famous writer) but overall I certainly feel more mature and independent. I feel like I know what it means to have my own place and the responsibilities that come along with it. I'm also more aware of what the "9-5 grind" is really like along with the challenges that come with trying to pursue other hobbies/passions despite having a full time job.
I also gained a bit more experience into relationships (admittedly, not as much as I would have liked) along with developing the first real "close" relationships I've had since high school. Nonetheless, I think that I need to be more proactive about meeting new people in the future instead of clinging onto old friendships that make me feel secure. I want to explore and learn as much as I can.
I think a good analogy is that these last two years have been kind of like how you learn to ride a bike with training wheels first. I was able to learn what it's like to live alone in the "real world" but still always had support close by. But now, it's really time to take the training wheels off and venture out into the world. I'm glad I had this stepping stone though because I think that it would be a really difficult transition if I just left right away and I certainly would struggles with the feelings of being lost and unsure what to do. I feel like now I'll be able to move to a new place and hit the ground running which will hopefully lead to me getting into a good/productive routine from the start.
Working at a job that was also not my ideal choice was also a humbling experience and taught me that in life you can't always expect to get the perfect job/relationship on your first try. In some sense, the fact that I've failed many times before helps me appreciate the opportunity I have now even more and I'm proud of myself for working hard to get it.
The last thing I wanted to elaborate on is my relatively new friends. This weeks after I quit work, I spent more time hanging out with them and in the past year we've really become close. It sounds pretty sad to say but I think they are the only people I've ever opened up to about my whole high school life and past. While I've had "friends" in university they felt mostly self-contained - they only knew stuff about me that were related to university life. But these were really the first non-highschool friends (well, with the exception of J) that I felt really started to know who (I was. In a way, I feel stupid because it took so long for me to open up to others (and it's something I definitely need to work on in the future) but I'm glad I did.
In contrast, while the weeks spent hanging out almost everyday with friends was fun (and a relatively new experience) it also made me realize it's not a lifestyle I can be happy living. It was OK and made sense in this situation because I was leaving anyway and had free time but I don't think I can ever be one of those guys who just goes to the bar every day after work. After a while, you find yourself repeating the same topics or making the same jokes. In fact, I think what made me become so close with these guys was because we had a mutual activity we did together which was playing badminton and working out. This meant we could spend time in ways that didn't involve constantly talking to each other.
Nonetheless, I think I realize that I want to live a more motivated lifestyle and not just casually hangout with friends. While these past few months have been a nice hiatus from all the studying I did before I want to get back to focusing on hobbies - whether it's seriously going to the gym again, writing or even taking online classes. I want to be constantly moving forward and improving myself.
There's so much more I could still talk about with regard to the relationship dynamics between myself and my two "new" friends. I guess I'll just briefly mention that for the first time they made me feel kind of old/wise which was a new experience since usually I hangout with people my age and in the same stage of life that I'm at. It's kind of nice to realize that getting along with someone "transcends" the fact that you might not be at the same place in life - it's like we connected on a deeper level than that and just have the same personalities. Nonetheless, I can't deny that I felt almost like I had a mentoring role to them - especially with regards to helping with homework and just giving advice on life. I genuinely want to continue helping them in the future and hope they do well.
I guess I want to conclude by saying that despite the fact that I had like 3 weeks off there's still so many things I wanted to do before I left (like go to Wonderland or run a 10k together). But I realize that it's probably better to leave the sentiment of wishing you had more time instead of staying until you get saturated and fed up. I think the time I had was almost enough and, while it would have been nice to stay a bit longer, I could start to feel myself itching to do something new.
I think the old me would have treated such a big change differently. I would have lamented the fact that I didn't get to do/see everything I wanted. But now I realize that life will never work out so perfectly and sometimes you just have to appreciate the things you have for what they are instead of what you'd like them to be.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Reflections on the Working World
Initially, I felt as if my reason for writing this blog was because I needed an emotional outlet after quitting my job and contemplating all the changes on the horizon. However, the reality is that I don't really feel emotional about it at all. In fact, like most large changes in life, it feels kind of surreal. It feels like I'm just on a vacation and that I'll be back to work in a few weeks or even days. I felt stupid when my dad asked me if I was excited about moving and I just shrugged in an ambiguous manner. For me, it's hard to feel excited about the prospective of something until I really get there and see how it is. Though, my dad's question did plant the seeds of doubt in my mind that maybe I don't want this change as much as I thought I did. Perhaps I would be more excited with the prospect of going to Stanford or what not. Honestly, I think it's just that my excitement of moving and starting anew is tainted by the reality of all the logistic barriers that I need to clear before I can really settle down.
But then again, does it really feel like that? When I think more deeply about my whole work experience it's almost like it never even happened and yet it's only been a few days. It worries me because it makes me question if my time there was really significant at all. As I was discussing with 3 the other day, if you don't have many memories about a certain event or time period in your life then perhaps nothing much of value really occurred. Though, perhaps I am confusing memories with feeling emotional.
I guess that's not to say I don't have memories from work. I thought I build genuine relationships with most of my co-workers and, from a technical standpoint, did gain a lot of new skills. I would even argue that over the past two years since I began renting in my place in downtown I've matured a lot. I learned how to cook and maintain a household on my own in addition to just learning more about what it means to cope in a non-academic environment. I've learned the importance of putting yourself out there to meet others and continuing to learn on your own time.
I think the root cause of my disappointment stems from the fact that I thought I'd be more emotional than I really am. Probably one of my flaws is that I'm not emotional enough and to compensate for that I try to inject emotions into situations that I THINK should be emotional instead of letting them arise naturally (like they did in situations related to ???). I suppose there's other explanations about why I don't feel that sad/emotional about leaving too - the most prominent one being that I was just tired of being there so it's almost like a relief.
Anyway, I wanted this post to be more concrete and less about mushy emotional feelings. My goal was to evaluate what went well about my first "real" job and what I could have done better so here goes.
I think what went well was that I genuinely bonded with my co-workers and that made work more enjoyable. I know it's a common observation but working with people who you like or can even stand being around makes a huge difference. To be honest, the other things that went well are mostly superficial - getting a Big 4 name on my resume and learning about system design. I do feel like I have a better grasp of important technologies and, as I mentioned in my email to my previous Sr. Manager, it's obvious that this position opened up new doors for me.
Nonetheless, I think there's a lot more to say about what didn't go well. Thinking back, I think it would have been optimally to leave or try to transfer teams after the initial re-org when it seems like things weren't going so great. I think the first 8-12 months were fine as I was learning about new systems and was being quite inquisitive. But somehow, that passion died down and I really spent the last 7-8 without much drive and while simultaneously applying to other jobs.
In retrospect, it would have been better to not sit on the fence. I think the whole crux of what I did incorrectly was not taking enough initiative. When you are feeling unhappy or apathetic about your job for a long enough period of time then the onus is really on you to change it (this is probably true about most situations in life). The flaw in my thinking was that I thought by just going with the flow that things would somehow get better - but if you never try to change direction you'll always just get swept away by the current (wao such analogy). What I'm saying is that as soon as I really realized there was an issue in how I felt about my current role I should have DONE something - whether it was seriously consider internal transfers, apply more aggressively for jobs or just quit and go back to school. I shouldn't have sat on the fence and essentially not make much progress for 7-8 months.
In fact, I feel like I got lucky and things only worked out by a pretty nice coincidence in that me securing my latest position lined up nicely with my annual review feedback which kind of brought all these problems to the surface. But, it shouldn't have even got to that point and I'd be scrambling pretty hard now if it wasn't for this coincidence. I should have confronted myself honestly about these questions earlier until of when I was forced to think about it due to external circumstances such as my review.
It might seem like I'm being hypercritical of myself. I don't think that my performance was terrible or that I was extremely lazy (neither did my co-workers or managers) but I also don't think it's worth spending your time on something you aren't driven to do or that's helping you reach where you want to be. I know some, maybe even most, individuals are fine with having satisfactory performance on a 9-5 job and then spending their leisure time at a bar/gym or whatever. But I've never really been a part of that school of thought. I believe that if you're going to do something for 40+ hours a week then it had better damn well be interesting to you or develop your skills in some way. Maybe that's idealistic especially since most jobs tend to get mundane or only train you for a specific role but that's why you need to "Keep looking, don't settle" (as Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement speech).
In some sense, I think it's fortunate I worked at a company where you need to be super-try hard to succeed or get promoted. It made me aware of all the politics that really go into whether you reach the next level and really hammered home the fact that the people who get promoted do so by a combination of luck, knowing how to play the game and their own determination. Thinking back, I see that G knew how to play the game when he switched teams to work on a more visible project and then got promoted to Sr. Of course, he works insanely hard and he is deserving of it. But there are others, like ??, who seem to almostI have gotten lucky with his visible project and it wasn't even technically challenging. But maybe I'm just being bitter - perhaps he just "made his own luck" by convincing others that he should really do this project and making the metrics look all nice and pretty. Either way, I do detest his "suck-up"/"try-hard" personality though perhaps that's only because I'm not that outgoing and it makes me jealous on a deeper level ?
Once again, it's probably a good thing I had some experience with poor project management practices and leadership qualities. I think it'll help me identify red flags in the future and, again, encourage me to take initiative and make a change or just quit and do something else. I do know that life is too short and too fragile to really waste time doing something you aren't really committed to especially once you've given it a fair shot (and I think your conscience will determine the criteria for that).
Anyway, I suppose the main takeaway is advice for me as I move onto new things. To firstly, always be critical and re-evalulate whether you are really enjoying what you are doing or not. Be vocal about your concerns and take initiative if you are unhappy about something. Lastly, don't just settle for the status quo - try to go do more than the average person not because you are being a "try-hard" but rather because what you're doing is interesting so you spend extra time on it.
The last thing I wanted to mention is that it's strange but I almost feel like I've become more lazy. At first I was worried but now I think it makes sense. What I mean is that, in school, I was so determined to get good marks just for the sake of it whereas others cared about doing well but being the best didn't really matter. However, in a work environment, I feel like I'm more of the latter personality type. It kind of scared me because, this might sound silly, it was as if I had used up all of my "determination" in school and now I just wanted to coast and relax. Perhaps, to a certain extent, that was true. I think I was pretty burned out after school and just wanted a more calm work environment, at least, initially.
Nonetheless, I also feel it's a positive change that I'm not just extremely determined to work hard at something just for the sake of it or because I like the feeling of getting promoted/recognized. I think I want my fuel and passion to come from the knowledge th0at I'm doing something I really enjoy and believe in - not because I'm following some predetermined steps to get recognition from others. As long as I have the ability to buckle down when I really care then I think that's the most important. But I suppose I don't want to end up with the same mentality as say, ???, who seems lazy and unable to really focus on anything.
So, while it was admirable that I was willing to work so hard in undergrad my memory of it is slightly tainted by the fact that I knew it was because I wanted recognition and validation instead of really liking the material or learning at times. I just wanted to continue getting those 100's on tests to feel good about myself but, in the end, that kind of achievement feels so transient. While being able to do something you aren't that into is an important skill (it's always about finding a happy medium) in it's own right I think it's almost important to learn to focus your energy on what really matters to you instead of working your hardest to chip away at any obstacle that appears in front of you. In short, the importance of choosing your battles is paramount as you get older.
nts: perhaps maybe last 3 paragraphs into another article
But then again, does it really feel like that? When I think more deeply about my whole work experience it's almost like it never even happened and yet it's only been a few days. It worries me because it makes me question if my time there was really significant at all. As I was discussing with 3 the other day, if you don't have many memories about a certain event or time period in your life then perhaps nothing much of value really occurred. Though, perhaps I am confusing memories with feeling emotional.
I guess that's not to say I don't have memories from work. I thought I build genuine relationships with most of my co-workers and, from a technical standpoint, did gain a lot of new skills. I would even argue that over the past two years since I began renting in my place in downtown I've matured a lot. I learned how to cook and maintain a household on my own in addition to just learning more about what it means to cope in a non-academic environment. I've learned the importance of putting yourself out there to meet others and continuing to learn on your own time.
I think the root cause of my disappointment stems from the fact that I thought I'd be more emotional than I really am. Probably one of my flaws is that I'm not emotional enough and to compensate for that I try to inject emotions into situations that I THINK should be emotional instead of letting them arise naturally (like they did in situations related to ???). I suppose there's other explanations about why I don't feel that sad/emotional about leaving too - the most prominent one being that I was just tired of being there so it's almost like a relief.
Anyway, I wanted this post to be more concrete and less about mushy emotional feelings. My goal was to evaluate what went well about my first "real" job and what I could have done better so here goes.
I think what went well was that I genuinely bonded with my co-workers and that made work more enjoyable. I know it's a common observation but working with people who you like or can even stand being around makes a huge difference. To be honest, the other things that went well are mostly superficial - getting a Big 4 name on my resume and learning about system design. I do feel like I have a better grasp of important technologies and, as I mentioned in my email to my previous Sr. Manager, it's obvious that this position opened up new doors for me.
Nonetheless, I think there's a lot more to say about what didn't go well. Thinking back, I think it would have been optimally to leave or try to transfer teams after the initial re-org when it seems like things weren't going so great. I think the first 8-12 months were fine as I was learning about new systems and was being quite inquisitive. But somehow, that passion died down and I really spent the last 7-8 without much drive and while simultaneously applying to other jobs.
In retrospect, it would have been better to not sit on the fence. I think the whole crux of what I did incorrectly was not taking enough initiative. When you are feeling unhappy or apathetic about your job for a long enough period of time then the onus is really on you to change it (this is probably true about most situations in life). The flaw in my thinking was that I thought by just going with the flow that things would somehow get better - but if you never try to change direction you'll always just get swept away by the current (wao such analogy). What I'm saying is that as soon as I really realized there was an issue in how I felt about my current role I should have DONE something - whether it was seriously consider internal transfers, apply more aggressively for jobs or just quit and go back to school. I shouldn't have sat on the fence and essentially not make much progress for 7-8 months.
In fact, I feel like I got lucky and things only worked out by a pretty nice coincidence in that me securing my latest position lined up nicely with my annual review feedback which kind of brought all these problems to the surface. But, it shouldn't have even got to that point and I'd be scrambling pretty hard now if it wasn't for this coincidence. I should have confronted myself honestly about these questions earlier until of when I was forced to think about it due to external circumstances such as my review.
It might seem like I'm being hypercritical of myself. I don't think that my performance was terrible or that I was extremely lazy (neither did my co-workers or managers) but I also don't think it's worth spending your time on something you aren't driven to do or that's helping you reach where you want to be. I know some, maybe even most, individuals are fine with having satisfactory performance on a 9-5 job and then spending their leisure time at a bar/gym or whatever. But I've never really been a part of that school of thought. I believe that if you're going to do something for 40+ hours a week then it had better damn well be interesting to you or develop your skills in some way. Maybe that's idealistic especially since most jobs tend to get mundane or only train you for a specific role but that's why you need to "Keep looking, don't settle" (as Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement speech).
In some sense, I think it's fortunate I worked at a company where you need to be super-try hard to succeed or get promoted. It made me aware of all the politics that really go into whether you reach the next level and really hammered home the fact that the people who get promoted do so by a combination of luck, knowing how to play the game and their own determination. Thinking back, I see that G knew how to play the game when he switched teams to work on a more visible project and then got promoted to Sr. Of course, he works insanely hard and he is deserving of it. But there are others, like ??, who seem to almostI have gotten lucky with his visible project and it wasn't even technically challenging. But maybe I'm just being bitter - perhaps he just "made his own luck" by convincing others that he should really do this project and making the metrics look all nice and pretty. Either way, I do detest his "suck-up"/"try-hard" personality though perhaps that's only because I'm not that outgoing and it makes me jealous on a deeper level ?
Once again, it's probably a good thing I had some experience with poor project management practices and leadership qualities. I think it'll help me identify red flags in the future and, again, encourage me to take initiative and make a change or just quit and do something else. I do know that life is too short and too fragile to really waste time doing something you aren't really committed to especially once you've given it a fair shot (and I think your conscience will determine the criteria for that).
Anyway, I suppose the main takeaway is advice for me as I move onto new things. To firstly, always be critical and re-evalulate whether you are really enjoying what you are doing or not. Be vocal about your concerns and take initiative if you are unhappy about something. Lastly, don't just settle for the status quo - try to go do more than the average person not because you are being a "try-hard" but rather because what you're doing is interesting so you spend extra time on it.
The last thing I wanted to mention is that it's strange but I almost feel like I've become more lazy. At first I was worried but now I think it makes sense. What I mean is that, in school, I was so determined to get good marks just for the sake of it whereas others cared about doing well but being the best didn't really matter. However, in a work environment, I feel like I'm more of the latter personality type. It kind of scared me because, this might sound silly, it was as if I had used up all of my "determination" in school and now I just wanted to coast and relax. Perhaps, to a certain extent, that was true. I think I was pretty burned out after school and just wanted a more calm work environment, at least, initially.
Nonetheless, I also feel it's a positive change that I'm not just extremely determined to work hard at something just for the sake of it or because I like the feeling of getting promoted/recognized. I think I want my fuel and passion to come from the knowledge th0at I'm doing something I really enjoy and believe in - not because I'm following some predetermined steps to get recognition from others. As long as I have the ability to buckle down when I really care then I think that's the most important. But I suppose I don't want to end up with the same mentality as say, ???, who seems lazy and unable to really focus on anything.
So, while it was admirable that I was willing to work so hard in undergrad my memory of it is slightly tainted by the fact that I knew it was because I wanted recognition and validation instead of really liking the material or learning at times. I just wanted to continue getting those 100's on tests to feel good about myself but, in the end, that kind of achievement feels so transient. While being able to do something you aren't that into is an important skill (it's always about finding a happy medium) in it's own right I think it's almost important to learn to focus your energy on what really matters to you instead of working your hardest to chip away at any obstacle that appears in front of you. In short, the importance of choosing your battles is paramount as you get older.
nts: perhaps maybe last 3 paragraphs into another article
Sunday, March 20, 2016
When am I going to start again?
I know a large problem with my core personality is that I have trouble letting things go or feeling undeserving. I feel that until I have an excellent job or a great academic career or have written a best-selling novel that I'm pretty worthless and don't even deserve to have fun or even pursue the thought of a relationship.
From some perspective, this makes sense. As Andrew Ng said in his recent sappy quora post, we need to think about how if we were able to accomplish all we wanted to today if the world would be a better place. In that sense, getting a gf or just even having fun seems to be pretty pointless. I've always had this puritan approach to life where I feel as if we are on the earth to be productive and don't deserve to have "fun" until we prove ourselves.
However, I'm unable to do this. I'm not a robot and I can't even abide to my own strict rules. So, I end up in this cycle of guilt and feeling bad whenever I do have fun or take a break. I wish I could just pick a path a stick to it - either the path of being determined/workaholic and forgoing everything else or the path of just living with a "normal" person who tries to balance learning with worldly pleasures. But right now, I'm just treading this line while simultaneously not really getting anywhere and hating myself.
Somehow, this was supposed to transition into me not being able to get over what happened with ?? even though it's the same kind of situation that has happened before with others. But I think that my problem is that I just want to have something to be chasing. Even if I had got ?? then I would always still be searching for the next thing. I'm like an idiot on a treadmill who needs that carrot dangling in front of me in order to move forward. Even if I do manage the grab the carrot then there's an endless supply waiting to replace it. Then the speed of the treadmill increases.
So, I believe the very core of the program has nothing to do with ??. It's about who I am as a person and why I'm unable to just be happy for myself and just realize that I don't always need to chasing after some lofty goal. As lame as it sounds, I could probably definitely benefit by finding some inner peace.
From some perspective, this makes sense. As Andrew Ng said in his recent sappy quora post, we need to think about how if we were able to accomplish all we wanted to today if the world would be a better place. In that sense, getting a gf or just even having fun seems to be pretty pointless. I've always had this puritan approach to life where I feel as if we are on the earth to be productive and don't deserve to have "fun" until we prove ourselves.
However, I'm unable to do this. I'm not a robot and I can't even abide to my own strict rules. So, I end up in this cycle of guilt and feeling bad whenever I do have fun or take a break. I wish I could just pick a path a stick to it - either the path of being determined/workaholic and forgoing everything else or the path of just living with a "normal" person who tries to balance learning with worldly pleasures. But right now, I'm just treading this line while simultaneously not really getting anywhere and hating myself.
Somehow, this was supposed to transition into me not being able to get over what happened with ?? even though it's the same kind of situation that has happened before with others. But I think that my problem is that I just want to have something to be chasing. Even if I had got ?? then I would always still be searching for the next thing. I'm like an idiot on a treadmill who needs that carrot dangling in front of me in order to move forward. Even if I do manage the grab the carrot then there's an endless supply waiting to replace it. Then the speed of the treadmill increases.
So, I believe the very core of the program has nothing to do with ??. It's about who I am as a person and why I'm unable to just be happy for myself and just realize that I don't always need to chasing after some lofty goal. As lame as it sounds, I could probably definitely benefit by finding some inner peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)